Not Quite the Opposites (camren)

19 - Positively Disappointed

Mornings always carry some sort of positivity in them. Always, being an inconsistent entity. The breaking of the dawn and the bursting of the new morning had always offered me optimism regardless of the commotion that was the previous night.

It wasn't like that when I woke up that Sunday morning, though. It wasn't just the usual problematic night.

I had scraped my dignity.

I awoke with a pounding force in my head, I was certain a jackhammer had been thrashing against my skull for days on end. That was what I got for drinking too much. I kept my eyes shut as I searched the other side of the bed for a warm body that I slept with, patting on the surface lightly. But she was not there.

I panicked.

Andrew's abruptly leaving me in the most appalling way possible to latch onto another prey did a number on me, mostly on my pride. However, being left by someone who didn't mean anything to me was slightly bearable given the situation compared to being left by the person you're drawing strength from. I was despondent when I realized Camila was not in the place I remembered her being in that previous night.

I swiftly sat up, peeling my eyelids in the process. The sudden movement caused an uproar in my tender head. My vision spun and I was experiencing an episode of vertigo that I did not sign up for. I groaned while rubbing the heels of my hands against my eyes as I dug my fingers on my scalp, coping with my aching head.

It took me a couple of minutes to fully recover and commence my search for Camila. With my phone in my hand, I wobbled my way through the door, blinking incessantly to clear my rather blurry vision. Just underneath the door frame, I could smell freshly cooked French toast and the beautifully delicious aroma of brewed coffee. I took a deep breath to fill my senses with the smell I was enjoying.

Relief had showered down upon me as I spotted the slightly shorter brunette. Camila was standing by the table, clearing plates, silver ware and water goblets out. She was piling them all up in a stack, ready to transport them in the kitchen. She apparently had company that I was not aware of.

"Camz, you can't leave me like that." I immaturely complained as I wrapped my arms around her waist.

The warmth that is only elicited from Camila's touch forced me to take a desperate breath as air was seemingly forced out of my lungs with butterflies filling up every crevice of my torso. I would have died right then and there.

Camila made me feel safe while putting my life in danger at the same time.

I pitifully protruded my bottom lip despite her inability to see it while I furrowed my brows. I laid my head by her shoulder, my nose close to the back of her neck. I tenderly rubbed the side of my face against her like a kitten making her chuckle slightly.

The typical scent of her fruity shampoo was coated by the exhaust that was produced from the food she cooked. She cooked for me again.

"I'm sorry." She laid her hand over my interlocked ones and squeezed them, sounding incredibly apologetic for my overemotional episode. "I thought you might be hungry so I made food for you. Besides, Sofi came barging in asking for food and my parents were actually here to have breakfast with us." She spoke incredulously, trying to process the unbelievable news like the words didn't flow out of her mouth.

"Why didn't you wake me?"

A pang of anxiety hit my gut as I thought about being disrespectful to her parents. I was in that house, I should have helped Camila cook or at least shared the meal with them. I have been raised to give as much regard to my friends' parents as much as possible. Moreover, they weren't just my friend's parents; they're Camila's and that little detail made the disparity enormous.

"You needed rest and they weren't here for long. Folks had to go to a medical mission. Sofi went with them." Camila affectionately reasoned like I was a child being punished for something I had done and I expected that. She swiveled in my grasp, throwing her arms around my neck to hug me. "How's your head?" She pressed her lips against my cheek firmly yet delicately. "Good morning, Lo."

I'd be lying if I said I did not expect a kiss after that greeting.

"Good morning, Camz." The reaction was immediate. My lips quivered into a blissful smile as I breathed a contented sigh. "And it's better."

I was physically dying from the pain in my head, the ragged breathing and the flurry that swirled in my midsection; two of those things were caused by her. But lo and behold, she had some Advil waiting for me on the table.

"Thank you for last night, my best friend." I genuinely spoke, tightening my hold on her.

I was thankful for her and her protective tendencies. Yet I was still terrified that she would magically turn into some sort of liquid and evaporate into thin air.

"Anytime, Lo."

Somehow, I knew that she was not just saying that. I had called her on several different occasions, in different times and she would show up in my front door only minutes later. She was that kind of friend.

I helped Camila haul the dirty dishes to the sink while we retrieved clean ones for ourselves. She sat with me on the table, eating some grapes. It was her second breakfast but she wanted to make me feel better by eating with me. And because of that, my conscience was eating me away due to the fact that memories of my blunders since my first Friday at school besieged my mind.

