Fall in love and other problems

Chapter 12: "Change"

   Today is not my best day, I hardly slept and I spent it crying. When I first woke up, I did it screaming because I would have had some nightmare which I never had but I don't remember either. Today mom let me skip school because "I feel sick", I don't feel sick but I do feel very bad and I don't want to walk around like a zombie, it was also she who told me to miss it.

   I feel so bad, very bad and it is the truth, only that it is not physical, the state is sentimental. I think I'd rather it hurt because I broke my arm before this. My heart hurts and it's not hypothetically, my heart literally hurts after crying so much.

   One of the most important people in my life left, and I do not speak just because I am in love with him, I say it as a friend, as the friend who was with me all these years, I cannot lose him ... but I already did. I consider that it is worse to lose a person while they are still alive than if you lose them because they die, in the second no one would have a choice, in the first it is by choice and those choices hurt, some have a worse time than others and I feel like I'm going to die, that's why I need to do something.

   Another thing that bothered and hurts me is that none of my brothers, or “friends” asked me how I am doing. Not even a message, a damn message. It's as if nobody cares, it's what they're showing me and it hurts, it does hurt but I don't know what to do. Even though I can actually do whatever I want, who will stop me? If I no longer have that person who would take care of me from doing things that I shouldn't, who would stop me and explain why I shouldn't do it, he was there for and for everything ... for me, he was always there for me, but now no. I will have to get used to this, to Cameron not being there, to not caring anyone, to disappointments I will have to get used to, because I feel that there will not be one, but many more, they are part of life I guess.

   I started listening to music on YouTube and after a while a song appeared in suggestions that really identified me. It's called "I don't know my name" and it's from a singer named Grace VanderWaal.

I don't know my name

I don't play by the rules of the game

So you say I'm just trying (You say I'm just trying)

Just trying

So I heard you are my sister's friend 

You get along quite nicely 

You ask me why I cut my hair

And changed myself completely

I don't know my name

I don't play by the rules of the game

So you say I'm just trying 

Just trying

I went from bland and popular to joining the marching band 

I made the closest friends I'll ever have in my lifetime 

I am lost ... 

Trying to get found

In an ocean of people

Please don't ask me any questions

You won't get a valid answer

I'll just say that 

I don't know my name

I don't play by the rules of the game

So you say I'm just trying

Just trying

I now know my name! 

I don't play by the rules of the game

So you say, I'm not trying 

But I'm trying

To find my way

   I can't go on like this, I can't keep crying every day until Cameron comes back if he ever does. I need a change, I need to really not care about him or anyone else, the only thing that happens is that you will always end up hurt, no matter who it is, you will.

    I think I'm going to start doing things that distract me from everything, I'll start being what you would say a little more fun than normal in my life. I could start tonight because I can't take it anymore, I really can't take it anymore. I don't care what I do, I just want to distract myself and not think about anything, nothing at all. Maybe that's how my stupid crush on my stupid best friend, or ex-best friend rather, will go away.