Love Means You

Chapter 5

“SAAN? Bakit? Paanong natakot?” Naguguluhang tanong ni Alj kay Jobz. Ano’ng nakakatakot sa pinagsamahan nila? Or sa kanya ba natakot si Jobz? Wala naman siyang lahing aswang o mamamatay-tao. “Bakit ka natakot?” Very clueless niyang tanong sa lalaki.

“I was scared to be alone again, na iiwan mo din ako.” Tumingin sa malayo si Jobz para makaiwas ng tingin sa kanya.

Hinawakan niya ang ulo ng lalaki at pinaharap itong muli sa kanya. “Harapin mo ako, Jobz. What are you saying? Hindi ko maintindihan.”

Sinubukan niyang muling alalahanin ang naging nakaraan nila, those last few days bago niya maramdaman ang unti-unting pag-distansiya ni Jobz sa kanya.

Masaya naman sila sa tuwing magkausap sila. They didn’t fight over serious things. It’s still a big question for her kung bakit nanlamig si Jobz sa kanya.

Ang inisip na lamang na dahilan ni Alj nang malaman niyang may iba na si Jobz ay baka dahil sa magkalugar lamang ang mga ito. Mas malapit kumpara sa kanya na limang oras na byahe ang pagitan nila. Mababaw kung tutuusin ngunit wala na siyang maisip na ibang mas valid na dahilan pa.

The girl was Jessica, she was Job’z former school mate in college na taga-Bataan din. Maybe in those times na hindi na siya kinakausap ni Jobz ay busy na rin ito sa panliligaw sa ibang babae. But she’s not sure if that’s really the reason. Jobz didn’t confirm it either.

Maybe it’s truly because of distance? s**t that reason. Limang oras lang ang pagitan nila. Hindi naman bansa o kontinente ang pagitan nila. Limang oras na byahe lang!

Their almost weekly hangouts turned into monthly, hanggang sa naging sobrang dalang na lamang sila magkita. Every time they would plan to meet ay nagkakaroon ng mga biglaang excuses ang lalaki para hindi ito matuloy, na kahit pati siya ay parang nawawalan na rin ng gana makipagkita rito. Even their exchanges of messages got bored. Yung dating halos oras-oras ay naging once a day to once a week na lamang just to say ‘hi’ and ‘kumusta’. Wala na rin silang gaanong video call. Unti-unti nang lumalawak ang distansya nila sa isa’t isa.

But then she thought that they were still okay. Na baka busy lang ang lalaki sa transition ng trabaho nito. And Jobz was also taking his Master’s Degree during that time kaya naman hindi na niya ito ginagambala muna para sa mga petty or random things and thoughts na gusto sana niyang itanong o sabihin sa lalaki. She would just wait for Jobz to message or call her.

Na-mi-miss man niya ito ay tinikis niya ang nararamdaman and never initiated to see him in person. Nahihiya rin kasi siya na siya ang unang mag-aya ng pagkikita. Even when texting, lagi niyang pinipigilan ang sarili para unang i-text ito. Baka kasi isipin ni Jobz ay ang clingy niya and she couldn’t understand na busy ang lalaki sa trabaho at pag-aaral nito. Ayaw naman niyang magmukhang inconsiderate and narrow minded.

Binuhos na lamang ni Alj ang mga bakante niyang oras sa pagsusulat o di kaya naman ay sa pag-travel kasama ng mga kaibigan. She would always find ways to challenge and dared herself with some adventures and fulfilled some of the things listed on her bucket list. In that way she thought that she would finally move on. She finds her true self alone. She stood on her own feet. She found her true calling.

Whenever there’s a chance that she and Jobz could talk, she still can feel Jobz sincerity. Hindi rin ito nakakalimot ipaalala sa kanya na mahal siya nito. And she believed him! Naniwala rin siya sa idinidikta na ng puso niya. Gusto sana niyang magkwento dito ng mga pinaggagawa niya sa buhay pero parang wala naman itong interes na makinig sa kanya kaya huwag na lang at hindi na niya itinutuloy pa.

It was so crazy that in those absences of Jobz in her daily life, dito niya mas napagtatanto ang mas lumalalim niyang nararamdaman para sa lalaki. She always missed him terribly. Pero nahihiya lang talaga siya na mag-initiate ng pag-uusap o planong pagkikita nila. She couldn’t even say what she truly felt for him. She got scared. She got scared to know if Jobz’ feelings for her was eventually fading away. Jethro unloved her. So, it’s possible to happen with any men. Baka ganun din si Jobz. Pero bakit?

