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Chapter 15

My tears was like rain on soft wet earth.

I couldn't stop. I didn't stop.

I couldn't hold in the tears anymore.

My chest was rising and falling with every sob. My shoulders were shaking and my fingers couldn't leave my lips. My wet lips. My knees were getting sore from kneeling on the ground too much. I couldn't take this anymore. If I had known about all of this,

Then I wouldn't have gotten that letter.

I look at my red sore eyes in the mirror. I'm depressed. I don't try to hide it.

I need to die.

I open my drawer and take my pocket knife out .I carry my pocket knife everywhere. Not because it's handy or can be a good weapon in case of burglary. I carry a pocket knife because it would be my safe exit out of this world.

When I want to die.

Which is now.

I know Hailey's face is petrified and painted with horror. I couldn't look at her .All the 16 and a half years of my life, I 've been through pain and nothing but pain. I held in the extra tears that have always wanted to come out. The extra tears that are laced with blood and agony. I would hold my lips and close my eyes and think of reasons to stop crying. Reasons that didn't exist.

Reasons that never came.

If I die, all the pain would be gone. I wouldn't need to smuggle some heroine or molly anymore.

Yes ,I'm on drugs. My life doesn't matter so why keep it safe?.

The door creaks open and I hear a low gasp.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Brennon.

He's on me now. We're on the floor. My knife hand is outstretched and way away from him. I'm trying to stretch it out more. Nothing, absolutely nothing ,should stop me now. I've waited for too long. I need to leave, right now. I turn on my stomach as Brennon works his free hand up to my knife hand.

I'm so close to slitting my left wrist.

I've gone this far. I've reached the end. This is it.

But an imaginary force is stopping me.

I'm still crying.

Should I go?. Should I not go?. Yes, I'm going.

I go in for the kill but Brennon shifts my hand forward. The knife goes on my palm instead. The sight of blood terrifies me. I keep quiet for a long time. Brennon does too. We analyze the situation, the outcome and why it happened. I break the silence.

By laughing. And crying.

It's not a happy laugh.

I ignore the blood trickling from my palm while Brennon gets the first aid kit. I'm still laughing. I'm laughing at how close I was to dying. I'm laughing at how my aim was terribly wrong. I'm laughing at how Brennon was fighting for MY life. I am laughing at how close I was to being on a Hospital bed with my life on the line. I'm crying because My mom would be so devastated when I die. I'm crying because if I die, I would never uncover the full secret about Elodie and Jaxtyn. I'm crying I wouldn't get the chance to love and start a family if I died.

I'm laughing because I'm sad.