Desirable Secrets

09|Damage

if you ask someone what's depression, they will give you a simple answer about feeling sad and being cooped up in your room.

When you ask Alexander, she will give you an answer that makes you sit and stare at her for a long time.

Depression is a monster, it has razor-sharp teeth, blood-red eyes, and long claws. It smiles sinisterly when it first latches on to you, knowing it's going to drain you. It stabs you in the back, slowing you down until you don't want to do anything else.

And when you finally deal with it, it pops up at the weirdest times. The slick voice whispers in your ears, makes you feel you have no one anymore. Once it feels contented with that, it talks to you becoming your friend and then it talks you into coming to meet it, and if you don't snap back into reality, you commit suicide.

Alexander wasn't depressed, if you ask her, she just felt a little sad but nothing she couldn't deal with.

Alexander was never good at dealing with her feelings. She didn't see why she had to deal with them when she could've kept them bottled up.

She hated not having control over her emotions, it always left a bitter taste when she allowed herself to explode.

"I'm tired of you walking around looking like a puppy. We're going out tonight." Renee rubbed on her neck.

"I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to go home and sleep."

"Riley said you were sleeping a lot, you don't need it right now, some of my sorority sisters are going out and you're coming with us. And don't bring your guard dog."

"You will not drop this?" Alexander looked up from her clipboard.

"No, so go home and dress sexy and comb that hair." Renee pulled at her curl.

Alexander glared at her friend, "You're lucky your so beautiful."

"Thank you."

Renee stood at 5'6, dark chocolate skin, her 4c hair was always in its afro state. Renee knew she was beautiful, which caused her to be a little cocky sometimes.

"You're getting thicker." Alexander's eyes looked over her figure, small boobs, and the thickest set of thighs.

"Yeah, good dick." Renee stuck her tongue out.

"That's why you been missing and not coming over a lot, I'm happy for you."

Renee beamed, wrapping her arms around her body.

"Let's get you a girlfriend now, someone at least nineteen, younger so they can show you what fun is."

"What, why someone younger." Alexander looked at her in confusion.

"Because they're fresh out of high school, a freshman in college trying new s**t, s*x will be out of this world." Renee winked at her.

"Why are talking like you did this?"

"I did. Sometimes you have just allowed yourself to date someone younger than you every so often."

"Your mother will whoop your ass if she could hear you, I'm going to tell." Alexander laughed.

"I don't pay you to sit around, Alexander takes care of the patient in 108, Renee you shouldn't be over on this side anyway, you're a heart doctor go do heart doctor things."

"You got it, Fionna." Renee saluted "Bye Alex, good luck on your p***y operation."

“I hate you," Alexander shouted, grabbing her files.

"Don't let Renee distract you, Alexander, students normally don't get put into residence their second year, now go Doctor Margret is there waiting to overlook you." Fionna walked away.

Alexander sighed, opening throwing her Jordans on the floor.

"Hey." She mumbled, looking at Riley on the sofa.

"Alex, sit, we need to talk." Riley slaps the seat next to her.

"Not tonight, Riley." Alexander rolled her eyes.

"It's going to take me five minutes. Do you want me to call mama? Because I can tell her you're being mean."

Alexander groaned, sitting on the sofa. She didn't want to deal with her mother right now that's why she's been ignoring her call.

"Good, my team is celebrating the 18, I need you to be there, dress nice, and don't invite anyone else." Riley tapped her thighs.

"18?"

"Yes December 18th, at 8 pm it's a little far so we have to leave early. Don't forget Alex. I made pasta it's on the stove." Riley got up, making her way to her bedroom.

"I wouldn't be home tonight, I'm going out with Renee."

"Oh, Renee is back." Riley licked her lips, grinning.

"She's still off-limits, so wipe that grin off your face."

Alexander walked away to her room to get ready.

"Dress nice and not like a bum."

Alexander rolled her eyes, flipping her off.

***

"You look fire." Riley nodded, "You look like me but, I'm going to let you have it for tonight."

"Shut up." Alexander smacks her forehead.

"Is that, Prada? Damn 5k month paid off." 

"How do you even know about that?" Alexander applied her chapstick.

