Always

Old Man

Old Man

Dallas

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the face in front of me. I’ve grown out a beard. My eyes are dull and glossy from the binge the night before. The dark crescents and bags under my eyes are a badge. I’m wrecking myself. I finally found something I’m good at dad…Self destruction. My stomach growls like an angry beast. I don’t want to eat, but the hollow of my cheeks convinces me I need to. I splash water on my face and wet my hair, slicking it back from my face. Everything aches and my head is still just as f****d as it was when I left. My father’s voice is a stain I can’t wash out. He follows me every mile, only growing silent when I drink. I know I can’t keep on like this, but going back doesn’t feel right either.

My hands shake. I push away from the sink and walk into the room. Same beige walls, tacky bedspread with tiny table and chairs as the last place. I walk over to the plastic bag and dig out a clean t-shirt. I’ve acquired a few things during my trip. A few pairs of jeans, some shirts and boxers. I’m hunting down laundromats every couple of days and I’ve never missed Cora more.

I took a lot of s**t for granted. We fell into a pattern and I got comfortable. I’m missing her like mad. There’s nothing else to do but think out here, and I’m seeing how badly I’ve treated her over the past few months. It’s a bitter ass pill to swallow.

Past

We’ve been on the road for a week, barely stopping to eat or sleep. My eyes are burning and my bones ache. I open the door and sigh as the smell of cleaning products and one of Cora’s wax melts. I inhale deep and welcome the sense of peace that always comes with home. I lock the door behind me and walk into the living room.

“Nice of you to finally join us.” Cora’s voice is sleep worn and ice cold. There are dark circles under her eyes, and she’s thinner than I remember her being.

“You okay, Baby Girl?”

“Do I look okay to you?” She crossed her arms beneath her chest, making the t-shirt she’s wearing ride up around her thighs.

“No, you look like you need a good f**k and some sleep.”

“A good f**k?” She scoffs. “Are you delusional?”

“What the f**k? I come home to hear you bitching?” I scowl. “I don’t need this shit.”

“You don’t need this?” She shakes her head. “Since R hit three months, you’ve been gone more times than not. Are you doing it on purpose? Were you just wearing me down with the intention of bailing, once I agreed?”

“What are you talking about?” I run my hands through my hair. “You’re not making any f*****g sense.” I stalk toward her.

“Yes, I am! You told me this s**t would get better. That’s we’d work through it and you’d never leave me again. Do you remember that?”

“Yes, I f*****g remember. But this is work. You think I have a choice?”

“Yes. You’re the f*****g VP if you don’t want to go on every run happening, you can say something.”

“And risk having my father give me s**t for not being dedicated to Wesson?”

“Oh, my God! It always comes back to him, with you! When are you going to realize, you have a family of your own to worry about now? We should be your number one priority, not f*****g Rule.”

I rush forward and back her against the wall. “Watch your f*****g mouth, he’s the President.”

“He’s your Pres, not mine and you know damn well, that’s got jack s**t to do with it.”

“You’re a part of this club. Did you forget that?” I say.

“No, but I don’t live or die for that this. I live and die for you and R. Maybe I shouldn’t.

Her words are a trigger. I punch the wall millimeters from her head.

She whimpers and her eyes go wide.

“Watch how the f**k you talk to me.”

“Or you’ll what? Hit me? Are we going to add that to your list of sins against me? How long do you think I’m going to put up with this?”

I grab her forearms. “Stop.”

“Keep pushing me and I’m going to break, Dallas. I’m going to crack and nothing you say is going to fix it.”

I shove her away. Typical female bullshit. The time away gets tough to deal with and it comes out in all different manners. “I’m going to take a shower.”

She doesn’t say a word, as I walk down the hall.

Present

I can’t help but remember that moment. I didn’t stop. I kept pushing and now she’s not talking to me. Has the one person who’s always been on my side, finally given up on me? It’s a reality I can’t even fathom. The girl is more than my heart, she’s my savior. Always has been.

Past

“What I tell you?” Dad pulls the big buxom, blonde bimbo close to his side. “He’s f*****g worthless.” My dad sneers and glances down at me.

She giggles. “Oh, he’s just a kid, Rule.”

“A dumbass one,” Dad says while shaking his head. “Now Danny.” He gestures toward my little brother with his bottle. “He’s bright.”

The words are a punch to the face. I take care of the house when he’s gone. I make sure Danny is fed, bathed and doing what he’s supposed to. I know the alcohol is making him say more than he normally would, but it doesn’t hurt any less. There’s a small party going on tonight. Reaper, Brain and the girls are here. Danny is sitting beside Rowan on the couch and Cora is across from them, looking slightly bored.

