Reigning 'our Girls' Part 1

Amaya

Chapter 8

The unusual scene unfolded. The girl is accompanied by two people. Ok, I think to myself, this is rather odd. I expect them to leave but they don't. They sit down. Maybe they're doctors I wonder to myself.

"Hi everyone, my name is Daniel, I received your file this morning Amaya, I have briefly looked through some of the notes, how can I help you today?"

Nothing, not a word, just silence. I can tell she wants to talk but just doesn’t.

"Sorry I didn't catch your names, you are?" I ask the two people who brought her in.

"Hi Doctor, we are Sandra and David, Amaya’s parents"

"Oh OK, is Amaya able to communicate or are you here communicating for her? It says here she is 21 years old, is that correct?”

"Yes Doctor, that's correct, she's 21 and she can talk, of course, she can."

"Sorry if this sounds rude but why are you here with her?"

"Because we are her parents, doctor"

"Right but this is a very private time for Amaya, it's better she be here with me so she can talk freely and privately. You may both take a seat in the waiting room. If you don't mind, thank you."

"We'd rather not."

I look at Amaya and I can see pleading eyes staring at me, I reassure her with a smile.

"I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, I insist. Thank you."

I stand and usher them out of the door, noting the sheer look of disgust on their faces as I do.

"Well, that was interesting. Is this a thing you're dealing with a lot of Amaya?" I ask her, smiling, hoping she will talk to me now.

"Non-stop Dr. Rodriguez," she says.

"Honestly, please call me Daniel," I reply, smiling. She is strikingly beautiful, and her voice is almost angelic.

"So how can I help you today?"

"You can't, no one can doc, I mean Daniel."

"Try me, you just never know."

"I want to die, can you help me with that?" she says, in a matter of a fact way.

"Maybe. Stranger things have happened, although dying is a bit drastic. You do know you 'surviving' was a miracle in itself, I'm sure?" I smile

"I wish I hadn't, look at me. I was an athlete, a college student, I had a life. Now? Now I'm this, part brain, part wheels, and might as well be a baby again. And my parents? I love them, but I can't do this s**t, what is there to live for, exactly?"

"Lots Amaya, lots. I know it looks grim now but that's because this is all new. Soon, with the right interventions you won't think that way, you just need to learn a new way to live. Like, for example, living with your parents - you don't have to, you can live independently with the right help and resources"

"Will never happen, they won't allow it, my parents were so controlling even before the accident," she explained.

"Actually Amaya, it's not up to them, you're 21 years old, it's up to you, I have a colleague here that can help you, he's an Occupational Therapist, may I invite him to join us?"

I hope she'll say yes. I need this girl to know that life can be so different for her, her parents are a huge part of her problem. There are many other factors, but something tells me this could be the main trigger for her. She agreed to meet with Michael. I decided to make this a 2-hour session as my last appointment is cancelled anyway. Michael is only free in an hour; I need to keep this girl talking before she shuts down on me again and I know as soon as she's back with her parents that is exactly what will happen. I ask her if she can stay longer, and she says yes as she is keen to meet Michael and hear the advice he gives. I ask Matt to send her parents out and explain she's seeing another therapist after this. It’s not easy but he manages to get them out for a bit. They were trying to eavesdrop at the door, Matt says.

"Amaya, I have sent your parents away for the next hour and a half so we should really use this time to talk, like really talk, I really want to help you as best I can"

"Thanks, I feel like I can breathe a bit now," she says.

"Are they always on top of you like this, do you have any services helping you?"

"Every person that comes to help they get rid of them, my mum insists on doing everything even bathing me, I'd rather the nurses but she won't let them, even my dad, I just can't take it"

"Your dad, what do you mean your dad?" I quiz

"When my mum is away or asleep, she leaves him to take care of me - baths, toilet, pads. He says I'm his daughter, so it doesn't matter, but it does to me. He doesn't do anything inappropriate, but I just don't want this, I don't want my parents doing this. I was ok at the hospital but now that I'm home, I just can't!"

"OK I get that. So, what level of care do you need right now? Explain it to me, so I can understand better."

"I have no feeling from my hips down, none. It’s gone and I have some, but very limited feeling in my upper body from the ribs down." she explains.

"OK, so why are you in this chair, can you use a modified chair, would your arms be able to do that?" I ask

"The hospital mentioned it, but my mother said they changed their mind, but I can't see how."

"OK we can chat with your doctors and find that out with your permission of course,"

"Absolutely, you can ask them anything," she agrees

"And your care needs, explain them to me."

"It's so embarrassing, I hate talking about this," she cries.

I give her time to cry and process things, she's so overwhelmed, I'm not sure how much I’ll be able to get from her today, it’s all still so raw but I'm very worried about her suicidal thoughts.

"Amaya, this is a safe place, anything you tell me I've heard before. I deal a lot with people with severe injuries, that's why you were referred here from the hospital, but there is a woman psychotherapist here next week. If you'd like, I can arrange for you to see her. All I want is for you to get the help that's right for you."

"It's not that, it's just I feel like I'm useless, who will ever love me? You know, my boyfriend left six weeks after the injury, as soon as it was clarified that I'd never walk again and all the problems I'm gonna have for the rest of my life, he was gone. He won't even answer my phone calls anymore, I can't even blame him."

"Is that what you fear the most, never finding love again?"

"Never finding love, never having kids, a job, being babied by my parents, everything, isn't that a rational fear? Cause it's a fact!"

"It's not a fact at all Amaya, nowhere near a fact, you just can't see that right now, it's still so new that you don't know there is a way to live with this, you can't see past the negatives and that's ok right now, but at least look into what could be and what you could have before you dismiss it completely."

"Like what exactly, seriously tell me, what life can I have? Do you know I can't feed myself, my arms have limited movement, I can't dress, I can't go to the toilet by myself, I have to wear pads and I have so many accidents? I can't drive, I can't wash, do my hair, brush my teeth. So, tell me what life I can have?"

"OK I get that, but there are personal care assistants, there are special housing complexes that cater to your needs, or a live-in centre where you can be semi-independent while having your personal needs taken care of, my colleague will be able to advise you better on that but at least try to claim your life back, live, ok yes differently but in a better mindset"

"You don't get it, I'll never have s*x, ever, never have children, never be kissed again, never be touched, hell I can't even masturbate! Have you any idea what that's like, to need something you will never have again? I'm 21 years old and I've only had 1 boyfriend and we never even had s*x, only fooled around, do you have any idea what that feels like?"

"No honestly, no I don’t, and I totally see where you're coming from. If I thought those things, I'd be depressed, what's the point in denying that? But it's simply not true. You will meet someone, you will have s*x, you will have intimacy, you will. There is no reason why you can't. It will be different than you always dreamt of, yes of course but it will happen."

"Daniel, I don't even know if I can have orgasms, how can I even find out? And children, come on, we know that's never happening, seriously. I know you think I'm not thinking straight, but really, I've thought long and hard about these things. I've asked a million questions, I have no answers to those questions, I wish I had died. I'm not cut out for this. I get it, that people do go on to learn to live with this, but I just don't want to, why do people find that so hard to understand? There is a clinic that can assist me with what I really want, but no one cares what I want!" she breaks down, crying as I've never seen someone cry before, emotionally drained, feeling hopeless, she genuinely wants to die.

This is probably one of the toughest cases I've ever had, it's killing me, I have so much respect for her, she truly has questioned things and still wants to die. I'm fighting back tears of my own here.