Finding Us Again

BLISSFUL UNION

Before his infidelity, there were already cracks before he’d plunged it into its already failing existence. They had wonderful years in the beginning, wonderful years that not only strengthened the pairing that had taken both of them by surprise but during which they welcomed their two children; Sandra in 2011 and Josh in 2012.

But as their lives changed…so did their marriage. And not in a good way. She didn’t quite know when she started to feel more tolerated than wanted, more endured than desired. But over time, that was how she felt in their marriage. As Michael pursued one business idea after the other in the years following his job loss and his father's business bankruptcy, as his ability – or inability – to make money consumed him, Michelle lost the man she’d fallen in love with.

In his place was a man focused on everything but her. And after many years of giving and loving and nurturing, she soon had nothing to pour from. Unfortunately, the logistics business he’d believed the better option hadn’t worked out, and neither had the real estate, tech startup, hedge fund, and forex trading hustles that had followed.

Michelle, on the other hand, comes from a wealthy family that dealt with a private banking dynasty. Growing the business and spreading it into Hotrl chain reserve. With Michael's inability to keep with the family’s lifestyle, she became their family’s breadwinner, which was fine and good in the beginning. Until she noticed that he felt his voice was being silenced.

She hated how Michael sugar-coated things. She hated his propensity to exaggerate and embellish, a trait of his that made her believe the stories he’d spun about the viability of many a business idea, causing her to trust his unrealistic timelines and ambitious promises.

When he’d told her how lucrative the package delivery business he was starting with most of their savings would be, she’d believed him. When he’d told her the tech startup was the future and how the first year of his business was bound to generate at least a billion naira in profit, she’d recalibrated their family’s finances in anticipation.

But both these businesses had failed woefully, leaving him, and their family by extension, financially worse off. So, by the time he was trying to convince her how middlemen were the real money makers in the marketing of petroleum products, she’d learned how to take what he said with a pinch of salt.

But the even bigger tragedy was the withering of their s*x life, with him never in the mood when she wanted it…and vice versa. His libido only kicked in when she’d fallen asleep while hers raged in the early hours of morning when he was too tired to be aroused by anything she did.

Considering the significant changes to her body after having children - her waist thickening and her hips widening by several inches - her diminished confidence made Michaels' rejection sting even more. And soon, they stopped trying.

“Men don’t care whether you’ve given birth or not or hether it’s not right down there. All that matters is the perfect opportunity to sink their 'willis' down there. What did you do to him to make him lose interest?” her mother asked when Michelle confided in her about their dried-up s*x life.

What did she do to him? The question was what had he done to her?!

“ It isn’t the timing of your preference for s*x that turns me off,” he said nonchalantly when they had returned from visiting her parents one day.

“Then why don’t you touch me?” she asked, her eyes peering into his exhausted-sweat-simmered face.

“For Chrissake Michelle, just drop it” he had said, then went out of the room.

She followed him “No I won’t, Michael, you better answer me”

He stooped and turned to face her, thin veins showing on his neck, evidently showing his controlled anger. “ Why? You want us to do it here? Where the kids can hear us? Thats fine anyway since you always air out dirty laundry to anyone who cares to listen”

“Don’t you dare put this on me, Michael. I have never-“

“There were many times I’d fought through my mental and physical fatigue to have s*x with my wife at 5 am in the morning. But as your imposed limitations grow I can’t touch your stomach because you said it’s big, your boobs because they’re flat or..or too saggy, your thighs because of little stripes of stretch marks or even to down on you and not to mention how you would rush me if we went longer than twenty minutes so you could start preparing yourself for work and the kids for school” his breath turned ragged, then he took a deep breath.

Perplexed by what he had said, she gnashed her teeth and spoke through gritted teeth, “So now you’re blaming me or what? Well, forgive me for being so insecure after having two kids-“

For f***s sake I am tired of hearing that s**t!” His rage stunned her “Well, forgive me too for resorting to a good wank, which is more appealing to me than the rushed, checked, sleep-interrupting ordeal that is copulating with my wife.”

“Oh my gosh, you’re so self-centered.” She punted a finger at him, intentionally poking his chest. “ I need to take care of my family, of our family.”

“Because I can’t huh?”

“Jeez, I never said that, Michael.”

“All of that and you have no idea of how much I hate…really hate…how small you make me feel. I hate how inconsequential you make me feel when you make decisions all by your self without telling me just because you can afford everything by yourself.”

She scoffed “I always tell you things. You’re the one always acting like you don’t care.”

Michael moved a step backward, and ruffled his hair, frustrated, he said “You changed the children’s school for crying out loud. I hated that I had no input in that decision or anything else.”

“That’s a f*****g lie and you know it.”

“You’ve made it very clear to everyone that you’re the one who wears the pants. You make me feel diminished and belittled…and I hate it Michelle,” he looked at her as if daring her to have a come back and when she said nothing, he went down the stairs and out of the grand entrance door.

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During her family’s sixtheith anniversary of their banking dynasty, they had argued before going for the party.