“What boy, you don’t have nothing to say? You aren’t even going to try to defend yourself?” He frowns.

Unsure what he wants from me, I remain still.

“Cut the boy some slack, Rule. Let him breathe,” Brain says, patting my back.

“You keep encouraging him to act like a little p***y and you’ll ruin what I’m trying to do here.”

“And what is that exactly?” Brain asks.

“Keep him from f*****g up. Stop him from being like his soft hearted ass Mama. s**t makes me sick, looking at him and seeing her face.”

I gasp. Suddenly, my lungs refuse to work properly. Images of my mother have become murky. I remember bright blonde hair, a wicked smile, a soft voice, sweet smell and welcoming arms. This is why he hates me. I remind him of everything he lost. How the hell can I fix something like that?

“Why don’t you take a breather outside, son?” Brain urges.

I turn and sprint for the door, blocking out the words falling from my father’s mouth. I don’t want to hear anymore. I can’t take any more damage when I’m already on the floor gushing blood. All I ever wanted to do was please him, make him proud. Now, I know I never will, simply because of who I am and whom I remind him of. It’s swift kick to the chest. I stumble down the stairs and rush over to sit beneath my favorite tree. I rest my head against the knobby wood and let the tears go. I’m obliterated, beaten down with nothing left. It’s a loop I’ll never escape. We’ll continue to do this dance forever, because there’s no way in hell I’m leaving Danny behind and this is all I know.

Footsteps have me dashing my eyes with my sleeve. I lift my gaze and see Cora.

At twelve, she’s all gangly limbs, pig tails and huge brown eyes full of compassion.

“What are you doing out here, Baby Girl?” I ask gruffly.

She sinks down and leans against the tree beside me. “I think you’re the most amazing person I ever—met.” Her voice wavers.

I turn to look at her.

She keeps her gaze trained on the hands in her lap, fiddling with her ruffled skirt. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re my best friend and the person I love most in the entire world. Well, next to my Daddy. And I’m sorry that you’re sad, but I want you to know, you’re not alone. You’ll never be alone as long as I’m around.”

Her words burrow deep, cutting through the pain I’m experiencing. She lifts her head and I swear I see nothing but love and acceptance. I lost a part of myself to her that night and I knew in that moment, one day she’s going to be my entire world.

Present

The memory rushes back and rocks me to the core. I rush into the bathroom and empty my stomach. I lost sight of her in all this.  As I keep heaving—the shame hits. I’ve turned into my old man, pushing away the people I should hold closest.

What are you going to do about it?

The question mocks me, because I have no answer.

Cora

“Hey Daddy,” I grin at my father as he steps into the house with his biggest fan in tow. I love that my sons adores his grandfather. I look down at R. “Did you have a good time?”

“Uh, Granpa took me to da park.” He grins.

“And I fed him, so he should be ready to lay down for awhile.”

The look on his face tells me he wants to talk. I groan mentally. That’s the last thing I want to do. “Oh, I don’t know. He doesn’t look sleepy to me.”

R rubs his eyes.

My father smirks. “You were saying?”

“I’ll put him down.”

“No, I’ll put him down. You sit you ass down on that couch and get ready to have this overdue conversation.”

I sigh and do as he says. I know by now, there’s no use arguing with him and since the coma, I worry. It changed my entire relationship with him. I took it for granted that he’d always be there. Almost losing him, had me cherishing every moment and thinking about my life. The good the bad, the unfulfilled dreams and promises. There was a lot I didn’t like. That’s a problem. Life is too short to live in unhappiness. You think you’ll have forever until it’s thrust in your face that life is a flash in the pan. There are so many times I should’ve walked away from Dallas, but I always held tight to the belief that our love was stronger than the hold his father had on him. Now, I know differently. What I’m trying to figure out is what I’m going to do about it. I refuse to play second fiddle to a ghost.

I hear dad’s boots on the wood and turn around to face him. His face is grim and my stomach is bubbling.

Despite the weight loss that came from his coma, he’s still intimidating. The physical therapy has him nearly back, to where he was.

“Daddy—”

“No. I don’t want to hear anything out of your mouth, Baby Girl. You’re going to sit and listen to me. I don’t say much to you. You’re grown with a child and a man of your own and I respect your life decisions, even when I don’t like them.” He narrows his eyes at me.

I sink down onto the couch. He never wanted me with Dallas. He made that clear from the beginning.

He sits down beside me. “When I see what you’re doing is f*****g with the club. I gotta step in.”

“I’m not—?”

He glares at me.

