Always

In My Veins

In My Veins

Cora

I want to lean on Danny like I always do. He’s always been the one who makes s**t right when Dallas can’t, or won’t. My man is a stubborn asshole and while he bends for me as much as he can. It’s not always enough. That’s the thing about loving someone down to the core of your being. You take more than you should. I ball my fists and turn to glance back at Houdini, who’s been all but forgotten. “Thank you,” I mouth.

He gives a nod of his head and drifts away, blending into the crowd gathered outside. He’s like a f*****g ghost.

I know I hurt Danny when I told him I’d be taking care of myself, but the rules have changed now. In the blink of an eye, you can be tossed aside and left to fend for yourself. I’ve been tested, and before, I believed it always worked itself out. Right now, I’m all out of faith. Silently, I mourn the loss of the man who’d been my champion. For so long, Danny had been my shelter. The shoulder I cry on when Dallas hurts me, because Danny understands what it is to be on the receiving end of Dallas’ hurtful decisions and sharp tongue. I don’t know how to give my heart out in half measure. Those I love have the potential to cause great damage, so I choose wisely…carefully. But Dallas never did take no for an answer. So, I imagine any attempt at guarding would’ve been useless anyways. I let him go once—I can do it again. I’m taken back to the day what seems like another life ago, when I was left to deal alone.

Past

 “What am I going to do without my shield, baby?” I whisper into Danny’s ear, kissing his right temple. He smells like sandalwood and male, and I want to crawl inside him and live for awhile.

“Always a call away, Co, I will drop anything to get here.”

His husky response soothes me. With him and Rowan headed up north to school to earn their Bachelor’s degrees, it’ll be me and Dallas alone for the first time. I’m not sure how it’ll work, and it terrifies me. Disgusted by my needy selfishness, I pull the tattered edges of myself together and run my fingers through his hair, the way I know Danny loves. “Love you,” I say forcing back the sadness. When you grow up in a world where all you have is each other, separation anxiety takes on a whole new meaning. It doesn’t help that I’m the baby of the bunch and have always been treated as such. My club moniker is Baby Girl for Pete’s sake.

“Love you too, honey,” Danny says with a smile.

I can do this…I have to. I’m a f*****g Curtis and the glue that bonds us. Time to accept my role fully. It was no secret Rule and my dad, Rufus were grooming me to be the next den mother. With the Pres, Rule, a consummate bachelor since his old lady died from cancer and my mother long gone after I hit five, when she decided she’d had enough of the life, I was the logical option. As the daughter of the VP, people came to me for the small s**t already, anyways. Danny pulls out, and I’m already mourning his absence.

He rolls onto his side and slides his finger inside, stirring juices. “I want to stay inside you tonight, Co. Can I do that?”

“Dallas?” I whisper, quick to seek permission. I never want to do anything that’ll cause dissention between us. Our playing is a carefully orchestrated symphony. We keep things open, honest and structured. It’s rare that Danny or Dallas find their release inside the opposite partner, but tonight is a special occasion.

“Yeah, it’s okay. Let baby brother linger before he leaves.” Dallas’ voice rumbles in his chest.

I can hear the tinge of sadness that others might miss. I’ve always been the Dallas whisperer, able to hear all the words he can’t force past his voice box. Perhaps, that’s why I continue to forgive him. He had it rough being not only the President’s son, but surrogate father to Danny. My gaze locks with Danny’s and we have one of the silent conversations that tend to drive, Dallas crazy. Danny conveys one crucial message. It’ll be hard, but we’ll make it because together, we can do anything and he’d never leave me if he weren't one hundred percent certain I’d be all right.

As the baby of the group, I’m protected. Our relationship built upon and born from that one simple fact. You don’t f**k with me. It’s not that I can’t defend myself. I can put someone on their ass and cut you to ribbons with` my tongue if need be…I just never get the opportunity. I was twenty-one when I lost my virginity to Dallas, but I was the same age when he broke my heart the first time and Danny lost it.

Three Years earlier

It was Dallas’ first big ride since we’d been together. They’d be leaving for a couple of months. My stomach twists into knots. I shift my weight. Fears rush in and threaten to buckle my knees. Would he be okay? I wasn’t sure what their business was, but I knew from the hardware they packed and the whispered conversations, it was heavy. p***y on the road concerned me also. Dallas had a hell of a lot more experience than I did and I occasionally, wonder if he misses the whores and their myriad bags of tricks.

“What are you doing over there, Cora? Come kiss your man goodbye.”

