Professor C (camren)

19 - If

When a person longs for another, the first they think about are all the good memories they shared as they drift along the unforgiving tides of nostalgia.

But then, they recall the reason why they miss them in the first place - why they weren't together anymore. In turn, ruining reminiscences and defining the misery that never seemed to erode despite time.

That was often Camila's dilemma.

Regret was often the most prominent emotion bubbling in her being and as much as it plagued her to the point of physical pain, the unanswered questions and unexplored possibilities were worse.

If she hadn't been an i***t, in the first place, Camila wouldn't have pushed Lauren away. And granting that was inevitable, she could have done something other than pack her bags and leave the state; leaving open cuts that would unceasingly bleed. Had she searched for Lauren that morning, called her phone and exhausted every single change to get a hold of her, Camila wouldn't have been asking herself - wondering about the turnout and the conversation that would have ensued, granting Lauren permitted it.

But her predicament wasn't as simple as that.

For months, Camila was tormented by the demons she created in her head but the kindling had been implanted in her, congregated throughout her life.

It only needed a spark to start the blaze that would consume all in its path and in her case, it was a dislodging explosion.

And when she left Philadelphia, Camila yearned to leave everything away and start anew but memories would continue to haunt her to that very day.

Thinking wasn't all that bad, Camila would tell herself. For years, her only trusted companion were her thoughts. It didn't matter if they were grim, malicious or downright ridiculous – no one could judge her or belittle her, or tell her she was wrong. Her thoughts were what drove her to work hard and make something out of her life while burdened with a compelling heartache.

Then again, it didn't yield much unbiased opinion and would often stem from her sentiment, her sentiments alone – without care for another's grievances or for reason.

It was imperfect but it was her companion, nonetheless.

And without another person in the equation, the risk of being left behind again was virtually zero.

She appreciated Luca and Milo, she did but she was cautious; never allowing herself to invest in their company enough. Throughout the years that she'd known them, Camila braced for their foreseeable exodus from her life. She was utterly surprised that after nearly nine years, they were still around, and their circle gradually expanded to include Linda, Madame Patty, Darnell and little Elf.

Camila reminded herself to call the boy with his desired nickname. She promised herself that there would be a complete overhaul with the way she treated the boy continuing the changes that commenced since the boy hugged her one morning. She vowed to be his protector and she would validate his every sentiment and raise him with as much love as she could offer.

She'd do it for herself; to be the person she needed when she was growing up. She'd do it for Sofi, whom she had abandoned.

And she owed it to Elf. He was her son no matter how fleeting that title was.

The boy didn't have to be another victim of her afflictions.

But thinking was the last of Camila's priorities that night while she was wrapped in Lauren's pacifying arms and her nostrils were occupied by the scent that used to combine with her own in their old apartment. She noticed it in the other rooms of the little unit but it was the strongest in Lauren's bedroom.

And for once, Camila felt that she was finally home.

-

Morning came at a leisurely pace and woke Camila up with the gentlest of waking kisses. She didn't feel as though she had just shut her eyes while hoping to sleep her headache away. Quite the contrary, actually. She was well rested and the weight that resided in her chest wasn't as heavy as she remembered, or it just wasn't there while she was still drifting in and out of consciousness.

Lauren wasn't next to her anymore; that was the first thing she noticed and hiding her disappointment was virtually impossible. She wasn't the greatest at handling abandonment and being left alone wasn't the most appealing.

In the back of her head, she wanted a morning kiss – a good morning kiss.

Luca wasn't the greatest at it.

He would lift a finger to ask for a second, dash towards the bathroom, brush his teeth and come back for the kiss.

It was hygienic, he said.

Meanwhile, Lauren could have been uncomfortable with their sleeping arrangements and that was besides the fact that their makeshift bed was back ache-inducing. They hadn't had the best track record in the months since they've been reunited, mostly because Camila was an indecisive and vindictive monster that Lauren may have gotten tired of.

But of course, that wasn't true. By the way Lauren longingly stared at her alone, her thoughts - more so, her fears - would have been invalidated.

Then again, there was the unmistakable sizzle of frying food being stifled by the closed door. Lauren was making them breakfast and the aroma that drifted against her nostrils made Camila assume it was bacon.

And that was when Camila felt a little brashly imprudent. Somehow, she'd always assumed Lauren would just leave without saying goodbye. Frankly, she thought she wouldn't see Lauren the morning after they drunkenly engaged in ardent dalliance.

It was most likely a force of habit – or a trauma.

Camila was just so tired of being left behind.

Camila decided to leave her thoughts for now and pushed herself up to her feet. She wanted to help Lauren and that was what she had in mind when she carefully opened the door and closed it with the least noise. She figured the little munchkins were still out cold.

"Can I do it now?" Elf's little voice was heightened in an inquisitive tone, surprising Camila.

She had just rounded the divider and found Elf propped up on a chair next to Lauren. They both had tongs in one of their hands and they were standing in front of the stove. And by the looks of the plates off to Elf's side, they had been awake for a while.

They were almost done.

Camila was convinced that the boy was not talking about assisting in taking the cooked bacon out and into the awaiting plate. Elf had never cooked anything in his life nor had he even assisted in cutting sandwiches into triangles, which he somehow preferred over the rectangular ones.

But with Lauren encouraging him, it seemed like he could do anything.

"Be careful." Lauren warned him softly with a kiss to the boy's head. "Oil might hurt. It's hot."

"I'm a big boy, Miss Mauwen." Elf insisted and from where Camila stood, she swore she saw him puff his chest in a display of bravery.

Maybe it was true, she had to admit. He was almost six, and he'd been with the Clausnitzers for almost two years and within that duration, he'd grown to be a little more independent every day.

He just learned to tie his shoelaces thanks to Darnell.