There I was, breaking a lot of rules while Camila stayed behind the line until I tapped out, saving me in the process. For once, I wanted to assume my usual role and yet there was no window for me to do so. She had just always managed to stand her ground, even if she stood alone.

"Camz, why do you always follow rules?" I curiously asked, setting my fork and knife down on my empty plate. "Do you like them?"

"I don't like rules." She shook her head, smiling slightly at me. I could tell she was sucked into her thoughts just as I was. But there was something that bothered her, something bigger and in my dazed state, I remember that look. It was the same one from last night. "But they keep me safe."

She had a point. That's why rules are there, to keep a person from getting into trouble. But her desolation was worrying me. I began to fear that it was because of me.

We helped each other clean everything that was used to prepare and eat the food. Camila used to make me sit it out but eventually gave in and it gave my pride a boost knowing that I helped my best friend who is usually helping me. We spent a good couple of minutes with the task, Camila concluded it with wiping the dining table clean.

The uneasiness in her features was unwavering. It had significantly altered the usually bright look on her face. It was exceptionally challenging to ignore, especially because we would normally be two giggling idiots with deep-thinking moments. Camila was frightening me to a point where I was even too scared to speak.

Camila led us out into the open lounge by the pool. The humid feeling of the misty breeze cloaked my expose limbs, making me feel sticky. The smell of the salty air coupled by the gentle sound of waves crashing close by was just beautiful to me. It was not as hot as the usual Miami weather given that it was December.

I laid my phone down to my left with Camila to my right. We were perched on the long white fabric-padded seating and my friend was staring at the water in the lap pool. She was purposelessly observing the minute ripples and waves as the gentle breeze swept through the liquid surface.

The effect was minute but definitely noticeable, just like Camila's disposition.

The silence was extremely deafening but I would not trade it for Jette's flamboyant voice. It was choking me and I wanted to say something but my voice just seemed to be stuck somewhere in my throat.

"I've always wanted to blend in." She suddenly spoke with no emotion in her words. There was a sense of urgency in her tone though and whatever her concerns were, they needed to be heard. "It's just that something in me isn't what is called normal."

I contemplated on her words and selfishly related it to myself, examining if I had anything to do with it. I couldn't recall anything that I had said and so, I settled for something else. I wanted her to know that I was there for her just as she was for me.

"At first, I'd want that. But I mean, after I witness the lack of hostility in others, I don't care anymore. It may be nice to blend in but it's so much cooler to stand out though." I husked, reaching for her hand that was over her knee. The sudden contact made Camila look into my eyes inquisitively but her gaze faltered hastily. "You're too special to blend in, Camz. Trust me, the world will miss out on you."

Camila didn't say anything else. She just nodded and set her stare back to the water.

There was a significant amount of time that had passed before she spoke again. I was too afraid to say something wrong yet my hand remained firmly on hers. It was a silent language that I hoped she understood.

"I think I'm ready to tell you everything." She despondently muttered with a deep sigh, leaving her mouth slightly parted as if she was stunned by what she said. It was the same cold, emotionless tone that I did not grow accustomed to. "You might hate me for this or avoid me but please just listen to me first and then you're free to feel what you want to feel. You may choose to leave, too."

To say I was nervous is an understatement. I was selfishly worried that it was about me and something I said or did to her absentmindedly. Being drunk, I might have said something I wouldn't have sober. But I was determined, I was going to be there for her and for her to give me leaving as an option stung.

"Camz, don't be silly." I lightheartedly protested, hoping to lighten the mood. To no avail, Camila's expressions never changed. "I have told you I love you. I care about you. Remember I told you my loyalty is with you? I promise I won't leave." I reassured her with that little conversation we had on the pool deck just that Friday. I adjusted my seating so my body was facing her.

"Don't." Camila withdrew her hand from my grasp and clasped hers together. She dismissively shook her head as if my words never mattered nor did they have any sort of weight on her. "It's not that simple. Please let me speak."

Confidence had vanished in her tone, she was abandoned by such a feeling. I could almost hear a quiver in her voice. She was acting strangely; almost as if she was a different person. She had usually been my strength, the person I drew all the good things from but she was completely out of the ordinary.

I was anxious but I was eager to know and so I cautiously nodded, bracing for the impact.

