Letters from the Beyond

My Story: The Long Road Through Humiliation, Loneliness, and the Search for Love

I’ve faced countless humiliations in my life, starting with my father. He was never present — never interacted with me, never offered affection, support, or served as a masculine role model. He was emotionally absent, and to this day, they don’t even understand what that absence meant for me.

In early adolescence, I developed a hormonal imbalance that gave me masculine features. I became the target of ridicule, especially from boys. I was constantly mocked and treated like garbage — and always by groups, never just one person. It was cruel. Eventually, I healed from the illness, my body changed, I became beautiful — but by then, no one seemed to care.

Desperate for love, I fell into two relationships in my home country. One man was a mama’s boy, the other immature and irresponsible. Both wanted a wife just to have a servant at home while they enjoyed their freedom. I felt used, never loved. Intimacy was frustrating, and I never got the chance to experience what it feels like to be truly loved as a woman.

Then I decided to travel — but things got worse. Loneliness grew deeper. I was mocked again, constantly surrounded by men who didn’t match my values or ideals. I became pregnant once, but had to give up the child due to lack of support and money. The father was nearly homeless, unstable — the opposite of the solid, reliable partner I had always hoped for.

The last man I trusted was much older. He treated me like a beggar, someone broken who needed saving. But I’ve always been independent, strong. I lost myself and ended up in misery because I listened to him instead of following my own instincts.

Now I find myself once again in a place I don’t want to be, staying in the house of a man who thinks he’s my boyfriend — but I don’t feel anything for him. I want to leave this country, start over, but I’m stuck. I have no job, no money, and I’m scared. Scared this will be my reality forever.

But something inside of me still hopes. Still fights. I’m not ready to give up yet.