Dallas’ voice drags me back to the moment. I force a smile as I bound over and wrap my arms around him, inhaling his masculine scent.

“Don’t worry I’ll be okay,” he says.

“I know,” I whisper, offering up the biggest smile I can muster. I never like it when the guys do runs. It’s a part of this life you never really get used to, but you learn to deal with.

“Maybe she should worry. Baby Curtis can’t please you right, and I know the stops you’ll be making along the way. We used to have some good times back then, didn’t we?” Jo, the bleach-blonde w***e of Babylon purrs.

I grit my teeth, not about to let her get under my skin

“Shut your mouth, b***h!” Dallas spits.

My confidence shrinks. I know she used to be a regular in his revolving door. It takes its toll being around all the women he’s f****d. They’re all so thin, pretty and seductive. I look down at my worn jeans and band t-shirt. I might as well be wearing a burlap sack.

“Get the f**k out of here,” Dan growls, stalking up with Rowan at his side.  

Rowan glares at Jo who holds up her hands.

I’m grateful for their intervention. When it comes to this s**t I’m out of my depth. I don’t do catty and I have no ammunition. Jo’s right. I haven’t spread my legs for the Wesson population, and I’m more than okay with that. Dallas claims to be also, but a woman worries.

“I just thought she should know.” Jo sashays off.

For a minute, my stomach churns.

“Oh, come on Cora! I know you aren’t f*****g listening to her. When are you going to put trust in me? I’m trying to wait for you to catch up, but you aren’t moving fast enough. You plan on being with me, you need to trust me and toughen up,” Dallas seethes. His green eyes flash with anger.

 I know I just hit a sensitive spot. He wasn’t the impenetrable tank he liked everyone to believe he was. I knew this, but on the heels of the attack from Jo, his harsh words are salt in a fresh wound. I tense in his arms and pull away, mentally and physically. He lets his arms fall to his sides and he sneers. I’ve seen Dallas pissed plenty of times, but rarely is it ever directed at me.

“Stand the f**k down you asshole.” Danny steps in front of me and shoves Dallas back. “I told you she’d need a delicate touch. She’s f*****g new to this. Unlike you, she hasn’t been through the paces with other men. There’s a gap there and it’s not her fault. You popped off on your whores, but I’ll be damned if you do the same with Baby Girl. ”

“Oh, you’re going to tell me how to treat my lady?” Dallas barks.

“When you’re f*****g up, you’re damned right I will. Cora isn’t just yours Dallas. She’s been ours her entire life, and if you can’t take care of her I will. Use this ride to get your head together, ‘cause if you ever come at her like that again, I will break your ass in two before Reaper can get a chance to.” Danny wraps an arm around my waist. “Come on baby.” He guides me out of the silent clubhouse.

 I hold my tears back until he steers me into his room. The hiccups break free and tears run down my face, declaring me the child Dallas accused me of being. My chest aches along with my head. Dallas splits me in two. I want to lash out at him, wipe the smug expression off his face and go for the jugular. But I know he comes from a place of hurt and I don’t want to add to that. I’ve always been the one person he comes to for unconditional love. How can I stop that now?

“Shhh.” Dan places kisses on my face as Rowan rubs my back. “This ain’t on you, baby. This is my brother in his f*****g head. He’s got self-hatred that spills over at the wrong time. It’s not you and you know it. We’ve seen it our whole lives.”

“H-he’s—right,” I whisper. “That’s why it hurts. I should trust him more. I know what this life is like. I’ve lived it, but being in it on a personal level is hard. Seeing the faces of the women he’s f****d and the way their eyes follow him. They’re sharks in the water, waiting for a sign of blood, so they can circle and come in for the kill.”

“You think he wants any of those bitches when he has you?” Danny asks, grabbing my arm.

“No. I don’t really, but it doesn’t change the way I feel.” I shrug. “No woman wants to feel like she’s second best to her man.”

“f**k him,” Rowan seethes. She captures my face between her hands. “You are beautiful, f*****g perfect. He’s lucky to have you. Right now, he’s not even fit to lick your boots.” She frowns. “This bullshit is why Reaper won’t give his blessing.” Rowan shakes her head and looks at Danny. “Your brother needs to grow the f**k up.”

“Oh, Ro.” I close my eyes tight. “I’m so—so stupid.” My body shakes with the sobs I’m trying to control and tamp down. “I’m f*****g this up. I waited so long for this and I’m going to ruin it, because I have no clue what I’m doing.” I shake my head. “Or maybe, I’m really just not enough. God, we shouldn’t have started this. If this goes sour, we’ll ruin everything.”

