The Secrets We Keep

CHAPTER SIX

Olivia watched Izzy carefully measure out the ingredients needed for a large batch of Anzac biscuits they were making to mark the special day that was fast approaching. From outside she could hear the boys, all four of them, and their noisy basketball game. Olivia understood having Izzy in her home might be considered unprofessional but the rumour which had been circulating the school had lost some steam and, in some respects, it did mean as Leo’s half-sister in the very loosest sense, there was no good reason why they shouldn’t spend a day baking. Besides, Olivia had an ulterior motive, Gabriella Forrester the new music teacher, was bringing her daughter, Allegra to join them. Allegra had been boarding at an exclusive girl’s school in Auckland during the week, coming home on weekends but was enrolled to start at the high school on Waiheke after the holidays they were all currently enjoying. Izzy was still having problems with Tabitha Collins and her clan – Olivia refused to call them a gang – but if Izzy and Allegra spent enough time together during the holiday break there was a good chance Tabitha would have less influence over Izzy.

Since Leo’s accident Olivia hadn’t seen a lot of Hunter, maybe he was too busy, maybe he didn’t want to…what? She had been thinking about rekindling their friendship, but it did seem, to her at least, that whatever hung represented a stumbling block of sorts. Suddenly aware of silence from outside, Olivia frowned, then heard Leo talking, introducing Mason as his brother and she smiled. His brother, well, it was true to a point and she wasn’t going to start splitting hairs or talk semantics.

“Mum? Ms Forrester and Allegra are here.”

“Thanks, bud. Come on up Gabriella,” she replied.

“I like Ms Forrester; she wants me to have singing lessons with her.” Izzy announced in her usually quiet tone.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, Izzy. What does your dad say?”

She shrugged, “I – I haven’t said anything. I mean I doubt I’m worth teaching and he’ll probably say it’s a silly idea.”

“Oh, Izzy, don’t say that! I’m sure Ms Forrester wouldn’t have mentioned it if she didn’t think it was something you could explore.”

“Knock, knock,”

Olivia swung around to find Gabriella and her daughter, Allegra framed in the doorway,

“Hi, ladies,” Olivia greeted them, “Hope you have your baking hands on, because we are making Anzac biscuits, or rather, Izzy and Allegra are doing all the work.”

“Sounds like fun, doesn’t it Allie?”

Allegra had dark solemn eyes like her mother’s, long dark brown hair and wore a serious expression. This was a child who had more than a few issues, so perhaps she and Izzy might be beneficial to one another.

“Hi Allegra, or is it Allie that you prefer?”

The girl shrugged, her gaze fixed on Izzy who had gone back to measuring ingredients,

“Okay,” Olivia continued, “Izzy? This is Allegra, she’s going to be joining you next term.”

Izzy mumbled a quiet “Hi” before returning to her task.

Olivia found an apron for Allegra and spent a few moments going over the instructions, then returned to Gabriella,

“I hope this works,” she said softly, “as I mentioned to you in the staff room last week, Izzy has major self esteem issues and has struggled to find her place. If they bond over the next two weeks, it might make a less stressful transition into a new school for Allegra.”

“Thanks for making this effort Liv, I truly appreciate it?”

“Coffee?”

“Love one.”

They remained in the kitchen, sipping their coffee, and watching the girls interact and occasionally there was a short giggle from one or other of them which made Olivia smile.

“Allegra misses her father; he’s living overseas, and she has taken the separation hard and without a doubt blames me for sending him away.”

“I think that’s a common response, they need to lash out at the parent who they’re left with. Does he keep in touch with her?”

“Oh yes. He talks to her over Zoom and on the phone, but it isn’t the same and if I had the perfect solution to the problem, I would have used it. Truth is, I don’t.”

She recounted the breakdown of her marriage following the sudden death of her eight-year-old son, Toby almost five years ago when a drunk driver mounted the footpath and struck Toby and two of his friends as they walked to get an ice cream. “

“Oh, Gabriella, how dreadful.”

“There’s not a day goes by that I don’t feel that loss and I know well intentioned people say it will get easier, but I don’t know when that will be because I feel as though my heart has been ripped out and yet I sill need to be here for Allegra, to love her and protect her.”

“I understand, truly I do.”

“Reid just shut himself down, closed us out, refused any attempt at seeing someone to talk about he felt. He’s a lawyer so he’s an expert at the poker face, I’ve never known what he was thinking or feeling, other than in the bedroom.”

