Where I Belong

Chapter 2-1

Chapter 2

Once Meg and Joe settled their things into the guest room, Harper made a pot of tea and sat on his green chenille sofa with his sister. Superfluous to the conversation, Joe parked himself on the leather recliner beside the sofa. He watched as Meg sipped her tea and glanced around the room before she started her inquisition into Harper’s life. Soon enough, she spied a familiar guitar sitting on a stand in the corner of the room. “You kept Gramps’ guitar. Do you still sing?”

“Not professionally anymore, but I still perform at Pete’s a couple times a month. I’ve actually got a gig Sunday night. If you’d like, we can have dinner with Pete and Gavin and y’all can come to the bar afterward.” Harper eyed the guitar. No matter how long he went without food or a place to sleep, he refused to sell or pawn his grandfather’s guitar. The 1968 Martin his grandfather taught him to play when he was just six years old had become more than just an instrument to Harper. He remembered feeling so tiny sitting between his grandfather and the full-size instrument as he learned his first chords. The Martin, with its rarity and amazing sound, was worth thousands of dollars to a collector, but when his grandfather died, his grandmother gave Harper the guitar without a thought. She didn’t know how special or valuable the guitar was, she only knew her husband wanted Harper to play that guitar and sing at his funeral, so that’s what happened.

“Sounds fun. We don’t fly out until early Monday. Wait…you performed professionally?”

“When I left Ridgefield, I ended up in Nashville living out of my car and playing on street corners for tips. The manager of one of the bars there heard me play and offered me a room, a job, and the opportunity to perform a couple nights a week. Singing at the Handlebar led to work as a studio session musician and soon I had enough music gigs to not bus tables anymore.”

“Why’d you leave? That’s what you always wanted.”

“I met a singer in a country pop band. When they went to Los Angeles, I went with them.” Harper found himself tearing up as he remembered what came next. “Meg, one day I’ll tell you more, but I’m not ready. I haven’t seen you in ten years. You were a sophomore in high school the last time we were together. Can we get to know each other again before I tell you any more? I’m not sure I’d survive losing you again.”

“Nothing…nothing you say will change how much I love my big brother. You can tell me anything.” Meg peered deeply into Harper’s eyes. “I’m not Dad. My love doesn’t come with conditions.” Harper was startled at the reference to their father. After a beat, Meg continued, “I can wait. You’ll tell me when you’re ready. We’ve already lost too much to dwell on things we can’t change. How did you come to Colorado?”

Harper wondered how he could tell the truth without giving away too much of the ugly part of his story. “I met Pete when I lived in LA. He bounced at a couple of the clubs I worked at and we became friends. When his uncle passed away leaving him the house and bar in Fort Collins, Pete moved here as soon as the estate settled. A few months later, Pete and Gavin sent me a plane ticket to Denver and offered me a job and a new life.”

“Joe found you listed your occupation as ‘writer’ but we didn’t find anything you’d written. I am guessing you have a pen name.”

“I do. I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell anyone. I’ve lost enough. The good people of Ridgefield will run to the nearest reporter and tell them about what that queer writer did if they get a whiff of me having any kind of success in life.”

“First, you did nothing wrong. Second, if you tell me something’s just between us, it will stay that way. Brother-sister confidentiality is as strong as the doctor-patient one.” Meg tossed a cheesy smile at Harper.

“That probably wouldn’t pass a legal challenge, but thank you.” Harper sighed and braced himself. “My pen name is Scott Harper.”

“Oh. My. God. You’re famous. Joe, how did we not figure that out? It’s so obvious. The Echo of Angels was on all the bestsellers lists last year. I read it twice and forced Joe to read it, too. They would declare you Ridgefield’s favorite son and name you mayor or something, if they learned you were Scott Harper.”

“Yeah, and that’s the last thing I want from those homophobic asshats.” Harper closed his eyes as the tears threatened once again. “Okay, brat, it’s my turn to ask you the questions.”

“I am not a brat anymore,” Meg claimed with a false pout. Joe raised an eyebrow and stared at her incredulously. “Okay, maybe I’m still a bit of a brat.”

“I’ve been trying to tame the brattiness since we started dating, but it’s probably hopeless,” Joe mumbled to lighten the mood.

“Meg, seriously, were things okay for you after I left?”

Meg’s face told the story as her composure shattered and the tears fell again. “Nothing was okay after you left. Our family had a big, gaping, Harper-shaped wound in the middle of it. I don’t blame you. You did the only thing you could.”

“I’m sorry. I never wanted that for you. I really hoped everything would go back to normal once I left.” Harper needed the conversation to lighten up. “Let’s get the important stuff out of the way. Who took you to prom?”

