Journey Into The Light

The rise and fall

THE RISE AND FALL

I was always as nice as I could possibly be to others, yet I was still very much alone it seemed. Life went on this way for years until I met a girl that I fell in love with, or at least I believed so. In the beginning, she was amazing and kind. But like all humans, she had her flaws just as I did. We stayed together for 7 years and were wanting to marry but it all went south slowly over the years and we drifted apart and it remains that way for life now. After the break up, I was at the time very hurt and this led me down a terrible path which eventually turned into a bankruptcy and the loss of my fiancé, house, vehicles, my entire life it seemed. I was very hurt and wanted my life to end right then and there. I had no idea what to do or where to go. I found myself with a rope around my neck inside my house standing on a stool. I was in the process of trying to tip the stool over and end my life when suddenly my phone rang, it was her just checking up on me. This happened right at the very second the stool was about to tip over. I talked with her for a short while and hung up the phone. After the conversation I felt as if my life might have been salvageable after all so I did not try to do again what I previously did just before the phone rang.

Over the next couple years, I tried to repair the old relationship but had no success. I was still very much hurt and it took a long time to completely get over it. Eventually I did but in the wrong way, I drank and partied the next many years away afterward just to forget. During these years I had numerous near-death experiences and was not living as I should have been, seemed I was carrying around a dark cloud where ever I went. This cloud affected my thoughts which affected my actions and kept me bound to a miserable life that I could not escape no matter how hard I tried. On top of all that I was forced to move back to the town that I grew up, the one I felt I was never accepted in the first place.

GAS STATION OVERDOSE

During my mid 20's, I began abusing prescription medications that were given to me from doctors because of an injury I had sustained when I was 11 or 12 years of age. This injury made it extremely hard and painful to walk or stand. The medications increased in dosage because of tolerance of the opiates and they were very strong indeed. I ended up being prescribed fentanyl patches and decided to start chewing them. One day I was drinking and eating fentanyl patches at a friend's house and got hungry so I borrowed a car from a friend and headed up to the local gas station for some ice cream and beef jerky.

Next thing I know, I woke up in the hospital with my mother and a police officer standing over me with the saddest look on their face that I have ever seen in my entire life and will never forget. The officer was also looking at me as if it was his son laying there. I was told that the ambulance drivers had given me quite a bit of naxalone to bring me back because I was not breathing. Before the ambulance arrived, there was a woman who apparently did 15 minutes of CPR and I definitely felt it when I woke up. It felt like a couple ribs were broken in the middle of my chest. On top of all that I was not even grateful for being brought back, in fact I was angry about it and I told them that they should have just left me.

Shortly after this incident I decided to get a "Do Not Resuscitate" tattoo on my chest just in case it happened again. I continued to party and use drugs and started to get more depressed as life got even worse. I had eventually moved to another town hoping to restart but my life style did not change and the dark cloud followed me to say the least. I remember having a dream where I died. In this dream I was very lucid, it started out as me walking down old stone steps that were castle dungeon like. Everything was grey and without color, it felt as if I could have been in purgatory. As I walked down the stairs, I heard human voices crying and screaming in agony, I also heard inhuman voices like demons growling and talking in a different language which I could not understand.

Even though I was hearing these awful noises and should have been terrified, at this point in my life I felt comfortable with it because I hated my life. The prospect of having no pain or fear seemed like exactly what I needed. At the bottom of the stairs ahead of me and just to the left was a long table full of bright colored food and fruit, it all looked so good. As I approached the table, I heard a human male voice call out to me asking me to try something off the table. This table of food did not belong there and this is the part of the dream that I am unsure of what happened. I believe that I ate something because I woke up and I felt so good. I thought about that for months afterward. For a while I tried to do better, but old habits die hard and old ways of thinking stuck with me as did that black cloud for many years.

BODEN

Daily life was very hard at this time, constant severe pain in my body, an ongoing addiction to fentanyl and selling my prescriptions was my daily routine. Many times, I found myself running out of pain medications and being extremely sick from the withdrawal, it had led me into more negativity which in turn caused me to make more bad decisions. During this time, I was living in a small 80's style travel trailer that was absolutely disgusting, it was full of mouse feces and had a broken window and smelled awful. I tried to fix it up a little bit by cleaning and covering the window and installing a wood stove inside to keep warm which I admit that I had installed wrong because of lack of knowledge.

Nevertheless, I was living in it and I began thinking up ways to take the trailer off into the wilderness to my favorite camping spot where I was planning to stay and live off the grid to be alone. I had purchased a couple fairly high-powered rifles illegally from people at the time I thought were my friends. One of these people actually sold me that trailer as well. There was a good chance I would have turned one of those rifles on myself because of my active suicidal ways of thinking.

