Changing With Autumn

Chapter 15

    Waking up the next day I was completely exhausted. The sun was blaring through my windows causing my head to hurt and my eyes to struggle trying to open. I had forgotten to close my curtains last night when I came rushing in trying to escape my parents. I called it when I told Jake that my dad was probably standing behind the door waiting. Him and my mom had heard the car pull up and had rushed to the door ready to pounce. 

     I walked in and was assaulted with questions from them both. My mom wanted all of the “juicy details,” which earned her an annoyed look from my dad when she said it, and my dad wanted to know if he could “turn the pretty boy not so pretty anymore.” I tried to be as vague as possible so I could just get away. I really couldn’t deal with the interrogations when I couldn’t even handle my own thoughts swirling through my head. 

    It felt like I had literally just tossed and turned all night long. The whole situation between me and Jake on repeat in my mind, but the kiss is what had me stuck. No matter how reluctant I was in the beginning and how much I hated saying it out loud, I liked Jake, I really did. He turned out to be entirely different than what I initially thought him to be, he was fun to be around and he was nice to talk to. He was someone that could pull me out of my bubble almost as much as Erika did. Even though Jake was the introverted type like me, him and Erika were very similar in their personalities as well, mainly in where their personalities were contagious and people were just drawn to them.  

    Unfortunately for me, I got sucked into that as well. He was cute and I knew that from the very start, but more than that we had so much in common. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I would get shy and turned into some dumb giggly girl around him, but something just didn’t feel right. Even the night we first met, I thought he was attractive and he captured my attention, but him being cute wasn’t enough to hold my attention. If it wasn’t for the fact that he had to take me home that night he would have just been some guy at the party that was easy on the eyes as they slowly swept by.  

    I seriously couldn’t stand him that night and just the thought of him watching the other girls at the party still made me cringe. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was so persistent and adamant on taking me home, it would have been the end to all of it with no second thoughts, but he was persistent. He did take me home, he did weasel his way into texting me, he did end up changing my mind about the boy I met that night at the party, and now there were second thoughts.  

    He was good to me and he accepted me without looking at me like I’m some kind of freak. He looked past it and wanted to get to know me. He actually liked me, but the kiss. I mean, I’m not one for mushy gushy crap, and I’m realistic enough to know that sparks don’t literally fly, but shouldn’t there have been something? It was my first kiss, I’m pretty sure I should have felt at least a small amount of attraction or a spark or something. If not that then at least I’m pretty sure the first thought that ran through my head shouldn’t have been “What the Hell.”  

    Maybe it was just because it was unexpected, maybe it didn’t feel right because there wasn’t the tension of a build up to it. That kind of thing happens right? Couples kiss each other all the time, there’s no way that each one of those kisses feel sparks right? There’s absolutely no way that a couple can be together for years and years kissing each other over and over and sparks still fly like it's the first kiss. I call bull on anyone that says it’s true. It’s gotta be something as simple as just the build up and anticipation of it all that causes the added emotions. 

    I had these back and forth thoughts all night long, drifting in and out of sleep, unable to get past that kiss. I kept trying to convince myself of the logic of it all, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t fight through the reality of the emotions that I was feeling. I like him, but didn’t feel a spark. He’s attractive, but the kiss held absolutely nothing. He’s good for me, but it’s not fair to him if I don’t feel that way back. We could just be friends right? I mean a clean and easy break didn’t exactly have to mean that we just can’t talk to each other any more did it? I didn’t have many friends in my life, and I really didn’t want to lose him altogether. 

    Ugh…. the frustration of it all was seriously killing me and it was early, early morning hours when I finally passed out from total exhaustion, but that exhaustion still didn’t stop the dreams of a really nasty break with Jake and an enchanting set of almost black eyes watching from the corner. The problem with waking up this morning was the feeling of loss after leaving the dream. What was confusing was that it wasn’t the loss of the inevitable break up with Jake, somehow during my dreaming there was the realization that the kiss was the final nail in the coffin for me.  

    The feeling of loss came from waking up and not being able to feel those eyes on me anymore. Eyes that I could see clearly in my mind as if I had been looking at them every day for my entire life, but for some reason in my sleep grogged state I couldn’t place who they belonged to. I knew those eyes, I knew that I longed for them to stay focused on me and I so desperately wanted to feel myself lost in them again.  

    Groaning, I glared at the sun for disturbing my much needed sleep and stealing away the most beautiful sight my sleeping eyes had ever seen and I forced myself to roll over and grab my phone from my bedside table to look at the time. I was appalled when the time read 8:23 A.M. and I grunted at the phone in my hand, thinking who wakes up at this ungodly hour on a non-school day? Unlocking the screen I see that there are two message threads waiting to be opened, one from Erika and one from Jake.  

    I decided to open Jake’s thread first and read his “Good morning beautiful ;)" message he wrote to me at 6:30 this morning. First of all, what the Hell is this guy doing awake at 6:30 in the morning? Secondly, why the Hell did he think I would want to text him at 6:30 in the morning? Lastly, if the kiss wasn't the last nail in the coffin for me, the fact that he was blowing up my phone at ungodly times might have been the thing that had done it. This girl likes her sleep and if someone isn’t dead or dying, then this girl is staying asleep.  

    I opted against texting Jake back just yet. I needed to give myself a little more time to figure out how to break the news to him. I didn’t want to take things any further with him, but I didn’t want to lose him as my friend either. It may sound selfish, and who knows, it might be, but I didn’t want to make this any worse on either one of us so I had to find the right way to do it. Plus, apparently I’m a coward because I chickened out of having that conversation with him faster than someone being dared to smack a bear. I couldn’t do it; not yet. 

    So, instead I took the sissy route and opened the message from Erika who must have felt a disturbance in the friendship force because eerily, as if she knew I needed to talk to someone about all of this, her message read “Willow, my beautiful bi-otch. I know you're getting that beauty rest right now, but I need to talk to you. As soon as you get a chance please call me.”  Woohoo I thought, my friendship duty calls and she needs me right now. I couldn’t help but praise whoever had my back on that one and gave me a valid reason to put off texting Jake. I mean I could still have texted him back first, but nah! Sorry Jake you’re gonna have to wait cause my sista from anotha mista needs me.