Meg sighed and closed her eyes. “Rob Thornton. We dated during junior and senior year. We broke up, sort of, when we went off to college. Rob went to William and Mary undergrad and Duke for law school and I’ve been at UNC the whole time. We’re still close. He’s become a good friend of Joe’s, too. Rob’s working as an ADA in Durham these days and helps out at Tomorrow House pro bono when he can.”

“The Thorntons must have hated that,” Harper commented.

“It was tough at first, but they came around. Rob and I have a lot in common. I can leave you his contact information if you want to reach out to him. He’d love to talk with you and he’ll respect your privacy.”

“Meg. I still have trouble saying Scott’s name out loud. I’m not sure I can do what you want. Not now. Maybe, someday…He was such a good kid. Scott was so proud of him.”

“I’m not saying this to pressure you, but that’s something Rob would like to hear. There are so many things about Scott that only you remember.”

“No way. I can’t do that. I’m overwhelmed having you here with me. The Thorntons aren’t even on my radar.”

Meg frowned and shook her head before letting it go. They continued to talk and they fell into the same easy banter they had as kids. Interwoven memories of their childhoods reminded them all how much had been lost when Harper left Ridgefield. Avoiding the difficult topics for now, over herbal tea in the middle of the night, they rekindled the bonds of love and family missing for so long. At two in the morning, Joe finally forced them to bed for the night.

As the first one up the next morning, Harper showered and threw on a Rockies T-shirt and sweatpants before padding barefoot into the kitchen. He pulled food out of the fridge and pantry to make brunch as they’d slept well past breakfast. As a firefighter and a librarian, their parents worked a lot including weekends. Sunday mornings became a time for Meg and Harper to fend for themselves and the first hot breakfast Harper learned to cook on his own was smiley face pancakes and they were forever Maisy’s favorite. So, that’s what he made for their reunion breakfast along with bacon and fruit salad.

When Joe and Meg stumbled out of the guestroom, Meg only needed a single whiff before she was Maisy again and her big brother was up early, making her breakfast. Over the next few hours, Joe got to watch the woman he loved and her long-lost brother act like the teenagers they were before everything went wrong. They had earned this little respite, but that’s all it was. Meg and Joe hadn’t traveled all the way from North Carolina for a simple family reunion.

After brunch, they sat around the rustic pine farm table with more tea and the spicy molasses cookies Harper loved. Meg chanced a nervous glance at Joe as the tension rose in the room. They’d dodged the conversation about their parents for as long as possible. Harper needed to know, and Meg needed to tell, and until that happened, their anxiety would only continue rising.

Harper rubbed his hands across his face and through his hair to dissipate the dread invading their limited time together. He recognized the emotion building in Meg’s eyes and was already tired of the drama. Harper glanced at Joe for some unspoken advice. Joe nodded slightly, closed his eyes, and sighed. “You need to tell me why you’re here Meg. I’m glad you came, but you’re here for a reason.”

Harper remained stoic as Meg spoke. “This is harder than I imagined. I don’t want to do this. I don’t. But, I don’t have a choice.”

“Tell me,” Harper pleaded weakly.

“Mom and Dad divorced almost six years ago. After you left, Dad started drinking more and it got bad enough that the fire department forced him to retire. He’s working as a fire investigator in Granby now. We tried to get him some help, but he absolutely refused. Mama put her foot down and said either he got sober or she would divorce him. He kept drinking and she kicked him out, much to everyone’s surprise.”

“Oh God…How’s Mama?”

“She’s okay. The first year wasn’t a picnic, but we survived. I moved home for a while to help out, but Mama’s tougher than anyone thought. She’s built a new life for herself. She even has a boyfriend.”

“Mama has a boyfriend?” Harper smiled at the novel idea.

“Yup. Believe it or not, she’s been dating Milo Novak for four years and they’ve been living together for almost three.”

“She’s dating my high school music teacher? I always assumed he was gay, but apparently not.” Harper rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. Gaydar was not one of his superpowers.

“They are sweet together. Mama deserves a lot of sweetness after being married to Dad for so long, and Milo takes good care of her.” Meg tried to keep the sadness from her eyes while Joe silently urged her to finish the rest. Meg shook her head. Frustration flared, but Joe remained silent.

“Joe?” Harper wanted to know what Joe knew.

“Tell him the rest, Meg. We don’t have time to waste,” Joe replied to Meg instead of Harper.

“Tell me. Please. Why does Milo need to take care of Mama?” Harper looked from Joe to Meg.

