Lady Jane: A Time For Us

Yet Often At A Cost

"Grace is such a lovely girl," the Queen said to Jane one day. "How old is she?"

"She turned sixteen last February, Your Majesty."

"We must find her a suitable husband soon. It's not a day too early. I was just thinking what an excellent prospect the younger Henry Carey would be for her. As you know, his grandmother was Mary Boleyn, my own dear mother's sister." Elizabeth had only the vaguest memories of her mother and treasured them dearly.

"I truly appreciate your concern for Grace's welfare," Jane said. "I will talk to her about Henry, but I won't force her. I know what it is to be forced. Grace will not marry unless it's what she genuinely wants."

Elizabeth placed a comforting hand on Jane's arm. "I know how much you love Grace, and how determined you are not to see her subjected to the same trauma you yourself once suffered. My dear cousin, you must try to set your feelings aside and think about what's best for Grace. You know yourself how vitally important it is for a young woman in her position to marry the right man."

"I do believe you have said less than ten words for the entire evening. That's not like you at all." Guilford went to his wife and hugged her from behind. "Of what are you thinking, my love?"

"Her Majesty has proposed a marriage between our Grace and the younger Henry Carey."

"That sounds like an excellent idea to me. That whole family is strong in the true faith, and it would form a stronger bond with Her Majesty's mother's own family, the Boleyns. Why do you look so sad?"

"It's only that I wouldn't want Grace to feel pressured. If she is to marry, it should be of her own free choice."

"Of course, darling," Guilford said soothingly. "But as you know, we must think of her future. She's not a little girl anymore, much as she may still seem so to you and me at times."

"If it will make Her Majesty happy, then I will do it," Grace told her mother. "After all, if it weren't for her, we would still be living in Spitalsfield pretending to be Huguenots."

"As important as it is for Her Majesty to be happy, to me it's even more important for you to be happy, Grace. That's why I want this to be entirely your own decision. I would never force you to marry as my own mother forced me to."

"What?" Grace was shocked.

"Though I love him dearly now, I at first didn't want to marry your father. My mother, your grandmother, beat me."

"Oh no, mother!" Grace went to Jane and embraced her tightly.

"You have often wondered why my own mother and I were never close as you and I are. She always resented the fact that it was my brother, rather than me, who died in infancy. No matter what I did, I could never please her. Although I was very well provided for materially, I was never shown much love. I always promised myself that if I should ever have children of my own, I would never let them forget how much I loved them."

"Oh, mother." Tears were in Grace's eyes.

"That's why I don't want you to agree to marry Henry unless it's what you truly want."

"Have you discussed this with Father?"

"I have, and he thinks it's an excellent idea but agrees with me that you won't be forced."

"If it will make Her Majesty and Father happy, then it will make me happy as well, Mother. I will marry him."

"Wouldn't you at least like to meet him first?"

"But of course I would!"

Grace could see Henry standing in the courtyard as she entered. To her relief, he was quite nice looking, with light brown hair, blue eyes, and a pleasant smile. She was also pleased to see that he was a bit taller than she was.

"My lady." Henry bowed deeply to her, and she curtsied.

For once, Grace was completely tongue-tied. In the presence of the man who would be her husband in less than twenty-four hours, she suddenly couldn't think of a thing to say. As it turned out, she needn't have worried.

"I'm so very pleased to meet you," Henry said. "All of us have been curious for ever so long. Whatever was it like?"

"To what do you refer?"

"Why, to live amongst the commoners for so many years before being restored to your rightful place, of course!"

"We are still the same people that we were before. The changes in our lives have all been circumstantial. The home we live in now is much larger. My father no longer has to work as a weaver of silk and can once again engage in his former pastimes with my uncles, and my mother no longer has to perform drudgery, but we still love God, His true church, Her Majesty, our dear England, and each other, just as we did before. The really important things haven't changed."

Henry looked baffled. Grace hadn't really expected him to understand, but that was perfectly all right.

Her last conversation with her friend Gaston weighed heavily on Grace's mind that night. Gaston, the son of Pierre and Suzanne, had been just like a brother to Grace for her entire life.

"Surely you will come and live with us," Grace had said. "There's plenty of room in our new home for everyone, and it's ever so nice. I know you'd love it there. There's a stream with a rowboat, and stables with horses..." Grace saw that Gaston was shaking his head and stopped talking.

