WHERE DO I CRY?

CHAPTER 6: Learning to Sew

I worked hard.

Every morning 7am, before shop open, I swept outside pavement — Salt River pavement has dust, plastic, sometimes puke from night. I swept with Noah on back. Ella helped with small broom Aunty Fatima gave her — pink broom, small.

R80 a day. At end of week, R400 if I work 5 days. Aunty Fatima sometimes gave R480 — she added R20 "for kids."

First Saturday, I took R100 and went to second-hand market in Salt River — the one near station. Second-hand clothes, bales.

I bought Ella a dress — blue, with flowers, R15. Real dress, not torn. I bought Noah two vests, R10 each. For me, I bought roll-on, R8, and small Vaseline, R12. For two years Daniel said I am no longer beautiful. With R12 Vaseline, I rubbed my legs, my elbows. I looked in cracked shop mirror and I saw a little shine again.

Food — we ate at shop. Aunty Fatima gave us bread morning, sometimes leftover curry. With my R80 I bought mealie meal, small, and amasi for Noah.

Aunty Fatima started teaching me.

"Hold scissors like this," she said. She showed me basic — how to cut straight line on cotton, how to thread Singer machine, how to sew hem.

My first hem was crooked. Second better. Third straight.

I was eager to learn, chomi. I wanted to learn fast because learning means not depending on Daniel, not depending on sister.

Ella sat next to machine, watching, saying "Mama you can do it." Noah slept on pile of offcuts — softest bed he had since Berea mattress.

At night, store room, after kids sleep on mattress, I prayed. Every night, same prayer on knees, on thin mattress, with sewing dust on hands.

"God, I left Joburg with R300 cash and Capitec with less than R600 and now R37. I sleep in store room. Help me find Sarah. Help me not go back to Berea. Help me be beautiful again for my kids."

I prayed everyday.

Week two, I made my first thing — small bag from offcuts, for Ella's buttons. Ella carried it like Gucci.

Aunty Fatima said "You learn fast, Amanda."

But about Sarah — losing hope.

I asked every customer "Do you know Sarah Cele? Tall, 31, works with clothes?" Some said yes, many Sarahs. One said she saw her in Mowbray with boyfriend. I went Mowbray Sunday with kids, taxi R15, walked streets, asked shops. No one knew.

I came back, R15 wasted, Noah crying on back, Ella tired.

I sat in store room that night and thought — maybe Sarah doesn't want to be found. Maybe she also thinks I am toxic like Daniel said. Maybe I ran from one man who said I am nothing, to a sister who also thinks I am nothing.

Where do I cry when even your sister doesn't want you?

But I wiped tears, because Ella was watching. I took Singer offcut and sewed again — straight line, straight line — until night.