THE NEW ME VERSION 2.0

Chapter 9

It took a long time for summer to come, but now it's passing quickly. I spent most of my days thinking a lot about what luna said to me. About how she hid. How beautiful I could be if I just stopped. For most of this summer I've been trying to find a way to hide That's all I've done all my life. jameson wasn't there. He attended a special summer session. Actually it was better. Because that would mean marco would stay away too. "Mother? I thought..."

"Hmmm, hmmm?" she muttered without looking up from the sales ad, almost caffeine-free.

"What do you want? How long will it take?" Dad steps in and tries to manipulate the conversation. "What, what do you need?" he asked, finally looking at me across the kitchen table. I take off my glasses slowly. "Mom, don't you think I look better without glasses?"

"You sure are beautiful." she's already back at the newspaper office. Apparently this approach didn't work.

Okay, and she's starting school in about three weeks. So she thought luna had her contact information and she thought - I think, I think -i think so-

"Okay, sweetie, now spit it out." Dad makes a quick spinning motion with his hand without holding the coffee cup.

"OK. So I was wondering if I could ask for your contact information as well?”

Mom and Dad say, "Oh my God, why can't you leave us alone?"

"It's not really that expensive," I say.

"I don't know, mia," said my mother, pinching her nose. Because she doesn't want to disappoint me who was a really good girl. except for small details I smoked with luna every day and sent all my money to the school, so the school gave me a lot of clothes, cosmetics and hair products from the mall, but they didn't give me the school supplies they wanted. bottom. Other than that it's really fine.

"But please. Please, please, please. I look so stupid." I look like a loser It's like I'm in a band! ”

"You're in a band," my dad said, laughing, without interrupting. "But I don't want to look like I belong to a band."

"I see, I understand." Father looked up. mother smiles. she shook his head condescendingly, as if he thought someone was stupid. "mother?" Here's her canonical answer to everything:

"we will see."

"Why not?" I explain.

"No, I said let's see," she repeated sternly.

"Yes, but that means no, right? That's so unfair! jameson has all sorts of new things, so I ask one thing and you say no!"

"jameson learned something new during his studies," father said, as if to cure jameson leprosy.

"He needed them all. No contact required. I want it, but I don't need it.

"I need it!" I can see tears welling up in her eyes. "For the record," I continued, lowering my voice

"Even if I wasn't prescribed contacts, I wouldn't wear glasses anymore!" I went to my room.

"Oh, does she have to start in the morning, just in case?" I heard mother's voice just before I slammed the bedroom door. And then i hear snippets of my father's answer.

"Jesus. . . melodrama. . . girl . . pampered. ” ruined? Am I spoiled, I ask for nothing! I'm not asking for your attention. that's all. End of match whistle. I open the door and step outside and put my hands on the kitchen table. i open mine whatever comes up, say it once without a plan.

"I hate you both!" I grit my teeth. "Sorry, I'm not jameson! I'm sorry, I'm not marco! I'm sorry you're alone with me, but I'm here with you too!" Bouncing to and getting bigger and bigger. you are surprised you are shocked I never looked them wrong. mother slammed her paper on the table without saying a word.

"Never talk like that to your mother or me again!" My father stood up and pointed his finger at my face. "Do you understand? Go to your room!"

"No!" the words escaped his throat. It cuts my vocal cords very quickly, I've never reached this volume. "Now!" he demands and takes a step. I block my feet and fly away. knock on the bedroom door just as hard again Give it an ear if you can. As I listen, desperate breathing tightens my chest.

"Okay, Connor," I heard my mother say softly, trying to whisper.

"We have to do something. This is crazy. What should we do?"

"Hormones, Vanessa. She's a teenager. They're all the same."

"When we were his age, so were we," she said, trying to calm him down.

"I would never have said to my parents, 'I hate you.'

" jameson too, if you remember. They never thought of that.”

Maybe I'm serious. at least a little. Because they pushed me like they pushed me. I make them people who don't know when to give up, people who give up. Take control of your life, your body, everything. I do what they tell me, what everyone tells me. Why didn't they teach me to stand up for myself? They don't know what happened or what he did to me, but they helped create that situation. In a way they allow it. They made it happen by making him stand here and make me believe in other people. The whole world knows better than I know what is good for me. if i hate him, i hate her!

Throw for that. And I hate jameson too. I hate him because his loyalty is to marco not me. I know that, everyone does. Especially marco. how's luna? Why can't she be my friend to take it off me? How come it's been so long and I still can't tell her that she won't believe me, or if she does, she'll blame me in some way? Why do I sometimes feel so lonely when I'm in. Why does it feel like no one in the world knows me, even in the smallest, most insignificant way? God, I hate to admit it, but sometimes the world knows me I know, why do I feel like the only one who really knows is marco? A sick dementia patient. It's like being locked up when you're sick. But he is the only one who knows the truth. Not just the truth about what happened, but the truth about me, who I really am and what I really am made of. And it gives him all the tyranny of this world. But I keep most of this anger to myself. it doesn't matter what other people do Or he didn't give permission. I'm the one who's lying A coward is too scared to stop pretending. Larger than contacts. It's not about the clarinet, the environmental club, the FBLA, the French club, the lunchbook club, the science club, the yearbook, etc.

About the other things I had ticked off my mental list, about not participating anymore. My life, my identity, my sanity is at stake - these are at stake. When I left my bedroom later that night, I told myself not to apologize to them. I really want it, I want her approval, I crave it. But I have to start defending myself. and it has to start with them because they started I will receive the contact information next week. This is my first small victory in the struggle to control my life. There is no mouse girl anymore. No more mischief. No more games for babies.