At Dan’s growls, I jump.

“Don’t you ever let me hear you say that again, Cora.” He kneels down in front of me. “You and Rowan are my everything, I would do anything to see you smile and so would Dallas. For all his callous behavior, he loves you with everything that’s him. You know we’re all a little f****d up. He’s no different. This transition isn’t easy on him either. I’m not defending him. I’m just being real, Baby Girl.”

His words penetrate deep and I nod. I’d been so lost in my own adjustment I hadn’t given a thought to him. He’d never done serious either. “You’re right. This is new for him too, isn’t it?”  The crushing weight on my chest eases.

“Exactly.” Danny smiles. “We’re going to take care of you while he’s gone and when he gets back you can decide if he’s worth it to you.”

“It’s not that simple,” I admit, ready to come clean with the secret that’s been eating away at me. It’s not something I’d drop on Dallas before he leaves and the secret has me on edge and touchy

“Why not baby?” Rowan asks, narrowing her eyes.

“Because he…” I swallow. “…I might be pregnant.”

The blood leaves Dan’s face and he goes stock still. “I’m going to kill that son of a bitch.”

The roar of bikes outside wounds me. He’s not even going to try to patch this up.

“Honey, what kind of birth control have you been using?” Rowan whispers.

I hesitate. It sounds so stupid to say out loud. We know each other inside and out and I know any accident would be welcome.

“Cora.” Dan narrows his eyes.

 I sigh. “Pull and pray mostly.”

“Dead!” Dan growls.

“It takes two, Danny.”                 

“How late are you, Cora?” Rowan asks.

“Just a few weeks, I thought maybe it was stress, but there was a time there wasn’t enough pulling and a lot of praying followed.” I shrug. In the heat of the moment, nothing else mattered but his skin on mine and the feel of him moving deep inside me. For the most part, things between us were amazing. Then, we hit these snags.

“Well s**t,” Rowan says. “This isn’t like you, Cora. You don’t leave important things to chance.”

I bow my head and nibble my bottom lip. She’s right. But with Dallas it’s nothing more than inevitable. “I’m not leaving it to chance. It’s just, whether it happens now or in two years, I know this is where I’ll be with Dallas. We both have s**t we need to work on, but there’s no one else for us. There will never be. That’s part of what terrifies me. Him too, I think.”

“Then…you’ve already made up your mind,” Danny says softly.

“What?” I ask totally lost. I turn to look at Rowan.

She shakes her head, shrugging. 

“About if you’re going to stay with him or not. You two are linked now, there’s no way he’s going to let you break that bond. I was stupid to suggest it.” He shakes his head. “Come on, we need to take a trip,” Danny says.

“Where? You’re being spastic,” Rowan says.

“We’re going to get a test. We need to know.” Danny’s eyes dare me to argue.

“But he—shouldn’t I wait?” I ask lamely. My palms are sweaty and my heart’s knocking against my rib cage. Nerves are misfiring and my body is shaking.

“Honey.” Rowan squeezes my hand. “Stop stalling.” Just like that, she is onboard with him. It’s uncanny how they team up to conquer and divide. Damn annoying too.

“If you aren’t, I promise we’ll get you wasted off the good stuff,” Danny suggests. He gives me that deadly, sweet puppy dog eyed look.

I’m instantly slain. Seeing this rugged man soften is a humbling thing of beauty. My lower lip trembles. “Patron?” I ask tentatively, extending the figurative olive branch. I don’t want to fight with them. Right now, they’re all I have and they’re right. So right.

“Yes, my pretty girl,” Dan agrees

“O—okay. Let’s do this.” I take a shaky breath.

Thirty minutes later, I’m wrecked, gutted and I can’t stop crying. Hands on my knees, I sit on the lid of the porcelain toilet, knowing I dodged a bullet when the stick didn’t turn pink. What the f**k would I do with a baby right now? We’re still too new.

“Are you upset it’s negative?” Rowan asks.

“It feels like a loss. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was excited about the possibility.” I shake my head. “This is why I almost hate him at times. He wraps me up in him and I can’t see anything else.”

“When the time comes you’ll be an excellent mother, but that time can’t be right until you two get your s**t together. You need to be more careful,” Danny urges.

“I hear you and I agree.”

Rowan squeezes my shoulder and I lean against her and smile.

“Good, now clean up and you girls get prettied up. I’m taking my best girls out on the town.”