"Yes, you are, buddy." Lauren concurred affectionately.

The psychologist's actions were warming Camila's heart despite the biting cold touch of nostalgia.

It may have been what Lauren looked like with Sofia when the little Cabello decided to barge in her older sister's room asking for food in the morning of the first time Lauren spent the night at the Cabello household.

They made waffles because Sofi asked for them.

And as far as milestones were concerned, it was the day after they first shared a kiss and the first fight that ensued hours later.

It was a little odd to be in Lauren's apartment almost 11 years after meeting her and not being anybody significant in her life.

Camila always figured she'd marry Lauren.

Camila would have worried about Lauren's living situation had she not lived with her for almost a year. Her frugal ex-girlfriend was satisfied with the simplest of things and didn't need much to call a house a home. She remembered teasing her about what she thought was Lauren's mantra and it was "cheap, cheap, frugal and cheap" and Lauren would argue with "simple, happy, not broke."

But Camila didn't have to say it because Lauren knew; she loved that lifestyle, too.

Camila forlornly smiled at the memory.

It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Hey." Lauren's voice was soft albeit the surprised hint, interrupting Camila in her musings. Her gaze flitted between Camila and Elf as the boy did his best at gripping the tongs tightly to keep the bacon from falling.

"Hey. Morning." Camila retorted hastily, having been caught off guard.

It was supposed to be the other way around.

But it didn't matter because Lauren was looking back at her and her lips were so...enticing, and it made Camila want to have that morning kiss even more. It was an insatiable hunger, it seemed and Camila might just lose her mind the longer she had to control her urges.

"I would ask you how your sleep went but accommodation is terrible, so..."

"Accommodation has been great." Camila reassured her, watching Lauren's sheepish smile quickly transform into that of relief. She ambled closer, seeing as the two yard distance was a little too unfriendly. "Need help?"

"My little helper here is doing just fine." Lauren set her hand on his head, gently massaging his scalp.

"I got it, Mrs. Claus!" Elf adorably exclaimed – mostly because he was uncontrollably excited and worried about the strip of bacon he was transferring to the plate. His determined eyes never left the greasy item and breathed a sigh of relief when he finally dropped it to where it should be.

That made the two women chuckle quietly in adoration.

Elf was just so endearing.

Apart from wanting to feel needed, he loved doing things for his family and those who cared about him. He was a precious little boy.

Camila didn't understand why his parents could just abandon him when they've spent over two years with him. Even when she had only been entirely involved in caring for him for a brief period, she couldn't imagine giving him up.

It was just a little disconcerting on her end that she didn't know much about Elf's history. She was going to ask Darnell about it but that could wait; she still had breakfast to worry about – breakfast with Lauren and their kids...the kids.

"Good job, Le-" Camila caught herself just in time, remembering the delicate conversation they had about her child being bullied. "Elf. Good job, Elf."

"Thank you!" The boy called out, still too tangled in his very crucial task.

While she could only see the back of Elf's head, Camila had a clearer view of Lauren's face. She was beaming at Camila and pride had lit up her gorgeous bare face. Camila didn't realize how she longed to see approval in those green eyes; she didn't realize how much she valued Lauren's validation until then.

Then again, she had often wondered about Lauren's opinions during her every milestone.

Needless to say, she was the first thing she sought for on her college graduation but obviously, she wasn't there.

Whatever tender moment they shared had vanished when Lauren decided to send a wink Camila's way. Even if she was mostly enticed by Lauren's lips, she saw it clearly. It might have been reflex or something Lauren had done to quietly convey her approval.

Camila had seen her do that to Pebble.

Regardless, it didn't make a difference in the way it made Camila feel. Her face was a little too prickly that it made her wonder if she had an allergic reaction. The buzzing in her chest courtesy of the pesky little bugs reminded her that was easily swooned by everything Lauren did.

Why did she have to wink?

"Is Pebble still sleeping?" Camila awkwardly mumbled just to say something and clear out the thick air that was only suffocating her. Lauren was doing just fine while she had to rock herself on her feet.

"Yeah, she's not a morning person." Lauren chuckled to herself, remembering her previous struggles with the three-year-old. She perched both her hands on her waist, mildly struggling with the occupied one. "We'll wake her when the food's ready."

Camila nodded aimlessly as if she was dissecting Lauren's answer. She didn't feel at peace being the only person without a task. Heck, a kid was cooking and she was just standing there.

Naturally, she had to ask again after she cleared her throat loudly.

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do?"

Lauren looked like she was genuinely considering it. She lifted a hand to scratch her chin as she looked around the kitchen to find something to keep Camila occupied. When she didn't, she expanded her search until her eyes brightened.

"You can set the table." She suggested with such ease until she realized that it sounded like a command more than anything. And so, she added a word that would fix it. "Please?"

"Yeah, sure. Of course!" Camila eagerly answered, unable to stay still.

"Uh...plates are over there, the glasses and tumblers are next to it and the silverware are in the drawer below." Lauren pointed to several directions and Camila's eyes were quick to follow them. "And there's coffee ready for us."

For us. It sounded like one of the greatest phrases Camila had ever heard. She took a couple of seconds to endure the way it suppressed her breathing, the way her skin crawled and the way her heart clenched.

It was almost inconceivable how Lauren still had that firm hold on her despite distance, despite time but Camila didn't mind it anymore.

She made quick work gathering the necessary items and setting them all on the table. She was efficient but wasn't frantically trying to complete her task. In fact, her movements seemed to have been formed by habit, as if she'd been doing it enough for it to be reflexive.

The whole scheme of that morning wasn't what they were used to at all but everything fell into place. Lauren and Camila were experts at cohabiting once upon a time. They complemented each other.

What one failed to do, the other did it for them.

And whenever neither knew whatever the hell they were doing, they would learn together.

