Always

Bloodstream

Blood Stream

Cora

It’s quiet, too quiet. My baby boy is asleep and I’m sitting on the couch, avoiding the empty bedroom. It still smells like him, leather, musk and cologne. My chest cavity aches and my stomach rolls. I’m pretending I’m a rock, but the truth is my soul is crying out for its other half. Anyone would tell you I’ve loved Dallas my whole life, but right now, I think maybe I actually hate him. How could he do this to us? His son won’t buy the lame, he’s on a trip excuse forever. Plus, I have no clue when or if he’s coming back.

The television screen gets wavy and I blink. Don’t you cry over him Cora Curtis. You’re f*****g stronger than that. I clench my teeth. I’ve been through far worse than this. I know it logically, but that does nothing to take away the pain. The man I’ve always counted on, up and left without so much as a decent explanation.  

I can’t be here, Cora. His words haunt me. When did being with me, with his family become an option? I rock back and forth, holding in the dam of emotions. If I let myself sink back into that hole again, I may never get out. I’ve spent a year clawing my way back to the world of the living. I won’t return to that ghostly plane of half life. There was a time when the sun rose and set in Dallas’ face. He could do no wrong in my eyes. It was a silly, stupid, blissful time. Then, he made the worst mistake of our lives and everything changed in the blink of an eye.

Past

“Dallas, please don’t go on this run,” I whisper, shifting my weight as he rubs my belly. Two more months to go and we’ll be welcoming baby boy number one into the Wesson fold. True to his word that day in the back of the club, he’d gotten me pregnant.

“What’s wrong, you feel okay?” He narrows his eyes and looks me up and down.

“Yes. I mean—physically I’m fine. I just have this feeling.” I shake my head.

“I know you don’t like it when I’m gone right now, but I need to take care of business. I’m going to be out of commission for awhile soon enough.”

“I know.” I glance down at the floor. I don’t ask for much. I know the life as well as he does. But everything in me is protesting his departure.  

“Look, I’ll make it up to you when I get back. Next week, we can do whatever you want. Hell, I’ll even suffer through a trip to the mall or some frou-frou ass restaurant.” He bends down to catch my gaze. “Nicely dressed.”

The thought of him in slacks and a button up it makes my lady parts tingle. I grin, picturing him dressed like that. Weight lifting and runs keep his body tight and his reflexes fast. “You do clean up well.”

“There’s my girl,” he whispers, running his thumb across my chin. “I’ll make it quick. “

I take a deep breath and wrestle my hormone laden concerns down. “I’ll be here.”

“Good. I don’t think I like you in the house alone right now.”

I roll my eyes. “We live like five minutes from the club. If anything happens, someone will get to me. You know the first baby doesn’t come fast.”

“Baby Girl, this is my kid, he’s going to do everything early and on his own schedule.”

“Oh Jesus, two yous? What the hell was I thinking?” I snicker at the image of a caramel skinned miniature of Dallas.

“That you love me and my d**k feels good.” He leans down and nuzzles my neck.

“Shut up.” I cover his mouth with my hand.

He laughs. “You going to let me marry you before this baby comes?”

His voice sounds husky and my panties grow wet. I want to agree to whatever he says, but this is a nonnegotiable request. “No, afterward when I’m not round and swollen. Besides, you knew the rules Rebel. No cut, no ring until Daddy gives you permission to make me your old lady. You and your super sperm jumped the gun. Now, I’m not saying s**t till I’m no longer round and swollen.”

He grunts. “Don’t like it. Thought the asshole would yield.”

“Don’t let him hear you call him that, and you’d best be happy he hasn’t nailed your balls to the wall yet.” I say pointing at him.

My Dad was not too thrilled with news of the impending birth. But he dealt. With his fists.

I still cringe, remembering the black eyes and bruises Dallas wore for a couple of weeks.

“True enough. Be good babies. Daddy’s off to take care of business.” He leans in and kisses me until I’m ready to rub up against him like a cat in heat. We come up for air and he steps back, trailing his fingers down my belly. Then, he walks away.

With the slam of the front door followed quickly by the roar of bikes—Dallas is gone.