“Would it kill you to compliment me even once?” Michelle snapped after she had put in effort for him to notice her, after losing a very noticeable 10 kilograms and finally having the confidence to wear a fitted dress instead of what had become her go-to attire of loose shirts and pants, all she’d gotten from her husband was an indifferent glance and a mumbled ‘not bad’. “You don’t say nice things to me, but when it comes to saying mean things about me, you’re first in line for that one!”

“Stop exaggerating. I don't say mean things to you. Me bringing to your attention the shitty things you do and me criticizing you are two completely different things.” It was the beginning of yet another argument, the kind of arguments that had become their norm after years of suppressed anger and resentment.

“How will I know the difference when you’re always screaming my head off?!”

“It’s the way my voice is, and you know this, Michelle!”

“I never get any love and tenderness from my own husband! When you’re not yelling at me, you’re ignoring me!”

“For God’s sake, this is how my voice is!” Michael exclaimed. “The same way a woman craves tenderness is the same way a man craves respect. And we both know how much of that I get here!”

“Respect is all you care about” and just like it happened when they started to argue, when it got too heated, Michelle would retreat into her shell, her emotions too sensitive for the raised voices and caustic words.

Michael , upon realising she was no longer responding, would also shutdown, and the silence that followed was often more lethal than the yelling and screaming. And the resentment grew.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------On the morning of September 29th 20223, her thirty-sixth birthday, as Michael walked into their kitchen as Sandra and Josh sang the birthday song for her, from the look on Michaels face, Michelle knew he had forgotten. Even though he forgot all their birthdays and relied on her for important dates, the cluelessness on his face more than grated, more than stung. It broke her heart and ruined the whole day.

And even though he had immediately joined the children in song and sent her a bouquet of flowers at work later in the day, it was yet another demonstration of his apathy towards her.

When she had returned from work, she didn’t say anything to him or even replied his greetings. When they retired to bed, Michelle kept her back to him as usual and only turned her head to face him when he called her name the sixth time.

“Hmm?”

“Look, I know you’re mad at me because of I forgot your birthday. I’m so sorry and I promise to do better next year”

“Josh’s birthday is in next two weeks, how about you start with that?” She snapped

He sighed “Do I even matter to you?”

“Here we go again, you making yourself the victim. Making everything and nothing about you”

“In the hierarchy of things that are important to you,” he said with an irritating voice . “Your house is number one, the children are number two, your parents and cousins are number three, you are number four, and your business is number five. All of these before I have any hope of even ranking!”

“That’s because these people and things show me love and give me joy. You give love when you get love,” she retorted. “It’s that simple. You don’t give me any of your time so why should I place you in the list of my priorities?” She sat up and faced him.

“I’m busting my ass trying not to have another failed business, and you know this. I’m trying to make something of myself so I can be the one to provide for us.”

“Provide for us yet kill our marriage at the same time!”

“What exactly do you want from me, Michelle?” had been his exasperated response. “You want me to hustle, yet you want me at your beck and call. You resent me for not having enough to contribute yet also resent me for trying to do my damned best to take that burden off you. How can I compete with the unrealistic vision of a man you expect me to be?!”

And just like she did when things got heated, she clammed up, the flattening of her eyes and thinning of her lips the visual giveaways of her shutting down from their argument.

“Why do you do that, Michelle? Why do you blank out when we’re talking? Don’t you know it makes me feel like a fool? Like I’m talking to myself?” Michael lamented like he always did

“That wasn’t talking. That was you yelling. And you know yelling upsets me.”

“You can’t just clam up after you’ve said your piece! What happens to what I have to say?!”

But Michelle was done talking and, as her silence always did, it marked yet another abrupt end to their conversation. She laid down back, scooting father away from him.

It was this emotional distancing, this silent communication that he wasn’t worth an emotional reaction that hurt Michael even more than any of the words they exchanged.

It was a circular reference for Michelle. She withdrew because he stopped giving her attention…and he stopped giving her attention because she withdrew. Michelle didn’t even know which came first.

“We’re sinking Michelle, can’t you see that? And I am desperate to keep that from happening, desperate to keep us from drowning.”

Silence

Michael stood up and rounded the bed until he stood in front of her, on second thought, he dragged a stool and sat in front of her “Stop this we’re having a conversation. You need to stop shutting me out” he said calmly.

“Why won’t we sink when you’re doing the barest minimum?” Michelle retorted with her eyes still closed “How many times have I tried to get us to spend more together? How many times have I suggested we leave the house at least once a week, just you and I, to try to bond and revive what we once had?!”

“We need to build a friendship first, Michelle. That’s what’s lacking. We need to be friends first. If we’re friends, everything else will work. But as we are now, even if we go out ten times a week, we’re just going to argue.”

“We’re not friends?!” Michelle exploded as she sat upright. “My husband of 10 years is saying to my face that he and I are not friends?!”

Michael placed his elbow on his knees and covered his face as Michelle ranted, disappointed about her take away from what he’d said, disappointed about her refusal to put down her own reservations for a moment and just listen to reason for once, disappointed how quickly she was to jump to conclusions about him, disappointed how she chose, instead, to be blind, deaf, and mute to anything she didn’t want to see, hear, or say.

That was when he stopped trying. That was when he also resigned himself to the fact that this was what they had become and what their marriage had degenerated to. A union of people who loved each other…but didn’t like each other very much.