What went wrong?

“Ano’ng nangyari, Jobz?” May bahid ng pait at kirot ang pagtatanong niyang iyon. “I thought we were okay. I thought you truly loved me. I thought you would live your promise and that you’d wait.  But why did you do that? I thought that there’ll be ‘us’ in the right time. Akala ko hindi mo ako sasaktan pero bakit mas matindi pa yung pain na binigay mo?” She was comparing it with the break up with Jethro.

Alj was still holding back her tears. Hindi na siya ang dating Alj na sobrang iyakin. Hindi niya ipapakita dito na sobra pa rin siyang nasasaktan dahil sa nakaraan nilang walang naging maayos na wakas.

“I had this fear that you will also leave just like what Hannah did to me.” Ang tinutukoy nitong Hannah ay ang ex-girlfriend nito bago sila nagkakilala. “You were so happy back then when you were sharing to me about your dreams that you would want to chase. Hindi ko kayang ipagkait sa’yo ang pangarap mo, Alj.” Dagdag pa ni Jobz sa dahilan nito.

And then it hit her! She remembered again a moment of their past.

They were at a public park somewhere in Bataan one fine Saturday afternoon. They were sitting in the grass. Hawak niya ay kuwaderno at ballpen habang kaharap si Jobz na gitara ang pinagkakaabalahang kalabitin. The notebook she was holding was her dream and goals notebook. Doon niya isinusulat lahat ng pangarap niya as suggested by Jobz. Actually, regalo nga sa kanya ni Jobz ang dream notebook na iyon. He really wanted her to realize her own dreams. At yun nga ang ginagawa niya.

Nabanggit niya kay Jobz ang isa sa mga pangarap niya. “Jobz, I searched online how to apply for a US Visa. Ang dami pa lang requirements na kailangan at malaki-laki ang required budget.”

“You want to go abroad?” Walang emosyon na tanong ni Jobz sa kanya. Tinignan siya nito saglit pagkatapos ay ibinalik ang tutok sa pagkutingting ng hawak na gitara.

She shrugged her shoulders and took a deep breath, “I just want to try,” Aniya.

“Where?”

“New York.”

“Why there?”

Muling ikinibit ni Alj ang mga balikat, “Gusto ko lang. I want to live and work there. And sana yung maging line of work ko doon ay writing din.”

That was just one of her dozens of crazy dreams that she never had the chance to fulfill...yet.

She couldn’t believe that that one crazy, wild dream of hers would be the main reason Jobz would choose to ghost her! Yes, Ghosting was the right term. Jobz didn’t even bother to say goodbye to her. Sana man lang sinabi nito sa kanya na titigil na ito sa panliligaw, na hindi na siya nito kakausapin o kikitain or they will be better off as friends.  Ayos lang naman iyon sa kanya if that’s what he wants. Wala naman siyang balak mamilit ng tao na mahalin o pakisamahan siya. At the very least, she deserved to know the reasons.  Pero hindi eh. Hindi niya alam! And it took him almost five years to finally say it!

Napatakip ng bibig si Alj sa pagkagulat sa kanyang nalaman. Natapik din niya ang sariling noo. “My God, Jobz! Was that your reason? Ang babaw mo!” Hindi niya napigilang maibulalas.

“Please understand Alj that I was so scared that time to be left alone again.”

“Ganon ba kababaw ang naging tingin mo sa akin? I thought I could trust you fully pero ikaw pala ang walang tiwala sa akin.” Nasaktan siya sa realisasyong iyon. Ang tagal niyang inisip kung ano ba ang naging mali sa kanilang dalawa. Yun pala ay ang insecurity lang nito ang sisira sa masaya nilang simula. “I never meant to leave you! It was just one of my dreams that even until now I’m still not sure if I must reach. I can’t leave my family; I even can’t leave my work and my comfort zone.” Ang tanga niya lang dahil hindi niya naisip na iyon pala ang dahilan nang paglayo ng lalaking ito sa kanya noon.

“I’m sorry, Alj.”

“You should have told me, Jobz! Ako, I can tell you everything, anything, alam mo ‘yan. But you, you never fully trusted me, you never relied on me. Hindi mo man lang ako binigyan ng pagkakataon na ipakita at ipadama sa’yo na mali ka ng inaakala, na kahit papaano, you can still treat me as your true friend who knows your true self. Gumawa ka ng sarili mong multo, Jobz. Your insecurities are bullshit!”