"How long have you guys been awake?" Camila asked as she set two pairs of knives and forks onto each plate. It was a little challenging to fit four into the unimaginably small table that proper table setting was scrapped in an instant.

"Around an hour." Lauren momentarily glanced at her, keeping her raw bacon-occupied hand dangling in midair.

"And what time do you have to go to work?"

"Ideally, I should be there at 8:00 but I can go at 10:00." Her words were muffled by the searing crackle of the last batch of strips she laid out. "I called Ida."

"That's good." Camila angled her head in all sorts of direction, examining her work. She wasn't as convinced by it but made do with two plates on each corner while the other two were pushed closer to the wall. "I'd feel like we're a burden if you were ever late because of us."

"It won't be the worst reason. It's not even in the vicinity of 'bad.'" Lauren shrugged off a little too casually, eliciting a slight upward twitch to the corner of Camila's lips.

While Lauren couldn't leave Elf alone with all the hazards around him, Camila was free to do anything.

Despite Lauren's protests, Camila continued her streak by moving onto the coffee table, where their wine glasses and the empty bottle still resided. She wiped it down and rearranged the pile of artwork, putting Pebble's drawing of her on top. She'd chuckle when Lauren would call for her, asking her to stop and even stomped immaturely as the raspy voice would range from stern to a helpless whine.

Camila's smile was the brightest and slightly wicked, when she returned to the psychologist's side.

Camila didn't wonder what the faltering of Lauren's faux displeasure meant. But Lauren was staring at her lips and anyone with eyes would have deciphered its meaning effortlessly.

-

"I'll just go wake Pebble." Lauren announced upon setting the plate with reheated blueberry muffins on the table, completing their menu along with scrambled eggs and bacon.

"Can I go do it?" Elf looked up, gaze flitting between the two women.

Always the gentleman.

"Are you sure?" Lauren asked with a hand to his shoulder, earning an eager nod from the boy. She laughed quietly just because she found it a little amusing that he could see Luca in Elf. "Be very gentle, okay?"

"Promise." Elf declared; exclaiming the word that Pebble would have said.

The little girl was rubbing off on him and it was too darn adorable.

Promises were sacred to Pebble and Lauren's relationship. And every single vow they made were bubbling with conviction and the desire to follow through. Lauren had never broken one in the year that she'd known Pebble and it reassured the child that someone other than Uncle Roby and her neighbor loved her.

Pebble was convinced Auntie Mila and Elf loved her; Auntie Dinah was awesome, too.

"Thanks, bud."

Camila's attention had been devoted to Lauren up until that point. She had explored various possibilities of that morning; of them waking up together and sharing an intimate kiss while observing Lauren's graceful movements. Camila would have loved to be reminded of Lauren's feelings for her first thing that morning, much like she'd done the morning after their love making.

She could celebrate that Lauren was still head over heels for her and use it to her advantage. Love meant a lot of things but love could be used against anyone and the agony from it would be the most devastating.

However, she found herself hoping for something better, for something to flourish because she loved her, too – she still loved her.

Camila wasn't completely wicked, she reckoned. Had Lauren heard her thoughts, she would have vehemently insisted that she was far from vile. Lauren would reason that she was just...derailed and putting her back together would only make her all the more beautiful.

But what Elf said next got Camila's attention. She and Lauren easily picked out one important detail to the boy's fondness for the psychologist. It was more than just wanting to belong, it seemed. He genuinely admired Lauren and loved with all that a child could offer, even to the point of idolizing the woman.

While Elf would typically answer another person's gratitude with "you're welcome", it wasn't the case then.

"Anytime, Miss Mauwen." Elf happily skipped towards the room, leaving two dumbfounded women.

"Huh..." Lauren exhaled interestedly, following the boy's image until he carefully let himself in her room.

There was a grin on her lips in her amazement and she was going to address what had just happened to the boy's parent. But instead of instigating a conversation, her words had been imbibed by the lips that encapsulated her bottom one while a hand on her cheek secured her in place.

Her apparent surprise was easily overcame, indulging in Camila's lips keenly as the familiar flavor seeped to her taste buds. She reciprocated her eagerness, settling her hands over her hips and brought them closer as Camila's free one found place on ivory cheeks; both sensing their rapid pulse at the very tips of their fingers.

Their movements were rushed as if they had been deprived of each other for an eternity but the desire to show a supposed unspoken profound emotion had been decanted to the other with ever fervent caress.

"Good morning to you, too." Lauren grinned through her ragged breaths as soon as they pulled apart. Her smile was wide, thrilled; unlike the soft ones Camila had seen in the months of their reunion.

The gesture easily validated Camila's hasty and admittedly emotion-driven decision, curving her lips to portray a breathless smile of her own.

"Coffee?" Lauren offered, to which Camila answered with a nod. "I can do it. Stay there." She ordered playfully before the younger woman could follow her to the espresso machine, leaving Camila to bashfully drop her head.

As her chest continued to heave, Camila caught sight of her table arrangement. She wondered how they all would fit in the selfish space that the small slab allowed with only two chairs. She assumed they would take turns eating with Lauren and her feeding the little ones before they could fill their own bellies.

But she was utterly and pleasantly surprised by what transpired moments later.

Elf had sat on Lauren's lap and Pebble settled on hers. Camila combed her suddenly wild hair as the little girl rubbed at her stardust-riddled eyes. The women were admittedly uncomfortable, tightly wedged between the back of the seat and the kids, and the weight of on their laps were effectively cutting blood flow to their legs to a certain degree but they were all gratified to be with each other.

When Elf fed Lauren several pieces of his bacon with his bare hands, Pebble copied him but escorted some blueberry muffins to Camila's mouth – crumbs drizzling like snowflakes. And instead of wiping her greasy hands on the napkin like the refined boy that Elf was, Pebble flattened hers on her pajama-clad torso and did a quick and determined swipe.