"I follow your business Twitter, it makes me know what you're doing."

"Stop snooping." Alexander rolled her eyes, spraying herself with Chanel.

"Wait, is that a Gucci sweatshirt? Gucci on Prada? Rich b***h vibes, I'm borrowing the boots." Riley stared at them.

"Why are you staring at them?"

"Taking a photo with my eyes, so I can store it in my brain so I will remember."

"Your so f*****g stupid." Alexander laughed, it was her first real laughing while.

"Hello, Alexander, you better be ready."

"God damn, better call god so he can know one of his angels is out of heaven." Riley walked over to Renee, looking her over.

"Wow, that was the worst s**t I ever heard, but you look good bestie." Alexander winked, looking over her body.

"She's right, you look, beautiful baby girl, you should come back over tonight so we can see how that dress looks on the floor." Riley grabbed her hand.

Alexander watches in disbelief as Renee blushed and giggled.

"Let's go now."

"Stop d**k blocking Alex."

"Before you argue, let's leave." Renee glared at them, pulling Alexander to the front door.

"Have fun, but not too much fun. I know how Renee likes to party." Riley winked at her.

"Bye Ri, lock up."Alexander kissed her head, picking up her keys.

Alexander walked into the bar. She always hated doing things like this.

"Girls “Renee squealed, running over to a table.

Alexander sighed, following behind Renee as she looked over the table. Her eyes fell on one person in particular.

The girl wasn't Alexander's usual type but her milky skin reminded her of Billie.

"Stop thinking about her." She mumbled as Renee waved her over.

That's what's been happening lately everything reminded her of the other girl, she couldn't get the younger girl off her mind. All she wanted to do was forget her.

"This is my best friend Alexander, Alex these are my girls, Linda, Alicia, Yovani, and last but not least Shelly."

Alexander lingered on Shelly for a little. She wasn't as curvy as the other girl.

"Nice to meet you, such beautiful ladies."

Alexander smiled, winking at them.

That's how the night went, Alexander flirted around the table while drinking shots of tequila.

She drifts out of the bar with Shelly in her arms. The two have been flirting and touching each other all night.

This led to her being in her room sprawled out with Shelly on her knees between her legs.

"Shit." Alexander wrapped her hair around her hands, guiding her.

The alcohol in Alexander's bloodstream had her orgasming sooner than she normally does.

"f**k Billie." Alexander pulled out, jerking over her face.

"Billie?" Shelly questioned, getting up off the floor.

"What?" Alexander frowned, looking at her.

"You just said the name Billie, you called me another girl name."

"No, I didn't." Alexander passed her a wet towel.

"Yeah, the f**k you did, you called me a b***h's name. I'm Shelly, not Billie."

"Don't call her a b***h. You know what get the f**k out."

"You just said you didn't call me that, but you're defending the bitch."

"I just told you not to call her a bitch." Alexander frowned, turning to her.

"I will say what the f**k I feel like." Shelly pointed her fingers at Alexander's face.

"Get the f*****g claws out of my face, do I need to drag you out of here? Get the f**k out."

"That's why your d**k little." Shelly grabbed her bags.

"That's why I should've shot some c*m in your eye, stupid ass." Alexander slammed her door close.

She rubbed her forehead. Why couldn't Billie just leave her alone from the start? Why the younger girl couldn't get on someone else, only fans?

Billie plague Alexander's mind, she never left. The conversations played like a broken record in her mind; it made Alexander want to slam her head into a wall.

Alexander groaned, her anger was turning into sadness, she was losing control.

"Fuck." Alexander shouted, swiping everything off her vanity.

"Alex, are you okay?." Riley bangs on her door. "Just get out of my mind." Alexander

slammed her fist into the mirror.

Alexander felt like her emotions were finally bubbling over, she was finally going to blow.

"Fuck." Alexander pushed over the vanity, not caring about her bleeding hand.

"I'm coming in." Riley kicked in her door.

"I hate this shit." Alexander fell to her knees, shaking her head.

"Hey what's going on."Riley hugged her tightly.

"I don't know what the f**k it is, it just hurts so much Riley."

"Breathe Alexander, just relaxed."Riley rubbed her back in slow circles.

