Pages of Pain

CHAPTER 4

Wiping the beads of sweat gliding in my face, I harshly wiped my tears sitting here in this rag bed. Mama and I were in an argue earlier. I told her to stop working at Argus. I cannot sleep peacefully as I still remembered his creepy voice. Should I tell Akio about this? But my accusations have no strong hold as it is just my instinct that pushes me to investigate silently of what is he up to. My mother firmly disagreed not only because of our financial debts but also the growing and increasing debt of gratitude. I am afraid that Argus will hurt my mother. I just witnessed his other side and it urges me to believe that he should not be completely trusted.

“I still have to save funds for your studies!”

“I don’t need that Ma! I don’t want to go for a school anymore!”

“You’re eighteen. What will you be few years from now, huh?”

I hide my misty eyes.

“I want you to live like the normal teens Mikaza. But I am very sorry if I cannot give you that life in an instant.

I shook my head harshly.

“I-I don’t need to blend and compete with them Ma. I just want you to stop b-because of your condition. I-Im worried about your health” and your security.

Although it is not right to accuse someone with insufficient foundation, I am totally get scared upon Argus. My instinct never gets wrong and I am not ready to know the real identity or agendum of him. One of these days, I will ask Akio with me to come in the forest. We witnessed it together. I’m sure he is also dying to know the other scenarios and identity of those people.

My reverie came back as my mother gently walked near me.

“I can still endure. One of these days, you’ll enroll in the city”

Part of me is happy but also doleful.

I will finally study after for about six years of being stuck in this destitute village. But being me staying in the city means away from her and no one could possibly protect her in times of danger or any emergency. Being away for years without my Papa is grievously arduous. I don’t know if where will I be? What would I feel without my mother? I guess I’ll lose my will to live, literally.

“I just want to stay with you in here Ma”

She smiled gently as she combed my hair with her hand softly.

“Mikaza, no matter how you deny, the reality is that by the end of the day, we are all alone. One day I will eventually leave you. So I want you to make or plan about your life now for you to be ready”

I frustratingly shook my head. How can she easily say that? I cannot attempt to imagine living here alone. Without a family to lean on. Without a shoulder that will console me.

“Don’t l-leave me Ma. I-I don’t want my other parent to leave me again”

She fixed the hem of my dress and put the disheveled strands of my hair at the back of my ear.

“I won’t leave unless death will knock at my door”

“I will say sorry in advance to you. I can’t stay with you forever. I will eventually leave you struggling in this beggary village”

“Do you understand me Mikaza? I want you to plan. I want you to quest your destiny”

Reflecting at my bed with the wind slowly danced the curtains in our window, I made my mind.

Staring at this vast desert, with the shades of the forest slightly visible from here, my lips curved in a smile.

I’ll quest my destiny Ma.

Not in the environment and institution called school.

Not in the blissful prospects of life.

But on the vast forest that gives me hope.

On that forest that aspires me.

On that forest that drags me.

On that forest that calls me.