101 Ways To Tame The Emperor

Chapter 18: The Ghosts Of The Past

“WE CAME back safely, Mama-“ I stopped midway when my mother suddenly slapped me. I was stunned.

“Why did you let your little sister get hurt? You are so irresponsible, Sabina!” She howled before embracing Gracey, my seventeen-year-old half-sister.

Gracey got kidn*pped on her way to meet her friends at the club. She had a driver-c*m-bodyguard but she escaped because she knew that Mama would not allow her in places like that. Aside from that, she was still a minor. But she was stubborn.

Mama called me for the first time last night and asked for my help. Since I was assigned in Laguna, the province where they live, my superior granted me permission to work with the secret armed forces to help retrieve my sister. Her kidnappers were not easy opponents. Before Gracey, there were previous reports about the missing women in the province but they had not been caught since the cops believed that they were working under a very influential man who backs them up.

It took us several hours before we were able to trace Gracey’s location. And when we did, we did not waste any more time and attacked their hideout right away. In the end, we were able to save my sister but most of us got injured in the encounter. My superior commanded me to go straight to the hospital after the operation but I insisted to personally send my sister home first.

I was hoping I could talk to Mama, too. I thought that we could finally have some time together now that she called me first. Maybe we could even have dinner together this time.

But all that was just wishful thinking.

“Anak ko… I’m sorry. You must have suffered so much.” Mama said with tears in her eyes while checking on Gracey. She only had a few scratches on her face and hands but Mama was already that worried about her. I had a gunshot wound on my left leg and was stabbed on my upper back but I supposed Mama will never look at me the way she would at Gracey, her beloved daughter. A scratch mattered more in her eyes.

“I will be leaving now, Mama. Rest well, Gracey. Please take care and… good night.” I told them before walking away. But no one seemed to hear what I said. No one answered. I doubt if anyone even noticed that I left. They were now so busy in their own world.

I was surprised when I saw Polo, my friend and comrade, waiting at the gate. I glanced away when I saw the pity in his eyes.

“I knew this would happen that’s why I followed you here. Get in the car quickly, Sab. You look so pale now. I will take you to the hospital. You need to get treated as soon as possible.”

I did not say anything else. I went in the passenger seat and closed my eyes. In my head, I could still see Mama’s worried face upon seeing the tiny scratches on Gracey’s hands that must have been because of the rope the kidnappers used to tie her. When… when will Mama ever look at me that way? I feel too sad and lonely but I could not cry. Was it because of the slap? My face feels numb. Or was it because I was too used to this?

Then and now, I could go against criminals. I could go against many people. But I could never go against my own parents.

Mama, I’m your daughter, too. And Mama, I’m hurt, too. I wanted to say those words earlier. But will that make a difference? It might make me appear more pathetic in their eyes.

“Frankly, I don’t know why you still associate yourself with those kinds of people, Sab. I don’t get it. They are your family but they never treated you like one. You just saved your haughty sister’s ass. Did she ever stop to thank you? How about your mother? You look like hell. Did she know that you could die any minute now because of your injuries? Did she even notice how badly wounded you are?” Polo nagged again. “Damn it, Sab! You are bleeding a lot! You could have at least allowed the medics to put a bandage on your wounds before leaving earlier, you dummy!”

“I had no time. Mama called me several times. She wanted me to personally bring back Gracey.”

“To hell with that! You could have sent someone else to do that for you! Are you that desperate to die for you to do this?”

“Just drive, Polo. Please.” I said in a low voice.

“Why, Sab?” He asked in a voice filled with agony. “Why do you do this? Why do you let yourself suffer like this?”

I woke up feeling sweaty all over. It was only when I saw Matilde peacefully sleeping beside me did I realize that I was no longer in my world. My chamber was too big for me that two more four-poster beds could fit in it and still have plenty of space left that’s why I asked Matilde to sleep with me tonight. She was against it at first but when she thought that someone could possibly stab me while I’m sleeping made her agree. If not for her wild imagination, I would have woke up and felt lonelier.

The room was nice and comfortable. It had a wonderful floral scent in it, too. It had all the things I need. It had a wardrobe as big as my room in the manor and it had all the dresses and gowns that I would need in the following days. According to Mrs. Rembrant, those dresses were custom-made by the Emperor’s personal tailor and that they were supposed to be His Majesty’s gifts to the woman he adores.

