Running from the Past -Book One in Paradise Mountains Series

11. The Past

    My head hurt. I was feeling warm and comfy, but my head was throbbing so badly… I moaned and tried to turn, but a hand felt over my forehead, in a tender gesture.

    "Bess?"

    His voice… Alexander’s voice… I tried to open my eyes, but it seemed I had a drum knocking in my temples. I moaned again and felt the mattress at my side to sink when he sat upon it. I was warm, comfortable. Somehow, I was in my bed.

    Then the reality fell upon me and I remembered everything. The shopping spree, the fear of the punishment, everything… and amidst it all, Alexander soothing voice, his hand caressing my hair, his lips a thread apart my forehead…

    I had never felt so much shame in my life. I was a weakling who couldn’t do anything right, Thomas was right, I’m not good at anything…

    "Don’t say that! Don't ever say that again! Never!" 

    Alexander’s voice startled me and only then did I realize that I was speaking out loud and not in my head. I cradled my knees in my arms and silently I let the tears fall. And I found myself in his arms, being hugged like a child. And I cried. I cried for the child I never could be, for the child-wife I had been. I cried for me, for all I had lost, for all they had done to me. 

    "Will you trust me now?"

    His words were soft, his gestures tendee. He showered me with slow, soft kisses, the steady beating of his heart under my ears seemed to echoed in an already distressed head. He had an amazing self control. I had felt his desire for me before, but he managed to stay always calm and focused.I had never felt threathened by him. Even now, I could feel him, all of him, but always under control, the same amazing control of iron he had.

    "I… I’m sorry… It’s just stupid, I overreacted…"

    His voice was calm, still soft when he answered:

    "No, it wasn’t… not when you were used to being punished for it. Because you were, weren’t you? There is much more than meets the eyes with you, isn’t there, princess?"

    His gestures were soothing and since I wasn’t facing him, it was easier to speak. But I had so many things piled up… where to start?

    Since I remained quiet, he mistook my silence for fear or stubbornness, so he continued:

    "I know you’re afraid… I know it’s too soon and that we’ve barely met… you’re not ready to listen to this… but I love you. You’re my princess… you’ve found your way into my heart when you looked at me from the bar with suspicion in your eyes… I was lost in their shades… were they green, were they hazel…? And you had so many walls up that I found myself willing to climb them, so to see what lies beneath… "

    I closed my eyes. Those were the nicest things everyone had ever told me. To think that this man, with huge hands and bright eyes, was in love with me… but no, he was in love for Bess… his Bess… But I wasn’t her, was I? I found myself some courage and asked in a wobbly voice:

    "What if… what if you don’t like what you hear? What if you think…"

    "Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?"

    There was so much tenderness in his voice… never had I heard so much gentleness, so much… care in anyone’s voice. I sighed and, in the safety of his arms, feeling the calm beating of his heart I started my story.

    "My name’s… Nadine. I was born in a small town, just like this one… my parents, well… they weren’t rich, but we’ve done okay until my father lost is job at the factory…"

    "How old were you?"

    "Six, I think… given or take. I was just starting school, so…"

    I paused, gathering my thoughts.

    "He was strict, my father… dinner had to be ready at a specific time, the house had to be in a pristine condition, I couldn’t go out and play because I’d get dirty and he’d get mad…"

    "Did he hit you?"

    "Not in the beginning… I think mom used to be his main punch bag, but at the time, all I could hear was the yelling… she used to cry sometimes, but never in front of me. And when I did something wrong, he would go and destroy some of my toys… until there wasn’t anything more to be destroyed. So, he started punishing me…"

    A quick intake of breath was his reaction, but he resumed the stroking of my hair.

    "How did he punish you?"

    "Well, sometimes we would leave an entire night alone in the basement, in the dark… it was so cold sometimes… or he would take my bedding and I was welcome to sleep on the floor… but then mom got sick and died, and things were even worse… he would strike me just because. Either because I had left the dishes in the sink, or I had not ironed his shirt correctly… I was his personal maid by the age of thirteen…"

    His lips showered my forehead with small kisses, and his tenderness almost broke me in two.

    "Then, one day, I met Thomas. He was almost ten years my senior and had come to my school preaching about the benefits of sports… he had won a scholarship in sports and was damn proud of it. He returned later and seemed to see me. Me, not the maid, not the silent child everyone saw. He spoke with me, sometimes he offered me gifts… small things, trinkets, but since I never had anything, they were important… I craved his attention. So, when he invited me to the carnival that year, I went willingly and gladly."

    "How old were you?"    

    "Fifteen… I had to lie to my father and I knew I’d be in a hot spot if he found out… but I wanted to be with Thomas… Thomas, not Tom, not Tommy. That I learned the hard way… anyway, we were at the carnival and he did everything we was supposed… perfect gentleman, bought me an ice cream… then he got handsy… I wasn’t very comfortable with it, but he continued… he said he was my boyfriend, so he had every right to touch me… and I let him… in a field near the fair, I gave myself to him. And later I found out that I was pregnant."

    I was crying again. Thomas hadn’t been gentle with me and I had tried to move on, but the pregnancy made it all more difficult… specially because I had to tell my father. And I never met a rage like his to this day…

    Alexander was kissing my tears away, but I forced myself to continue. If I chickened out now, how could I face him? He needed to know… no, he had a right to know… he said he loved me… maybe he wouldn’t feel the same after this, but he had the right to know. His choice to made in the end, not mine.

    "And then?"

    "My father gave me the beating of my life, threw me out of the house and I called Thomas. I was desperate… didn’t know what to do… he came and he took me in… he said we would get married and he would take care of me and our baby… but I lost my baby soon afterwards, and Thomas… well, he blamed me."

    "Excuse me?"

    "Yeah… he said I was so dreadful as a mother and a wife that I couldn’t bear any children without miscarriage them…"

    His arms around me held me even tighter and for the first time in my life, I felt secure. I was getting tired; my head was throbbing but I knew I had to continue. Or I would never gather enough courage.

    "I remained with him, but things changed after that. He was always absent, but when present I had to be a perfect wife. Seen but not heard. And I had to take care of his needs, like he so eloquently putted. His career as a lawyer was going rampant, and we threw lots of parties at home that gathered all the important people who could promote him even more… but I continued being punished… I was a good for nothing wife who couldn’t understand him… not enough olives for martinis? Was I trying to challenge him? He threw me out the balcony for that… spent two months at a hospital and still my back hurts…"

    "Jesus, baby…"

    My head was hurting but my heart was bleeding. And so was his, I could tell. Alexander… no, Alex… he wasn’t anything like Thomas… his heart was beating wildly in his chest, but his hands were gentle and his kisses were caring… and then something more. He laid me down on the bed with the care he would dedicate to a piece of porcelain… as if he was afraid I’d might break.

    "One day, princess… one day I will show you how a man… a true man… loves a woman… his woman. I want to rip that fucker’s heart from his chest, I want to kill him with my bare hands, I want to repay him for every time he scared you into submission, everytime he put his hands on you… but mostly…"

    He kissed me. It was a carnal kiss, that woke something inside me. Suddenly, I was craving. For him, for his touch. I wanted him with all my heart. I mustered all the courage I had left and asked in a tiny voice:

    "Please, could you… could you show me now?"