Second Chance at Love

Chapter 21

Getting in my jeep, I start driving toward the paintball center. The resoled I had found before leaving my house, is slowly leaving me as I drive. I’m still debating on if I should cancel my date or not. I’m the one that invited him. It would be pretty bitchy of me to cancel now. But I’m struggling so much to get out of the emotional state finding Michael’s shirt brought on me.

I really didn’t expect to find something so significant that belonged to him today. I feel so lost and confused. I hate this feeling. It’s almost as if I fell back in time from a year ago.

I’m so emotional, I have a hard time concentrating on my driving and almost got hit by another car while changing lane. It scared the s**t out of me for a second.

After about a 20-minute drive, I arrive at the paintball center. I can already see Mathieu’s truck near the entrance. Seeing me get into the parking lot, he gets out of his truck with a huge smile on his face.

It almost breaks my heart seeing him so happy to see me when I’m feeling so lost and confused after what happened when I was searching for my gear.

Parking next to him, I get out of my jeep, barely making eye contact with him.

I should have canceled. I think to myself.

I head to the back of the jeep to get my bag out of the trunk.

“Hi, beautiful!” Mathieu says to me with so much care in his eyes.

What am I supped to do? What should I do?!

He goes to give me a kiss, but at the last second, I turn my head sideways, for him to kiss my cheek instead of my lips.

Backing away from me, he looks at me confusingly.

“Are you alright?” He asks, concern resonating in each of his words.

“I’m fine,” I answer him dryly, with a tight smile, still not meeting his eyes.

Putting my bag on my shoulder, I close the trunk door and start heading towards the center’s door, only to be pulled back by Mathieu grabbing my elbow.

“What!?” I ask with more anger in my voice than I meant to.

“What’s going on with you? You look like your mad. What happened?” He asks with furrowed brows.

“Nothing, I’m fine. Let’s go.” I say trying to get out of his hold, but he doesn’t let go of my arm.

Looking at his hand still holding me, I look back at him a little frustrated.

“You can let go of my arm now.”

Looking at me seriously, he keeps hold of my arm and takes a step closer to me.

“I know you better than this, Tasha. I know somethings not right. You were fine when we talked earlier, but now, you look extremely trouble and pissed for some reason. So, you can either tell me what the hell is going on, or I can play the guessing game all day. It’s up to you, either way, I’m not leaving or letting go until you talk to me.” He asks, looking at me intensely, waiting for me to start explaining.

Should I tell him about what I found earlier? I ask myself for the millionth time.

Feeling myself breaking down again, my shoulder starts to sag, and I can feel my eyes tearing up.

Not being able to control my emotions, I let out a soft cry followed by a louder sob.

He seems so scared and at a loss at my reaction. He doesn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t either if I was in his shoes. What do you do when the girl you want to date has such an embarrassing public meltdown?!

Taking me into his arms, he holds me tightly. Fisting his shirt in my hands, he let me cry out all my tears and pain. Keeping my face hidden in his chest, I don’t know how long I’ve cried for, but it must have been a while. My throat feels so hoarse.

After a while, I can feel Mathieu's hands slowly stopping rubbing my back.

“Mind telling me now what the hell happened for you to be this upset? I’m really getting worried here.” He says in a tender voice.

Sniffing a little still, I back away from his and furiously rub my tears away.

“I’m sorry… I-I was looking for my paintball gear in the basement. And I was going through my bins.” I say, hiccupping a little from crying so much.

“Ok, but what happened that was so bad for you to be so upset?” He asks confusingly.

Taking in a deep breath, I close my eyes for a second, trying to compose myself and find the right word to talk to him about this. It feels so awkward. Me talking about my deceased husband to the guy I’m dating. What is wrong with me?!

“In…In one of the bins, I opened…I found…”

“What did you find,” He asked gently.

“I found Michael’s favorite shirt…” I whisper out, not able to look at him. I’m scared to look at him and see disgust or rejection. I feel so stupid.

“Hey, look at me” I hear Mathieu say in a gentle voice.

Shaking my head from side to side, I refuse to look at him.

“Come on, look at me.” He says again.

I sacredly lift my head and peek at him, but what I see, surprises me.

I don’t see disgust, nor do I see rejection. Not even the slightest hint of displeasure. All I can see is love, care, and concern.

“You should never feel like you have to hide anything from me. I know you have a past. That you were in love with someone else. It’s not like he left you on purpose. He dies. And none of you could have foreseen it. I understand that finding something like that, his favorite shirt, it must have brought a lot of good memories for you. Even if they made you sad because there just that, past memories. I would never want or ask you to not think about him, about your memories with him. He was with you when I wasn’t. You have a beautiful daughter with him. It’s only natural for you to react this way. I would never hold it against you. Please, if something like this happens again, don’t try and suppress your feelings. I will always listen to you. I will always be the shoulder you can cry on. I will always be there. At 2 in the afternoon, or 2 in the morning. No matter what it is, please call me. I’ll always make time and be free for you, always.”

Listening to him talk, I feel speechless. How can he be so open to listening to me talk about another man? Is he really this understanding and considerate? Is he still the same man I knew before all that bullshit from our past?! He seems more amazing now than he ever was before.

Can I let myself fall over him again?

I think it might be too late now… I think to myself before throwing myself back into his arms and kissing him passionately, taking him by surprise. But it only lasts a fraction of a second before he starts responding to my fervent kiss.

“Shall we get paintballing now?” He asks after a moment has passed, with a satisfied smirk on his face.

Smirking myself, I give him another quick kiss.

“I’ll still kick your ass in there. I won’t be lenient just because you converted me and gave me a few sweet words!” I say giving him a wink, making him laugh.

“You always used to say that, but you always lost in the end. Don’t be a soar lose when it happens again, cutie.” He says, pulling me in the center.

“Bring it on!” I reply with determination.