How did I get here

How did I get here

Even though we moved from California back to Florida, the memories of what Duval's nasty ass brother did to me stayed right with me. I ended up with this imaginary friend who would convince me to do the worst things ever. Especially when we moved to the end of the old Bell South and 35th St. My mom was fighting her own demons, and trying to do right , baby we use to be in church morning noon and night, the shut ends, revivals, choir rehearsal, the only time we went home was to eat the food that she had started earlier that morning before we even woke up to get started on our Sunday morning journey, breakfast and dinner was done. Now we had to put on these long ugly dresses that we did not want to put on. we went through so many churches, I use to be like, we are never going to know any thing but how to go from church to church. some of the churches, the house of issacar, soul harbors, and others, but these two churches made the greatest impact on my life. the house of issacar was the greatest church and family for me ever. Soul harbors was great to but that is the church where I first layed eyes on my first son's dad., we did not officially say anything in church to each other, I would just see him watching me and stairing at me, I use to be like, this man is a creep.

But at the same time we were also dealing with the home life.

with the help of my imaginary friend who started turning into hell on earth and the time of me being violated by a man who did not allow me to enjoy my childhood of being a little girl, but by their own free will and not mine, decided to treat me as if I were a grown woman, experienced in life, and experienced sexually I mean. I never gave them permission to destroyed my life. why the hell. The first time was my sisters uncle, then one of the places that my my moved to which was called wedgewood, became the second time, the Haitian boy we called fireball, my older sister was in middle school, and me and my little sister was in elementary. so my older sister got home later than we did.

fireball was in high school, but nearly went to school, but for some reason fireball would always meet me and my sister at the bottom of the stairs and walk us up the stairs, he was making it seem as if he was my friend, but one partical day, the fool walked us up the stairs, me and my sister went inside as we normally do, but five minutes later, it is a knock on the door, fireball is standing on the other side, all I could say was my mom is not here, you have to come back later, he started tickling me for no reason, then it went from tickling to him holding me down putting his hand down my pants into my secret treasure, as I tried to screamed or cry, he covered my mouth with his other hand, he was so strong that he over powered me.

my mom would not play with these men who wanted to be a part of her world. She would change men like she change underwear. And my mom would take baths two three times a days. No cash no poon-poon, so we use to have a lot of uncles that came around. one of the guys who my mom was dating, at this time which was around the 90s now. He name Dean, his family would come around and we would have fun, even though I was taking all these pills being almost like a zombie most days, it was like they were saying keep this girl sedated so she can't harm herself or others. The third time was when my so called uncle , my moms boyfriends brother, came to stay with us, straight from prison. you would never think, that he would have done this, but as I understand now, he was just baiting me up. would take me on walks, talk with me and then the first moment that my mom left us and nobody else was in the house, he came into the room, and violated me, using the words, nobody will believe you, you are a physic patient, crazy. And if anybody believes you, I will kill them, so he continued for months sleeping with me and telling me he is the only person who loved me. Dirty dog.

I started going through issues that I could not explain, everything around me was becoming dark, I hated everything and everyone, except for my older sister. I no longer talked and communicated with people . my trust love, was out the door. I hated myself and couldn't find the strength to love or to love myself. They have taking everything from me. why can't my mom see what's happening to me, I love my mom but I hate her as well. These incidents sent me into a dark place. my imaginary friend started convincing me to do reckless things, like trying to kill myself, trying to cut My cousins throat, killing other people. I was doing things that made people scared to be around me, but they didn't know, I wanted death to take this pain away. I had to be put in the mental hospital for a while, strapped to a bed, stuffed with pills, then once I was released, therapy and physiologist as well as counseling groups, became a part of my life. once my mom finally kicked me out. I tried my hand in different things, stripping was not my thing, I was to insecure about my body, but I tried it twice, but I was on molly skitties, power and alcohol. next was stealing, oh I was great at this to

then I grew to checks , making them , taking them and cashing them, now I wanted more, so I entered the drug world. I was exposed to it most of my life. But to actually have your hands dealing into what has been around you most of your life is different.

Now I go from nickel and diming, to have weight, then to accidentally , now I am trafficking, how did I get here, I was determined to have more than most me, and to take what they had and to disappear. so through all the dirty scheming things I did , I was beating in a relationship I had been in , it was great for a moment, even though I was doing what I was doing , school was important to me, I was in honor and ap classes, I would be suspended most times, but when I went to school , the drug dealing boyfriend I had made sure I could drive to school, my hair stayed done. and money in my pocket. then the beatings started, when he was not high , he was the best man, then when he got high, here comes the devil. oh s**t somebody help me, and I can fight, not fight, but knocking dudes out as well, but when i tell you , telling blows with him was useless. I hate him, then when I tried to escape, his dad helped me to get a hotel we were real careful, he found me after two weeks, once i heard that knock at the door , this knock was all to familiar, the kill knock. thy kicked the door in, now I am in the trunk.