Fall in love and other problems

Chapter 14: "It is my fault"

POV Cameron

   It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.

   I can't stop thinking about that, it's the only thought that goes through my head, that it's everything, absolutely everything is my fault. For falling in love, for not telling her, for believing that if I was not with her the feeling would evaporate, for not telling her that I would leave, for leaving, for coming back, for talking to her, for not talking to her, for thinking about her, for not thinking about her, for everything.

   We are in the hospital, we arrived immediately but they have not told us absolutely anything about what is happening. April, Denise, Grace and Teo also came, they were the only ones who were not in the house, they were supposed to arrive later so we were all together but it couldn't be. We all miss her, because I was on the other side of the world, but even though they were in the same city, they felt totally far from her, but we didn't think we would see her like that again, I hoped she would be happy to see me.

   An hour or two later a doctor comes to the room where we are all and speaks.

"Relatives of Sara Harris" we all stood up. "Miss Sara Harris had a severe blow to the head when she fell and crawled several meters from the motorcycle. The ambulance arrived about half an hour after a family in a car saw it and called. Sara passed away a few minutes before arriving at the hospital and upon entering here we managed to revive her, but unfortunately after that and at the moment she is in a coma. The truth is that you cannot get to know when she will wake up, this already depends on her. Sara has to be strong, and she is being strong, and you have to be strong for her, okay?" we all agree, no one can get to articulate even a damn word and he leaves.

   Sara's mom and dad and the boys leave a few seconds later following the doctor who came to speak to us. Crying Kiara goes and sits on top of Laura hugging her, while Alexa does the same with David, also crying.

   No one speaks, no one can believe it, we cannot believe what happened, we could never have imagined it, none of this and less with her. This is my fault, I know, I know completely that it is my fault. I left without telling her, I didn't speak to her and then she got angry, but it was still my fault, all of this is.

"She can't have visitors for three days" says Isabella as soon as she comes to us, that shocks me and sticks a thousand knives in my heart, on top of that we can't even go in to see her? I need to see her, I need to see her face, I want to hold her hand and tell her how sorry I am.

"s**t!" I scream as soon as I get up and hit a pineapple on the wall, which hurts but I don't pay attention to the pain. Everyone freaks out a bit but at this moment I don't care about anything, just Sara, and she's there in a hospital room asleep without knowing when or if she's going to wake up.

3 days later

   I walk into the room and see her there, so weak, so vulnerable, so ... different. These three days, these damn three days were the longest days of my entire life, how can they last so long? The slower I wanted it to go, the longer it got. I was not eating much, nor did I sleep for a minute in case at some point they told us something about Sara, anything.

"Sorry for everything, really Sara, sorry for everything, sorry for leaving, sorry for coming back, sorry for leaving you, more than anything sorry for not believing you. Maybe I didn't want to believe you because I needed a reason not to continue in love with you, I needed something to believe that you were not good for me, I needed something, I just needed to get you out of my head. Just sorry, sorry for everything, I feel like I'm rambling and talking anything but sorry, I'm going to tell you a thousand times more".

>> "I need you to wake up, please, Sara, I need you to wake up. You are strong, I know you are, I know you well enough to know that you are not fighting to return, you do not want to return, because if you did, if you did fight I know for sure that you would wake up. I need you and I love you, I need you so much and I love you so much".

>> "Please come back, wake up, for me, for your mom, for your dad, for Alexa, for Kiara, for Laura, for David, for Santiago, for April, for Thomas, for Teo, for Grace, for Denise, for everyone. Please, you have, I really need you. Even if you think not, even if you think I abandoned you because I didn't love you anymore, it's the opposite, I left because I love you too much and I couldn't see how you were with Chad anymore, I couldn't see you two like that".

>> "I hope you are listening but at the same time I hope you are not. I want you to listen to all this because I am speaking without thinking, I am saying everything that I really feel. But at the same time I would not like you to listen because I do not know what you are thinking, I feel that you hate me and that breaks my soul, although I do not blame you because I know that I did you very wrong, because of me you ended up like this and I'm sorry, it never was my intention. In fact I thought you would be glad to see me, the boys were about to go home so we were all together like in the old days but you ran away, why did you run away? Did I hurt you so much?"

>> "I feel so bad, I can't help but think that this is all my fault. I need you to wake up, I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that everything is going to be okay, to tell me that you are going to be okay. I want you to love me, I want you to understand me. I don't understand why you didn't believe me the day I told you that I was also in love with you, why didn't you believe me? What did I do to make you doubt me? I went to tell you to see your reaction, to know what to do if I stayed or left, and since your answer was that, it is clear that I left because you did not even want to see my face".

>> "If you are listening to all this Sara, in addition to thinking that I am talking a lot and wanting me to shut up, can you go back? Tell me to shut up in my face, tell me that you hate me in my face, tell me everything I did to you that made you angry in the face, tell me absolutely everything, but tell me, I need to hear your voice please".

POV Sara

"Young visiting hours are over, you will have to leave and come back tomorrow" another voice is heard that is not known, a voice that is not that of my best friend but that interrupts his, and I think I do not want to for him to leave, I want him to continue here, speaking to me with all his honesty, I want to have him by my side.

   Cameron is right, he knows me, he knows me better than anyone else in the world, I'm not fighting to get back, I'm not fighting because I'm not sure I want to. I listen to everything, absolutely everything, maybe when I wake up I don't remember anything but here we are. Why did i do that? Why did I run away? I panic? I got angry? Why, damn, why did I have to run? I could have stayed, we could have talked, we could have fixed, I could not have crashed, I could not be in a coma, I could ... the word could hurt so much, they are all that could have happened, but no. That's the bad thing about could, sometimes it kills hope, takes away the little confidence in oneself, I can say that I hate that word with all my heart, I want to remove the word “could” from my vocabulary.

   I heard every word from everyone who came in, even from the doctors, but ... why didn't they tell me all this before I went into a coma? Why do people do everything at the last minute? At this moment I remember a phrase that I read some day somewhere, which said "people bring more flowers to the dead than to the living because regret is always greater than gratitude." Although also because of what they say is something they repeat a lot, I did not want help, and it is true, because at no time did I think I needed it, if I was okay.

Clearly you weren't… clearly we weren't.

   I know, unfortunately I am realizing this.