"Your parents practically begged my parents to do just that, but we cannot," Gaston said sadly. "For us to live amongst those of your class would be like a fish leaving the water and attempting to live on dry land. We must stay where we are, for it is where we belong."

"But we're all equal in God's sight!" Grace had protested hotly.

"In God's sight, yes," Gaston had replied softly.

"Gaston, it isn't fair!" Grace had cried. "Your parents and their friends saved my parent's lives! None of us would even be here if it weren't for them!"

"They were happy and honored to have been used as instruments of God in the carrying out of His will. We are all happy for you, that you have finally been reunited with your family, but we must stay here because it's where we belong. That's just the way things are. Please don't feel sad for us, Grace. There's no reason to."

Grace looked at her surroundings, and when she compared them to those of her new dwelling, her heart just broke.

"But I fear I shall never see you again, dear Gaston!"

"That may indeed happen one day, if God wills it."

He had kissed her then, on the lips. It was the first time he had ever done so, the first time any boy ever had. Grace had been startled but delighted. The sensation of his lips against her own had been very pleasurable.

The night before she was to be wed, Grace thought of that kiss and buried her face in her pillow and cried until there were no more tears left.

It was a beautiful wedding. Everyone watched in fascination as Henry and Grace exchanged vows and became husband and wife. Music and dancing followed. The Band of Gentleman Musicians performed; Bartolomeo Taliaferro saw Grace and smiled. She went to him and kissed his cheek, not caring who saw her or what they thought.

Grace saw all her family members and all the members of Henry's extremely large family watching as she and Henry made their way to the center of the throng. There was her father standing with Uncle Ambrose and Uncle Robert, the three of them wearing identical smiles. There was the Queen standing beside Uncle Robert; their hands were touching, but just barely. How curious if Her Majesty were to someday become our aunt as well as our cousin...Her mother and sisters stood beside the Queen, all of them looking very happy.

Grace danced with her father, with Uncle Robert, with her uncle Henry Hastings, who was married to her Aunt Katherine, with her cousins Philip and Robert Sidney, with her own younger brothers, with Henry's father, who was also named Henry, and finally with Henry himself. She noticed the smile that was exchanged between Philip and her sister Temperance. Interesting, that. Matches between first cousins were acceptable, weren't they? Grace was pretty sure they were.

Uncle Ambrose, unable to dance because of his war injury, stood silently watching. Grace curtsied, and he smiled and blew her a kiss. Grace saw Henry's cousin, Lettice Knollys, staring longingly at Uncle Robert, undoubtedly hoping for the opportunity to dance with him. The Queen calmly met Lettice's eyes, and Lettice quickly looked down.

Some day Gaston will marry a Huguenot girl and have a family of his own. Why did that thought make her feel so sad?

Grace forced the thought from her mind and concentrated instead on how lovely the music was, what a good dancer Henry was, and how enraptured everyone looked. With so much happiness abounding, how could Grace help but feel very happy herself?

Jane carefully studied her daughter's face and was immeasurably relieved to see nothing but absolute radiance on it. Grace had looked a bit peaked earlier, and Jane had worried that perhaps she hadn't gotten enough sleep. Ah, well, pre-wedding nervousness is perfectly understandable.

Jane's mind drifted back in time to another wedding eighteen years previously, to a sullen girl sitting beside a stony-faced boy, he smiling slyly at a dancing girl. He hadn't realized that she had seen him, but she had. Yet, given the cold reception he had received from her, who could blame him?

Yet here was Guilford now, right in front of her, smiling broadly and bowing deeply.

"May I have this dance, madame?"

"Oh, of course! Sorry..." Jane shook her head as if to clear it of cobwebs.

"It's quite all right. Of what were you thinking just then that made you look so pensive?"

"Only of what a lovely bride our daughter is, and what a brief time it seems since she was a baby."

"How absolutely right you are on both counts, my dear. Henry adores her; you can see it in his eyes. They haven't been anywhere else but on her the entire time."

Rejoicing that yet another old wound had just finished healing completely, Jane wondered whether anyone would consider her selfish for wanting to dance only with Guilford for the entire time. Yet he was already laughingly passing her to Robert, who spun her around as if she weighed no more than a feather. Robert leaned close to kiss her cheek, and she smelled the wine on his breath.

"I've never seen you looking any lovelier than you do today, my dear sister," Robert whispered. Jane glanced furtively at the Queen, and Elizabeth, dancing with Guilford, smiled warmly at her.