I survey the space and perk up when my gaze lands on my dad playing pool with some of the prospects. As VP, he’s spent most of my life busy handling other people’s s**t, but I never felt neglected. I had the club, old ladies, Danny, Dallas and Rowan for company. Eager to get someone on one, I make my way over to the back room, cursing my limited movement. All the weight went straight to my boobs and belly. I thought it would turn Dallas off, but it did the reverse. The man turned into a s*x fiend with cave men tendencies. It did a girl’s ego good, but damn…was I tired these days, on top of the baby boy in my belly. “Hey, Daddy.”

My dad looks up and smiles. “Well s**t, look who surfaced in a sunshine mood.”

I roll my eyes. “Dad, you carry around something the size of a watermelon, let it dance all over your insides and tell me how you feel.”

Rufus chuckles. “Take over for me Prophet. I’m going to spend time with my kid.” He hands his stick to the short, dark haired man with a short beard. His blue grey eyes are shifty, but sharp and he has a tendency to drink a bit too much on occasion. Blessed with a sixth sense of things, he quickly earned the name Prophet. He’d been here going on a year. I like him, he provides a certain sense of humor, the club needs to take the edge off and he follows directions to the letter.

“Sure thing, Reaper,” Prophet says.

My dad the bad ass, I have no illusions about why he’s named after the deliverer of death. He didn’t get patched in as VP for his looks, or the fact that he was born into the Rebels. There’s a coldness in him that makes me glad he’s a later in life parent. I was an accident, but my dad wanted me instantly. I didn’t blame my mother for not hacking it. What started out as a walk on the wild side turned into a lifetime commitment for her. I think she would’ve taken me with her during her exodus if dad had allowed it, but bikers are deadly serious about their family. I talk to her every couple of months and see her about as much. She’s happy, remarried to some banker with three kids. I love my siblings, but I keep the contact light and casual. I don’t want them sucked into the black hole that is the MC lifestyle.

Rufus wraps an arm around my shoulders. “You hungry?”

“Dad, these days…I’m always hungry.”

He barks a laugh. “Just like your Momma, but nicer. Man, that chick was a crying, cussing, fussing mess by the time you came into the world two weeks late.”

Warmth unfurls inside me. He doesn’t walk down memory lane often. “It’s hard to picture her that way.”  

“Hah, don’t let that prim and proper façade fool you. She’s got a dark and gritty side.”

I see the fondness in his eyes and I’m grateful once more, that I was conceived in love and my mother wasn’t some club w***e.

We walk into the kitchen area and dad nudges me toward the table. “Take a load off, Baby Girl.”

Nodding, I sit and watch him make one of his tri-meat sandwiches. While they normally make me wrinkle my nose up in disgust, the baby inside me is straight carnivore and loves them.

“How are things? Do I need to put my boot in Dallas’ ass yet?”

I laugh. “Not yet, but ask me again, tomorrow”

He shakes his head. “You two were always linked. It’s never what I wanted. Dallas is a hard man with a heavy weight on his shoulders. From the minute he came out, he’s been groomed and conditioned to take the crown when the time is right. But you always looked at him with dew in those big ole brown eyes. I stopped trying to intervene after awhile.” His voice is gruff.

I can see his eyes are soft and full of an emotion I can’t place.  The sentimental nature of my father’s conversation shocks me. “Everything okay, Dad?” My minds balks at the thought of what he might be about to tell me. Is he sick?

“Be quiet woman. I’m trying to say something.”

I clamp my mouth shut and lean forward over the mid-size faded wood table.

“I’m ready to give my consent to you being patched in as Dallas’ Old Lady.”

My mouth drops wide open.

“You’re grown and the two of you are going to be linked forever by that little rider in your belly. Now, by no means am I surrendering. I’ll split his hard head wide open if he does wrong by you. But your life is to be lived. Figures, you’d take after your old man and not your mother. Wesson is in your blood.”

I scramble up from the table and run over to wrap my arms around his waist and squeeze tight. He smells like leather and aftershave. I relish the shelter of his arms. “Thank you, Daddy.”

A pop goes off in the courtyard and I freeze. I know the sound of gunfire when I hear it.

“Go to the bathroom in my room, get the shot gun and stay there till someone comes for you.”