I clamp my mouth shut. “We both know the sun rises and sets with you for Dallas. I don’t give a f**k what kind of Daddy’s issues he has. Rule never did right by that boy. Every time he looked at his son, he saw a ghost. s**t made him mean and unreasonable. We all tried to talk to him about it, but he never listened to s**t. Kind of like another man I know.” He sneers.

“You’re wrong. He didn’t give a shit.”

“No, he cared too much.”

“I don’t understand. Why are you defending him? You don’t even like him.”

“Maybe not, but I know he’s the best thing for Wesson. You don’t come up like he did intact, without being strong. We need that right now.”

I shake my head. “So, call him.”

“I’m not the one he wants to hear from.”

“And you think I am? He left me.”

“No, he went to clear his head.”

“For over a month?” I hop up from the couch. “This is bullshit Dad! All you ever wanted was for me to get away from Dallas. You gave us hell. Wouldn’t even let him make me an Old Lady, and now you’re all on his team for the good of the club. What about me?  Do I even matter? Did I ever?”

“I don’t think I’m the one you want to be asking those questions.”

“No, you aren’t.” I pace the length of the room. “What do you want Dad? You want me to call him and ask him to come home? I can do it, but I can’t guarantee he will. I don’t know where the hell his head is right now, and really I don’t want him here. I don’t know what I want.” I tug at my hair. “This is my life, dad. Do you understand that?”

“You think the club doesn’t matter?”

“I’m saying he’s not the only one who needs time and space. I need this.”

His eyebrows fly up with surprise.

I stand in the middle of the room now, breathing heavily. “He was the one who got patched in. He swore an oath to dedicate his life to this club. I didn’t. Hell, I’m not even an Old Lady. Technically speaking I’m a damn free agent.”

“Don’t you get sassy with me.”

“You tell me in one breath I’m a grown woman you trust to make her own decisions and in the next instant, try to tell me what to do?”

“No, I’m telling you what’s right.”

“For who Dad?”      

“Pull your head out of your ass and get your s**t together. Dallas is the key to this club’s survival and Danny is living on borrowed time. How long do you think he can hack it before he starts to come apart at the seams?”

“He’s strong.”

“When he wants something, yes. This is going to eat him alive. Can you live with that?”

I glance away, pissed that once again, it all falls on me to keep everything together. My happiness in one hand and the club’s survival in another. They can’t be balanced. It’s one or the other. Maybe Dallas had it right when he bailed. Maybe I should too. The world is falling down around me and I have no one to turn to, because everyone is standing under the same sky. My mind flashes to Houdini. Ira is a Nomad. He comes and goes as he pleases. If I wanted to leave, Ira would take me in an instant. Puzzles pieces connect and I know exactly what I’m going to do. “You know what? You’re right, Dad. I’m not going to leave Wesson hanging. I’ll talk to Dallas.”

He narrows his eyes at me.

“I’ll get him back here.”

“You sure?”

“Oh, I’m positive. Leave it to me.” The thought of payback turns me into a bloodthirsty b***h. Two can play the leaving game. I’m sick of being on the losing end of the silent war, our relationship has turned into.

“Alright, then I’ll leave you to it.” Dad stands from the couch, eyeing me cautiously.

“Daddy, you know I love you right?”

His lips twitch at the corner. “I love you too, Baby Girl.” 

The minute the door closes behind him, I call Houdini.

“Everything okay?”

“Ira, remember that farm you told me about?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m ready to go for a visit.”

“Say the word.”

I smile. “I’ll be ready to leave in thirty minutes.”

“You sure about this Cora? It’s going to piss off a lot of people.”

“Since when have you cared?”

His husky laughs fills me with joy. He’s become my partner in crime. “My sister is going to love you.”

“I hope so.” I know how much she means to him. I also know how prickly she can be. Though, given their lives, I can’t say I blame her. He’s giving me a place to escape the prison my life has become for a little while. I don’t want to upset his in return.

“I’ve told her about you, hoping she’d warm up to the thought of company other than me. I-I think she’s ready.”

The way he’s taken care of and loved her is humbling. I want to help her. “Well ready or not, here we come.”

“She likes kids.”

“It’s just me you don’t know about. Don’t worry about it. I can handle her.”

“I hope so. I don’t want to see her waste away out there, Cora.”

Everyone has read this man wrong. “I’m going to get me and R packed. I’ll see you when you get here.” I walk to the bedroom and think about the text. This is your last chance Dallas Wesson.

His words back are ringing in my ear. If you run, I will hunt you down and bring you back to me. You’re mine always Cora.

This time, I’m running. Are you game to find me? The clock is ticking Wesson. I hit the send button and fly through the house like a tornado.