Long lost Luna

Escalations and Resolutions

Kate’s POV:

I woke up this morning feeling like I got hit by a freight train. My throats sore, my whole body aches, I have a cough that I already know is only going to get worse. But even worse than being sick is I already know how today’s going to go. Nick is off today, and if this was a normal relationship I’d probably be relieved by that, knowing that there would be someone home to help. However, I do not have a normal relationship and the last time I was sick he screamed at me 3 separate times in one day because he didn’t want to watch our kids. Even if I try to act normal, he’s going to see that I don’t feel well and insist that I rest, only to yell at me later on. But that’s exactly what I need to do if I have any hope, pretend I’m fine.

I slowly make my way to the kitchen, I take some DayQuil and a decongestant, then I brew some strong coffee. I was planning to take a hot shower but that plan was quickly derailed when I hear my 1 year old, Sara, start fussing. Instead, I go to pick her up and start making a bottle.

— — —

It’s now 1pm and sure enough Nick is berating me for the second time today. I can’t take it anymore. I run into our master bedroom and lock the door. Really it’s futile, I know he will just get a butter knife and unlock the door anyways, but I need space. I can’t breathe. I run into the walk in closet and curl up on the floor crying. The space I created doesn’t last long. Sure enough, I hear the bedroom door open, followed by the closet door yanking open, I’m faced away from the door but I can feel Nick towering over me in the doorway. Back out in the living room I can hear the girls screaming. They hate when we fight and I feel guilty for putting them through this. Sometimes I regret having them, not because I don’t love them, but because they deserve better and I’m too weak to get them away from all this.

“You’re a terrible mother! Do you not hear them screaming?! They’re terrified because you’re scaring them with all this screaming and crying you’re doing” Nick starts in again.

“Stop! Red Light! I need space!” I yell at him. Panic is only getting worse and I know exactly where this fight is headed. But it’s futile. He doesn’t listen even when I use his stupid code word.

“No! You don’t care about anyone but yourself! Why are you ignoring me again?! I hate you!” He continues to scream.

And there it is. The snap. I can’t take it anymore. I need to get away from this. I can’t listen to this anymore. It makes me want to die. I need a cigarette and something strong to numb the pain in my heart. I don’t care that he’s in the way. I don’t care that he’s trying to intimidate me by blocking my exit and towering over me like he is. My logical brain has turned off. I know exactly how this will go, but I can’t stop it. I stand up and with a surge of adrenaline I shove him hard. I see the change in his face when he decides he’s pissed that I’ve put my hands on him. And the next second my heart stops with fear as a strong arm wraps around my throat and yanks me to him. He’s got me in a headlock again. His signature move when our fights get physical. He’s not cutting off my airway but I’m trapped and terrified, my breaths are coming in short and aren’t effective. I feel like I can’t breathe anyways. I’m struggling to get out of his grip but he pulls me to the ground. I’m flailing my arms and legs searching to hit any part of his body to get him to let me go. Thrashing my head around trying to get an angle where I can bite his arm around my throat. I’m not thinking, I’m panicking, I need out and away.

Finally my fist connects with his side and he loosens enough that I break free. I need him to not follow me and I’m angry so I turn around to him and I kick him hard in the chest. He falls back and his upper back hits our bed frame. I run away and catch my breath. Now I can hear him crying where I left him. Saying I really hurt his back. I still feel trapped. Not physically but I cant escape. If I leave the house he will threaten me, and threaten to take the girls away from me. I suddenly turn around and I yell at him while he’s laying on the floor.

“If you want to call the cops on me for hurting you, then do it. At least if I go to jail I’ll be free of you. So call them! I don’t care anymore!”

“You really hurt me this time! You’re a monster! You need to get your anger under control! What happens when the kids grow and test you and push you, will you hurt them too?!” Nick screams back at me. It’s a low blow and he knows it. I would never hurt my children and he knows it. He knows that my worst fear is being anything like either of my parents.

I don’t know what comes over me but I have a sudden resolve. I will not sit here and take this anymore. I’m going to leave him. Consequences be damned. Today is Monday, Nick goes back to work tomorrow. So tomorrow morning when I get off work, I will go meet with a lawyer for a free consultation and hopefully come up with a plan, or rather, hopefully the lawyer agrees with my plan. As of right now, I’m going to be taking my girls and myself to the DV shelter in town on Wednesday. I decide I will also message the DV chat line again tonight while I’m at work. It’s not going to be easy but I refuse to let my kids grow up in the same environment I did, and I’ve given Nick a million and one “second chances” to treat me better. It’s time to stop accepting others poor treatment. After this I’m done with romantic relationships. I’m a strong, independent, woman.

I have to be careful until I actually leave. If I tell him I’m leaving he will find a way to manipulate me into staying. He’ll threaten to cut himself or kill himself or he’ll threaten to take the kids away from me. Rationally I know he won’t actually kill himself and rationally I know that even if he wanted to take our kids away from me, he’d never be able to do it on his own. He can’t watch them for longer than an hour without freaking out because they’re crying or fussing and dare to have basic baby and toddler needs. Honestly between that and financial strain, I’d feel as though that’s the real reason he’s staying with me. He can shout from the rooftops that he loves me, but his actions consistently tell a different story.

I’ve made myself promises before that I would leave him. Told my friends so many times they don’t believe me anymore. This time though, this time I know in my bones I won’t be coming back. I have the same calm, ice composure that I did when I finally decided to leave my 1st failed marriage. This is it. Time to free myself.

In the meantime I need to buy time and stop the current argument so I turn to my old tactics I used to use with my narcissistic mother. Self deprecation, taking full blame, over apologize, stroke his ego. This fight needs to stop before I can continue with my plan.