“Dammit. I hoped you’d missed that. Harper, Mama has an invasive form of breast cancer. The chemo and radiation slowed it down, but nothing has stopped it completely. She’s following a promising experimental protocol, but she has small metastases in her liver. The new treatments will hopefully extend her life, but…Anyway, Mama asked Joe to find you. She wants you to come home, even if it’s only for a visit.”

“I won’t. I can’t.” Harper’s whole body shook with terror at the thought of returning to Ridgefield. “Oh Mama…Mama…Don’t. Don’t make me do this, please…” Harper couldn’t catch his breath as a panic attack took over. Meg pulled him into her arms and murmured reassurances to him as he soothed himself.

“Breathe with me, honey. Nothing needs to be decided right now. We’ll talk more tomorrow. The doctors are saying we have at least six months and there is a good chance she’ll go into remission with the new treatment. Mama just wants you to come home while she’s able to enjoy it.”

“Why on earth would she want me there? The whole town believes I’m a monster. Going back there will only drag up things no one wants to remember. Mama will never accept who I am. She’s like Dad, only without the hitting. None of that goes away because she might be dying.”

Joe stepped in and sat on the sofa and put a hand on Harper’s shoulder. “Man, I won’t say I understand how you feel, but that doesn’t sound much like the Charlotte I know.”

“Harper, think back, long and hard. Did Mama say or do any of those bigoted, homophobic things or did she just sit there while Dad said them?”

“I can’t remember exactly what she said, but I know for damn sure she never uttered a single word against the s**t Dad hurled at me.” Harper sat rigidly and glared at his sister. Charlotte Ellison wasn’t an innocent pawn and nothing Meg said was going to change that.

“Harper, honey, just relax and stew on it for a while. I don’t expect you to give me an answer. Now, can we go for a walk and enjoy these beautiful mountains for a few hours?” Meg smiled weakly and gestured at the amazing view from the great room windows.

The trio spent the afternoon enjoying the outdoors along a small part of the Blue Sky Trail. Not being used to the altitude, Meg and Joe tired pretty quickly, but they enjoyed the physical activity anyway. They picked up pizza and salad on the way home and ate in front of the television, watching old movies. Harper paid absolutely no attention to Harry or Sally while he curled up on his chair with the small handmade quilt he bought at the farmer’s market thrown over his legs. He needed to process everything he learned and accept the fact that his mother might well be dying. How could he not reconcile with her while he had a chance? Still, the idea of facing his father and the people back home left him on the verge of another panic attack. The irony that Ridgefield was still home, no matter how far he ran, was not lost on him.

When Harper finally slept, the nightmares came. They had been a constant presence in his life before he moved to Colorado, but they became sporadic and much less traumatic since. Birthdays and anniversaries always brought them out, but they were manageable. These, however, were as violent and disturbing as they had ever been. By five the next morning, he couldn’t stay in bed another minute, so he yanked on his running clothes, strapped his phone to his arm, and set off on a long punishing run. Mercifully, Harper found a little relief in the meditation of methodically taking stride after stride.

Two hours later Harper remained uncertain about what he wanted to do, but he felt better nonetheless. His mind cleared as the endorphins flooded his body and he regained a little emotional stability. Meg was right, some wounds never heal. They scab over a little until something pokes at them. The night he came out to his parents, well more accurately, the night Coach Robinson outed them in a spectacular cluster-f**k of horror, was a topic he avoided most of the time. The memory wasn’t any less agonizing a decade later.

His father ranted and raved forever it seemed.

“My son is not a faggot.”

“You will not embarrass this family by being a pansy-ass whore.”

“You are an abomination in the sight of God.”

That was a favorite, considering they hadn’t been to church beyond Christmas and Mother’s Day in his entire life.

“You will stop this homosexual perversion right now if you expect me to pay for college next year.”

Harper turned that night over and over in his head and he honestly couldn’t remember his mother saying a single word to him that night or for weeks afterward. He didn’t know what to think about that.

Later, Meg, Joe, and Harper joined Pete and Gavin for dinner at one of their favorite restaurants. The owner was a friend who always seated them in a cozy alcove away from most of the bustle of the busy restaurant. After quickly updating Pete and Gavin on what Meg told him, they discussed Harper’s options. As the conversation curled around him, Harper sat back and studied the people at the table. In a stark epiphany, he realized these four people were his true family. They’d support whatever decision he settled on, even if it made their own lives more difficult. Slowly, the steel bands binding Harper’s chest loosened a little and he could breathe for the first time since Meg and Joe turned up at the bar.