Olivia gave a short laugh, “How long have you been separated?”

“Two years. I received some photos of Reid with…. with his PA. When I showed him, he accused me of not trusting him, pushing him away, you name it he used it as a means of turning it all on me. So, we agreed to separate.”

“Can I ask about her, the PA?”

“Oh, she followed him overseas as well, at least that’s what I’ve heard. It’s one of the reasons I decided to come here because in Auckland it was too difficult.”

“Divorce?”

“I don’t want to think about it because twenty plus years is a long time to give someone, isn’t it? He still has my heart, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, not at this stage anyway.”

The chatter from the other side of the kitchen was getting more frequent and now there were more than a few giggles.

“Olivia, I think we can put the first batch in the oven,” Izzy said, her face glowing with happiness.

“You’re the cook, go for it.”

“You let her call you Olivia?”

“Because of the setup we’re all in, I find it difficult to expect Mason and Izzy to call me Ms Wainwright and I’m only Ms Wainwright to Leo when we’re at school.”

“Complicated?”

“A bit. No. Yes, who am I kidding, as a matter of fact it’s seriously complicated. I haven’t spoken much to Hunter since Leo’s accident; I don’t know if he’s putting the walls up for a reason or if he doesn’t know how to work through this situation.”

“You still have feelings for him?”

“Yeah. How is that intelligent women give their hearts so easily to these guys, you think everything is fine then one day it’s been snatched out from under us.”

“My brother, Blake, he’s trying so hard to redeem himself to Alex, then there was his accident which, I think has brought them closer. Blake’s a lot like Hunter,” she paused, clasping her hands together on the table, “a lot like Reid.”

Their morning coffee turned into lunch outdoors and, boys being boys, announced they planned on going swimming.

“It’s almost the end of April,” she told Leo, “Don’t you think the water might be a bit cold now?”

“Nah, we’re good, Mum.” He grinned happily at her then turned his attention to Izzy and Allegra, “You guys want to come too?”

They looked at one another then Izzy said to Allegra, “If you come to my house, I can give you some bathers.”

Olivia watched conflicted emotions flit across Allegra’s face,

“That’s so kind of you, Iz. Allegra? Izzy lives in that property over there,” she pointed in the direction of the winery, “It takes about five minutes to get there.”

“We’ll meet you on the beach, okay Iz?” Mason asked his sister.

“Sure.”

“Leo!” Olivia called as the boys ambled towards the bay, “Not on that swing. It’s out of bounds for now!”

“Sure thing, Mum!”

Izzy and Allegra were continued to linger until Gabriella insisted it was fine for Allegra to go with Izzy.

“You’ll still be here when we get back?” she asked her mother.

“Right here. Now go, before the sun is gone and the water is too cold.”

They watched the two girls retreat in the direction of the winery, then returned to where they had been sitting.

“She’s afraid of losing you,” Olivia noted, “She lost her brother, her father has gone and now you’re all she has.”

“I know. I’m so scared, Liv. I’m not sure I’m the best parent I can be right now. I mean if I didn’t have my work, my music, I doubt I would get through a single day.”

Olivia squeezed her arm, “You have friends here, a family here. I here from Alex just how happy Blake is to have found you. You have a nephew, Jack is a fantastic kid, he and Blake are bonding, and I have my fingers crossed for Blake and Alex. I’m sure it will happen.”

“Jack is lovely. He has been so nice to Allegra, patient. I don’t want to use the word envy, but if Allegra and I had a relationship like Jack has with his mother or Leo with you, I’d be more than happy.”

“It will get better, Gabriella. Do you talk to your husband?”

She shook her head, “Well, I think I could count the number of times we’ve spoken more than five words on one hand. He just clams up and I get angry.”

Olivia thought about changing the subject because she couldn’t offer relationship advice, her own personal life was overly complicated and in her own way she was hiding behind her career, pouring all her love and affection into Leo because she had nothing else. She had her parents, of course, and she loved them dearly but as her mother reminded her on a regular basis, Leo was growing up, he would leave home and she didn’t want her to be alone. Olivia was already alone, not lonely, but alone. With Hunter coming into Leo’s life her son was spending a lot of time with his father and she didn’t begrudge him that. No, she had to accept that she and Hunter were tied together through Leo, even if she ached with the loss of having Hunter in her own life.

