I remember thinking about my shoes.
That sounds strange, I know. But that’s what my mind was . The sole was peeling slightly at the heel, and I made a note to myself that I would need to glue it before my next shift. I was tired in the way that sinks into your bones , the kind of tired that makes your thoughts slow and your body feel heavier than it should .
The street was quieter than usual.
Not empty. Just hollow. Like the city stopped breathing for a while
I wrapped my coat tighter around myself and walked faster. My second job had ended late, and I hated being out at that hour. My father always worried, even when he pretended he didn’t . I could already picture him sitting in the dark, waiting for the me to open the door.
Just a few more blocks, I whispered to myself.
Then I heard them.
Laughter.
At first I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want to give it meaning . Men laughed. People drank. This was New York. I had learned to keep my head down and mined my business.
But the laughter got louder.
Closer.
Something in my tightened, a warning I had learned to listen to but often ignored because fear was inconvenient . I tried to ignore it again.
I shouldn’t have.
“Hey.”
I kept walking.
“Hey, wait.”
My heart started pounding so hard I could feel it in my throat. My steps quickened.I could hear more than one set of footsteps now . Uneven. Sloppy . Drunk.
I told myself not to panic.
Then someone grabbed my arm.
Not gently. Not accidentally.
My body reacted before my mind did. I jerked away and turned around , my breath coming sharp and uneven
“Don’t touch me,” I said.
My voice didn’t sound like my own. It sounded thin. Small
They laughed.
That was the moment I knew something was wrong, not just wrong , but dangerous. There was something about the way they looked at me. Like my fear entertained them. Like it made me less human in their eyes.
I tried to step past them.
A hand blocked me.
‘Relax,” one of them said. “We’re just talking.”
“I don’t want to talk,” I said. “Please.”
Please.
I hated that word as it left my mouth.
Someone shoved me. My back hit the wall behind me hard enough to knock the breath out of my lungs. For a second , everything went white. My ears rang. I tasted something metallic.
‘No,” I said. “No,no,no , please.”
My hands were shaking so badly I couldn’t control them . I tried to push , to hit to move, but there were too many of them. Arms everywhere . Too close . No space to breathe.
Then he stepped forward.
I didn’t know his name. I didn’t know who he was, never seen his face before but the look in his eyes was cold , amused , decided.
I remember thinking, this cant be happening to me.
I remember thinking about my father.
I remember thinking about unfair it was.
When he forced himself on me, something inside me broke, not loudly,not dramatically. Quietly, like a thread snapping.
I screamed at first. Or maybe I thought I screamed. I don’t know. The sound felt far away , like it belonged to someone else. I begged . I cried. I said no over and over until the world lost its meaning.
And then my mind left.
That’s the only way I can explain it.
I was there , but I wasn’t there . I stared at the wall beside me and focused on a c***k running through he paint . I counted my breaths . I counted the seconds as he thrust in and out of me. I told myself to survive. Just survive.
My body felt heavy. Not mine. Like it had turned into something I no longer controlled.
I felt pain. I felt humiliation . I felt myself didsappering.
I remember the laughter more than anything else.
When it finally stopped , I didn’t understand right away.
Then was sudden emptiness. Space where bodies had been . Cold rushing in back. Their footsteps fading. Someone said something I don’t remember what I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the ground.
I couldn’t move.
I stared at my hands. They wee shaking , but they didn’t feel feel connected to me.My clothes were torn. My skin burned. I felt exposed in a way that had something to do with my body.
I wanted to disappear.
Eventually, I stood up.
I don’t remember deciding to. I just did.
The walk home felt unreal, like I was moving through water. Cars passed. People laughed in the distance. They city living . completely unaware that something inside me had died.
When I reached our apartment door, my legs finally out.
My father opened door.
The look on his face, broke me.
I collapsed into his arms, and everything I had been holding back spilled out. The fear. The shame. The pain . The words I didn’t want to say.
And as he held , shaking and bleeding and broken , I knew one thing with terrifying clarity
My life would never be the same again.