"Why wouldn't she just get out my mind, why can't I just forget her."

Alexander finally allowed herself to cry. She broke down in her sister's arms.

"Hey, stop crying, I told you, you're an ugly crier Alexander" Riley wiped her tears, helping her up off the floor.

"f**k you "

"Let me get the first aid." Riley walked into the bathroom.

"Thanks, Ri." Alexander sighed.

"I'm always here for you, don't worry."

Alexander watched as Riley cleaned her hand, wrapping it.

"At least it's not broken, I forget how much of a hothead you are." Riley pats her head.

"I know it wasn't, I am a doctor after all."

"A p***y doctor, not a real one."

"Shut head. ." Alexander laughed, shaking her up.

"You should try writing your feeling Alex, in my psychology class they say that putting your feelings on paper then burning it, helps."

"Maybe I will try, I'm going to take a nap."

Riley kissed her forehead, walking out of her room.

Alexander grabbed her book bag, walking to her desk, emptying everything on it, grabbing a book and pen. She allowed the words to flow on the paper.

Dear Norra,

Have you ever heard the story about the moon, sun, and Earth? It is said that there was a love triangle between the 3 The sun and Earth were perfect for each other; he gave her light to grow her land, sunny weather for her people, and sunshine for her beaches. But every time the pair got close to each other, the sun was too bright he burnt her. The moon and sun were bad for each other. He gave her too much light that makes her crack, and she shades his light. No matter how much they wanted the sun, the moon, or earth couldn't have him, so they spend their time in rotation trying to get close to him. But he runs because he knows he can hurt them, which is how we have day and night. 

But, what people didn't know is, the earth and moon fell in love with each other, they were soulmates; They longed for each other but knew they couldn't mess up the rotation. So it is said that when it rains, the earth is weeping for her love. Once every century the rotation changes and the earth & moon get to be together.

I'm telling you this story because when we at least expect it, we fall in love with someone we thought we will never fall for. 

It's been two months since I have cut you off, and I hate it. I miss our long conversations about art and when I rant about video games, how you laugh and then call me a nerd.

I miss you Norra and I hate I do because it isn't right. No matter how much I hate it, you deserve to live this beautiful thing call life. Go to parties, get drunk, see your favorite celebrity, go to college. See the world, get your dream job. Just enjoy life.

Even if it's without me and no matter how much it pains me, I will never get to be a part of this, but such is life.

Do you believe in twin flames, Norra? They're like soulmates but more powerful, with soulmates we can find it in any type of relationship, I believe that my best friend Renee is my soulmate. It normally isn't supposed to be like this, but we can blame Zeus for that.

In Greek mythology, they spoke about how Zeus split humans in half, letting them look for each other for eternity, They didn't say that Zeus was an unfair man and twisted the fate of soulmates because of his fear of them becoming too powerful. Aphrodite saw this, and being the goddess of love, she created twin flames.

Two souls who were once the same energy consciousness, They represent two parts of the same original consciousness that divided into two to experience the nature of duality, expand learning and evolution of understanding, and ultimately reunite through love.

Which brings me back to the story of the moon, sun, and Earth. I believe that the frequency of the moon and Earth being twin flames causes the rotation to go the other way every century.

Norra, you see I have a stupid assumption because I am someone who can normally control my emotions.

Tonight I had a breakdown, and I still can't understand why, I have never even seen your face and this is how I'm acting?

My theory is that we were once the same energy split in half, put into two separate bodies to experience life differently.

Us, being twin flames explains a lot, I feel like I'm not experiencing my own emotions anymore.

I can't believe that Aphrodite took the brightest star out of the sky and gave it to me to spend the rest of my life with.  it's too bad that you will never know my theory, you will never know that I think we are better halves.

You will never know how much I miss you, how much my mind betrays me playing our old conversations like a record.

How heated my body gets just by the simplest things that remind me of you.

You will never know how much my heart breaks knowing that I will never speak to you again.

To wrap this all up, Norra, I hope you remain the brightest star; I know you can.

Love,

Alexander.

Alexander placed the pen down, grabbing the lighter, she flicks it three times watching the flames.