I AM DIFFERENT

WE LOST HER

It was morning. Very early before a third or fourth crow of a c**k.

One of my eldest cousins came home. She was crying! She couldn't keep her cries to herself and thank heavens for at least we had grabbed some sleep on that night.

She woke grandma and broke her the worst news that her eldest daughter was no more. The news that broke my heart, the news that is breaking my heart while writing this chapter of my life. The news that separated my brother and I for a longer period of time. For ages.

The news that made me who I am today a sad person inside.

A person who doesn't really understand what they are made of.

My identity was screwed with and still is.

With many questions but no one to present to.

✴✴✴✴

The pain of losing a daughter was too much to bare.

But losing a mother who was a father also was even much harder to be predicted even by a seer.

Bro cried his heart out.

He was so angry with himself knowing he could do nothing to bring mama back to us. It was as if it was his fault but no it wasn't

I was stranded and struggling with my emotions. I wanted to cry even more but I was tired I had enough tears shaded and I could cry no more.

I went silent on everyone.

I only wanted to see mama and hug her.

Tell her all I wanted for my birthday but she was not available.

I needed her to scold my brother for crying when he was supposed to be a big boy.

I needed her to lift me up and help me giggle by her tickle. I was in pain!

I realized that she was truly gone and now I only wanted my brother next to me.

I didn't want sharing him with any friends or relative, I knew he was suffering just like I was or maybe even worse.

People trying to comfort me only received blank looks on my face.. I was tired.

Tired of sorry

Tired of 'we're here for you'

I mean I was tired.

I wished death would also take me with her but that wish could not be granted and it would be so unfair to brother.

Leaving him alone in this cruel world, No!

I wouldn't imagine betraying him.

I wouldn't think of a giffy without being there for him.

Just looking into his eyes would better the worse.

That is what I thought.

Some few days passed and relatives came over to plan for her burial.

There were meetings and committee gatherings every night discussing about nothing I know about.

People's attention was always on me I could not understand why though.

My brother always protected me from scary people and tried to cheer me up forgetting he was also wounded.

He seemed to have forgotten his sorrows and honesty focused on his only reflection of his mum.

There I was!

Innocence all round my face.

Fear in my veins and faith was not my portion. I didn't understand what that was anyway.

***

We were small African kids.

Let me be specific and say Kenyan kids who had no dad or no mama but at least mum was still in the mortuary physically present but a mile away.

To many, this would mean total trouble.

This was bad! Something close to being thrown in a hollow dark tank or tunnel? See what it felt like? It was worse I promise.

Not knowing what tomorrow held with no seer by your side.

Not knowing how to feel with your emotions caged.

Yoo!! My mum was no more!