Clerical

Chapter Eleven

Barry's tiny wreck of a vehicle has the look of a clown car as it trundles along; it's cramped with the addition of the unexpected elderly passengers. The old folks are strangely giggly in the back seats, and resemble more of a pair of young teenage romantics, rather than OAP's with a lifetime of experience. One look from Barry into his rear view mirror brings a bout of nausea; the sight of his granddad necking with an equally old woman isn't exactly what he wants to see right now.

Even with the sexually charged pensioners, Barry's mind is fixated on the task at hand – whatever it may actually be. He's aware that the clock is ever ticking, and if Gabriel is correct, then time is not on his side.

"So, now we've effectively become kidnappers, what exactly am I supposed to do next? I'm struggling to see how this mess is a good and decent act of kindness." Barry says quietly to Gabriel.

"It's not a kidnapping though is it? It's more of a liberation. Look how happy your Grandpa is!" Gabriel replies, motioning towards the Grandad giving his giggling girlfriend a love bite.

Barry scoffs in horror. "I'd rather not. f**k it, lets just get them to a hotel and leave them too it."

"C'mon Baz, you can't shove them in a hotel, that's not very-"

"Not very what? Christian?" Barry interrupts. "They can't stay at my gaff."

"I was gonna say cost effective, I don't really have any money." Gabriel replies, opening up a chocolate bar.

"Of course you don't, you spent it all at the services on junk food shit."

Gabriel takes a big bite and gives Barry a look of disappointment.

"It's not happening, mate. Under no circumstance, ever, will they be staying at my flat."

*****

Barry holds open the door to his flat. He looks abjectly defeated as his Grandfather and his sweetheart mosey on in with Gabriel in tow.

The couple are still in a state of giggles and inside jokes, Barry can only look on with a shake of his head and a wipe of his brow. He's stressed out, and grabs Gabriel before he can move past his position.

"In case you haven't figured it out, I'm incredibly pissed off. He's an old man, how the f**k are we supposed to get on with everything while there's this going on?" Barry says, pointing at the old couple making out on his sofa. "Jesus christ, I'm going to chunder."

"Relax my man. As long as you give the bloke what he wants then you'll score some points. I'm confident we can get things moving once we're out and about. It's all gravy." Gabriel replies with a wink.

Gabriel walks to Barrys fridge and opens it up.

"Need a drink old timer?" He shouts across the room. "There's plenty of beer."

"Oh a good pint always did get my juices flowing. Eh lovey." The old man remarks cheekily to his willing partner.

Barry is almost sick in his mouth. The thought of what these two are going to be doing in his home doesn't do much to stop the current turning of his stomach. He takes a deep breath, and regains his composure.

"Grandad? Is there anything specifically you want to do while you're here? Or is this about it?" Barry asks.

Grandad looks away from his missus for a moment and addresses Barry in a serious tone. "Well, actually, there is. Mate of mine from way back when sadly passed away last week, apparently got his funeral going on tomorrow. Would be good to see his send off."

Barry looks at Gabriel who nods. "Alright, Grandad, yeah."

"That being what it is, Barry, there is another thing I'd like to do while I'm here." He says meekly. "Something I ain't done in years."

"Sure, what is it? Bowls? Labour club?"

"Aye, something like that."

*****

The Blue Leopard, a "gentlemans club" on the east side of town. It's clearly seen better days; the exterior signage flashes uncontrollably, making this establishment look even more seedier than it is.

Inside it's not much better. The grimey walls show their age with chipped paint and water stains. The lighting is older than Barry and clings to the ceiling by a thread. The clientel is even worse; dishevelled, feeble, greasy looking men hang around the stage with cheap drinks.

This isn't Barrys cup of tea, but for his grandad, this is exactly what he and his lady friend wanted.

The happy couple sit together by the stage, still in a state of giggly euphoria, hugging and laughing together at the prospect of being free from their state sponsored retirement home.

Barry looks on in embarrassment as the couple cheer the oncoming dancer – a lady who's best days are clearly behind her. He burys his face in his hands as his grandad stands up and starts whooping and cheering the "entertainment". Even Gabriel is a little taken aback at what he's witnessing.

"What the toss are we doing here, Gabriel?" Barry asks.

Gabriel can't respond as he's too busy processing the dancing of the woman in her late 40's.

"I can't handle it, Gabe."

As Barry lurches back, a scantily clad lady carrying a tray of shots approaches him. He reaches for one of the drinks, but Gabriel, who is still half concentrating on the stage, stops him with a flick of his wrist.

"We're fine thank you, love." Gabriel says, motioning to the drinks lady.

"It's a two drink minimum." The lady responds in an aggressive tone.

Gabriel turns his focus to her. "Oh. Well, I'll have his then."

"Hang on!" Barry exclaims while Gabriel takes and pays for his 4 shots.

