Vicious Circle

2. The chosen one

“Take a deep breath.”

I followed the yoga instructor's direction. When she asked me to perform the Purvottanasana pose, I assumed the required position. This class, which I took to clear my mind, was indeed helping.

“You can relax now,” she said, and I lay on my back. As people slowly gathered their things, my lingering in place must have caught the instructor's attention, as she approached me and nudged my shoulder with her foot.

“I'm not dead,” I grumbled, getting up.

“Because of you, my students will run away from me.”

“Most of your students are men, Eloise. Why do you think that is?”

“Because I'm beautiful,” she said, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

“Yes, you certainly are. I hope you know they want to sleep with you.”

She laughed lightly. With her black hair and blue eyes, she was indeed a beautiful woman. She was also flirtatious. Her smile caused the men around us to glance her way. When she extended her hand, I took it.

She pulled me up and said, “Let's have coffee downstairs.”

After nodding in agreement, I went to the changing room and changed my clothes. When I glanced at the news, the first thing that caught my eye was his news. He always appeared somewhere. The headline was the same as always:

The Man Who Can't Get Enough of Success: Wayne

Not only was the headline fitting, but the photo in the article was equally captivating. When I looked at his photo, I didn't see what everyone else saw. Of course, he was a handsome man. His light brown hair was tousled. His hazel eyes could seduce many women. His chiseled jaw and stubble gave him a rebellious look.

Who am I kidding! Resisting him was very difficult.

When I exited the room, Eloise was giving me a stern look. “What is it, Ell?”

Shaking her head, she said, “Stay away from that man's news, Brie. Have you forgotten what he did to you?”

I just gave her a look. “He just popped up, Ell. I didn't search for him.”

Even though my explanation didn't satisfy her, she didn't respond. Changing the subject wasn't hard for her. Eloise was always like that. Helpful and friendly.

I, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. We had become roommates in college, and our friendship continued afterward. She knew about Wayne, who held a significant place in my life. She had witnessed what he had done to me. I knew she always thought of my well-being.

“What do you say, Brie? What's your opinion?”

“I didn't understand,” I said, clearing my throat.

“Brie, please focus on me. I want you to meet someone new.”

When I turned my eyes outside, I realized how tired I was of myself. I couldn't find a way to move on with my life. It was as if I was stuck in the past. Especially in moments with him... Sometimes, I felt like I could sense him. In moments of solitude, it was as if his fingertips were gliding over my arm. His breath was on my neck, or his perfume was in my room.

“Holding onto the past is exhausting me, Ell. You're right; I should look ahead. But there are so many things troubling my mind... If I can't uncover them, it feels like I'll never be able to look forward.”

When she held my arm for support, I turned my eyes to her. Her blue eyes quickly filled with tears.

“I hate that you're doing this to yourself, Brie.”

I shrugged. Looking into her eyes, I said, “Ell, to start anew, I must completely let go of the past. Give me time. I promise. I will start again. And I'll do it by leaving everyone and everything behind.”

She showed her belief in my words by standing up and hugging me. I rested my head on her shoulder.

“I believe in you, Brie. You'll handle this.”

Our entire conversation was spent discussing completely mundane topics. While Ell told me about new events in her life, I listened. I remember laughing so hard at one point that I fell off my chair. My conversation with Ell made me forget everyone and everything for a moment.

There wasn't a single moment in my life when my beliefs about life weren't questioned... Maybe because I couldn't detach myself from the past or because I couldn't heal myself, I dedicated myself to healing others. Continuing my life as a psychologist showed me parts of life I might never see. I especially realized this: some people came saying, “I have a problem,” while others came saying, “The person in front of me made me sick.” Both were very different situations. People's lives and experiences were astonishing. That's why my first goal was to learn their perspectives on life.

Past, present, and future...

That's what our lives consisted of. No matter how much we denied it, the painful truth could be annoying. That's why I always focused on the impact of these three times on my patients. We all got hurt from the past, we all tried to enjoy the present, and we all feared the uncertainty of the future.

Just like me... Like me...