“That was your dream, Alj!” Mataas na rin ang boses ni Jobz. “Ayoko maging hadlang sa pagtupad mo sa mga pangarap mo. You were just finding out yet yourself that time. I don’t deserve to break off your new grown wings. Hindi kita pipigilang lumipad.”

“So, you thought that we won’t make it dahil lalayo ako?”

Marahang tumango si Jobz. “I don’t believe in LDR.”

“It’s because you chose to doubt our faith so you broke off our fate.”

“Life will always be a matter of choice.” Tugon ni Jobz.

“Why didn’t you tell me this before? Tapos nagulat na lang ako may Jessica ka na. Don’t worry, I already accepted that you wouldn’t want me in your life. And it’s your stupid freaking choice!” May hinanakit pa rin sa tono niya. “Just answer my question. Bakit may Jessica na pumasok sa eksena?”

Bago pa man masagot ni Jobz ang tanong niya ay nag-ring ang telepono ni Alj and it was Jethro who’s calling. Oo nga pala, naalala niyang may usapan pala sila ni Jethro na magkikita ngayon for dinner.

“I have to go. Just text me if you’ll have other issues and concerns about the revision of the song.” Paalam niya kay Jobz. Hindi niya sinagot ang tawag ni Jethro. Tatawagan na lamang niya ito. Tinalikuran na niya si Jobz.

But Jobz stopped her. Hinawakan nito ang kanang kamay niya. She was shocked, as in an electrically shocked felt ran down through her spines. And she didn’t let go of his hands. Bakit hindi siya pumapalag?

‘Why?’ Naguguluhan niyang tanong sa sarili. She then felt a familiar comforting feeling, ‘No!’ Sigaw niya sa kanyang isip.

“Alj. It was you that I love all along.” Dagdag rebelasyon ni Jobz. Mabilis nito iyong sinabi ngunit malinaw na malinaw niyang narinig.

“Huh?” Of course, she wouldn’t believe it. Dito na siya bumitaw mula sa pagkakahawak ni Jobz. “Tapos na tayong maglokohan, Jobz.” ‘Tapos na rin akong maging tanga sa’yo.’

“Jessica and I were just friends. When you saw us, I actually saw you coming so I told her to hug me.”

“I really hate you.” Nakamamatay na pukol ng tingin ang pinakawalan niya para sa lalaki. Gusto niyang matawa. ‘s**t ka talaga, Jobz! Ang cliché ng drama mo, bwisit ka!’ Iyon na lamang ang tanging nasabi ni Alj sa sarili.

Tuluyan na niyang iniwan ang lalaki.

NATAGPUAN na lamang ni Alj ang sarili sa restaurant na pag-aari at pinapamahalaan ni Jethro. Narating niya ang restaurant habang lumilipad ang kanyang isip.

Halik ni Jethro ang sumalubong sa kanya. Na ginantihan naman niya ng yakap. Pinilit din niya ang ngumiti nang malaki.

“How was it?” She knows that Jethro was talking about the song’s revision.

“Okay naman. Hopefully, i-approve na nila yung revised.”

“How was him?”

Mataman niyang tinignan si Jethro. Malamang sa malamang ay si Jobz ang tinutukoy nito. He knows their history.

“Okay naman siya.” Kalmado niyang sagot. Umupo na sila ni Jethro sa isang bakanteng table for two. May mga pagkain na ring nakahanda sa mesa, “We were with Kyron. Sila ang nag-edit ng tones.” Maybe she told him that to assure him that nothing goes between her and Jobz. Parang ang defensive tuloy ng dating niya. Huli na niya na-realize iyon.

“Good, good.” Tumango-tango lamang si Jethro habang pinagsisilbihan siya nito. Abala ito sa paglalagay ng pagkain sa kanyang plato.

“Love, may question ako.”

“Ano yon, Love?”

“What if I’ll pursue my New York dream? Papayag ka ba?”

Natigil si Jethro sa ginagawa at tumitig sa kanya. “You don’t have to go there. I can support our future. Napag-usapan na natin ‘yan ‘di ba?”

‘Here we go again.’ Ani Alj sa kanyang isip. 

“It’s not about the money. It’s self-fulfillment, Love. ‘Yung bago tayo mag-settle down, I want to reach my personal goals yet.”

