Keepers of the Moon

Chapter 12. Toiseach an deireadh (1)

Indigo

A soft drizzle trickled down the windowsill, the streets were deserted. I could hear Abi drawing at the tiny kitchen table, her chubby fingers scratching over the paper with a pencil. I wasn’t looking at her, I just knew that her tongue was out, pinched between her lips. While the drowsy morning past us by my hands rubbed at my collarbone unconsciously. I’d caught myself doing it more and more. As if my body was still stuck in the past, or maybe it had to do with seeing Einar for the first time. Fear was now constant in my mind.

He was always there.

Just residing on the edge of my consciousness, ready to strike at any moment. Pushing me further into a corner, laughing at my feeling of safety. Because I would never be safe from him. He knew me now.

He had seen me.

He didn’t know yet where I came from. But Ilse was right, hiding a secret this big was more difficult than I’d ever imagined. The fact that the relationship between Nordlys and Caledonia was so strained didn’t make it any easier. If it were to come out, war would ensue.

I pushed my face against the cool window and drew a shaky breath. My thoughts wandered, my feelings wavered. Besides Einar there was someone else hiding inside my head. He was spinning it around, making me feel dizzy with glee and filled with fear. It was a feeling that I couldn’t place, it was as if it had gotten stronger since I was away from him. Yesterday I was certain that I didn’t need him anymore. That being with him was a distraction that I couldn't afford anymore. I had almost felt relieve when I had made the decision to step away from him. But now?

Now that he was no longer standing next to me, my heart ached. I was yearning for his piercing blue eyes and his crooked smile. Now that I was away from him and from his father, I could see him for how I wanted to see him. Just a boy. Nothing more, nothing less. I wished there were no secrets between us, I wished that the world hadn’t gone crazy. I would’ve stayed with him for as long as I could. I would’ve gone to Nordlys with him, if he had asked me to.

But now?

Would I still do it, if he were to ask it of me now?

I knew the answer and it was unfair for Hlér. It was not his fault. He could no deny the fact that Einar was his father. The imbalance of both our countries was not on him. He had not inflicted pain on Mo Bhean, which was all on his family. Because even now, after our conversation on the boat, I knew that his heart was true. He tried to do the right thing, he was not a pivotal pawn in his father’s games. He might have had his suspicions, but he didn’t truly know. Yet he was still part of that world and he would inevitably be dragged along in the upcoming war. I knew with who I would stand.

And it wouldn’t be with Hlér.

He had wanted to go out with me tomorrow, take a stroll along the water. Just be together and I had wanted nothing more in my life. It was a chance to feel normal and to be with him. But my work went on and I couldn’t slack now. My future, Abi’s future depended on it. I had asked him to meet me after, so we could grab some dinner together. He reluctantly said yes, but he was happy that at least I still wanted to hang out with him. Because he too had felt that there was a distance between us that was hard to overcome.

It would never be overcome.

‘Nana, look!’ Abi came walking toward me whilst holding up a piece of paper. I tore myself away from the window and left my scattered thoughts hanging in the air. I smiled when she handed over the paper with a proud face.

She had drawn two little stick figures, one with yellow hair and the other with black hair. They were holding hands and smiling. Above the yellow stick figure she had written a few words. I bit my lip as I was deciphering them. “I love mama Nana” It was the first time she called me her mother and something in me snapped. I picked her up and gave her the tightest hug I could, while fighting back tears. 

‘I love you too, sweetheart.’

‘Always?’

‘Forever and ever.’

‘Not leaving?’

She wriggled herself from my grip and looked at me with her big brown eyes. There were tears glistening in the corners and her cheeks flushed. It hurt me that a child as young as Abi knew exactly how it felt to be left alone. To have to be able to fight for yourself. This was the first time someone actually cared about her and tried to give her what she deserved. And I was honoured to be that person for her. Honoured that I could be for her, what nobody could’ve done for me.

‘No, I am here to stay. I will never leave you.’

She nodded and then curled herself up on my lap and laid her head on my chest. With the rising and falling of my breathing she fell asleep. And we sat there, the two of us, in peace. While the world around us was crumbling and falling apart. Our love would be constant and everlasting. 

There was a soft knock on the door and I nearly shot up in fear. I recognised the voice of the landlady and I told her to come in with a soft voice. Her grey head peeked around the door and there was a devious smile on her face.

‘Indigo dear, there’s a lovely lad for you at the door. I am going to let him in, he’s looking for you.’ Before I could even register her words she was already gone. Then it hit me.

What was Hlér doing here?

It took less than a minute for him to appear in the doorway, looking strangely out of place. His white hair was sticking on his forehead and his coat was dripping on the floor. His cheeks were red, just as his nose, betraying that there was a cold wind blowing. His fancy clothing and expensive shoes didn’t match the shaggy apartment and for a moment I felt ashamed for how it all looked. He was a Prince, this kind of building was something he would never enter on his own. Yet it was more than I ever had and I was proud of it, it was my own little home. Even though he didn’t look disgusted I still took on a slightly defensive look. Ready to defend my home if he were to say something snappy about it.

‘What are you doing here?’ I shifted slightly, without waking up Abi, but now I was able to really look at him. Rain still tapped against the window, though I could also hear Hlér’s elevated heartbeat and his heavy breathing. He looked nervous, apprehensive and guilty. Like he wasn’t supposed to be here. I strained my neck to see if someone had come with him, but he was all alone.

This was odd.

He was never alone.

‘I was looking for you.’ His voice was trembling, he sounded scared yet determined. There was something wrong with him.

‘Well, here I am. What are you doing here?’ He swallowed hard and looked around, whilst avoiding my eyes. I could see his gaze sweeping through the room, his thoughts swirling in his mind. His eyes lingered on the drawings that were still sprawled on the table. His hands were still inside his pockets, though I could see them shaking. He kept biting in his lower lip and he was leaning on his toes, as if he wanted to fly off whenever he could.

Maybe it was because he had ditched his bodyguard?

But I instinctively knew that wasn’t the case, he had done that himself. Somewhere in the streets was a guard frantically looking for him. Hlér had escaped, so he could talk to me. Privately. Yet he didn’t speak. He just stood there in the doorway, looking more uncomfortable by the second.

‘If you’re not going to answer I will kick you out.’ I said jokingly, he however looked genuinely hurt. As if I had just hit him in the guts.

‘I’m just kidding. What’s wrong with you, you look like you’re about to throw up.’ His piercing eyes looked at me with such intense worry that I carefully stood up and placed Abi on her bed. She disappeared between the covers and snored happily on. I took a step toward him when he finally spoke.