The lady walks away, leaving an abject Barry to sit sour faced in his own misery.

Gabriel throws the drinks on the floor. "You can't have any, remember? It's imperative you don't stray off the path of righteousness in these last few days."

"righteousness? Have you had some sort of stroke? All we've done since I've been back is see some rip-off merchant perform magic, kidnap an old man and his bird, and come see Cruella Deville shake her floppy potatoes at a gang of old steel workers."

"We're giving your old man a taste of the high life, this is charity."

"Charity is helping at a dog shelter or sponsoring an African child to get shoes. This is-" Barry watches as his grandad stuffs a fiver into the strippers thong. "f****d beyond repair."

"Trust me, Barry boy. This is all gravy."

Barry's Grandad and his girlfriend appear to pay another, similarly aged stripper some cash, and both toddle off to a back room hand in hand.

He's seen enough. Barry stands up from his seat and storms outside. Gabriel stays seated, and as a waitress walks past he gets her attention.

"Do you do any hot food?"

*****

It's getting dark outside the club. Barry sees a staunch looking woman standing by the entrance smoking a cigarette. By the way she's dressed, with leather trousers and matching leather biker jacket, it appears like she's trying to give off an air of intimidation. He approaches her.

"You ain't got a spare one of those have you?" He asks.

The lady glances at Barry from the corner of her eye. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a cigarette box, and hands Barry one, helping him light up with her zippo lighter.

"Cheers." He says, taking a gigantic drag of the smoke and breathing it out with a satisfied exhale.

His body language changes almost immediately, and he seems more relaxed.

The Lady, who's blonde hair is permed up very ala 1995, doesn't turn to look at him.

"You with that old couple and the dapper dressed fella?" She asks, her voice slightly gruff and no nonsense.

"Yeah, my Grandad wanted to come here for whatever reason. I'd hazard a guess he used to come here when it wasn't quite as dilapidated."

The lady takes a big drag from her cigarette and pauses for a moment. "Then you must be Barry, then."

Barry squints, confused. He turns to look at the lady properly. He eyes her up and down, searching deeply for any connection he might have to this person. He can't find any.

"Do I know you?" He says suspiciously.

The lady sighs. "No, you don't. But I know you, Barry. I also know Gabriel."

Barry swallows his gullet. He's seen too much to doubt anybody's story anymore, but with a little hesitation, wants to probe some more.

"So are you an…. Angel as well?"

"As well as who? Gabriel? Is that what he told you?" She chuckles.

With a shake of his head, Barry flicks his finished cigarette away onto the road.

"Look, love. I've heard a lot of tip-toeing from you people over the last few days, if you have something to say, then just say it without dragging it out for 40 minuets." He says, matter of fact.

"First things first, mate, don't go calling me love. Yeah? Second, Gabriel isn't the best man for whatever it is you lot are up to. I've been sent here to warn you about him, I don't want to be here, I've got better s**t to be doing that coming to greasy f*****g strip joints and warning idiots not to do i***t things. So take my advice: Walk away."

"What?" Barry asks, shaking his head.

The lady angrily flicks her own cigarette away, and turns to face Barry.

"Gabriel is-"

The lady's head shoots to the front entrance of the club with alarm. Barry reacts to this by looking over In that direction to see Gabriel, Barry's grandad, and his girlfriend being escorted out of the club by bouncers. The bouncers give the happy couple a few choice words about not coming back anymore before gently pushing them out and shutting the door behind them.

Barry turns back to the lady he was speaking to. His confusion and frustration is evident as he realises that this woman can do the same disappearing trick as Gabriel – She's gone like the wind.

Barry's Grandfather walks towards him and throws his arm around him with a big smile. Barry is shocked by the smell of his breath and turns away wincing.

"Christ, how much did you drink?" Barry asks.

"Enough to get into a wee bit of trouble, son." He responds.

"f***s sake. What happened? You weren't touching them were you?"

"Not me, Lad. Old frisky Frieda over there." Grandad says with a laugh, motioning to his girlfriend behind him. She also chuckles.

Barry holds back the vomit in his mouth and shuts his eyes.

"Between you and me, Barry, she's a little bit of a Firestarter if you know what I mean." Grandad whispers, giving Barry a little elbow dig to the ribs.

"So, time for bed?"

"Oh, come on, son. The nights still young. We've got plenty of things we can be doing, I'm only here for a few days after all."

"I really think that-"

Gabriel cuts off Barry's whinging with a short cough. Barry stares at Gabriel with daggers in his eyes and shakes his head "no" at him. Gabriel responds with a nod of his head.

Barry, mouthing swearwords to himself sticks his hand out for a cab.

"Alright, Grandad, where do you wanna go?" He asks. "please make it somewhere a little less seedy, please, my stomach can't handle it."