Chapter 9: "Questions"
2322 Words
Today I woke up very, very early because I slept for 2 or 3 hours no more and when I went downstairs already changed for breakfast my mother was already there.
"You woke up early today".
"Yes" I answer while greeting her. "Breakfast and I go to school".
"But it's too early" she says, raising her eyebrows as if confused.
"I know, nothing happens" I answer hugging her while I pour myself coffee.
"Your brothers haven't got up yet" she sits with me while she talks, we'll have breakfast together apparently.
"I know, mom".
"You're good? You were weird these last days" I was going to answer when my dad came down so I just seat her like I'm fine and at the end of breakfast I greet them and leave.
When I got to the institute there was no one, but better since it would help me to think about what I was thinking last night. I wrote down all my questions in a notebook, weird isn't it? But I want to organize all my thoughts well, all my questions and things that come up.
My questions ... (I need the answers the sooner the better please)
✓ Did I "give up" on Cameron?
✓ Did I ever hope that something between us would happen?
✓ Why do boys go to illegal races?
✓ Why hadn't they told us anything?
✓ How long have they been?
✓ Should I tell the girls?
✓ Will they already know?
✓ Are they just lying to me? Or were they ...
✓ What do I do?
✓ What is happening to me?
✓ Why do I feel like everyone hates me?
✓ Why do people change?
✓ Why am I changing?
✓ WHY ???
I would like to find all these answers with Cameron, with my dear best friend, but apparently he no longer wants to be with me, I want and need to know why, what I did or what he thinks. When the boys arrive, they arrive little by little, first some and then others, they stay where we always put ourselves but something stopped me from going ... or rather someone.
Melanie Griffith. Melanie Griffith was hanging from Cameron's neck as if it were a damn tick, she was spreading kisses all over his face, neck (which bothers me because it is like something ours, although it should not since he does whatever he wants are his girls? "? And when it reaches the lips, he kisses it and Cameron follows, I guess it's kind of obvious if they are something. So I write ...
✓ Does Cameron have a girlfriend?
✓ Is your girlfriend Melanie?
✓ SERIOUSLY ???
✓ Have you already forgotten about me?
✓ Is that why you no longer speak to me? Or rather she
✓ Has she told you not to speak to me anymore?
✓ Why right now?
✓ Will you be with her for a long time? Since when?
I swear that scene broke my heart into twenty thousand tiny pieces, and each one of those pieces broke into another twenty thousand, I think even in China you could hear the "c***k" it made. I guess he should be ready for this by now because at some point he was going to have a girlfriend, or whatever that girl is to him.
When I pay attention to them again and I see that they start to go I start walking towards my motorcycle, I need to go, I can't be here at this moment, I'm not well, I'm not well at all. And I prefer that they do not know
"You're good?" I hear Denise ask near me, I hope she hasn't asked me. I turn around to see who they are talking to but I see that everyone is looking at me, including Cameron, which makes me wonder why some days they are and others not. I nod, smiling as if to say yes, I'm completely fine until my beloved brother speaks.
"Say it out loud" David says looking at me.
"Yes" I answer with a slightly broken voice, which makes me angry for not being able to hide it, because I feel like I have a lump in the middle of my throat and the tears are running down my cheeks, but I'm already on the bike and I start. I hear that they call me but they did not pay attention, I want to be alone ... although to be exact I already feel completely alone.
Already a few blocks from the institute I headed to the place that I already knew I was going to go, I used to go with Cameron, always alone there, it was like our place to de-stress or simply be there looking at the landscape.
When I get to the park I start to sing "Human" by Christina Perri.
I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in very head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human
I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything
I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human
I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human
I can take so much
'Til I've had enough
'Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down 'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human
Still sitting on the grass I feel like they are watching me, that ugly feeling like when you feel like there is a ghost, but clearly there is no ghost so I turn around, and when I do, Chad is leaning against a tree looking at me.
"You sing very beautifully" he says drawing closer to me and scared me, not her presence much but that she heard me sing because I am very ashamed, I never sang in front of anyone, not even Cameron.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in high school?" I ask as defensively, I do not like people to know more about me than I tell.
"I saw your friends in a good mood but you were missing, so I looked for you, just that. Well, I passed by and saw the motorcycle so I assumed you would be here since motorcycles still do not have a mind of their own to come and go alone" I suppose that with the bullshit he said he is trying to raise my humor but hey, I doubt that is possible.
"Ah" is the only thing I can say.
"Let's drink?" I think for a few minutes until I seat, I have nothing to lose and I need some company right now.
"Oh yes please. I'm very hungry" he laughs and I do the same, right now I like him.
"What a beautiful smile Sara" that comment catches me totally off guard, I definitely did not expect it and less coming from him, that is, it is Chad.
Maybe he likes you, and he already lost, and you have a new bike.
HAHAHAHA it's my dream but no, that didn't happen.
"Thanks" I just smile and we get on the motorcycles to go to some coffee.
