Sam

Chapter 6: (Last Chapter)

By Michael Juha

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School days came and having Sam back with the group, everything was normal, of course, except for the complicated secret relations of Sam and me, and Sam and Cathy. No one knew that secret. My only consolation is the advantage that I knew the secret relation of Sam and Cathy and Cathy didn’t know Sam and mine.

As usual, the group would go to my place on some weekend get-together; swimming at the creek, catching fish, going on a picnic, do our assignments together, or drink our favorite coconut wine. And if the group would not come to my place, Sam will come alone and stay with me. Everything was just perfect.

But few days into the next semestral break Sam & Miss Cathy’s relationship was exposed. It spread like a wildfire in the campus. And the worst thing was… Miss Cathy was pregnant!

I was stunned. So I thought of confronting Sam about it. In the evening, Sam came and just as he stepped into the living room he said, “Geoff, I think you heard the rumor already...”

“What rumor?” I asked playing innocent.

“...About Cathy and me. And she’s pregnant. This morning the School Director terminated her employment.” Sam said anxiously.

I didn’t know if I would be angry or would pity Sam. But the thought of losing him stuck to my mind. “So what is your plan now?”

“I don’t know? If this reaches my Dad and Mom, surely they will be furious. Secondly, I don’t know how Cathy will handle all these; her life is in a mess, she has no more job... and it’s all because of me!”

“Yeah, there’s no one to blame, Sam but you. Coz you are stupid and self-centered. And all you want is for people to understand you. You don’t care about me, and you don’t care about my feelings. You don’t even care about Cathy!” I yelled at him.

“God! Do I have to tell you, everything Geoff? We talked about this already. I told you all about this... do you need to know when, where and how Cathy and I had s*x together? When you learned that Cathy and I had a relationship, what did you expect us to do – say the rosary or the novena in her room, ha?!” Sam raised his voice.

“Yeah, but I told you to be careful and responsible, Sam! And you can have a relationship with her without s*x! See what happens now – it’s all because of your stupidity!” I blamed him.

“Yeah, I got your point, Geoff and everyone’s stupid points. Now what? You want me to kill myself? I accept responsibility for all of these, it’s my fault. What do I need to do in order to get my life back, our lives back, Geoff; it’s what I want to know! s**t!!” Sam yelled.

I paused for sometime. “I don’t know Sam... It’s not easy...”

“Geoff, everyone is pointing fingers on me and Cathy, even my family now... It’s only you who understand me and who could give me guidance. Please be there for me.”

“Yeah, Sam, I know. It’s what you have always told me, just to feel you, and to understand you...” I said in an air of self-pity and sarcasm. Then I paused in deep thought, flashed my mind back to where Sam and I had started. And with a sense of deep sadness and self-denial, I gathered my whole strength to say the harshest and most masochistic advice, “You marry her, Sam, you marry Ma’am Cathy.” It was the most painful words I had ever spoken in my whole life. I could feel my heart shattered into pieces.

I went straight to my room without looking back to avoid Sam from seeing me cry.

Sam was stunned there to hear such words from me. After a few minutes, he followed to my room, sat on the edge of my bed and caressed my hair. “Geoff, you don’t have to say that. I will try my best to find a way that I can’t marry Cathy...”

“Then you are running away from your responsibility, Sam.”

“No... only to delay it until I am ready for it. I will persuade Cathy and my parents that I got to finish my studies first and let us see what happens then...”

I was temporarily relieved by what Sam said. But my thoughts went for Miss Cathy; will she allow it considering her situation? And knowing that Sam’s parents are deeply religious...? “I don’t know Sam, I don’t know...” I said worrying about such a possibility.

Sam didn’t stay long that night. He was so worried about things and what could be the reaction of his parents upon knowing the situation.

The following day, Sam never went to school. I just learned that he was suspended until the end of the semester and will just be given special arrangements to comply with the requirements for the finals. Like Miss Cathy, he was nowhere to be seen in the Campus. It was an incomplete life without Sam. And not knowing what happened to him added to my anxiety.

On the night of the last day of school, Sam came to my house. He looked very sad, and his eyes as if he had never slept for nights. His vigor, happy disposition and strong enthusiasm had gone. I was worried.

“Geoff, they have already decided everything. Cathy and I will get married on Sunday next week; after the marriage we will go to Cathy’s province so Cathy can find a job there. My dad will continue to shoulder for my education in her province until I finish my course...”

I felt like the world had collapsed on my shoulder and my dream was taken away. It was so excruciatingly painful to hear. But I kept my calm trying to pretend it was only okay. But my tears couldn’t hide my innermost feelings.

“I want you to be there on my wedding, Geoff. You will be my best man and all the other friends are my groom’s men.”

I thought I died many times in that instance. I felt like a knife cut my heart into pieces and my dreams were blown apart.

“They decided it for you, Sam? What did you say? You told me you will try to convince them not to marry Cathy yet...”

“It was my father’s choice, Geoff... and he was furious, I couldn’t say any word. You know Dad when he is angry...”

I had no choice but to accept his decision. Amidst tremendous feeling of loss and devastation, I surrendered. I hugged Sam as he hugged me. We cried together, hang on to each other like two helpless and wounded people, victims of circumstances with whom the world had disdained and judged. We stayed in that position for a long time.