“Dad—”

“No arguments, girl!” He pulls away and shoves me toward the door.

My stomach twists into knots. I run to my dad’s room and lock the door behind me. I can hear more gunfire. I place one hand on my belly to reassure my unborn child and begin to go through the steps drilled into my head from the time I was old enough. You didn’t want to be taken by another MC. That s**t didn’t scar, it broke you down for life—if you survived it. I shudder and move to the closet to arm myself. I place two .45’s in the back of my waist band and grab the shotgun. Loading the shells, I c**k it.

Outside the room, it sounds like a warzone.

In here, I have no way of knowing who is winning. Prepped to go down fighting, I curse my luck. My phone is outside on the kitchen table. I grip the shotgun tight, knowing at the very least, a prospect has made a call to other members and the boys are on their way. Images of what could be happening make my stomach sour. I slam the door down on the gruesome visions. Panic gets you killed. I can hear yelling and the sound of bodies meeting the walls.

Boom.

I jump as a door to a room close by is kicked open. Placing the butt of the shotgun against my shoulder, I put my finger on the trigger. My body tenses as they get closer to my location. More shots are let off. The skin on my belly stretches tight. A wave of pain hits my abdomen. Forcing back the worry, I grit my teeth.

A heavy boot hits my door. Wood splinters and the door swings open.

I fire and turn away from the frame. A scream fills the air. A body hits the ground with a loud thud. One down. The gunpowder burns my nostrils and makes my eyes water. One more shot and I’ll need to pump again, to refill the chamber. One more blast after that and I’ll switch to the .45’s. I have my plan laid out and I repeat it over and over in my head.

“Son of a b***h!” A masculine voice shouts.

“I got plenty more where that came from assholes! Best to move on!” I scream.

“Get in there and get that b***h,” a snarly voice commands. 

I back up to the wall and slide down, controlling my breathing to keep my position safe.

A round of bullets comes through the open door, filling the space I’d been standing in and lighting up the darkness. Two men bound in.

I take the first one out at the knees, pump and shoot the other in the chest. My ears ring, but my hands are steady. I toss down the shotgun and pull the .45’s from my waist band. c*****g them with the ease of a woman raised to know how to handle herself, I duck back to the side.

The sounds of motorcycles roaring up send the people in the hallway running. Feet pound on the pavement and something inside me rose up from the ashes of the woman I’d been just an hour before. The lust for revenge replaces the fear and grief. I give chase, firing down the hallway. For them to get back here to me, my men have to be hurt. That means my daddy was down. The sickening thwack of bullet ripping into flesh makes me grin. The door to the back is pushed open and they scramble to get onto their bikes as the Wesson men come in the front.

“Cora!”

I can hear their frantic yells, but I can’t speak or think over the murderous red haze and the buzz in my head. I continue to fire, hitting targets as they drive out of the complex. I take in the skull and cross bone insignia, Rolling Bones MC. They’ve wanted our territory for years, but had always been to p***y to do much about it. Now, they’ve gone and started a war.

“Cora, Jesus Christ you did this?”

Dallas’ voice pierces the veil and I blink as he pulls me in his arms.  “You should’ve been here.”  

“I know, I know. I’m so f*****g sorry.” The rest of his words bounce off the hardened shell that forms over me as I go blank.

We lost, Crafty, Trigger and Gator that night, but my stubborn ass father clung to life. I was relieved to have him alive, but seeing him in a coma was torture. Every day he remained under, was another day he moved further away. I talked up a storm. I begged, pleaded and commanded. But he remained unmoved. Only the knowledge that I had a baby growing inside me depending on how well I took care of myself kept me from sinking into an endless black despair. While I knew this wasn’t Dallas’ fault, I resented him for not listening to me.

If we’d had more men here that night, the Rolling Bones would’ve been handled. Ro and Danny acted as a buffer between us, and then Rufus Rule Wesson was born and things stopped being about us. For four months I was a zombie, and then Rowan and Danny went to college and Dallas put his foot down.

Dallas opened the door to the house that was now ours alone and I stepped inside. The drive home had been an almost somber event. I felt excited for Danny and Rowan leaving for college, but I missed them already. The silence and lack of interference would force us to look at things we buried, instead of dealing with. I could feel Dallas’ eyes on me.