When I entered my apartment, my cat, Lucky, immediately rubbed against my legs. As I picked him up and petted his head, I noticed a letter slipped under the door. I picked up the letter and went to the living room. Only my name was written on the back. When I sat in the living room and looked at the letter, the voice in my mind scared me. Judging by the speed of my heartbeat, it agreed with me. I slowly opened the letter and carefully unfolded the paper inside. When I read the writing on the paper, I initially thought I didn't understand it, even thought it was a mistake... because reading it twice didn't change anything.

It was Wayne's close friend, Mateo, who wrote to me. He talked about the troubles and difficulties he was experiencing. As I suspected, he was ill. His insomnia had progressed. It had started to interfere with his work. In a job like his, there was no room for error. Because a single mistake could ruin his life or someone else's. The fact that he had continued until now was a miracle.

He was asking me to treat him. But I was the wrong person. The letter mentioned a USB device inside. I picked up the letter and found the USB device. I sat at my computer and plugged in the device. When it opened, the first thing that appeared were videos of Wayne sleeping, taken from behind a glass. The room was dark. The devices attached to Wayne's brain showed he couldn't fall asleep. Especially that he couldn't enter the crucial REM phase of sleep. In another video, there was an angry Wayne who couldn't sleep well. He was trashing his room and seemed to be going crazy.

How had he ended up like this?

In other videos, Wayne was shown in a low mood. Clearly, something was shaking him... he needed help. I didn't know if I wanted to help. But if I took a step toward Wayne, I felt he wouldn't leave me alone. In this situation, I thought it would be better to find another psychologist specializing in this area to help him.

When I dialed the phone number at the bottom of the paper and called, I heard a familiar voice.

“Hello?”

“Mateo, it's Brie. I received your letter.”

I heard the deep breath on the other end. “Hey, how are you, Brie?”

“I'm fine. How about you?”

“Busy,” he said, and I noticed his hesitation. “Will you help us?”

“Mateo, I will refer you to someone else specializing in this area. I'm sorry, my appointments are completely full, and I also teach at the university. I don't have time.”

Mateo's voice fell silent for a while. He seemed unsure of what to say.

“Brie, the person I wanted to help was you.”

He must have been disappointed, as he didn't say anything else. “As I said, Mateo, I don't have time.”

“Damn it, Brie! That stubborn guy won't accept help from anyone else! You know that very well!”

I did know. But I was also afraid that if he heard about my future, I wouldn't be able to get rid of him. As always, I had to be confident.

“There's nothing I can do to help in this matter, Mateo. Do you want me to give you a name?”

“Alright,” he said. “I'd appreciate it if you could send it as a message.”

When I hung up the phone, I put my head in my hands and drifted into the beautiful times of the past.

To the times when everything was beautiful and good...

“Brie!” When I heard Wayne's voice, I shrank even more where I was.

“Do you know what I'll do when I find you?”

His voice was getting closer. Yet all I did was take his T-shirt. I didn't want to give it back. He was going to camp for the summer. I wouldn't hear from him for a long time. So the T-shirt had to stay with me.

“Got you,” said Wayne, pulling me by the foot. Of course, I didn't resist him. He was always bigger and more built than me. After pulling me, he gently laid me down. I had hidden his T-shirt against my chest.

“Why are you doing this, Brie?” he asked, running his hand through his light brown hair.

“Just,” he said, then paused. “Yes?” he prompted immediately.

“You won't be around for a long time,” I said, clearing my throat. “I just wanted your T-shirt to stay with me. For when you're not here.”

When he raised his eyebrows, I quickly interjected. “You know they always bully me. Maybe if they see your T-shirt on me, they won't bother me.”

He looked at me without averting his gaze and sighed, then sat down to be at my level.

“This T-shirt is my lucky T-shirt, Brie. You know I'm going to the tryouts. I need it.”

I shrugged and tried to hide the T-shirt even more. “What if I give you something that brings you luck?”

He smiled slightly. “Can I choose what you give me, then?”

“Will the T-shirt stay with me?”

He nodded in agreement and said, “But I will choose.”

I slowly placed the T-shirt on the ground. It seemed like a fair deal.

“What do you want?”

“I want you to kiss me. I'm sure it'll bring me luck.”

I realized how exhausting it was to remember the past. Especially my memories with Wayne... No matter how beautiful a memory was, the existence of just as many painful ones over time made it even more draining.