Then we drank, releasing all the bitterness inside. And when we were already intoxicated, we made love like it would be our last time together. We kissed passionately like we had never kissed before. We felt and relished the presence of each other and we hugged like there’s no tomorrow.

It was late in the afternoon when Sam decided to leave. Before he stepped out of the room he said, “Geoff always remember this, whatever happens, you will always have a part in my heart.” He then removed his white gold left earring. Then he also removed his jacket and shirt. From the pocket of his jacket, he took a small bible. “Take and keep these, Geoff so you will remember me always...” handing them to me.

After I took the items from him, I removed my shirt and my silver bracelet and handed these to him. “I want you to take these also, Sam. Please keep them, and take care of them...”

Sam put on the shirt I gave him, slid the bracelet into his pocket and then caressing my cheek, “Geoff, in case a time comes when I am not there and you would want me, just press your hand to your chest and feel your heartbeat, because when you feel it’s beating, you know that my heart beats with it too.” Then he took my hand and guided it into his chest, assuring me that his heart beats with mine.

As I lay my hand over his chest and felt his heartbeat, I nodded, as tears again flowed from my eyes. I kissed and hugged him.

Wedding day came. In spite of my mind screaming for me not to show up, I bravely stood there as Sam’s best man, as promised. But I did it not just for my promise. I did it also for the thought that being Sam’s best man I should be the first person to be there for Sam, no matter what happens. That was my only consolation. But it was so tough being there, having to pretend I was happy when deep down, my heart bled and grieved. I couldn’t totally explain how I felt. It was like I died over and over. And every time someone would greet Sam and Cathy, “Congratulations!” I felt my heart was ripped apart.

In the altar, Sam looked so magnificent and so good-looking in his black suit and dark pants as he stood there waiting for Cathy. His hair was clean shaven as a protest, although he still looked equally dazzling as he was with his long hair. When I looked at his wrist, there was my bracelet. I looked at Sam’s eyes. They were tough hiding the strong pent-up feelings that tortured him inside. He was a person who was physically present in his wedding but whose spirit flew far, far away with another person – me.

When the priest finally asked him if he would take Cathy as his wife, there was something in me that could have exploded. Sam looked behind him and searched his eyes. And when our sights locked, I pressed my hand into my chest, feeling my heartbeat, “Sam, I can feel you here...” I murmured. But when Sam finally said, “I do” my tears just flowed down uncontrollably. I was deeply devastated. The pain was too much to handle. I could even die…

After the wedding, I asked to be excused telling everyone that I did not feel well. Sam wanted me to stay, to be with our group, but I told him secretly that it would not help me to stay there with a pretense smile.

I locked myself in the room. In the evening, I could not sleep. I imagined that while I stayed there on my bed alone, there was Sam and Cathy together. My mind flashed back those days when I first met Sam, when he told me his feelings under the shade of the acacia and how I laughed at him for that; how I turned to fall in love with him later. I remember those times when we would be alone together as if the world belonged to us. I remembered when he gave me that candlelight dinner with the streamer. I remembered our little arguments which would end up in hugging and pacifying each other. I remembered when I would ride with him on his motorbike and he would intentionally drive fast so I would lock myself tightly into his body. All the things which made us laugh and cry together played back endlessly in my mind on that painful night, still fresh on my mind. And as the bed I was lying down was a testament to our love, my hands spread to search for his body. But he was not there anymore. My tears just kept flowing...

I went to my locker and took Sam’s shirt and jacket and wore them. I wore his earring too. But still, I was craving for more.

Then my mind was focused on the bible that Sam gave me. I read it... over and over, reflecting the words that might give me the answers as to why I should suffer, or let go of the one I love, and why it should happen to me and Sam. It did not give me the direct answers. But it helped ease my feeling to know that life was full of trials and obstacles, of pain and sufferings, and that my suffering could be little compared with someone’s suffering. I did not know how long I had stayed in that state. But I just thanked someone up there that I made it through the next day.

The next semester started without Sam and Miss Cathy. I felt like I was a new-born person studying in an unfamiliar school, except for the acacia tree at the botanical garden which always reminded me of Sam. There was a feeling of nostalgia and kind of disorientation.

But gradually, I managed to fully let go and accept what happened. It was a feeling of still loving Sam but minus the pain plus the positive thoughts for his happiness, and best wishes for his family. 

As for Sam, he continued to send me and the group updates and greetings. And true to his promise, he would visit me in my place in every opportune time whenever he gets to my province. And when his first baby was baptized, the whole group visited him, and I was one of the godfathers.

Two years later, I was elected student council president as Sam had thought I would one day be. And during my victory party, Sam attended as one of my special guests. But at that time, I had already totally moved on. In fact, I had already a girlfriend with whom I gladly introduced to Sam, who happily approved her for me.

Now, Sam has four children and I got two. And even if we have already our own separate families, our friendship remained strong, as he wished our relations to be. Sam even suggested that we will match his eldest fifteen-year-old son with my ten year-old daughter so that if it succeeds our thwarted story will continue and get fulfilled in them.

Sam is now thirty-five and I’m thirty-two but even when we meet we still do the “chest-pressing” of our hands. Then we would laugh knowing that only the two of us knew what it meant.

I know that for as long as I live, Sam will remain to hold a special place in my heart. And if I have to live my life all over again and choose someone to share it with; I’d still go... for Sam.

(End)