Those penetrating jade green pieces could make a woman orgasm or a man tremble in fear.

I wasn’t immune, but I could ignore with the best of them. I step away and walk into the kitchen. “Are you hungry? I’m starving, so I’ll just get something going.” I hurry into the cheery yellow room to open and close cabinets.

“Baby Girl.”

“Yeah?” I refuse to turn around.

“Look at me.”

“Why? That’d be counterproductive to me prepping a meal,” I answer with false vibrato.

“Cora.”

I hear the anger in his voice. I know I’m pushing him to the edge, but I can’t stop. I reach up on the shelf and pull down a box of pasta.

Dallas walks up behind me and presses my body against the counter. “It’s been enough time.”

The words slice through me and I bow my head. “Now? You want to do this s**t now, after I just said good bye to Rowan and Danny?” I ask, grasping at straws. I’m not ready for this confrontation.

“Yes dammit! It’s been left long enough.” His breath is hot on the back of my neck.

“For you, Dallas, for you.” I clutch the pasta box while focusing on the white counter top. We’d been dodging this moment for so long, it’d become second nature.

“Fuck.” He slams his fists against the kitchen counter beside me. “How long are you going to make me pay for it?”

“You should’ve been there, Dallas.” My voice shakes. The sound of gunshots and the taste of fear in my mouth circle around in my mind.

“Turn around and look at me.”

The plea in his voice makes me rotate my body.

He snatches the box of pasta from my hands and flings it across the room. “If I could go back, you know I would.”

“I know, but you can’t.” I run my fingers over the Vice President patch on his cut.

“Can we please get past this? I gave you time. I backed up, kept my mouth shut and supported you.”

“Isn’t that what a man does for his woman?” I challenge.

“Yes, problem is, you’re still raw and bleeding. I want to make this right, make us a real family for R.” Dallas places his head on my shoulder.

I fight back the tears. He’s doing it again, ripping at the wall I erected to keep me safe.

 My father had yet to wake from his coma. He’d lapsed into a deep coma. Everything functioned just fine, but the lights were out.

Wesson Rebels paid for his care and I visited him often, usually with his namesake. Rufus Rule Curtis who came into the world 9lbs 5 ounces with a set of lungs to wake the dead. Affectionately referred to as R squared, the caramel skinned baby with wicked hazel eyes has been the glue that holds this battered family together.

I know that if we’re going to stay together we have to heal the rift and move forward. It’s a sick thing, wanting to be with someone and resenting them at the same time. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, but opening myself back up and placing my trust in Dallas fully, is even harder than the college level Calculus course, I flunked twice. “I don’t know what to say it was a lot at once. Dad getting gunned down and falling into a coma, trying to stay sane enough to carry R to full term, and then watching you…” My voice wavers and I swallow, forcing the lump in my throat down. “…Take Daddy’s place.” It obliterated my already traumatized mind. All I could think of was putting one foot in front of the other and clinging to what sanity I could find. “I know I’ve been off these past few months. But I’m here and I’m trying.”

“I know that, Baby Girl.” He smoothes my hair back away from my face. “But you still hold back from me. It was never like that between us. I don’t want it to be.” Dallas shook his head. “Scratch that. I refuse to let it be. The time of handling you with kid gloves has come and gone. Don’t you think R deserves united parents?”

My head snaps up and I glare. f**k you, Dallas. “We are. I’ve been with you every step of the way? What more do you want?”

“I want my Baby Girl back.” He dead pans.

“You ever think she might not exist?” I shook my head. I was never a stranger to the hazards of club life, but nothing like this had ever hit so close to home. It’s shaken me, stolen the innocence I’d maintained as a woman inside Wesson.

“No, because I see her. All the damn time, with Rule, Rowan and Danny. Hell, everyone but me gets a piece of old Cora.” A vein pops out in his neck and his chest heaves.

“You want to do this s**t, let’s do it. I know you don’t like what’s leftover, so why don’t you just leave, Dallas!” I scream, clutching at flimsy defense tactics.

He cups my face with his hand, squeezing my cheeks. “You’re mine. You don’t get to walk away and I’m sure as f**k not going anywhere.”