Problem solved.

Watching the scene unfold was not helping Camila climb out of her reverie. Instead, she was strapped into it and she would never find the strength to climb back out for the rest of the time she spent with Lauren and the kids.

"I'll just wash dishes. You kids can go color or something." Lauren instructed upon noticing that every single plate was empty save for the morsels that Pebble was playing with.

"I can help, Mauwen." Pebble hurriedly offered, beaming a proud smile towards her babysitter and second parent. She was squirming in Camila's lap, prompting the economist to hold onto her.

"I'd appreciate that, baby. Thank you."

Lauren was ready to set Elf down on the ground, holding him by the torso when the boy interjected. But instead of the excited twinkle in Pebble's words, his was cagy and a little too insecure. Elf had never been exposed to household chores. He was as sheltered as can be in the Clausnitzer estate and he was too young to help the people who had abandoned him.

"Can I help, too?" Elf looked between the two women, searching for approval. His eyes were wide and helpless, riddling the determination that was breaking the surface.

"Absolutely!" Lauren exclaimed with an exaggerated grin, tickling the relieved boy into a laughing fit. She smothered him with little kisses all over his face and even made a display of biting his ears with loud, masticating noises that only intensified his giggles.

Meanwhile, Camila watched with rapt attention. It was tugging at her heart and manipulating her insides but it wasn't necessarily bad.

But god, was she in awe of Lauren's inherent ability to handle children.

The women had to make a game plan for their task that Camila involved herself in. Lauren would have protested but with each try, Camila profusely reminded her that it was merely a show of gratitude for watching her kid.

And so, they created a little labor line in front of the sink. Lauren was tasked to clear out the dishes, flatware and glasses of food and liquid, and lathering them up. Elf, perched on a chair, would pick it up from a pool of warm water and hand it to his foster mother. Camila would wipe it dry and relay it to Pebble. Finally, the youngest participant atop the counter would deposit them all in the cupboards with Camila's help.

They were creating a small puddle by their feet and all four of them were admittedly wet but they were happy.

It wasn't the most efficient but laughing through their dishwashing made it worthwhile.

Camila wondered if that was what she had turned her back on – a family or the greatest privilege of raising one with Lauren. Because if it was, she would have had made the biggest mistake of her life.

Thoughts would often plague Camila and they would often be symmetrical to those that arose while spending hours upon hours in Lauren's home.

She pondered on what would have happened if Lauren never decided enough was enough and left her. She wondered what staying in Philadelphia would have meant instead of fleeing it. And now, she marveled at the possibilities of reconciliation.

Lastly, she deliberated if she deserved Lauren or the unsurpassed bliss she could bless her with after the years she spent in hiding.

"If" was a dangerous word. It meant condition. It meant unknown. It meant uncertainly.

And "if" meant a gamble that oftentimes, only the brave or the foolish take. But no matter the outcome, they emerge with an added wisdom or a humbling gratification.

It was such a shame that Camila was only left to wonder.

-

There was chaos in Lauren's small apartment.

Where there used to be only one inhabitant, running around the place to get ready for work, there were four and two were in need of assistance – not that Elf would ever ask for it. They alternated in the bathroom, where Lauren decided to change in for privacy instead of strutting out naked to her bedroom like she would have.

As deliberated by the adults, Pebble was first to get ready just so Camila could change the little girl while Lauren showered. She and Elf didn't have to put shower that early in the morning but she did make sure they changed into dry clothes. Lauren offered an old t-shirt for Camila to change in.

Camila decided that she wanted Elf to take the day off and called the school, telling them she heard about the incident and would discuss the matter with her husband, promising that whatever they would agree upon would be detrimental to their institution.

Needless to say, their headmaster apologized copiously and instantly ordered an investigation on the issue.

It all went by like a blur, almost as if wind was blowing against Camila's eyes.

In no time, they were at the parking lot and Lauren was helping her strap Elf's seat in the back of her SUV with little struggle. There were proud smiles upon their faces upon completion, even stretching their limbs enough to give each other a well-deserved high five from either side of the car.

The children busied themselves by hugging each other, effectively reducing the adults into adoring spectators.

It was a beautiful, too beautiful that both women wanted to preserve it.

Camila was ready with her camera in no time, and Lauren made her promise to send it to her.

And as she climbed into her car that morning, Pebble's drawing perched on the dashboard, Camila realized that her addiction to nicotine hadn't been as fiery as usual despite feeling the utter lack of the stick wedged between her fingers. She decided that it was shame and her aversion from allowing Lauren to see her succumb to substance abuse that led her to shrug it off for the time being.

But it seemed as though the urge to light one up was the most powerful when she was angry and/or miserable, and wasting hours with Lauren momentarily saved her from them.

-

Their expedition to the estate seemed shorter than usual with Camila and little Elf busying themselves with conversations filled with the boy's wonderment. He was describing how his day went with Lauren, highlighting his time at the activity center, which he made out to be short-lived despite spending three hours in the facility.

Elf was ecstatic, and Camila could only imagine Lauren's great exhaustion with two little kids to watch. It made her abundant and seemingly uncontrollable gratitude to Lauren all the more warranted.

And Camila promised herself to thank Lauren again soon; maybe a text message would be permissible after their more than friendly time together.

But as far as promises go, she was going to fulfill one that day and it concerned the young boy.

Elf was going to have Camila at his disposal for the rest of the day, it was a vow the professor made the night before.

The five-year-old seemed eager to complete his homework after they showered, Elf with the help of his nanny. Camila did make a little detour before stepping into the bathroom; out to the balcony with an ashtray in tow, she exhausted two white sticks just staring at the bare woodland that surrounded their generous backyard.