"You know the incident I told you about that happened almost three years ago?" Camila insecurely probed, twisting her head slightly just to see me at the corner of her eyes nod again in confirmation. She let out a heavy, apprehensive breath as she pushed her hair back with her hand. "Nobody really knew the real story except my parents and I, and well, one more person."

Camila was barely starting her story and I was figuratively on the edge my seat. My heart had begun to pound ferociously against my chest that I feared my ribs would give out. My pulse skyrocketed as an uncomfortable jab to the gut almost compelled me to double over.

"My family is comprised of very uptight, strict Christians and my parents have reputations to uphold. I mean, they're accomplished doctors. Both of them are the firsts in their families which became a source of pride for the Cabellos and Estrabaos." She continued, slowly and cautiously releasing each word like they were the most fragile thing in the world. She was gradually starting to sound lifeless and eerily unsettling.

"Since I was a kid, I had always stayed within the outlines of the rules. I never attempted to stray and I was okay with that because my parents are wonderful people. They truly are. They just aren't as accepting with what's not considered normal by society.

"I met someone freshman year. They were just as lonely as I was. We got along and I found out their family isn't as close as mine and that person was the least priority. When I gave them my attention, they clung to me. My situation was different but I never saw my parents that often because, you know what they do. So, we grew closer and closer, and because of that, we realized something."

Camila thoughtfully recounted the specific memory. Her tone was slightly better but not enough to calm my raging rapids of emotions. This was it, I was going to be showed into a shadowy part of Camila's life. I may have wished for it badly in the past but I was slowly devoured by my nerves. Where was the confident and independent version of me when I needed it?

Camila took another much needed gulp of air and let out a long, desperate sigh. Her breathing was just as unsteady as mine. I did acknowledge the fact that the situation was critical. I know it's never easy to share something that was intended to be a secret. I have never even came out to my parents yet.

It pained me to see her that broken and I was uselessly debilitated in my seat. I wanted to slap myself across the face to snap out of it but my timid hands just clenched in fists and stayed where they were, on top of my thighs.

"I realized I d-"

Camila was interrupted by the sound of my phone. It was annoyingly loud and I don't know what demon compelled me to turn the sound on. I shifted my attention towards the device and picked it up only to see my boyfriend calling.

My heart plummeted down until it reached the ground, painfully shattering into little tiny pieces and distributing shards to hidden crevices. The growing lump in my throat reached a colossal size that I struggled to even swallow. There was something that needed to be done.

I was obliged to answer as I needed to do something I've been meaning to do.

"Can I ask you a favor?" Camila exasperatedly interjected, she seemed to actually know what I was thinking about doing like my mind was wired to hers. "Can you leave your phone back here for like 10 minutes and we can go to my room? That's all I'm asking from you, Lauren."

It was the first time she had really graced me with her miserable chocolate eyes and it crushed me. It felt as if my heart was snatched out of my chest, leaving a gruesome hollow cavity. My stomach was in excruciating knots that I felt like I was about to vomit some acidic mixture of stomach gunk.

"No matter where we go, even if it's just the two of us, there's always your phone." She continued rambling with her intimidating eyes fixed on mine. The knuckles of her interlaced hands were significantly paler signaling she had been adding pressure on them. "I mean, I get it, Gavin might call you and look, he is."

I could sense the sarcasm in her voice which I have never heard before. She was so worked up about the measly phone call.

"But Lauren, can't he just wait for 10 minutes? Or five? I'm trying to tell you something important." Her brown eyes desperately searched my green ones. She was looking for compassion so I may find the strength to stay and listen to her.

"I'm sorry, Camz but I have to answer this." I looked at her apologetically. I cringed at the thought of cutting the wound I had inflicted her deeper, plunging the knife gravely. "I have to tell him something; this can't wait."

Camila slapped her thighs in frustration and swiftly stood up. She started walking away with her hands rubbing her temples. I watched her as she took step after step away from me. She was headed towards the pool deck and I just sat there for a moment, stunned. Camila was definitely disappointed, she was aggravated, too.

I'd like to think I would learn by now but I didn't. I just kept hurting her time and time again, and yet I have the audacity to call her in my hour of need.

I could only imagine how it felt to be in her place. Heck, I was possessive of Camila and if she had a boyfriend, I would probably lose it.

That morning had proven to be anything but positive or optimistic.