When we arrived, before ordering Chad went to the bathroom first and without him seeing me, I write more questions.
✓ How did you know where it was? (Chad)
✓ Are you hiding something from me? (Chad)
✓ Were the boys really in a good mood when I left?
✓ Do you lie?
✓ Are you telling the truth?
They bring us the orders and at first we are silent, it looks like yesterday in the pizzeria, until he breaks it.
"You're good?" I nod smiling at his question and he looks at me narrowing his eyes. "I'm seriously asking you, and I know you're lying".
"So if you know how I'm doing, why are you asking me?" I ask him half arrogant, but it bothers me that they assume things about me, that they treat me as a liar and the way he looked at me.
Ah, but everything bothers you.
Yes.
You still have to admit that he is right.
I know.
Decide it.
Not.
Yes.
Well.
Well.
WELL.
"Good that?" Chad asks across the table and hell, I have the art of speaking without thinking, I know, thank you very much.
You're welcome.
You shut up.
Thank you.
"Well you're right. But it seems like a joke that you asked me that. Obviously I'm wrong! How do you expect me to be? After I found out that my brothers and my friends go to illegal races and I did not know it, on top of that my best friend who is the person I trust the most in the world did not tell me" when he said the last, a treacherous tear fell.
"Maybe he's not as much of a friend as you thought".
"Maybe, but it's impossible - I start to think and it can't be, he's my best friend, he's Cameron, we've been Sara and Cameron for as long as I can remember".
"I don't know, I just want you to be well" he sounds sincere when he speaks, so I also smile sincerely.
"Seriously thanks. I'm going to be better now, I know" actually I don't know, but at least I hope so.
Maybe I am making the problem much bigger than it is, maybe this is nothing. They lied, yes, but… but I don't know. I do not like lies.
You don't tell the whole truth either.
If I do, always.
No, not always.
That's a lie.
It's not, when did you tell your dearest best friend that you are in love with him?
But that's completely different, I don't want to ruin a beautiful friendship.
They may have their reasons too.
It may be, but we don't know.
They are talking to you.
Who?
"You're good?" I hear Chad at that moment and nod quickly. "By God, if when you get into your thoughts you do it seriously, you scared me" that makes me laugh.
"Yes yes I'm fine. Sometimes I go like this but it is nothing, I just think a lot and well I put too much in my mind".
"I want to do that" at the moment he says it, he puts his index fingers each at the height of one hundred and it seems as if he wants to move objects with his mind, which makes me burst out laughing and all the coffee looks at me but I dont care. "Don't make fun of me" that just makes me laugh more.
"Don't make fun of me?" I speak between laughs. "You remind me of when I had seen the movie Matilda when I was little and I wanted to move things with my mind".
"Well, I just wanted to get into my mind".
"I know, I don't like it" I start to think about all the times I spoke without thinking and I reaffirm it, I definitely don't like it.
"Why? Why do not you like it? There must be a lot of people who want to do it and can't".
"Because when I get into myself like this, many times I am with people and ..."
"And what does she have?" I look at him badly for having interrupted me.
"And, if you interrupt me, it is difficult for you to find out why" he looks at me with puppy dog eyes, which causes me quite tenderness.
"Sorry".
"Forgiven".
"I continued, I will not interrupt you, I swear" he says I swear as he puts his right hand on his heart.
"Well, when I get lost, this is how I start talking to my conscience, subconscious, I don't know how to tell her, but I call her Sarita. And when that happens it's like I'm not aware of what I say or do, more than anything I say and many times I say things out loud that I'm actually debating with myself inside my head. You understand me?" he stays for a few seconds thinking until he answers me.
"I think so" I laugh at him I think, but I guess I explained it well.
Yes, you explained it well.
Thanks for the compliment.
You're welcome.
"Do you feel at least a little bit better?" he asks me with a smile.
"It could be worse" he looks half discouraged by my response to what I laugh.
"You laugh a lot, seriously, a lot. Why are you laughing now? You look crazy".
"I know, and I laugh at your discouraged face. Yes, the truth is that I feel much better than I was. And the truth did not know that you could become a nice person".
"Hey, I can be many things. I am not unbearable or mean or self-righteous all the time".
"Well, I doubt that. I do think you are unbearable all the time, but not always in a bad way. Do you understand me?"
"And, to be honest, no".
"Well, I do not care".
As I wanted to wait until classes were more or less finished, we sat in the cafe while we continued talking about trivial things and asking for more food such as cake, alfajores or coffee so they wouldn't throw us out.
"You'll be fine?" he asks me when everyone is on her motorcycle and seat smiling. "But tell me".
What have people today with the tell me?
Tell me.
No, enough of telling me, hell.
Hey, I say hell. Got damn.
"Yes, I'll be fine. Thanks for today" I smile at him and he smiles back.
"You're welcome" he winks and leaves, I really like him now.
You like.
Of course I don't like him, I just barely like him.
Well.
Well.
- Writer