 I jerk away. “Don’t you touch me.”

“That’s right take out your anger, yell, scream, cuss. I don’t give a f**k as long as you feel with me.” He grins and presses his lips to mine. “I’m going to do more than touch,” he whispers. “I’m going to f**k you till that sassy ass mouth of yours is quiet.”

I lift my hand and before I know it, I slap him across the face.

His eyes go wide as he releases my face and grips my forearms giving me shake. “You’ve had your mind twisted as f**k since this s**t went down and I haven’t been able to give it to you like you need with Danny, Rowan and R always around. With Aunt Sunshine on weekend duty it’s just us. Finally, I’m going to do what I should’ve months ago.”

I’m shaking, afraid of and anticipating his next actions. He moves fast. I blink and he lifts me up and tosses me over his shoulder. Panic sets in and I thrash. I’d built up a wall to keep me out of the intense emotions I feel for him. Behind them, I’m safe. I never want to hurt again, the way I did that night.

He smacks my ass hard.

I cry out, going still.

“Keep it up. There’s plenty more where that came from.”

“Don’t don’t do this, Dallas,” I whisper while slumped over his shoulder.

“Do what? Bring Sleeping Beauty back to life? It’s time, Baby Girl.”

“No no it’s not. There’s too much ugly inside.”

“I want all of you Cora. Not just the pretty polished pretend pieces you’ve been wearing around.”

“No, no you don’t. It’ll break us,” I plead my case. The walls keep the anger and the resentment inside.

“We’re built Wesson strong, we got this on lock.” He rubs my ass, relieving the sting from the sharp raps he placed moments earlier.

My n*****s harden and my panties grow damp. No matter what my mind says, my body is always ready and willing. Dallas knows me better than anyone else and directs my body’s responses like the conductor of an orchestra.

He stalks through the door to our bedroom and throws me on the bed. I sit up and he’s there in an instant, pinning me down with the weight of his lean body. “I’m reclaiming everything, your heart, your soul and your p***y. ‘Cause they all belong to me, forever. You remember that?”

I know he’ll do everything he said and in the process—I’ll break.

“You remember our first time? You were scared then too, but you trusted me. That’s all I’m asking you to do now, Baby Girl.” His voice is low and gravelly and the expression in his eyes is gentle.

This look he wears is a rarity not many ever see and it never fails to move me. My body trembles.

“Let go, Baby Girl. I’ll take care of you. I know what you need, what we need.” He rubs the top of my thigh, massaging the flesh revealed by my tiny shorts.

It’d been the sticky hot weather that made me don them and I didn’t want to melt on the way home. f**k, if I’m not regretting that decision now. His heat sears my flesh, deepening my desire for him.

“I see it in your eyes baby, you want me.”

“I never said I didn’t—Dallas.” My voice cracks. What I don’t want was the world of hurt I’ve barricaded myself from to come crashing down.

He pops the button on the top of my jeans and eases his fingers inside my panties.

His thick, calloused digits have my p***y weeping. My c**t swells and my n*****s pucker. My walls tense and release in hopeful anticipation. He’s fined tuned my body to him. Times like this, I hate him for that.

“So wet.” He swipes my c**t and I buck against him. “I’m going to make you come so hard.”

His voice drops an octave and goose bumps raise over my skin. I want the release he can give me. I crave the reprieve from the tangled mess going on inside my head. But I don’t want the aftermath.

“No holding back on me this time.” He thrust his fingers inside. I let my head fall back as I lift my hips. “I want to see inside you.” His movements are rough and fast, just the way I need. “Open those eyes and look at me, Cora. I want those pretty browns glued to mine.” 

I clench my lids shut as an act of defiance.

He pauses with his finger deep inside me. “No.”

My walls contract around him involuntarily. I open my eyes.

He grins. “Keep them on me.” He growls, adjusting his angle and hitting the spot that has me seeing stars.

My witty comebacks die on my lips. Bastard knows what he’s doing. A few more pumps and I don’t care. Whimpers spill from my throat and I clamp my thighs around his hand to get more friction. The pressure begins to build and like a soda pop bottle shaken and unscrewed—I explode.