Maybe I had my own mistakes too... But no one seemed to be punished for their mistakes as much as I was. Being punished for things I had done didn’t upset me. But being broken by things I hadn’t done—or hadn’t even been a part of—that was what truly wore me down. And yes, I had been worn down.

The reason I became a psychologist was, deep down, to help people who were in situations like mine. Or at least to be able to intervene. Some people shouldn’t have to be alone. These kinds of things don’t affect everyone the same way. Nor do they respond the same. That’s why I wanted to help. I wanted to be a voice for those who couldn’t speak up…

For those like me...

When I arrived at the academy, Scott—my roommate—was already there. His glasses had slipped down to the tip of his nose, and whatever he was focused on had his brows furrowed.

“Good morning, Scott.”

He lifted his head and looked at me. The circles under his eyes were a deep purple. “Good morning, Brie.”

I went to my desk and hung my bag. As I took off my jacket, I noticed Scott watching me.

“Is there anything I can help with?”

Leaning his head back, he closed his eyes. “The department head called. There’s a meeting today. But I still haven’t finished my reports.”

“What’s the meeting about?”

“General meeting,” he said, straightening in his seat.

While Scott got back to his work, I checked the emails I needed to reply to. Then I organized my lecture notes and reviewed my reports, when the desk phone rang. The department head’s secretary was calling to summon me to the meeting.

As Scott and I walked to the conference room, we discussed a patient who was on our agenda. Our thoughts about the case were very much aligned. When we entered the meeting room, the department head and nearly all the faculty members were already seated. We quietly took two of the empty chairs and waited. Once the meeting began, everyone took turns reporting on their current cases. After the reports, future plans were discussed. When the meeting ended and I was about to leave the room, the department head asked me to stay behind.

Once everyone had left, the department head gestured for me to sit.

“Brie, we’ve been working together for a long time. I admire your diligence. Perhaps that’s why they chose you.”

He frowned slightly, then continued.

“We take confidentiality seriously in the task we’re giving you. You already follow that principle closely, so I know I don’t need to remind you. You’ll be away for a while because of this job, but that’s something you can manage.”

He didn’t let me interrupt. He spoke so smoothly and clearly that it was impossible to cut in.

“We want you to help Wayne Holmes.”

At first, I thought I’d misheard the name or misunderstood.

Who did he say?

Wayne? Wayne Holmes?

“But I—” I started to say, but I couldn’t get a word in.

“We’re asking you to think about it for one day, Brie. I know you’ll make the right decision.”

When he politely dismissed me from the room, I found myself holding Wayne Holmes’s file. And my head—flooded with a thousand questions.

How had this come to be? I had told Mateo I’d recommend someone else. Had he told them about me? How? Why had Wayne chosen me for treatment?

“Are you okay?”

I hadn’t even noticed I’d entered the room.

“I’m fine.”

When I sat at my desk, I saw a daisy crown placed on top. Scott, sensing I’d drifted mentally into the past, asked, “What happened?”

My trembling finger pointed at the crown. “Who left this?”

He got up from his desk and came over. When he saw the daisy crown, he asked, “I didn’t see anyone. Was there a note?”

I leaned in to check my desk, but saw no paper.

But deep down, I knew who had left it. I just didn’t want to admit it.

Could he really have come here?

I immediately turned to look out the window. Aside from the familiar faces I recognized, there was no one else. I picked up the crown and tucked it into my drawer.

I didn’t want to think about it today.

Not today.

After reviewing the lessons I needed to prepare for the day, I met with my scheduled patients. I had filled my mind completely—just so I wouldn’t think about him. But when everything was finally done, a few questions crept into my head.

Would seeing him make me happy?

Did he want to see me too?

When I entered my home, my cat Lucky—who always ran to rub against my legs—was nowhere to be seen. But there was an unusual scent in the air.

Someone had been here.

The sound of my heart and the steps I took couldn’t have been more out of sync. When I stepped into the living room, I saw him—sitting in the armchair with Lucky in his lap. Even though my cat had noticed me, he was still rubbing against him, purring like he adored him.

Traitor!

“Hello, Brie. How are you?”