She needed it to gorge the monster that persistently hankered for the scorch in her lungs.

It was a conundrum to Camila how the boy could be enthused with his advanced classes while most children loved to just play all day but she was proud of him, too. They had a menagerie of equipment and toys to keep them company for days on end but Elf chose school work.

Camila took a moment to scrutinize him, see if there was any sort of fear in his eyes or if he was high on the sugar he had ingested during breakfast but she found genuine interest.

And so, they stayed at their large kitchen island with the boy's nose buried in his books and his nuisance of a nanny standing by. Camila still didn't know her name and she may have felt a little too immature for still holding a grudge on her but she could not help it.

"Got it?" Camila aimlessly bobbed the teabag in the darkening hot water, taking a peak at the boy's work. She had answered query after query with little to no thoughts about the subject until she found the header of the page.

Her brows knitted in confusion as she read "sentence building", involving capitalization and punctuation, something she would typically find in first grade lesson plans.

That stuck-up school really meant business when they claimed their students were advanced. And the more Camila discovered about the supposedly incredible school, the more she regret enrolling the boy there, and that was apart from the bullying. She really needed to talk to Luca about it but she wasn't going to bother him until he arrived the following day.

But for some reason, Elf was doing well and seemed as though he had adapted to their curriculum.

"Yes." He took a moment from his work to smile at Camila, gripping his pencil a little too tight to keep it on the line he was writing on. "Thank you!"

"What do you say after that?"

"Anytime!" Elf retorted a little more eagerly, making Camila chuckle. But he wasn't finished yet. "And 'you're welcome,' too."

"That's right but in school, you have to say 'you're welcome.'" Camila almost rolled her eyes at what she was saying. It was stated in their handbook under "proper school etiquette" along with the "good morning" Lauren forwent when she confronted the teacher making excuses for Josh.

"Okay." He answered quickly, engrossing himself back to his work. "You're welcome anytime, Mrs. Claus."

That made the professor chuckle tenderly, ruffling the boy's soft tresses. She ended up neatly brushing them with her hands to smoothen out the mess she had made. Her aura was light as Elf chased away the most of the darkness that tormented her spirit, squeezing himself in the crevice of her chest.

It earned seemingly warranted incredulous gazes from the nanny and Linda but the older woman always knew an innocent soul was residing within Camila, reticently shielding itself from the cruel world.

"Get back to work, smarty pants."

Camila waited until they both had lunch before instigating the grave conversation. She even allowed Elf to play with Rudolph in his room and she just sat there with the boy, throwing a small ball multiple times for the hound to fetch.

She did step out once and everyone knew what it alluded to.

The more Camila spent time with the child, the worse she felt for virtually ignoring him for almost two years. Elf was without fault and he did not play a hand in Camila's fate up until the day Darnell brought him up in a conversation with Luca. Those people, those students she met in Indiana weren't culpable and didn't deserve her wrath.

But of all of them that she viciously treated, Elf was the least deserving.

-

They were on the floor inside the home theater, watching the last five minutes of the newest animated movie in their collection of DVDs. It was Luca who purchased them and he picked them out meticulously to use the boy's one movie a week rule to the fullest. The couple had collectively decided that Elf was allowed three hours of screen time per week, which he barely took advantage of.

Elf would typically spend it watching a movie or three 20-minute episodes of cartoons with his nanny, Rudolph and another person from his family. The previous week, he watched one with Dinah and Linda, and the week before that, he spent it with both Dinah and Luca.

Unfortunately, of the numerous months Elf spent at their home it was Camila's first time to accompany him.

She did have valid excuses, though. She was too involved in her job with the desire to keep her mind occupied, kept from examining her past. And as she sat there on the floor with a dinosaur-printed blanket, leaning against one of the soft theater seats with her legs extended, she cursed herself for searching for different kinds of distractions when the most rewarding was laying on her lap.

A couple of years earlier, Elf would have saved her from the grip of her addiction.

"Mr. Claus is coming home tomorrow. Are you excited?" Camila muttered as credits began to roll in hasty succession. She continued to gently massage his head until the boy laid on his back and stared at her, grin gleaming with delight.

"Yes!" He exclaimed and threw his fists in the air with an adorable growl, eliciting a chuckle from his mother. "I miss Mr. Claus, and Aunt Dinahsaur and Nana Patty, and gramma and grampa."

"What are you going to do when you see them?"

"Hug them real tight." Elf folded his arms in front of his chest, squeezing tightly and in turn, clenching Camila's heart with such adoration. "And give them lots of kisses."

"Where's mine, ther?" Camila teased him, feigning hurt that only made the boy a little worried and inadvertently made him sit up as his features portrayed a quizzical look.

"But I hugged you last night when I saw you with Miss Mauwen." He reasoned with tensed brows and lips that were curved into a frown. He stared at Camila as if he had been betrayed but beneath it was the hopeful glint he always looked at her with. "I was happy to see you."

Elf wasn't quite sure how often he was allowed to wrap his mother in an embrace.

"So? You can still hug me right now."

Upon Camila's feigned indifference that she displayed with a shrug, the boy scrambled up to her and wrapped his small arms around his foster mother's neck. Elf was guarded but he sat on her lap in his search for a much comfortable position. He only loosened his grip to plant several kisses to her cheek and soon nuzzled his face in Camila's neck.

Elf had never done that before but he was hopeful that it wouldn't be the last. Camila's affection towards him came in limited hugs and a small peck to his cheek. He never questioned her cold shoulder as Luca would explain that Camila was going through something.

It was almost as if Elf was the adult with how understanding he was; he was even sympathetic to the greatest degree that he could comprehend. He knew how it felt to be unloved and unwanted, and all he wanted to do was heal with Camila – to help her through her battles but he was never allowed to.

