TOTS: The One That Stays

Kabanata 9: Glimpse

Saturday afternoon. I sat cross-legged on my bed, laptop open, trying to finish a client’s presentation. Pero honestly? Focus was imposible. Every few minutes, my thoughts wandered back to Adrian—the way he was so simple and natural sa grocery earlier, yung tawa niya kasama si Trina, yung effortless connection niya with Mom. I shook my head and typed random sentences just para mukhang busy.

“Focus, Maya. Work muna. He’s just… part of the scenery tonight,” I muttered to myself. Pero kahit anong pilit ko, the memory of him laughing with my family lingered. Walang agenda, walang tension. And weirdly… it made my chest ache a little.

Trina barged in carrying a half-empty bag of chips. “Maya, you’re really ignoring me ah. And your laptop looks like it’s glued sa lap mo. Come on, take a break!”

I groaned, stretching. “Trina, busy ako. Can’t you see?”

She rolled her eyes dramatically. “Busy thinking about who—I mean about what?”

I froze mid-type. “Wha—Trina! Shut up!”

She smirked, plopping beside me. “Girl, come on. You were looking at him in the supermarket like… I dunno, parang nakita mo yung puppy mo ulit.”

I buried my face in my hands. “Okay fine. Maybe… medyo curious lang. Pero focus na talaga ako, promise.”

Trina laughed and nudged my arm. “Sure, sure. Sana lang next time, wag ka masyadong ma-heartbroken ulit. He’s back, Maya, and I’m happy that you’re finally back in your real self but at the same time worried that you’re acting like nothing happened. Don’t forget why you were hurt before.”

I sighed, closing the laptop for a moment. Hindi ko na kayang balik-balikan every detail ng past, pero the truth is, the memory of that day—five years ago—still burned fresh.

The day Dad passed… Cardiac arrest, sudden, walang warning. I was about to tell Adrian, to tell him how scared I was, how broken I felt, pero bago ko pa nagawa… he sent the message to end things.

“We can’t do this anymore.”

I had been too heartbroken to argue. Too shocked to even beg him to stay. But how could I? My dad had just died, and my world collapsed. Dalawang tao ang nawala sa akin that day—Dad and Adrian. And that pain, that heartbreak, it never really went away. Even now, five years later, I could still feel it stabbing at me whenever I remembered.

And now… he’s back. Five years later. He’s in Manila, laughing with my sister, helping Mom, just being Adrian. Does he even know what happened five years ago? Does he even remember how it felt for me to lose my dad and then be left by him, too?

or does he even know that my dad passed away the day he decided to end things between us? maybe...

He is.

I chewed on my lip, glancing at my phone. No new messages. No pressure. Just the quiet echo of the afternoon. I tried to force myself back into work—opening the presentation again, clicking through slides—but my hands hesitated. Every time I typed, I pictured Adrian’s grin, the way his eyes softened when he looked at Mom, the way Trina laughed beside him.

“Okay, deep breaths,” I whispered to myself, standing and stretching. Maybe a break would help. I grabbed my sketchpad and colored pencils, doodling while thinking of nothing important. Just lines, shapes, and the quiet hum of the apartment.

Half an hour later, Mom peeked in. “Maya, dinner’s almost ready. And maybe you can sit with us? Trina’s asking about your day.”

I nodded, smiling faintly. “Sure, Mom.”

At dinner, it was just us again—Mom, Trina, me. But even without Adrian around, I felt his presence linger from earlier. Trina kept teasing me. “So… Mr. Past or Mr. Safe? Which one did you miss more today?”

I groaned. “Trina! Stop it! I’m just… thinking.”

“Uh-huh, thinking. About what?” she prodded.

“Life,” I muttered, taking a bite. “Work. Family. You know… normal things.”

But even as I said that, I caught myself smiling faintly, remembering how Adrian carried Mom’s groceries, how he joked with Trina, how natural he was. For a moment, I almost forgot why I had been hurt so deeply. Almost.

After dinner, I helped clear the table. Trina ran off to her room, humming, and Mom patted my shoulder. “You’re quiet tonight, Maya. Everything okay?”

I hesitated. “Yeah… I guess. Just… processing, I think. Five years… a lot has changed, Mom. And some things haven’t.”

She nodded knowingly. “Some wounds take time to heal. And some people… they come back when the timing is right. Just be honest with yourself.”

I swallowed. How do I even start being honest with myself after everything? After five years of pretending I was fine, after losing Dad and being left by someone I loved?

Later that night, I curled up on the sofa, sketchpad in hand but untouched. My mind replayed everything—the past heartbreak, Dad’s last moments, Adrian leaving, the years of silence, and now… his casual presence today.

I tried to focus on doodling, but even the lines I drew felt shaky, reflecting the jumble in my heart. I realized healing wasn’t just about forgiving him. It was about forgiving myself, too—for the anger, the grief, the guilt of feeling abandoned while grieving my dad.

Trina had a point. I could live in the present without letting the past dictate every thought, but the pull of familiarity was strong. Adrian wasn’t just a memory—he was part of the rhythm of my life, someone intertwined with my family, with my history, and with me.

I exhaled slowly, staring at the ceiling. Tomorrow, I’d get back to work, emails, client calls. I’d focus on what I could control.

But tonight… tonight, I let myself feel the quiet pull of nostalgia, the subtle warmth of familiarity, and the bittersweet ache of remembering that Adrian, despite everything, had always been part of our lives.

And maybe… just maybe, I was ready to let that memory coexist with the present, without letting it break me all over again.

Because healing wasn’t about forgetting. It was about surviving. About laughing with Trina, helping Mom, finishing work on time, taking walks, making coffee, drawing doodles, and letting life exist around the edges of the ache.

Adrian didn’t need to be fixed today. I didn’t need to be fixed today. All I needed was this—the ordinary. The normal. And somehow, letting myself enjoy it, even with the lingering presence of him in my thoughts, felt… enough.

I closed the sketchpad, took a deep breath, and smiled faintly. For once, I felt like I could coexist with the past without letting it consume me. I could breathe. I could work. I could laugh. I could survive. And maybe… the future, whatever it held with Adrian, could wait until I was ready.