Yet, I will end up wearing them one of these days. It was a shame. But she said I could use them so I will since I only have a few decent clothing with me. Although what Mrs. Rembrant said had me thinking for quite a while now. If the Emperor had a woman he likes, why didn’t he just marry her instead of having a stranger enter his Castle?

Ah, never mind. I shouldn’t be too nosy about other people’s affairs. Over all, I like the room. Its only flaw was that it was too feminine for me. The wallpapers were pink, so were the carpet, the curtains, the pillows, and the bed sheets. Even the divan was pink, too. There were also lots of pink large teddy bears around. There were pink roses on the crystal vase, too. There were so much pink that looking at them hurts my eyes. I don’t really have a favorite color but pink was just too much for someone like me.

I sighed before quietly getting up, careful not to wake Matilde. When I looked at the pink alarm clock on the bedside table, I noticed that it was only two-thirty in the morning. But I don’t think I could sleep anymore. I put on my robe under my nightgown and went to the balcony barefooted.

I looked up at the starless sky. Before I knew it, my tears began falling down.

The tears that I tried so hard to hold back at the carriage yesterday all came rushing like waves this morning. I’ve been too busy for the past weeks that it was just starting to sink in to me now that I really… died in my world. I died with all these pent-up emotions inside me.

Now that I think about it, aside from Polo and a few friends, no one else would grieve for me and would miss me there. Right now, Matilde was with me. But if I’m not using Catherine’s body, if she did not happen to see her precious Catherine in me, would she still care for me? Would she even look at me? I smiled bitterly as tears kept flowing out.

Mama, it’s been two weeks since my death there. Did you ever stop to think of me even just once? I wonder how you reacted when you found out the news. Did you cry? How about Papa? Did he even come for me?

I shook my head and covered my face with my hands. “Come on, Sab. That’s impossible. You should have known where you stand in their lives. You were never important to your family in the first place.” I reminded myself for the hundredth time.

I know all that. I know… but it still hurts so much.

I wanted to scream at them right now and tell them that I’m alive but would they hear me? And if they do, would they give a damn? My parents were never in love with each other. They were just forced to marry each other for political reasons. It was an arranged marriage. But a year after I was born, my father which was the town mayor at the time had a mistress. Mama used it as an excuse to escape from their marriage and demanded an annulment which the Mayor agreed because he had fallen in love with his mistress. Their parents wanted them to stay together but the two refused to listen anymore.

No one from my parents wanted to keep me since both of them wanted to start afresh. My grandparents from my father’s side butted in. They were the ones who raised me. They were polite but they were cold people. I would only get to see them during meal time. They showered me with gifts and with luxury. I guess it was their way of showing affection. I remember only admiring Grandpa’s stallion one time. The next morning, someone delivered two horses in our farm house for me. But that was just it. It was my Nanny who was always with me.

After two years, Papa married his mistress. A year after that, Mama had found a man to love. They both had their own families now. Papa had two sons and Mama had another daughter. They both became happy. I used to write them letters when I was a child but those letters were never answered. When I was a teenager, I would call them on every important occasion but they rarely answer.

Mama was always in a hurry to drop the call while Papa was too busy in his political career. He was a Senator before I ‘died’. Sometimes, we would see each other every Christmas since my grandparents would invite them over including Mama. The old couple still had a nice relationship with Mama even after their son’s marriage with her failed. But I never really had the chance to talk to any of my parents. It was like they completely did not want to have anything to do with me. Maybe they were afraid of being reminded of how miserable their marriage was through me.

Most of the time, I would see them on TV since Mama was a well known TV host. I’ve read their amazing family stories on magazines, stories that never included me. I think somehow, my grandparents had an idea about what I feel since they would give me more money every time a happy article about my parents would appear. I guess that’s just how they were. They sucked at comforting people. That was probably the reason why I grew up this way.

My grandfather made me the sole inheritor of all his wealth before he died. And that was a year after I became a soldier. I was thankful but all those wealth made me feel emptier because aside from it, I had nothing more.

I was just faking my confidence this whole time. I’ve been so used to doing it that sometimes, I almost make myself believe it, too. But the truth is, I was lost, too because after all this time, I still don’t know exactly where to belong. Whether I was in my world or in this world, no one really gives a damn. This was one of those rare moments when I wished that Catherine should have just let me die that night. And then maybe these terrible feelings will die with me, too.

Catherine, do you see it now? I am not as strong as you think I am. I’m just like you. I’m weak, too, Catherine. And I’m just as broken as you.