And while Camila seemed to have been a renewed woman and began to shower him with love, he didn't hold a grudge against her and forgave her without receiving a merited apology.

Children pardoned so easily.

It was almost unfair on them.

Then again, children were like angels in disguise; they make the punishing world a little less bleak.

"I'm glad you're here, Mrs. Claus." Elf declared in a quiet whisper.

His confession manipulated Camila's body into flushing her nose and overwhelming her throat, prompting her to choke back a sob. Her heart was heavy with trepidation as she recalled all those times she found the longing in his eyes that she was never willing to appease.

Camila wanted to reason that she needed validation, too; that she was also tragically mistreated by fate. But still, Elf never deserved an unkind foster mother and the thought compelled her to tighten her grip around his small torso.

With the gesture, Elf decided that Camila loved him, too.

And maybe it wasn't just Elf who had been influenced by Lauren as Camila unknowingly called him by the pet name her ex-girlfriend awarded her son with.

"Me, too, buddy." Camila breathed against the back of his head, gently rubbing his back. "Me, too."

"I love you, Mrs. Claus." Elf took Camila by surprise, prompting another flurry of emotion that overwhelmed her to the core.

It was getting a lot harder to keep her emotions in check when her son was practically giving her everything she had been missing for years. Rapidly, she blinked her eyes until she had chased her tears away. There was nothing she could do about the heaviness in her chest. Her heart was slamming against her ribs, it was abusing her as if telling her that those were the things she should be fighting for; Elf and being unabashedly loved.

Vengeance hadn't given her as much gratification.

"I love you, too, buddy."

Camila swore she could hear him sniffle but chose not to say anything. She swayed the boy in her arms, tickling him into releasing the softest giggles until he was lulled completely; content to be in a motherly hug.

The pair was interrupted by the nanny who had returned with Elf's afternoon snacks and set it down on the blanket. Linda had prepared the boy some peanut butter sandwich, various fruits cut in small pieces and a juice box. It seemed as though the woman had plans of her own and took it upon herself to organize a little picnic for two, doubling the portions.

Linda was acting like Camila's mother; appeasing the professor's longing for Sinu to a meager degree. Her mother was irreplaceable. Camila wished she could just overcome her resentments and rancor against her parents but it was a pill that she could not swallow yet; it had been lodged in her throat for far too long.

Camila felt like it was as good as any time to bring up the dreaded conversation concerning Elf's situation at his school, and asked the nanny to give them some time alone and to relay her gratitude to Linda. The young lady wasn't as reluctant to leave as the first time. Apart from the verbal assault that she was still haunted by, she could sense Camila's efforts and she wasn't fearing for Elf's life anymore.

It may have been a little exaggerated but she was convinced the daggers from Camila's eyes could murder anyone.

Camila allowed the boy to finish his triangular sandwiches and some cut up pieces of apples before she brought up the subject while she, too, devoured her share. Another compelling strike of wistfulness ran down Camila's spine. She filled her lungs with air, hoping to alleviate the pain in the slightest and exhaled with a comforting sigh.

It had been a while since she had a peanut butter sandwich, worsening her longing for yesteryears. She and Sofi would enjoy them with some strawberry jam out on the dock in front of their pool as they listened to the waves wafting against the shore.

"Can I talk to you about school?" Camila queried softly, carefully skewering the straw into the juice box. "Is that okay?"

She watched as the boy's carefree features crumpled with his fear. Elf didn't say anything; he merely nodded and kept his gaze down on the cartoon triceratops even while he was accepting the beverage Camila was offering.

"It's okay. You're not in trouble. I promise." Camila placated with a soothing hand on his back. She beamed at him when the boy looked up with his innocent eyes, wide and inquisitive. "Do you like school, buddy?"

Elf was reluctant but he nodded anyway.

"It's okay if you don't." She reassured the boy and gave him space to process everything as she poked another straw into an unopened juice box; taking a long sip and humming when the tangy apple flavor drenched her taste buds.

"I like it." Elf truthfully told his mother despite the minute volume of his insecure voice.

It bothered Camila how fearful he was at the subject. It only meant that the Josh kid had distressed him enough to leave a scar that would haunt him for days on end until the issue was resolved.

Camila was grateful that it was Lauren who dealt with it first, to a degree. She would have raised hell and roasted every single teacher in the midst, who had the audacity to even keep her from pursuing Josh's parents, and maybe do a little bullying of her own. Having a word with Josh would have been the greatest goal but she did recognize that he was still a child, too, and she couldn't employ the terror she brought upon the colleges she taught in.

Lauren's way of handling the situation was definitely miles and miles more diplomatic.

The circumstances prompted Camila ponder on the possibility of the boy being bullied had she been a more active parent; taking him to school daily and having a conversation with his teachers to just rattle them.

But in the end, it was another kid's choice to be cruel and Lauren would have told her that it was virtually beyond the teacher's control as the only fix would start from his home.

"Do you want me to go march there and scare them all?" Camila managed to quip, prodding the boy in his belly and successfully eliciting a giggle from him. "I can make my eyes real wide and scary."

She made a goofy display of parting her eyelids, intensifying the laughter her ears and heart were being blessed with. It was a beautiful melody she'd missed out on, and Camila was determined to make him laugh more.

That dialogue was a lot easier than she had perceived. Truthfully, she worried that she had to ask for Lauren or Luca's help to get through to the boy and in that case, the psychologist was the best candidate to have a tag team with.

Although, despite the lightness and the adorable turn of their conversation, Camila still had concerns that she needed Elf's help to appease. Whatever decision she would make regarding his education, she would ask for the boy's opinion.

After all, it was his life and if his love for the school outweighed the anguish the bully brought upon him, Camila would support her son.

This time, she'd keep a watchful eye on him.