True to his word, Danny took us out that night and every other one after. I wasn’t blind to his plan of distraction. Between him and my last semester of school, I didn’t have much time to fret over Dallas. He still occupies a giant chunk of my thoughts, but the depression can’t set in when I refuse to slow down and let it. There’s been little to no contact from him. It’s something I’m not going to let slide when he comes home.

Rowan pulls up in front of the gate as I ride b***h and my heart races.

There’s a shiny row of bikes being cleaned by the prospects.

“They’re back.”

Joy, anger and apprehension come together inside me, creating the beginnings of a storm.

“You ready to see your boy?” Rowan asks

“I don’t know if that title is even accurate,” I glance down at my lap. “He’s been distant and brief since he left.”

A prospect jogs over and pulls the gate open, letting us in.

Rowan snorted. “Are you kidding me? Off or on, happy or pissed off, Dallas Wesson could only ever be yours Baby Girl.”

“Come on Irish, he’s a wanderer.” I glance over, taking in the porcelain skin dotted with freckles, and large blue eyes that earned her the nickname Irish when we were kids.

“No, he was until you were old enough to f**k with. I saw it the minute you turned fourteen and grew a rack. He tried to keep the s**t under lock and key, but I’m damn observant.”

“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “Maybe I don’t live up to the girl he placed on a pedestal.”

She huffs. “Stop. Girl you need to fully realize your power. You’re the one in control honey. Trust me.”

I sigh. “Maybe.”

“No maybe, you ready for this? I can run interference, take you home?”

“No. It’s time.” I say, ready to be brave and go head to head with the stubborn ass. I wouldn’t let all of Danny’s hard work go to waste. He tried to be slick, but I noticed the pep talks, extra attention and confidence boosts. My boy bestie has never let me down. I wouldn’t let him down now by being a chicken s**t. Growing pains were a b***h. When I grew a pair and entered my relationship with Dallas, I changed our dynamic.

“Look at you growing up and shit.”

“Shut up, Rowan. I’m nervous as fuck.”

She chuckles. “Don’t be.” Reaching over the console she pushes up my breasts and tucks my hair behind my ear. “Your cleavage alone in that tank is going to slay him after a month long road trip and those jeans make your ass look fantastic.” 

I beam. Her words are a much needed boost.

“You’re beautiful Baby Girl, time to own that shit.”

I nod, taking a deep breath and lean in, hugging her tight. “Love you, Irish.”

“I love you too, Baby Girl.”

We pull apart and leave the car, slipping out into the bright sunlight. I square my shoulders, hitch my backpack up and walk inside…ready for battle. 

The tension is so thick I could gag on it. The men stand around looking anywhere but at the bar, which means someone is having it out.

I sigh. They always got testy on the road.

“You coming to me like this when I get off the road, offering up disrespect?”

I’d know Dallas’ voice anywhere.

“You’re the one in the wrong,” Danny booms.

“f**k, they’re at it again.” My breath hitches in my chest.

“What, Irish isn’t enough…you want to hone in on my territory?”

Stools hit the ground. I dart away from Rowan and wave my way through the rows of thick bodies blocking my view.

“Take this s**t out back and hash it out!” Rule booms.

Panic sets in. I’ve seen the after effect of their talks before. It’s not a pretty sight. I fight my way to the bar in time to see the door that leads out the back slam shut.

“Let ‘em go Baby Girl,” Rule catches me around the waist.

I look up into his brown eyes and frown. “No, this is about me. I’m not going to let them do this.”

“He ain’t wrong, little one, Dallas was out of line,” Rule says, “Better Danny set him straight than your Papa over there.” Rule nodded toward Rufus leaning against the bar silently fuming.

“Rule please?” I plead with him. “I don’t want this on my conscience.”

Rule sighs. “Damn, you and Irish are going to be the death of me. Thank f**k, no one else had girls.”

I flash him a smile and run off. Pushing the door open, I stumble out back into the heat.  

“You f**k her with no protection! You could get her pregnant.” Dan shoves Dallas.

He holds his ground and balls up his fists. “I’m going to give you one chance to stand down little brother.” Dallas’ jaw ticks and his eyes flash with anger.

When he’s truly furious he goes still. I know if he explodes right now, he’s going to hurt Danny. Danny has a good three inches on his older brother, but Dallas is meaner.

“No! How could you be so stupid?” Danny continues.

“That s**t was intentional you ignorant son of a b***h. Cora is mine. I own that s**t. I want my name tattooed on her flesh, my kid in her belly and my cut on her back, and I want that s**t yesterday.”

His words silence Danny.