Before dessert, Meg and Gavin stepped out to use the restroom and Pete used the opportunity to check in with Harper. “You okay, dude? This is an awful lot of s**t to digest at once.”

“I’m okay, I guess. It sucks, but we always knew I couldn’t run forever.” Harper scrubbed his face with his hands, hoping to stave off the emotions threatening once again.

Pete reached across the table and squeezed Harper’s forearm. “You know Gavin and I are here for you, no matter what you decide. We want you to be happy. You deserve so much more than being just okay. If you decide to go, we want to go with you. You don’t need to do this alone.”

“I love you for the offer, Pete. I do. Assuming I go, and that’s a huge assumption right now, I’m gonna need to do this by myself at least for a little while. But, man, I might need you to scoop up the pieces when it all goes wrong.”

“Whatever you need, man. Always.” Pete’s eyes softened.

Harper may have run from North Carolina but his heart never left Ridgefield. It was buried six feet deep just a few miles from the house where he grew up. No one who heard Harper sing would ever understand why he hadn’t become the superstar singer/songwriter he’d seemed destined to be. He had his reasons, but they were his own.

Now he had to chance to chase Scott’s dream of being a writer instead. So many years later, it was still more important to Harper that Scott’s dreams come true, even if Scott wasn’t able to appreciate it. But in truth, Scott never cared much about his own dreams; he loved Harper and the only thing that ever mattered to him was Harper’s happiness.

They arrived at Pete’s a half-hour before Harper was scheduled to play. The two couples settled at a table near the front of the stage for a few minutes before Harper went off to warm up and get himself ready to perform.

Pete bristled at Meg and Joe’s split loyalties and an inexorable undercurrent of tension rose at the table. Unable to listen to the small talk anymore, Pete needed to speak up. “Meg, I’m probably out of line, but I need to say this. Harper has never recovered from what happened. He’s still the brokenhearted kid who set off for the unknown before he graduated high school. He hasn’t let one iota of his grief and guilt go. We’ve encouraged him to get professional help, but he says he’s fine. He’s a f*****g genius at pretending to be fine, but he’s not. Not really. Please understand, Harper is every bit as much my brother as he is yours. Tread carefully. We almost lost him once. I don’t know what will happen if he goes back to that place and I don’t mean Ridgefield.”

Joe leaned forward to respond. “This isn’t easy for any of us, but it might be the one thing he needs to let himself heal.”

“I know, but you need to be careful. Pay close attention to his music and listen. He can’t hide it when he sings.”

“Pete, Gavin, thank you for caring for my brother. I’m guessing there were times you were all that stood between him and the abyss. But Harper needs to find peace with himself and our family, even if it doesn’t turn out the way anyone wants. He needs ‘closure’ to use a crappy cliché, and he’ll never get it by staying away. Trust me when I tell you we will do everything we can to help him through this.”

“He’s good at covering up his pain. One day he’ll tell you everything, but you need to be patient.”

Meg nodded as the stage lights came up. “I’ve waited ten years, I’m good for now.”

Dressed in slim black jeans and a pale gray dress shirt that brought out the ocean blue of his eyes, Harper was magnetic. Not a single soul in the overstuffed bar turned away from the beautiful man as his clear voice and slight Carolina twang kept everyone captivated. Mixing covers from a lot of genres with some of his own original songs, Harper entertained with his simple spartan style and his deep emotional connection to each song. He’d drawn a crowd, as he always did, but Harper barely noticed. He played his grandfather’s guitar and sang for an audience of four that night.

A third of the way through the performance, Harper played a nearly a cappella cover of REM’s “Everybody Hurts” that left the audience wrecked. Heartbreak Harper buried in his daily life was palpable and there were few unaffected by the time the song ended. The show came to a stop again for his final scheduled song of the evening. He finished his set with the same song every time he played. “I Believe,” originally by Diamond Rio, always brought the house down. That night was no different.

As usual, the audience demanded an encore. Harper glanced at Meg and paused before introducing the song. “I’ve never sung this one for y’all before. It’ll carry special meaning for well…you know who you are.” He launched into a country/folk rendition of Ozzy Ozborne’s classic “Mama, I’m Coming Home.” The message was unambiguously received.

Meg cried openly as he finished the stunning guitar solo. Once Harper arrived at the table, he studied Meg’s red eyes and tear stained face before she launched herself into his arms. “That was amazing. I don’t…I just…Thank you. Mama will be so happy. We’ve missed you so much.”

Joe hugged Harper next. “Thank you, man. That wasn’t easy.”

“The song popped into my head for the encore and I knew. I can always sing about the things I can’t say any other way.”