"Please tell me if you don't want to be there anymore." Camila reached for his free hand and waggled it gently. She smiled when he finally took a sip of the beverage, which meant he wasn't as distressed as he was. "We can move you to another school or we can hire someone to teach you right here. I'll make sure you and Pebble will become study mates."

"Really?" Elf's eyes were bright and wide, it was almost comical.

The boy loved the prospect of making his own decisions. He was too ecstatic the first time Luca suggested that he pick out his own clothes.

They went to the café with Elf wearing his dinosaur onesie that day.

"Really. Just say the word."

"Is it okay if I stay there?" Elf mumbled carefully, not quite keen on declining Camila's offer. He didn't want her to perceive it as ingratitude; he was anything but ungrateful.

"Of course. It's completely up to you."

"I'll stay. I'm brave." He resolutely decided and Camila just watched in awe as his confidence shined in the way he straightened himself.

It was one more reason to thank Lauren. Having the psychologist greatly helped with his self-esteem and his level of comfort around Camila. Camila may never know that it was Lauren who had told the boy to take a leap of faith and just wrap his mother in an affectionate hug.

It was the turning point of their relationship.

"Yes, you are." Camila agreed, winking at her son, who giggled with the straw between his teeth.

She wouldn't know that Elf would do it for her because finally, he had her approval – her affection and her love. It was his only dream for himself apart from wishing that those he'd left at the orphanage would find a family like the Clausnitzers albeit oddly dysfunctional.

Elf didn't stay long; only waiting for a couple of days as Darnell processed his papers. He was instantly the case worker's priority, reaching out to the Clausnitzers and practically begging them to consider fostering.

It was imperative that Elf be placed with them and Camila simply assumed his friend was just that eager to help. The boy was three with nothing but the clothes on his back; he needed as much help as he could get.

"Can you promise me something, though?" Camila took an abrupt halt to smile when she found the boy nod incessantly. He was such a pleaser. "Will you tell me if the boy at school is mean to you again? Miss Lauren and I will talk to his mommy and daddy."

"I will." Elf agreed, popping some orange segments in his mouth and made a show of chewing it with that grin that Camila didn't want to fade.

There was a little sliver of silence that followed as Camila stared at the blissful boy. At one point, she brought him closer to wipe at his face and hands, planting a tender kiss to his nose upon finishing the task because it made her happy.

It was then that she understood the unparalleled bliss that rewarded parents when around their children.

It was the purest kind of happiness; to be blissful because another person is.

But Camila's shroud of peace would soon be infiltrated by thoughts of Lauren and the events that occurred on that day. It was the freshest memory that could visit her that she was instantly drenched with it.

Her body was overwhelmed by image after image as her skin tingled with the fiery sensation of Lauren's touch in contrast with her soothing warmth that ultimately lulled Camila to sleep.

Camila fondly remembered the taste of Lauren's lips and suddenly, the words that left her mouth before she fell asleep.

"She called me Camz..." Camila's features gaped, jaw tediously dropping until it rested just enough for her to look like a mindless buffoon.

Her words were nothing but a whisper but every breath was stolen from Camila's lips as soon as she uttered them. It was a realization that she never thought would hit her and she couldn't have fathomed the impact that brought it careening towards her.

It was a little worrying that throughout her little chat with Elf, her thoughts would drift towards Lauren and how involved the psychologist was in her life. The tangles that once bound them were back, weaving into each other.

And it seemed as though this time, it was lasting.

Lauren had implanted herself in the hearts of Camila's new family.

Heck, Milo seemed obsessed with her.

Camila didn't know how to feel but there was a menagerie of emotions swirling in her gut and each one was hurting her to a degree while some brought her the greatest bliss and effervescently flickering hope.

But when Camila couldn't understand anything, her frustrations would rise with every tingle of her skin and twitch of her restless limbs. And before she knew it, she was rambling to herself to relieve the tightness in her chest, attracting Elf's attention.

"Who does she think she is? She comes here and flashes me that smile and it's like I never hated her. I even gave myself to her so quickly again. I should be offended. This is not right anymore. I shouldn't just let her do this. But I want h-"

"Mrs. Claus," Elf respectfully interrupted, sipping from his juice box a little loudly as he patiently waited for Camila to acknowledge him. "Are you okay?"

"No." Camila admitted with an exasperated sigh.

"You can tell me. I can help."

"Yeah? Are you going to tell Luca or Aunt Dinah...or Nana Patty or Auntie Milo?" She gasped when she recalled one last person that shouldn't know of her predicament. "Or Miss Lauren?"

Camila was skeptical and she looked at the boy to see if he was at least prepared for what he was about to hear. She narrowed her eyes at Elf, who had stared right back at her. There was a fleeting sense of pride when she noticed that his conviction was unwavering and he was prepared to listen because her apprehension would resurface and would come back with a vengeance.

What harm could he do?

"I just...there's this girl I used to be...friends with before in high school." Camila struggled to form words that she made it appear that she was talking to someone with the likes of Dinah and Luca, or another adult. She began running her hand up and down her thighs, not quite looking back at the oddly calm.

"Who?" Elf immediately followed, quietly celebrating the fact that he knew what high school meant thanks to Dinah and Camila.

Taken aback, Camila huffed and puffed as the pressure in her chest intensified. He wasn't supposed to ask who; he was just meant to listen and ask questions like what transpired between the "girl" and Camila, and not go into semantics.

The question was causing a pandemonium as Camila struggled to find an appropriate pseudonym. Unconsciously holding her breath, she looked around in search for names or words that would give Lauren justice. All the while, her heart would wreak havoc in her chest, depleting her oxygen levels.

It felt as though she had participated in a marathon with the way her body was reacting. She was instantly restless and had to do something as she sat there.

