A Lone Wolf

rogue

I laid under the tree in the park opposite my home, tired from tonight's hunt. It had been a good night, I'd fed well and was busily cleaning my paws and muzzle. My clothes sat neatly folded in their bag, waiting for me to eradicate all traces of deer blood; Nancy was frightened last time I hunted and she'd caught me on the way to the shower. I never intended her to see that.

I had palmed her off with a nosebleed story but she had frowned even though she didn't ask any more.

She didn't know. I shook out my shaggy grey coat and looked up at the moon. I suppose I should broach the subject soon but the fact is that I didn't trust Asa near my daughter. He was unpredictable, vicious and capricious.

My wolf was part of me but he had shielded me from a lot growing up, arriving at 13 rather than 18 and it had made him unstable, wild.

Nancy's mother had not been my fated though she had seemed sweet enough at first, if a little bit inept.

She already had a daughter and I felt the need to protect her from the vagueness and irresponsibility of her mother who, in time, had turned out to be the human version of a migraine.

Asa loathed her and frequently pushed to dominate her or rid ourselves of her.

She would come home smelling like other men, not knowing that my senses were sharper than her dull human ones. I had wanted to leave her finally when she announced she was pregnant.

I had long since given up waiting for my fated, I was nearly forty so I stayed.

Asa seemed fond of our pup and even softened to her mother until the day we argued and she left. Just left. Walked out the door in front of her daughter and never returned.

Since then, Asa had gotten increasingly restless and impatient with Nancy, I had to remind him constantly that she was our pup but he resented that her mother wasn't our fated.

"We don't even know she's our pup" Asa growled. I sighed. It was true I had not requested a paternity test but as far as I was concerned, she was mine, my constant. Neither of us had anyone else so we clung together.

Asa wanted to take her to her mother so we could search for our mate but I refused. I wouldn't leave her where she was unwanted, I knew the damage that did from my own childhood.

I frowned to myself. She was as isolated as I was, no parties or sleepovers for her; the playground mums keeping their distance.

I don't know why, I was a friendly, chatty person.

Asa snorted " you're as unpredictable as I am," he sneered, "they smell the alcohol on you, the stale weed, they see you and your mood swings, see you trying too hard; they don't want their darlings near us."

I swallowed. I hated him sometimes. No, I wouldn't trust us either.

I had tried dating, hooking up with a few women who seemed nice enough to start but they had all turned out to be nightmares, all tried to control me and Nancy, telling her off, making her upset.

"She's a brat," Asa snorted, "you spoiled her and she doesn't want to share," I felt his disapproval as I shifted, pulling my worn jeans and holed jumper over my body quickly.

I looked at my shoes, beginning to fall apart and sighed.

"Look at the state of us" he lamented, "our fated won't want us this way, you must do better"

"I don't see you busting your arse" I sniped, "and I'm late forties now, she's not out there, give it up mutt,"

"She's out there, I think she will be here soon and you look like a skinny old man, you need to get yourself together." He barked. "And the house is a wreck, she won't want to nest with us in that hole."

I'd love to have one of those wolves who calmed me and comforted me but no, I get this brute. Cruel, cunning and dominating.

"I'm a part of you Sean, you got what you are, nothing more!" He reminded me.

So they say but I'm not like that at all, anyone who knows me thinks I'm a nice guy, ask anyone.

Asa snorted and slunk off to the recesses of my mind, I could feel him seething, bubbling just under the surface. It was a daily battle to keep him under control.

I picked up my bag and wandered through the empty park. Looking up at the full moon hanging over the rooftops, I prayed to Selene that Asa was right. I needed to find her soon, I was losing my way.

I thought I caught a scent briefly in a club ten years ago, just before I met Sharon but as quickly as I smelled it, the trail went cold. I remembered a girl, barely old enough to be there; long dark hair, red lips, pale skin; she had looked like a real wild one; until you looked at her; really looked. the red lips had been soft and inviting, her big dark eyes you could lose yourself in. But she had no scent so she couldn't be a wolf.

I'd never forgotten her, even years after that night. I could have sworn I saw her eyes glow green for a moment but I must have imagined it.

She'd left the club with her boyfriend, she'd looked back at me. She couldn't have been the source of that rose and honey scent; even up close I got nothing from her, no smell at all.

I'd never seen her or smelled my fated again.

When she left with that bear of a man, Asa had been distraught, howling in my head for days after. Maybe that's why he didn't accept Sharon; or any other woman. They were always wrong, always a nightmare. I was beginning to hate women, they always led to disappointment but our fated would be different, she'd be good and gentle, sweet and thoughtful; and so beautiful.

I sighed. Perhaps the problem was that I was a romantic, I wanted that perfect love. It had to exist.

I yanked the front door open, pulling hard as it caught the carpet and looking up at the mould ridden porch. Perhaps Asa was right, perhaps I should put a few things in order.

I went to my computer desk and lit the joint I'd had half of before I went out, picking up my glass of red.

Asa harrumphed in my head, he didn't like the wine and smoke, it dulled his senses; but it also brought me numbness. I looked up at the mirror, realising that my eyebrows were greyer and longer than I remembered, my hair grey tipped and unkempt. A few longer hairs sprouting from my cheeks as well as my chin; I really was beginning to look more Wolfy.

"You're right Asa, " I sighed, "tomorrow is shave and hair cut then we need to smarten ourselves up."

"Pfffft," he snorted, "speak for yourself, I'm fine."

I couldn't really argue with that, he was probably in better shape, if a bit shaggy.

"So is the weed going to stop? Maybe try not drinking yourself to oblivion every night?" He snarked, "I'm getting fed up healing you Sean, I'm tired of your bullshit. If mate is good and pretty and perfect, she's not going to love us if you don't stop."

I sighed, hating that he was right again. Still, tomorrow was another day, another new start. I looked back at my computer and, deciding that I wasn't in the mood, made up my mind to go to bed, trudging up the narrow staircase, I looked at the dirty magnolia walls ruefully. This was going to take a lot of work.

Nancy was already in my bed, sound asleep.

"Mate should sleep there," Asa growled, " pup should not be in our nest."

I shoved him back as he growled at me, slinking off into a ball of disgust. He did not approve of many of my habits it seemed. I crawled between the worn sheets fully clothed and drifted off into an unsettled sleep, plagued by dreams of silky golden fur and startling green eyes.