I loaded the trailer with whatever belongings I had that could be of use and had another friend named brad pick me up. I really liked brad, he was a good soul and he had a strange way of knowing things. The night before we were to leave with the trailer, he told me that he knew something bad was going to happen on the day of the drive but was not sure what. I reassured brad that everything was fine it's only a couple hours of driving and we both shrugged it off. The next morning bright and early brad and the other friend came over and we loaded the trailer onto brads SUV then we hit the road.

It was a sunny day out and everything was going well, we stopped at a hardware department store along the way to pick up fuel and a generator for the trailer. We eventually got back on the road, maybe an hour goes by and we were nearing the turn-off to my camp spot when I noticed that everyone driving by was staring at us and I did not know why. There was a gas station on the highway that was coming up, we decided to get some fuel again so we pulled into the gas station and right up to the pumps. Brad got out of the driver's seat and headed for the store while I got out to pump gas. As soon as I got out of the vehicle, the smell of something burning was in the air so I turned around to look and saw some smoke coming from the trailer window which was closed at the time but must have had a small leak.

I quickly ran to the other side of the trailer to check it out, I opened up the trailer door and smoke barreled out. I then ran back around and jumped in the driver's seat, started the vehicle and pulled that trailer out of there as quick as I could so it could be away from anything that could be damaged. I knew that there were 2 full propane tanks, 5 gallons of gasoline and about 350 bullets inside not to mention all kinds of other flammable material. I found a spot to drop the trailer which was an area of the gas station that was empty and had nothing but gravel. I then jumped out and pulled the hitch pin on the trailer hitch receiver and got back in the SUV and drove off and away from the trailer with wheels spinning.

It did not take long before the entire trailer burst into flames, I remember hearing the bullets pop and seeing thick black smoke. It was a very intense time. A few police cars and fire trucks eventually arrived but by that time the trailer had completely burnt down to the frame, there was nothing left of it except whatever contents were not flammable or melted by the heat. I was only about 20 or so kilometers from where I was wanting to be and this happened. Safe to say, I was rather upset because now that I had to return to the place, I despised the most and absolutely did not want to be going back to. I went back home and continued on with my sinful ways of drinking and using drugs while at the same time trying to make the best of my life. Time went on and I still had no job because of the injury and I sunk deeper and deeper into self-destruction. My life always seemed to be getting worse, no matter what I tried to do to fix it, I always failed.

FORT MAC

Eventually I had found myself working an oilfield construction type job in northern Alberta, I remember having a very hard time at this job with my co-workers. I never really fit in with people so needless to say, I was harassed a lot. I was so stressed out and began having auditory hallucinations of my father yelling in my left ear and the company I was employed by ended up putting me on night shift. For about a month or so, I worked alone for the most part. Nights were a bit easier to handle because I only had to deal with a couple people throughout my night. However, I was still under a lot of stress and began having strange headaches that seemed to float around my head and made my hair feel like it was growing.

One night I got into my work truck and was about to leave the office parking lot and for some reason there was a Christian radio station playing on the radio with uplifting music. As I was listening to this radio station, I heard God talk to me. God said these 3 things; Everything will be ok, you will feel so much better when the drugs leave your body, and finally he said I will see you soon. I knew in my heart that those words were meant for me but could not understand the words about drugs leaving my body since I had not touched any in at least a month.

I kept that radio station playing all night and it almost felt like every worker in the plant had stopped working and were sitting in their lunch rooms until I was ready to begin. It was so calming and made me feel almost kingly even though I was nobody special. Once I was ready to start my night, I made my way to meet up with a fella who worked with another company who I had to collaborate with. We were sitting at a table talking and somehow our conversation turned to another subject other than work. He told me that if I imagine myself walking down a road and run into a barricade just to stop and go over the barricade only to find myself running into another barricade and life being harder than it previously was. He went on with the same concept a couple more times, he then said bluntly with a smile, "If you run into a barricade......Its only because you are not supposed to go that way....so turn around!". He and I laughed about it for a few minutes before we left to complete our work for the night.

I continued to listen to that station all night while in my work truck. The next day when I got to work, I tried searching for that station again and could not find it. It seemed to not even exist; all I could find was static when I turned my radio to where it was set the night before. During my time at this job, I had an uncontrollable urge to start writing a book about all my life experiences. I worked hard on it when I had the free time but I was still very much stressed out and being hasty with my writing. My mind was so rattled that I began stretching the truth on some of these stories and it definitely showed in my writing. It was so full of blame and negativity. I kept writing for a while but eventually stopped and I lost the USB drive which I kept my story on later on in life. I know now that losing it was for the best.

I stayed another couple week’s at that job then was sent home for medical reasons. I took the medical layoff offered and returned to my house in the city nearby. Weeks went by and I was staying away from drugs and alcohol in an attempt to get my mind straight. While I was at home one-night sleeping on the couch in my basement suite, I woke up around 3:00 am almost completely paralyzed. It felt as if something was sitting on my chest holding my arms down at my sides. For some reason I knew that I had to make the sign of the cross on my chest so I fought with my right arm as hard as I could to make the sign and Literally saw bright white light come through the window which was at the other end of the couch and shine right on the floor beside me. Instantly I could move again and this happened just as quickly the light had vanished.