“Liv?”

Gabriella’s voice pulled her back into reality, “Sorry! Wool gathering.”

“I was asking whether the rope swing was where Leo had his accident?”

“Yeah. Hunter looked at it and thought it had been cut. He was going to arrange for the police to come out for an inspection, but I don’t know whether he did or not. I guess I ought to have asked.”

“But who would do something like that?”

“At this stage I have no idea, but if it was cut on purpose, I guess the only answer I can come up with is, someone doesn’t like me.”

“I don’t really know why I’m here.” Hunter told the man sitting opposite him. Tom Gordon was dressed like a hippy from the flower power days, bell-bottom jeans, paisley shirt, his hair tied into a ponytail and quite frankly, Hunter wasn’t sure this man could help him.

Tom laughed, “Almost everyone who steps through that door tells me the same thing, so please don’t image you’re the first or that you’ll be the last to do so.”

“Don’t you need to take notes or something?” he asked, noticing the lack of a pen or any notepad.

Tom laughed again and tapped the side of his head, “All up here. Now, why don’t we talk about you?”

“I’m not good at that.”

“I know, that’s why you’re here. And, for the record, you don’t need to be good at it. You simply need to recognise that nobody expects you to be perfect because we’re all imperfect.”

“I don’t consider myself as perfect.”

“No? Okay, fair point. Talk to me,” he paused and waved his hand through the air, “About anything. Anything at all.”

Hunter’s body tensed. Anything? Jesus he could be here forever and judging by the look on Tom’s face he was used to simply sitting and listening.

“The thing is,” Hunter began, leaning forward he steepled his long fingers together.

“Yes?” Tom asked, himself leaning forward.

“The thing is my life is so f****d up, I’m a hopeless parent and I let a woman I was crazy about slip through my fingers because I chose a first-class b***h to be my wife instead of her and I’m raising a fourteen-year-old daughter who is not my child.”

Tom sighed and leaned back against the cushions behind him,

“Well, I’d say we have somewhere to start. You pick, what do you want to tell me about, just one of those matters you’ve raised.”

Just one? Logic dictated he discuss Olivia first because it was always good when it was the two of them.

“Would you like me to choose one for you? I mean they don’t have to be in any specific order.”

“Okay. I guess.”

“Mm, let me see. Alright we’ll start with this woman you were crazy about. When was this?”

“We had been friends forever and were in high school.”

“Were you lovers?”

“Yeah.”

He felt the heat rise to his face, this was embarrassing, wasn’t it? Talking about your s*x life with a stranger.

“Tell me how she made you feel.”

“Like I was special. She got on with my parents, they loved her. I liked her parents; we were all islanders, so it seemed right. I’m sure our respective parents were sure we would marry one day.”

“So, your first major f**k up was because?”

Tom waited for him to respond, leaned forward, and took a sip from the cup sitting on a low table in front of him.

“Everyone knew we were a couple. Then a new girl came to the school, Nina. She befriended O –,” he stopped. He couldn’t use Olivia’s name, could he?”

“Privacy is everything here, Hunter. You can say her name.”

“Olivia, that’s her name. You’re sure nobody else will know, I mean I don’t want to jeopardise her privacy.”

“You won’t. When you’re ready, continue.”

“Right. Yeah. Well, Nina befriended Olivia but it wasn’t genuine friendship. One afternoon Nina was waiting for me after rugby practice, came onto me.”

“What did you feel in that moment? Were you attracted to her, did you think maybe you could screw her, and it would be your secret?”

“No! There was nothing! I pushed her away and she got pissed off, told me Liv was going with someone behind my back. Then she came onto me again and I was -,” he choked, unable to get the words out.

“You thought Olivia had betrayed you even though she had never given you any indication she wasn’t happy or satisfied with your relationship?”

Hunter could only nod.

“So, when Nina made a pass the second time you thought oh well, if it’s good enough for Olivia, I can get some action as well?”

Again, he nodded, the lump in his throat all but choking him and he started crying.

“What happened? Your words this time, not mine.”

“She went to Liv and boasted that I had spent the night with her, screwing her senseless because Liv wasn’t giving me what I needed.”

“I see,” Tom remarked gravely, “And Olivia?”

“She confronted me; her friends were with her and she was crying, yelling. I tried to console her because in all the time I had known her I had never seen her so upset.”

