The Captain's Forbidden Mate

Episode 19: WHAT’S CHANGING

LENA

The dream came again that night, sharper than ever before, the forest, the chase and the eyes watching from the darkness and this time was no different from the hundred other times before, except that each shadow seemed three times clearer, the smell of pine and moss more palpable than I ever remembered, so real that I woke up shaking, convinced that I smelt the damp earth still clinging to my skin. But this time I did not wake up screaming, because somehow, I was still half-asleep even when I opened my eyes. My hands were clawed, something inhuman and curved, but only for the briefest moment before they snapped back to normal.

I stumbled to the bathroom, flipped the switch and nearly screamed at the pale reflection staring back at me, eyes the same shape as always except that at the very edges the brown had bled into gold. As I blinked furiously to convince myself it was not there, the strange coloration vanished as if it had only been a trick of the light. My hands were still shaking, and as I looked closely, small crescent things had formed under my nails, only to dissolve back into the familiar ridges of a human's nails.

"Astra." I managed to choke out, because somehow she was already there at the bathroom door, her expression unreadable as if she had been expecting this to happen and somehow I was not surprised to see her, like this was just another night that I knew would end like this. It was almost too soon

She took one look at me and said nothing, and that was worse than if she had shown disappointment. "Okay. Breathe. This was always going to happen eventually, I just didn't think it would be this soon." Her voice was soft as she led me to sit down on the edge of the tub, kneeling in front of me with an unnaturally composed expression on her face that made me wonder if she was lying to make me feel better. I wished she would stop, just stop pretending like she knew what to do, like she had some great authority over this because I needed someone to tell me what to do right now and she knew it. "Your wolf is waking up, Lena. All the stress and the danger and the bond with Cole is just speeding up the process, but it should have been gradual, over the course of years, with an entire pack by your side to guide you through your first shift."

"Is it dangerous?" My voice was raw, because I did not want to hear what she would say next.

"It can be. Wolves who wake up suddenly without guidance tend to have problems controlling their instincts the first few times it happens. It's not unheard of for them to hurt their packs or themselves if they aren't prepared for it." She said carefully. "You need training, you need to learn how to fight it off at least until you can get proper help." Her voice was gentle but there was something in her tone that told me not to argue, and I wondered if she was trying to convince herself as much as me when she added, "There are ways to stop it without an actual Alpha guiding you, just things I've learned. But it's not nearly as safe. You need someone with experience, someone who knows what they're doing."

"Can you teach me?"

Astra hesitated, and I knew that whatever answer she gave next was going to be the hardest thing she had ever had to say aloud. "I can teach you a lot of things. Some basic techniques to suppress it, ways to fight it off when it first starts. But a first shift needs a real Alpha, or at least another wolf, to guide you through it properly. I'm not strong enough to help you, to keep you from hurting yourself, and I was never supposed to be your teacher. I was only supposed to watch you and keep you safe, as far as the council was concerned." Her hands found mine, squeezing them gently. "You need real help, and I don't know if I can give it to you."

I pulled away and paced the small confines of the bathroom, the strange golden glow at the edges of my vision flickering every now and then when the mirror caught my eye. "This can't wait for the council to finish their little farce over my life. If this is going to happen whether I want it or not, I need to know how to protect myself before it happens again."

"I know." Astra's voice was quiet as I passed again in front of the bathroom mirror, her gaze locked onto it, arms crossed over her chest. She looked frustrated, genuinely frustrated for the first time since I had met her, instead of the usual careful mask she always wore. "There's only one wolf here on campus with enough strength and bond to actually help you properly."

I felt my stomach drop at her words, knowing even before she said them who she meant. "Cole," I murmured, because that was not surprising either, knowing what I knew, which was not much at all except instinctual instinct, because it was all the evidence I had of this deep connection that had just, abruptly, grown roots in my body. The day after the restaurant, the day after the council, the day after he told me I could choose, some part of me, old and feral, deciding I did not want to be alone when something so huge and terrible and irreversible happened to me, no matter how much it hurt.

"Cole," Astra said again, and I looked up to see my own reflection in the darkened hallway in the c***k of the bathroom door, my eyes catching the same strange gleam as before, but for the first time since I'd seen it I did not blink furiously to make it go away.

"You should call him."

Astra's fingers were already brushing against the phone as she gestured for it, and I took it from her with unsteady fingers, heart hammering in my throat as I stared down at his name in my contacts. All the anger at the restaurant dissolved instantly at the thought of hearing his voice, the sharp relief at the thought of him being here right now so much stronger than whatever had prompted the anger in the first place, so much stronger than even the fear coiling in my ribs at the thought of him hurting me again. My thumb hovered over the call button for a long moment before I finally pressed it, a tiny, petulant part of me resenting the sudden rush of happiness at the sound of his voice as he picked up on the first ring, as if he had known it was me the whole time, even though neither of us had said anything about it since the restaurant. His voice was rough with sleep and something else that sounded suspiciously like worry as he spoke, asking me what was wrong, before I even had a chance to say anything at all.