THE NEW ME VERSION 2.0

Chapter 2

After breakfast, the house was REALLY quiet. Jameson went with Marco to play basketball with some of his old high school friends. Dad needed some kind of special wrench from the hardware store to install the new shower head that Mom got for Christmas. And mom was in her room working on New Year's cards. I sit in the living room and look out the window. The row of multicolored Christmas lights that line the garage flickers spasmodically. In the gray morning light. The clouds pile endlessly on top of each other, the sky closes in on us. In the middle of the neighbors' white lawn, a mostly deflated giant Santa Claus sways slowly, morbidly zombie-like. It feels like a scene from The Wizard of Oz when everything goes from black and white to color. Except it's more like the reverse. How I always thought things were in color but they were really black and white. I can see it now. "Are you okay Mia?" Suddenly, the mother appears in the room, holding a stack of envelopes. I shrug my shoulders in response, but I don't think he notices either. I watched the car roll through the stop sign at the corner, the driver barely blinking to see if anyone was there. I mean, as they say, when most people get into a car accident, it's less than a mile from their home. It could be because everything is so familiar that one no longer pays attention. You don't notice anything different or wrong or bad or dangerous. And I wondered how could this have just happened to me. "You know what I mean?" she asks in the voice she's been using with me since Jameson started school this summer. "I think you're mad at your brother because he doesn't spend enough time with you when he's home." He doesn't wait for me to tell him he's wrong before he continues talking. Tell him that he's really angry because he hasn't been home enough. "I know you want it to be just the two of you. As before. But he's getting old—you're both getting old—he's at college now, Mia.” “I know that—” I start to say, but he cuts me off. "It's good that he wants to see his friends when he's home, you know." The truth is, none of us know how to interact with each other without Jameson. It's like we suddenly became strangers. Jameson was glue. He gave us a purpose - a reason, a way to be together. Because what are we supposed to do with each other when we stop cheering at his basketball games? What are the kitchen table conversations. Would that sound like he doesn't honor us with his daily actions? I am certainly not a surrogate; everyone knows that. What the hell is happening to me that could ever compare to Jameson's constant excitement about life? At first, I thought we would get along. But that's just the way we are. Mom doesn't know what to do with herself without Jameson taking up all her time and attention. And me, I just need my best friend back. It's simple, yet so complicated. "Couldn't hurt to branch out a bit," she continues, shuffling the stack of envelopes in the palm of his hand. “Make some new friends. It's officially the new year." she smiles. I don't. "baby, you know I think Luna is great—she's been a good friend to you—but I'm just saying a girl has more than one friend in life . "I stood and walked past her into the kitchen. I pour myself a glass of water so I have something to focus on besides my mom, the futility of this conversation, and the endless stream of thoughts running through my head. She stands next door, me at the kitchen table. I can feel him looking at my face. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. He tucks my bangs behind my ear like he always does. But I backed off. Not on purpose. Or maybe it is. I'm not sure. I know I hurt her feelings. I open my mouth to tell her I'm sorry, but instead goes out: "It's too hot in here. I'm going out." "Ahh o-okay," he says slowly, confused. My legs are quickly moving away from her. I grab my coat from the back door hook, put on my boots and go out into the back yard. I sweep the snow from one of the wooden swings. I can feel the bruises on my body swell against the cold wood and metal chains.

For a moment, I want to sit still, take a deep breath, and think about how I got to this point in the first place. Think what to do now. I close my eyes tightly, clench my fingers, and pray harder than I have ever prayed in my life, even though I know I shouldn't do it more often than necessary. Just wake up and go back to that morning, nothing happened except this time last night. I remember sitting at the table with him. We played Monopoly. But it was nothing. Everything seemed fine. he was really nice to me. . . He likes me and he acts like I'm more than Jameson's sister. as if I were a real human being. It's not just a child, it's a girl. I fell asleep feeling happy. I fell asleep and thought of him. But the next thing I remember was waking up with him climbing over me, putting his hand over my mouth and whispering "mouth". And everything goes very quickly. If it was all a dream, if it was just a dream of waking up, I would still be safe in bed. It makes more sense then. and nothing happens. nothing changes. I'm just lying in bed and nothing bad should happen there. “Wake up,” I whisper loudly. Lord, please wake up. Wake up Mia! A voice calls out, "Mia!" As I look around with my eyes open, my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. Because I'm not in bed I'm sitting on a swing in the backyard, my bare fingers numb and fastened to metal chains. "What are you doing with splitting atoms?" my brother called from the back door. "I have stood here and called your name a hundred times." He came toward me, his steps wide, quick and sure, the fresh snow crunching slightly under his feet make noise. I sit up straight, put my hands on my knees, and try not to say anything to let him know how bad my body is right now.