“Damn, you’re so pretty when you come for me, Cora.”

Breathing heavily, I watch as he removes my shorts, shrugs out of his cut and tosses it onto the chair beside our bed.

Stripping down, he reveals miles of sinewy muscle.

He is everything I love. Strong and muscular without being over defined and slim, but broad. My mouth waters at the sight of him.

His gaze catches mine and I see his eyes soften as he strokes his c**k.

I’m mesmerized by the drop of pre-come that leaks from the mushroom shaped head.

“Open those legs, Baby Girl. You’re ready for me. I can smell how much you want it.”

Nervous, I spread my legs wide and he kneels on the bed, crawling over to me. His thick head nudges my entrance. “You ready to be f****d?”

I release shaky breath and nod my head. 

“No I want to hear it, Cora.”

“I want you to f**k me Dal—”.

He drives home and my words become garbled. “Hold your legs back.”

 I do as he asks, yowling when he hits my g-spot and retreats, over and over again.

“I want to hear you Cora,” he demands.

“So good, so good.” My head spins.

He’s been going easy on me. I forgot what it was like before when we were wild, inexhaustible, and adventurous.

“Tell me who’s f*****g you baby?”

“You—you are.”

He bottoms out, going deeper and deeper. “Say my name, Baby Girl.”

“Dallas…Dallas.”

“That’s right, don’t you ever forget it.” His hand comes up and grips my neck, gently pressing down on my wind pipe, just enough to let me know he’s there and in total control of the situation.

“Oh…” I whimper.

“You like it when I’m in control because you know I’ll always take care of you, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I gasp out.

“No more running. I want all of it. You hear me?” He drives deeps, hitting my cervix.

I scream as I began to come undone. “Close, Jesus I’m close!”

“You’re going to come for me and you’re going to let go.” His eyes are alight with fire. “You understand me?”

I know he’s talking about more than my orgasm. “Yes, yes.” I clutch the sheets between us.

“And I’m going to fill up your p***y too, same way as I always did before. No more of this bullshit.”  

He’s ripping down the road blocks I placed between us and forcing me back on our life’s path. He wants another baby. I don’t mind, I adore baby R squared, but the fear won’t leave me. It suffocates me, choking the life from me like a weed killing a flower.

“No, stay with me. No more disappearing.” He forces the words out through gritted teeth while his neck is all tensed up.

I can tell he’s close. I’ve been drowning and he’s throwing me a lifeline, but I know that this towing will come with some heavy dosage of pain. I hover at the edge, fighting against surrendering to my body’s wishes and his will.

He tightens his old around my throat.

My walls clamp down. I’m going over whether I want it or not. Tired of battling alone and ready for the bliss only Dallas offers, I let the waves carry me away. He’s gravity, there’s no denying him forever.

He cries out, pumps a few more times and fills me with his warmth. Collapsing on top of me, he buries his face to my neck. “You’re getting my cut in the next three months and we’re getting hitched.”

Too tired to argue, I moan a noncommittal answer. I’m not sure how much I can bend without going back to the dark place that consumed me right after the hit on the MC. But finally, I’m ready to try.

Present

How can the man who fought for me so hard before, walk away so easily? My head falls back onto the couch and I curse the day I let him back inside. How many times is it going to take for me to understand that Dallas Wesson brings pain? I’m many things, but a stupid woman isn’t one of them. Love doesn’t mean you continue to cut your main artery and bleed out. This time, things will be different between me and Dallas. This time, I’ll be strong enough to stand on my own.

Dallas

I peel my crusted eyelids up and reality bears down on me like a freight train. I’m in a rundown hotel, hours away from my home. My father is dead, my brother is Wesson’s president and I’m a Nomad. I lick my dry lips and wonder what Cora is doing. She’ a victim of circumstance in all this, wrong place, wrong time, wrong man. I never should’ve started s**t with her. I knew it. That’s why I waited so long to let her know how I felt.

God, I knew she watched me, wanted me. I can still remember the powerful streak of electricity that ran through my body the first time I saw her view me as a man. My d**k hardens even now and I groan. Good to know at least one of my heads is functioning properly. I miss her warmth beside me and the sweet smell of her skin. I miss the sound of my baby boy’s babbling and the brilliance of his gaze. His eyes are so like mine, but I never want him to gain anything else from me. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m cursed.