Jethro came back to her two years ago. Na-realize daw nito na siya talaga ang mahal nito. She gave it a shot. She gave him a chance to win her back at nakita naman niya ang pagpupursige ni Jethro. Nagbago rin ito. After three years of being apart ay maraming nagbago kay Jethro. He became more matured, independent, responsible and already had direct plans in life. The best thing about him is that she’s included in his plans. He also promised to be faithful this time. Sawa na daw ito sa happy-go-lucky life. Jethro realized Alj’s worth when she was gone in his life. Alj was the one who pushed him for his dreams and to have clear goals. So, they tried it again. They started all over again. And now they have plans together and they’re just waiting for the right time to make it all come true.

Perfect na eh. But somehow, deep in her heart she knows that there’s still a void that she needs to fill in. And that’s her personal dreams.

Hinawakan ni Jethro ang isang kamay niya, “Pero ayokong malayo sa’yo, Love. I just can’t.” Hinalikan din nito ang kamay niyang hawak nito.

She just smiled at him. Pagod na siyang makipagtalo ngayong araw. Quota na siya.

THEIR song’s revision was finally approved and ready for recording.

Alj and Jobz were allowed to witness the recording inside the music studio. Hindi man si Jobz ang official interpreter ay naging maganda pa rin ang resulta ng bagong version ng kanta nila. The interpreter did just great! She gave justice to the song.

Pareho silang masaya nang matapos ang recording session. And they both hoped for the best.  Na sana ay manalo sila, sana ay maging grand winner ang awiting nilikha nila. Their song came from the heart when they made it. Their hearts. It was like their baby created out of love.

After ng recording ay muli silang nagtungo sa rooftop pizza house na una nilang pinuntahan. It was just to have a little celebration. This time, it was only Alj and Jobz alone.

They finally decided to call it truce. Mahirap iyon pero kailangan nilang ayusin ang nasa pagitan nila para sa competition.

They were friends again-but not that much close anymore, civil with each other, no more, no less. After all, everything between them was already in the past. Hindi na kailangang ibalik at ungkatin pa ang nakaraan.

All they need to do now is to finally move forward.

She believes that after the competition, they will go again in separate ways and be back to their normal lives. Okay na sila doon. Sarado na rin ang kabanata ng mga buhay nila na sinubukang pagbuklodin ng tadhana.

Habang nakaupo at naghihintay ng order nilang pizza ay inabala ni Alj ang sarili sa pagtipa sa kanyang laptop. Mataman lang siyang pinagmamasdan ni Jobz. Kahit pa na tutok ang mga mata niya sa monitor ay ramdam niya ang tagusang titig ni Jobz sa kanya.

“Baka naman matunaw ako niyan, Mister Buenavista. Ang lagkit eh.” Aniya habang hindi pa rin nag-aangat ng tingin sa lalaki. Sa totoo lang, nako-conscious na siya ngunit hindi lamang niya iyon ipinapahalata. Jobz would always love to stare at her like this even before.

Nagulat siya nang iangat ng lalaki ang laptop niya at iniharap iyon sa direksyon nito. “Ano ba ‘yang sinusulat mo?”  Binasa ni Jobz ang kasalukuyang sinusulat niya. It’s a fantasy novel na matagal na niyang nahinto at ngayon lang ulit naituloy.

“The story’s outline is in the first page.” Aniya. Kapag may ginagawa siyang nobela, ang outline ang binabasa ni Jobz tsaka ito magbibigay ng mga komento.  

Siya naman ngayon ang nakatitig sa lalaki. Hindi niya iyon madalas gawin dahil madalas silang magkahulihan ng tingin and it gave her butterflies…before. Nahihiya siyang ipakita sa lalaki ang soft side niya. Baka mahuli pa siya nito na kinikilig siya.

Nang magsalita si Jobz ay iniiwas na niya ang tingin sa maamong mukha ng lalaki. “I hope by the end of the story ay maipakita mo yung personal growth and change in perspective ni Aliyah.” He was referring to the main character of her story, “Check mo rin yung weakness niya about negative and toxic daydreaming turned into realities, if in the end is ma-o-overcome and ma-o-overpower niya iyon. She must be able to control her mind. It would also be better if her unique yet negative trait will turn into something good. Ang ganda na ng storyline mo. Yung sa development na lang talaga ng characters siguro ang kailangan mo pang bigyan ng pansin kung paano mo siya mapapalitaw pa.”

Pumangalumbaba siya. “Salamat sa unsolicited advice.” Na-miss niya ‘yon sa totoo lang.

Dumating na ang order nila at sinimulan na nilang lantakan iyon. This time, their order has no onions.

Natuto na sila.