I was a little bit shook up and confused and thought I was losing my mind. I spoke with my doctor and psychologist about this and also about god talking to me through the radio station that didn't exist, I was told that these were only hallucinations. For a while I believed that and continued to take my medications and continue to make many attempts at bettering myself but eventually giving up and returning to my old ways. This in turn, led me back to the town I hated the most and it was time to start over and try again. Time went on and I moved between cities and towns working different jobs met some good people and not so good people along the way.

3 CRAZY DEATHS

This time in my life was true madness. I was working for a company in southern Alberta building and servicing farm storage equipment. I was into doing street level fentanyl and was doing it at work to get through my day. I felt as if I was Superman when I was on it. I worked harder and faster than most and I felt appreciated.

I worked for this company for quite a while and maintained my dangerous ways and continued to drink and do drugs after work as well. The workers had to share a house in the town nearby and all we did was party. I remember one time in particular where I got into some bad Fentanyl and I remember doing the tiniest amount to test it, instantly I felt my knees wobble and get weak. This was bad and I knew it so I calmly walked to my bedroom telling the other people there that I just needed to lay down for a minute. I don't even think I made through my bedroom door before I collapsed.

I don't remember anything after that until I woke up. The 2 people I shared the house with told me what had happened and it was scary. Apparently, I collapsed with yellow foam coming out of my mouth and was revived 3 times in a row. while this was going on, everyone else in the house other than the 2 people I stayed with ran out. When I awoke, I was told the ambulance was on its way and decided to get up and meet them outside to assure them that I was ok. When I went out the front door, I saw the people who had left, sitting in a truck and I walked up to the window and Knocked on it. The window opened and I don't remember any words being said, only a look on their faces as if they just saw a ghost. It made me feel terrible seeing their expressions.

I can only imagine how these people felt, so I made a promise that I would never do that again and tried to move forward. My life went on a few more years with just working and mainly drinking with the occasional relapse. Since drinking is legal, I did not see much harm in it so I continued with it. Truth is, alcohol steals your soul just as much as any drug out there. It has a way of making every bad idea seem like a great Idea. I found this out later on in life.

OSCAR

At this point in my life I had just turned 33 years of age and was living in central Alberta. I was trying my best to stay off drugs but I was drinking very heavily. Sitting in my room one day I had an urge to start searching Great Danes online and found myself looking at puppies for sale. I continued looking at puppies for a couple days and suddenly I found the one I could not say no to buying.

This puppy was 8 weeks old at the time, he was grey with black spots all over him and he was absolutely adorable. I always wanted a Great Dane and grey is my favorite color so I called the woman selling the pup and had her meet me in another city a few hours away from where I was living. It was dark out when I finally met the woman so I did not get a good look at the puppy until I had returned home a few hours later. Once I arrived back home, I noticed that the puppy appeared to be extremely under fed so I gave him a full belly of puppy chow. Not long after feeding him, I was lying in bed playing with the puppy when I noticed that he had markings of a little white cross on his chest. I instantly fell in love with this puppy and always thought in my heart from that day forward that he was meant to come to me.

Oscar was a very well-mannered pup and he actually made me happy for once in my life, I kept trying harder to stay away from my old habits and the puppy kept my mind at peace for the most part. During this time, I had injured my back at work and was hardly able to walk, the pain was unbearable at times so I continued with my drinking and wound up back in my old home town once again. At least this time I had Oscar so it wasn't all that bad. Months went by and Oscar got bigger, I was still drinking quite a bit to pass the time and a few times I gotten drunk and thought a little bit of drugs would not hurt. Once again, I was wrong!

I was hanging out with friends drinking in a garage and I met someone who happened to be selling a bunch of Xanax pills. I decided to buy a bunch of them about 30 or so. I continued drinking for a while then returned to my mother's house. At this point I was quite inebriated and was not thinking clearly. I took about half of those pills intentionally knowing I may not wake up, and I didn't wake up for a couple days.

When I did finally wake up, I was greeted by a psychiatrist in the hospital and he began quizzing me on why I took so much. He told me I could have died and asked if I took the amount intentionally. I remember the sad look on his face and it made me feel terrible. I felt like I had to lie about it to save myself another trip to the psych ward and also to save the few people I have in my life from worry. That is the worst feeling in the world to me, seeing pain and worry in others people's faces.

I left the hospital shortly after with a clean bill of health, drove home with my mother and returned to the spare bedroom at my mother's house. I stayed in that room for days contemplating my life and why it had to be so hard. I just could not understand. I prayed and begged so much over the years and still my suffering had to continue. I was literally exhausted and had no fight left in me and I began looking for other options in terminating my life. I knew this life was no longer worth living because I had nothing left to give, or so I thought!