I roll over in bed and grab my phone from the nightstand. Twenty voice mails and a slew of texts. I won’t leave Cora hanging. She’s lost enough as it is. Everyone else can go f**k themselves. I don’t owe them any explanations. I shoot a quick text.

Got in to a hotel late last night and crashed, still breathing.~Dallas

I hold my breath as I wait for a response. When it doesn’t come right away I begin the task of scrolling through the others. I stop when I see my brother’s. I know you need time to get your head straight. I got Cora and R2.

A part of me wants to get on my bike and drive home. Patch things up and pretend I’m okay. The fix would be temporary and I can’t walk around a ticking time bomb. I don’t even know what life truly means with dad gone or if I want to be or should be President. I’ve lived my whole life for him. No one ever asked me what I wanted. Anger rushes up and I toss my phone across the room. It slams into the wall. I’m f*****g everything up again, just the way I used to. After all this time, my old man turns out to be right. My heads throbs and I find myself wishing this was nothing more than a hangover induced dream and my brother would be waking me up any minute to give me hell.

Past

Tiny droplets of liquid pepper my face. “Wake up, Fucker!” A gruff voice bitches at me.

Groaning, I run a hand over my face. The moisture continues to sprinkle me. Annoyed, I peel my eyelids open, wincing as the light pierces them.

“Rise and shine, bitch.” Danny grins.

“Oh, f**k you.” I mumble. My throat is dry and my eyes are burning. I overdid it with the whiskey last night. I force myself into an upright position on the couch.

“You in the dog house?” Danny asks, clearly amused.

Scowling, I will the room to stop spinning and wait for my stomach to settle. I’m a pro at this hangover bullshit by now. Sometimes, the only way to deal with the demons in my head and the stress on my shoulders is to get ripped or get a good f**k. “Nah, just crashed out here after I drank.” I run my hands through my hair and push to my feet, walking to the kitchen to start a cup of coffee. I bitched about buying this Kuerig coffee brewer, but the s**t turned into an essential item.

“You even remember calling me during that binge?” Danny asks.

“Yeah. Thanks for coming down, Co could use Rowan right now.”

“Yeah about that. What the f**k, brother? Reaper flat lines and you don’t call us?”

“Not my call,” I say, shaking my head. “I only got so much pull as VP. And being Dad’s son, I get even less. You know how he gets once he gets something in his head.”

“f**k yes, I do,” Danny grumbles.

“I can tell by the level of irritation in your voice you’ve already seen him. I don’t get why you two can’t get along.” I say, shaking my head as I doctor my mug with sugar and creamer. f**k that black s**t, I like my coffee sweet.

“Because he thinks he’s God.”

“As far as Wesson is concerned he is,” I reply with a snort. “It’s the way of s**t. You know it. I know it. Accept it and move on.”

“Ain’t so easy for me.”

“You know if I didn’t know better. I’d think you had the hard on for President someday.”

“f**k that. It’s a patch I never want to wear on my cut.”

I chuckle as I place the mug beneath the dispenser and turn to face him, leaning against the counter. “How’s college life treating you?” He’s always been too smart for his own good. Seeing him go away had been hard, but satisfying. It felt like what he should be doing. What I knew he would do, if he weren’t bogged down with the club. I’m not blind to the fact that my brother isn’t in whole heartedly for us. But it doesn’t change s**t. Short of walking away from us and living in exile, he’s locked in. 

“Good. s**t, compared to what we grew up dealing with, it’s a cake walk. It makes me sick all these kids walking around with zero responsibilities, bitching like they got it so hard,” Danny scoffs. “We pretty much stick to ourselves.”

“I thought you’d be eating that s**t up.”

“What do you mean?” Danny frowns.

“Being normal.”

He gives a dry laugh that makes me flinch. The sound reminds me of rusty razor blades “Normal? We can never be that. After all we’ve seen and done, we’re lucky we’re not completely f****d in the head.”

I always knew the weight of what we did sat heavily on him. “I don’t know, I’m pretty f*****g normal,” I say grinning.

“Oh, bullshit.” He laughs.