Then it was time to change partners again, and Jane found herself dancing with her brother-in-law Henry Hastings. Glancing beyond Henry, she saw Ambrose standing alone and felt a little sad for him. Quickly, she went to him and hugged him. He returned the hug and kissed her cheek as Robert had. "It's wonderful to see you again, sister Jane," he said in his quiet way.

Much later, the gaity had finally ended, and Guilford and Jane made their way to their sleeping quarters alone. Jane lost her balance and stumbled a little, and Guilford steadied her.

"Sampled the wine a bit, did we?" Guilford grinned saucily at her. Jane drank wine so rarely that it took very little of the substance to make her feel pleasantly giddy.

"You should talk." Jane knew that Guilford had drank at least as much as she herself had, although, of course, his tolerance level was considerably higher than her own.

"What did Robert whisper to you?"

"Only that he thought I looked very lovely today."

"If not for Amy, our father would have had you wed to him instead, as he is older." A look akin to anger flashed in Guilford's eyes for just a second and was gone.

Jane remembered Robert's eyes on her and began to slowly shake her head.

Guilford laughed and pressed his body against hers. He was feeling pleasantly giddy from the wine too. Jane's wandering hand found the bulge in his breeches, and he moaned softly as she touched him there. Within seconds, they were both naked and eagerly exploring one another's bodies as if they themselves were the newlyweds.

"He would have hurt you, in the end," Guilford said softly as they lay cuddling in bed afterwards.

"Whatever are you talking about?"

Jane watched as a cascade of emotions flittered across her husband's face. Never before had she seen him so torn. What he said next seemed to take much effort.

"Amy was found at the bottom of the stairs. Her neck was broken."

Shocked, Jane waited for him to continue.

"He and Her Majesty loved one another. They still do. They had been close in childhood, and then drifted apart. He married Amy. Then Elizabeth became Queen and he became Master of the Horse. Their romance was rekindled. But there was Amy. Her Majesty found out about Amy and...woudn't let him come to her anymore."

"So he...pushed her down the stairs? Or got someone else to?"

"The coroner ruled that it was an accident, thank God. I tell you these things, Jane, because you're bound to hear of them sooner or later, and it's only right that you hear them from me first. My brother has enemies, Jane. Ambrose and I fear greatly for his safety."

"My own brother-in-law is an adulterer and possibly a murderer as well?" The wine, or something else, now seemed to be doing very upleasant things to Jane's stomach, so much so that she wondered where the nearest basin was kept.

"As I said, the coroner ruled that Amy's death was an accident," Guilford said harshly. "I'll thank you not to slander my brother, as many have, and still do."

"But...he and the Queen..."

"He loves her. She's the reason he never remarried after Amy. He's been a widower for almost eleven years, Jane."

"The marriage between Robert and Amy was arranged by your father, as our own was, right?"

"No. It was a love match. They knew one another for almost a year before they wed."

Jane turned away from Guilford, moved as close to the edge of the bed as she could, and curled her body into a tight ball. She held a corner of the sheet, clinched tightly in her fist, to her mouth.

A few seconds later she felt a gentle touch on her shoulder.

"Janie?"

He used the nickname rarely enough that she knew that what was to follow was of special import.

"I'm not him," Guilford said softly. "We were born of the same parents and raised in the same home, but I could never be him." He took Jane's hand and placed it over his own heart. "No other woman shall ever take my love from you, even if she be a queen."

When Guilford released Jane's hand, she returned to her curled position, wondering what in the world had ever possessed her to want her old life back.

"John and Henry are both gone now. There's only me, Robert, and Ambrose left." Guilford's voice held a pleading note, but still Jane said nothing.

After awhile, Guilford lay back down himself and hesitantly reached for Jane, unsure whether or not she was ready to accept the comfort he wanted to offer her. To his relief, she moved to where her back was pressed up against his chest. Guilford loved the fact that when he was curled around her as he was now, the top of her head came up exactly to beneath his chin, placing it in the perfect position for him to kiss it. He couldn't stop wondering what would have become of Jane if the circumstances had been such that she had been forcibly married to Robert rather than to himself. It was a disturbing thought, as Guilford realized that he would have been helpless, unable to protect her. Yet Amy's death had been an accident...of course it had been...

Although Jane fully expected rest to elude her that night, exhaustion from the busy and stressful day, the lingering effects of the wine, the comforting warmth of Guilford's body pressed against hers, and the sweet pressure of his lips against her hair all combined to gently nudge her toward sleep.