“Don’t stop,” Tom urged, “I want to know how you felt, what you did.”

“I felt as though a part of me had been torn away and I was left with a raw wound. A gaping hole. I confronted the guy Nina had mentioned and he laughed at me, told me I was nuts, that Olivia was not that sort of girl.” A loud groan came from deep inside Hunter as he confronted the enormity of what he had done to Olivia. He looked across at Tom, his face remained implacable.

“When I got home my parents were there with Olivia’s and asked me to explain what the hell was going on and I had to tell them about the s**t storm I had created.”

“You married Nina, why?”

“She left school, got a job in Auckland and when I was at university, I would sometimes see her in passing. One day she asked if I had time to stop for a coffee and I did. I was still raw about Olivia, couldn’t look at another girl, didn’t want to. I put my head down and studied, no parties, no socialising because, lets face it, I was a bit of a social pariah after what I had done to Liv. Anyway, we met for coffee a few times, we went to the movies, but I never saw the relationship as going anywhere!”

“Of course, you didn’t. But did you articulate that to Nina? Did you make it clear that your heart was not up to getting involved?”

“I tried but she was persuasive. Said I should give it time and maybe my feelings would change.”

“And how long did you wait for your feelings to change?”

“I had graduated from university and we went out to celebrate a few days later, had a bit too much to drink and went back to her place.”

“You had s*x?”

“Yeah. I stayed with her for a couple of days then told her I was going back to Waiheke to work in the winery for my father.”

Tom had another sip from his cup, “Would you like some? Green tea, excellent antioxidant and for general well-being.”

Hunter shook his head.

“So, you went back to Waiheke and, let me guess, Nina turned up and told you she was pregnant. That you were a little careless.”

“Something like that. I wanted to throw up. f**k, I was twenty-two years old, I couldn’t support a family, but I knew my family would expect me to do the right thing.”

“Do you always do the right thing by your family?”

“I love my parents. They’ve given me so many opportunities. I like them as people, they’re kind, generous, respected. But they never liked Nina, they didn’t have to say. At first, I thought it was because of Olivia, but I realised they simply didn’t like her, and Nina did nothing to try and make it work with them.”

“You married, Nina?”

Hunter nodded, “That day was a nightmare. Nina’s parents were so happy and mine looked as though the world had ended.”

“Where did you live?”

“On Waiheke, even though Nina hated it. I had an obligation to help Dad run the winery and my parents had built a bungalow for us, so we had privacy.”

“Wasn’t that difficult, I mean Olivia was still living on Waiheke?

“Yeah. I kept a low profile and to be honest, Dad worked me pretty hard, I guess that was his way of telling me I was an idiot.”

“And the baby?”

Hunter gave a harsh laugh, “The baby never happened. I came home from a conference and my mother told me Nina had gone to see her parents in Auckland and had miscarried, so she was spending a few days with them.”

“I see.”

“Do you? Aren’t you going to tell me she wasn’t pregnant? I heard a lot of that and when I did some calculations, I knew I had been conned.”

“Were you angry with her or yourself?”

“Mainly with her, with the benefit of hindsight more fool me that I didn’t stop to think with my brain instead of my dick.”

“Yet you took her back?”

“What could I do? We were married and given time I thought we might be able to make it work. She became pregnant only a few months after the miscarriage and she was impossible to live with. To outsiders she was sweet and with me I was every bastard in the world rolled into one truly awful bastard. She hated being pregnant, hated being fat, hated what I had done to her.”

“Did her doctors raise any concerns about her mental health?”

“That’s the problem, Tom. I wasn’t privy to any of those visits, so I don’t know what was said.”

“Well,” Tom said, “You’re quite right, you well and truly f****d up but take some consolation that you were well and truly f****d over by someone who had no control over her emotions and needed help.”

“And?”

Tom laughed, “You’re not nearly as f****d up as you like to think. The solutions to your myriad of troubles are within easy reach if you open yourself to people.”

“That’s what my mother said,” Hunter mumbled.

“Mothers are rarely wrong when they dispense advice. I think that will do for today, how about I schedule you in for next week? You name the day and time.”

Hunter scrambled for a response that included something about being too busy but couldn’t.

“Tuesday is a good day for me, same time as today?”

“I’ll see you then.”

Hunter got to his feet, shook Tom’s hand, and stepped into the bright sunlight wondering what the hell he’d got himself into.