And when she ran out of breath, she huffed out two words.

"Megan Fox."

"Are you happy with Megan Fox?"

Camila didn't expect to stir Elf's curiosity but who was she kidding? Although, she was a little disappointed that the boy didn't even think much of the name. She would have appreciated a second or two of silence to compose herself.

"Yes?" She unsurely retorted. Her thoughts told her that she was betraying herself by admitting that Lauren elicited such happiness despite expecting to be solely infuriated by her. She determinedly brushed her words off, waving her hand but when they landed back on her thighs, she began to dig her right index deeper on her skin. "But it's complicated."

"How come?" Elf momentarily abandoned the all-natural drink and stared at Camila, unconsciously raising his chin along with his brows.

"We have history." Camila felt as though she was under intense scrutiny that came from a person who was much older than five and with similar experiences. But no matter who was asking, she felt the need to speak and explain her side albeit meekly. "We have a past. Like...we haven't seen each other in a while."

"Is that bad?"

"No. But...b-but..." She shook her head, taken aback by the question. She dumbly opened and closed her mouth to try and coax eloquent words out but her own voice failed her with a ridiculous defensive. "But she did something bad to me because I did something bad to her. Something like that."

"You should forgive her." Elf noted simply, nodding to offer support to his statement.

He looked to be a psychologist, diagnosing Camila's problems of the heart and was impressively still the entire time. He was as involved in the conversation as Camila. Although, what struck her the most was that the child definitely reminded her of Lauren and her career.

"Why should I?" Camila stubbornly and immaturely shot as if Elf could understand the depth of her teething troubles. She was pathetically whining and it was an insult to her degrees and achievements.

At some point, she felt attacked. And as she revealed certain details bit by bit, she was drawn out into the open instead of being coddled by the shadow. She was forced to examine her reasons for being angry at Lauren and why she was holding a grudge.

Camila was allowed to feel anything. By all means, she could but it was not only hiding her from the light of lucidity, it was afflicting her as well.

"Because when you're angry, your heart will cry that's why it hurts." He let go of his beverage to clutch at his heart, tightly at that. He was intently staring at Camila, seeing if she was following his logic. "I feel it sometimes."

In the simplest of words, Camila was led to clarity and the tight knot in her gut quickly unraveled.

Camila believed that children taught adults lessons that they should have never pruned in the first place. They remind those that have lost their innocence to love without fault, have eyes that only see the goodness in people, and pardon like no mistake had been committed.

Everything was a lot easier when their ages were only one digit long. The rusty dreamer in her wondered if Peter Pan was hiding somewhere in London, waiting for her.

"You're too smart for that school." Camila noted, laughing her frustrations away as she cupped the boy's cheeks in her hands. "If you're ready for high school, we can just ship you to ninth grade."

"But Aunt Dinahsaur said high school is for big kids." Elf struggled to speak but stayed still to allow his mother to squish his cheeks.

"Didn't you say you were a big boy?" Camila pulled back and stared at him knowingly.

"I am." He insisted with such conviction it was admirable.

"That's right but I change my mind. I don't want you in high school yet." She told him while scrunching up her nose in a faux disapproval and Elf accepted her decision without qualms.

Her conversation with Elf was beneficial to both of them.

Everything had been settled on his end. As for Camila's, they had only scraped the surface as the boy uncovered truths from the woman, who had the hardest time just even acknowledging her emotions.

What Camila would do after would matter. She could attempt to dig up a grave and bury it there again or allow herself to be drowned in it until she learned how to swim.

But it was progress in the right direction.

-

When Camila laid in bed that night, she thought about what Elf had told her and his tiny voice morphed into a compelling monologue that left her with no choice but to think until she was exhausted. It wasn't the fix she needed to mend what was broken between her and Lauren but there wasn't much she could do.

Her resentments would remain to hold her back but it wasn't as powerful when she reached for her phone and sent Lauren a text. She thanked the psychologist again for caring for Elf and being the person he needed; joking about how her counseling expertise might be needed soon.

And Lauren replied with "Anytime, Professor! Happy to be of service."

And whatever the uncovered truth meant to Camila and no matter her willingness to digest them, some things remained true; she still could not get enough of Lauren.

Because regardless of their failed relationship, Camila was still madly in love with her.

And it was for those reasons that Camila wandered to Lauren's office with two cups of coffee in a to-go box; the cappuccino Lauren liked and her usual espresso that Wednesday. She wasn't supposed to start teaching until Friday, and the drafts of the projects she assigned were due at 5:00 on that day for her to return for final editing.

She realized she was practically a damper in their impending spring break but she had deadlines, too.

Essentially, Camila had no business being in Lafayette Community College until that afternoon but she wanted to see Lauren before Luca, Dinah and the rest of the Clausnitzers arrived later in the night from the trip she and Elf had to cut short.

She told Lauren some bullshit excuse that she was accepting queries from students regarding the project she assigned but never left Lauren's office.

Camila knew that Lauren knew there was no truth to her words but the psychologist never made a comment about it. It seemed as though she was countering Camila's eagerness.

It was irrational but it made sense to a person who had deprived herself of happiness for so long; she was beginning to be hungry for it and her appetite was voracious.

It was insatiable.

The very next day, Camila came in with coffee again and the last couple of folders that she wasn't able to finish checking for her class the subsequent morning. Ideally, her office/bedroom would have given her the greatest luxury while doing her work but the adjacent room in Lauren's office while sitting in front of the gorgeous psychologist was the best place in the world.

They hadn't done anything more than kiss, and each time they did, the fire of Lauren's guilt would be stifled by Camila's mouth.

Those two days would lead them to abruptly decide to spend spring break together...right under everyone's unsuspecting noses.

Talking can wait, Camila decided.

If Lauren was willing, so was she.