I gasp, completely shocked by his admittance. “Fuck.” Suddenly, the pieces fall into one whole picture. He didn’t push me away because he was pissed. He feels scared and uncertain. Happiness expands inside me like a helium filled balloon.

“You want to knock her up, but you don’t want to tell her you plan on doing it.” Danny hisses. He already did. That first day when he told me he wanted everything. My head spins.

“This is between us,” Dallas growls. The veins in his muscles pop out and his forehead is wrinkled.

“What if she’s not ready for this?” Danny seethes. The tension in his body is ringing alarm bells.

“She agreed to it when she said yes to being my old lady.” Dallas stares down his brother and it’s like he expands.

The air around him becomes crowded and I sense the deadly violence he’s capable of, creeping to the surface.

“She’s not! You know her dad won’t allow that until she’s eighteen.”

I rush forward, inserting my body between them. “This is why you were upset?” I ask capturing Dallas’ gaze with mine. “Because you think I doubted you?”

“f**k, yes, Cora.” His shoulders relax and he steps forward, framing my face with his hands. “We’re forever. Not a damn thing could ruin this between us. You have to know that. I could give a f**k about anyone else.” He shakes his head. “I expect this s**t from everyone else, not from you. Never from you. You’ve seen inside me I let you in my head. I told you when we started I wanted it all. You don’t get to renege now, because the waters are deep.”

I cover his hands with my own. “I’m sorry Dallas. You’re a lot to handle and so is your past.”

“You knew what you were getting into with me babe. I can’t go back in time.”

“I know, and I’m not asking you to. But it doesn’t’ make it easier to deal with.”

“Babe, you outrank all of those bitches. You want them gone…say the word. If what you’re wanting is out of this…we have a problem. ‘Cause, I’ll tell you right now babe that s**t isn’t going to happen.” Dallas shakes his head.

“No, I don’t want out.” I struggle to put into words the things going on in my crowded mind. Tied up in knots I try to articulate the kaleidoscope of emotions he creates.

“f**k, you’re an idiot.” Danny says. “She needs you to slow down the asshole. You been out there with those f*****g whores so long, you forgot how to treat a lady.” He turns on his heels and begins to walk off, then he halts. “And hey, here’s a thought, ask her what she wants before you start working on a future,” Danny yells over his shoulder.  

Dallas palms my ass, pulling me up against the hard bulge in his jeans. “We got plans you and I, Baby Girl. Five kids, four boys and one girl to satisfy your need for estrogen. A wedding like this club has never seen the minute you hit eighteen, and you on the back of my bike riding b***h forever.”

“I…” My mouth went dry. “That’s a lot.”

“Oh, I’ve had years to think about this sweetheart. I wanted you when my sick ass shouldn’t have. I can’t wait any longer.” He ran his thumb over my bottom lip. “See, I’ve been holding back, but I see now that’s not the right way to handle you. It’s left you unsure of my true feelings. You want the full Dallas Wesson experience, you got it.”

The words were a balm to my battered pride. I lick my lips. I want this with him. I want the crazy, the all consuming stomach fluttering love. “I want this with you Dallas. I want all of it, but you can’t talk to me the way you did. You made me feel like I was some sort of club w***e. There was no discussion, no meeting in the middle, just you cutting me down, walking off and leaving.”  

“I never said you were. This s**t ain’t easy for me, Cora. I’m not good at emotion and sharing. f**k, it makes my brain melt. I f**k up everything I touch and I can’t do that with you.” His hands slide up from my ass to grip my hips. “If you leave me, I’ll lose my s**t, baby.”

Seeing him so open and vulnerable made all the pain he’d caused disappear. I slid my fingers into his shaggy road hair and raise up on tiptoe to kiss him. “And I get that. I respect you for being honest. But if you want us to work, you have to come correct.” I shake my head. “I’ve seen too many women lose themselves in Wesson men. I won’t be among the nameless faceless added to that pile of decaying bones. I deserve better and you know it.”  

“I f****d up and I knew it. But once the s**t was in play I couldn’t back step.” He shakes his head. “It won’t happen again.”

“It better not.”

He bends down, sealing our agreement with a kiss.

Present

Too bad hindsight is twenty—twenty. I should’ve known then that s**t couldn’t last. The memories show me how weak I’ve been. No more. I shake my head, shrugging off the memory residue. He broke his promise today when he rode off without a damn word. Why should I honor mine any longer? Anger rises and I cling tight to it, allowing it to propel me forward. Because if I stop right now and think of all I’ve lost—I’m going to break.