"So, Mia," said jameson, sitting next to me on the swing. "I can hear you, you are angry with me” I try to do my best with a smile.

"Let me guess who said that."

"Did she say it's because I'm not spending enough time with you?"

You can tell from my laughter that I only half believes him. "No, no, it's not."

"Okay, well, you're weird," he said, punching my arm with his elbow. He smiled: "So do you."

Maybe this is your chance. Will Maco really kill me if I tell him? will he really kill me? he might make it. He convinced me that I could do it if I wanted to. But he is not here now Jameson is here to protect me, to be by my side. "Jameson, don't go tomorrow," I say, suddenly a sense of urgency hits me. "Don't go back to school. Don't leave me, okay? Please," I begged with tears running down my cheeks.

"What?" he asked, almost laughing. "Where did it come from? I Must go back, Mia - no choice. you know that”.

"Yes, you have a choice. You can go to school here, you do. Bring the scholarship here, remember?”

"But I didn't accept it." He stopped and looked at me anxiously. "Look, I don't,

do you know what to say here? are you serious? "

"I just don't want you to go."

"Okay, it's just for fun, so let's stay here. OK? But consider how I am Should I finish school? We are in the middle of this year. All my stuff is there. my girlfriend is there Mia, my life is there now. You can't just walk away, do anything, go home, and relax or whatever.”

"No, it doesn't mean that. Don't talk to me like a child," I said kindly.

"I'm sorry, Mia, you're a kid." He smiled and stroked my shoulder "What should Marco do in the end?"

“We share a room. We turn around and split all the bills. We trust each other in a way. Eddie, we are talking about each other now. This is mature material. you know what i mean? "

"I trust you too - I need you."

"How long did it take?" he added with a laugh.

"That's not funny. You're my brother, not Marco's brother," I screamed, almost at the top of my lungs. A trembling "Okay, okay." He rolled his eyes. "You seem to have given up, add a sense of humour to your New Year's resolutions," he said, standing there as if the conversation had ended because he had said what he wanted to say.

"Let's go in," he holds out his hand. It feels like my feet are firmly under the snow. As usual, my legs instinctively follow him. my hand goes to him but as my fingers began to touch his palm, something inside me clicked. physical click. If my body were a machine, the gears in me would stop, my muscles would contract, and my body wouldn't move.

"No." I swear, my voice belongs to someone else. he just stands there looking at me. I'm confused because he never said, never in my life have I been with him. he moves from foot to foot, Turns his head as easily as a dog. he breathes his air Smiling lips and open mouth. But I can't make him say "clever".

It shows that his mind is wandering. "You don't understand!"

"What are you saying?" he asked an octave higher, looking around.

Someone else has posted here. "You're my brother." The words "Not Kevin’s!" can be felt hitting an avalanche down his throat.

"What's your problem? I know that!"

I'm standing there, can't let him go until he knows the truth. Tell him what happened before me.

"If you know that, why is he always here? Why are you taking him? He has a family of his own!" I couldn't. "You never had a problem with him. In fact, it's almost the other way around." The sentence hangs in the air like an echo. i look at him Even though he was in tears, I could tell he was angry. "What do you mean?" - I shivered - "On the contrary?" But it worked.

i got you? It probably makes you, I don't know, evil or something. "You're not acting like yourself." And he added, "You know, I should see that. It's so funny that Kevin and I talked about it.”

"What?" I hold my breath and can barely speak. can't believe it. I can't believe he actually did that. He succeeded in turning my true best friend and ally, my brother, against me. "Forget it," he raised his hands and walked away from me. And just watching it shrink as everything else goes from color to black and white. I've been standing there for a while trying to figure out how to follow, how to move, how to survive in a world where Jameson isn't with me anymore.

That night, I gently closed the bedroom door. turn the key 90 degrees, turn the knob to the right and pull the knob as tight as possible to secure it. then i turn around, I turn around and see the bed, sheets and comforter, all clean and perfect, I don't know how I can go in less than an imaginary minute, Tell someone what happened. Start by taking your phone out of my pocket luna calls. But I will stop. Turn on the ceiling light and table lamp and pull out the bed Bag from the top shelf of the closet. roll on the floor and think I can't sleep in my own bed for no other reason. i lay down Half fallen, half fallen, to the bedroom floor. pull the pillow I cry so much on top of my head that I don't know how to stop. why am i crying seeming like a few days. I'll cry until I run out of tears, like I've used them all Like a broken tear duct. Then I just make noise: Barks or snorts. I feel like if I fall asleep like this, I'll never wake up again... In fact, I hope so.