With the sound, suddenly the cloud lifts and I can breathe again. It’s easier to mask everything behind flippancy and humor. “What? I got a house, kids and an almost wife. I’m living the f*****g American dream.”

“More like you’re living with the consequences of not being able to keep your hands and your d**k to yourself,” Danny teases.

“Please…you’ve seen my wife and felt her p***y. You going to tell me you could keep your hands off it? Besides, that s**t was done purposefully.”

“You had it out for that girl from the minute she was semi-legal.”

I shrug. There’s no shame in my feelings for her. When she grew a pair at fifteen and started looking less like my little buddy who followed me around her entire life, I knew it was just a matter of time until we were together. Because there was no way I’d let any other asshole touch her. I sealed her fate with mine the first chance I got and staked my claim. People thought R squared was an accident, but they couldn’t be more wrong. He’s my legacy and my link to Cora forever, no matter what happened. I never pretended to be a perfect man. I’ve f****d up with her many times and I knew it would never really stop. When the club comes first and everything else comes second, feelings get hurt, needs go unmet and sometimes, old ladies get sick of it. Still, the things a mother would do for her child were unparallel to anything else. I’d seen it with my own two eyes. Some people would call me manipulative, but I thought of myself as a planner. We were in this for the long run. So, I made my choices with that expectation in mind.

“Even if that is true, I held off until she was twenty-one, I should be nominated for saint hood.”

“Jesus, dude.”

“What?” I shrug. “I’m lucky. There are motherfuckers out there old and craggy who’ve never experienced an ounce of what we have with Cora and Rowan.”

“Truth,” he agrees. “You ready to tell me what the f**k is going on with the club now?”

I nod. I knew this was coming. “We’re battening down the batches, brother. Revenge is coming, and we want to be ready for blowback. First, we need to let them get antsy.”

“It’s been months, since they hit us and Rufus went into that coma, so how long are we going to wait?”

“Not sure. We got some bitches on the inside feeding us information. When Dad thinks the time is right, we’ll strike.”

“I want to be here for that,” Danny says.

“Consider it done.”

“So, you and Cora?”

“Rocky road, man that s**t with Reaper getting hit and hospitalized f****d her up bad. It’s like she wants to live inside this shell and not get too deep with anything. One minute, I break through to her and the next, we’re backsliding. It’s frustrating as hell.” I take my doctored coffee, stir it with a spoon and take a sip, welcoming the rich taste.

“It’s not surprising after something like that. Maybe she should see a shrink or something.”

I snort. “If I thought she’d go and it’d help I would say yes. I think it’s just something she has to work through, we have to.” I grip the handle of the mug tight and it snaps. “Shit.”  Hot liquid dribbles onto the floor and I place it in the sink.

“Dal?”

I glance up at him. “I can’t lose her or R2, Danny. They’re my f*****g life. I’d leave this s**t all behind if I had to—just to keep them.”

His jaw drops.

It sounds insane. I was raised in this and I spent most of my adult life bending over backward to be the perfect rider for my father. It used to mean the world. Then Cora and I happened. She’s the only person who sees me for me. I never have to pretend or be more than what I am with her. It’s rare and it’s everything I never realized I needed or wanted until I got it.

“There’s no way you’d ever lose Cora. She’s been in love with you since she was thirteen.”

His words reassure me. There are days I fear I’m fighting a losing battle. When the girl I knew is hidden so firmly behind her defenses, I wonder if she’ll ever return to me. Having Reaper in limbo makes it harder. There’s no closure and with every visit, she relives that moment. I take a deep breath.

“She’s worth the fight too, isn’t she?” Danny says.

“Always.”

Present.

My stomach rolls. I stumble out of bed into the bathroom and dry heave. I left that behind. I damaged the beautiful woman I only so recently help put back together. How can I justify that? Why is my pain greater than what she went through? The questions swirl around in my head and I still have no answers. The self loathing of the past rears its ugly head. I don’t know who I am without my father and the thing I fear most is becoming the failure he always claimed I was. I strip down and climb into the shower with only two things on my mind, food and the road. The only thing that helps is being on the back of my bike where I don’t have to think, where I can outrace the demons in my mind.