13. Breaking Apart
1195 Words
Next day I awoke feeling refreshed. My body was sore all over, but it felt like it was a right kind of soreness. I turned around in the bed, but it was empty. The smell of coffee brought me to my senses and I opened up my eyes to find him neatly dressed with a cup of coffee on his hand.
"Rise and shine, princess."
His smile brighten up the room and I smiled again. He was fully dressed but there was a fire in his eyes that seemed untamed. Something that was not there before, or at least, it was severily restrained. Now, it was wild.
"You’re in a good mood… what time is it?"
"Still early… and Mary will only open at lunch time today…"
"s**t, the party…"
I tried to get up but he put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me down to the pillows again.
"It’s still early. Didn’t you hear me? You have enough time to drink your coffee, take a shower and relax a bit before getting up."
I mustered all the courage I could while holding the cup with my two hands.
"Is Mary mad at me?"
"Mad? No. Worried? Yes. More than you know. I’d say you two have something in common, but she doesn’t tell me what it is."
There was a question somewhere in there, but it wasn’t a secret of mine to share, so I shrug it off and he let it pass. He took his phone from his pocket and started typing something while I enjoyed the coffee. I couldn’t help but glance in his direction. What would he think of me now, in broad day light? He had known of my shameful past almost altogether… would he think less of me, due to my own weakness?
He caught me staring and gave me a smile that melted my insides. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips, but then resumed his typing and i enjoyed the simple prazer of drinking my coffee in peace. It should be forbidden to have such a beautiful smile, I thought. Then I saw him frown at something and before I could ask he shoved his phone in my face.
"Is this your husband?"
I gulped at Thomas’s sight. There he was, dark and brooding, in a black suit. If Men in Black ever needed some figurines, he would play the perfect part.
"Yes."
"Thomas Whitehall, widowed? Now, why do the media call him a widow, princess?"
Uncomfortable, I pushed the bedding up to my chin and again I embraced my legs. I hadn’t got to that part last night but Alexander had. I suddenly realized that I was still naked while he was fully clothed. And that bothered me more than I could admit.
"Because I faked my death."
My answer was caught up in my throat, but he understood it. Oh so slowly he put his phone in his pocket and asked, even more slower:
"And why would you do something like that?"
"Because otherwise he would never let me go. I had already spent two months at the hospital… Thomas has many rage attacks and when he was… angry…"
I was shivering now, whishing he could please oh please understand.But his eyes were cold, and getting colder by the second. This was a new Alex altogether and I didn't know how to deal with him.
"Those were not the only times you were at the hospital, I take it."
His voice was flattened… as If I had broke something inside him.
"No… but were the longest… I tried to go to my father’s, once… and he threw me right back on the street, saying I had made my bed… and then… he was so mad…"
My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn’t keep the cup any longer. I put it down and looked fearfully at him. Was he mad? Was he… was I…
"Don’t do that!"
His voice was brusque and I jumped in my seat. Alexander was angry but he didn’t lash out on me. Instead, he passed in the room whilst saying in a low voice:
"I can’t promise you that I won’t be mad, because sometimes I will. Hell, I’m mad as it is right now. I want to punch somebody. But you know what? That somebody isn’t you. And when I’m angry at someone or something, I don’t punch women. I don’t hurt people. It’s the kind of spectacular control I have. When the guys are around? Yeah, we f**k some things up, we may even break a few things. But none of us, and I really mean none, hit women as a hobby."
He stopped in front of me, his breathing hard. And he stared at me and I felt lost in the turmoil that went through his head.
"Now what?"
"I’m sorry?"
"Where do we go from here?"
Now he had lost me.
"I don’t understand."
"I love you, princess. With all I have. I want you in my life. I want to make you legally mine. You, all of you. Nadine West or Whitehall or whatever… you, not a made up name conjured God knows how. I want to be as yours in the eyes of men as in the eyes of God and for that, I need the really you. Not a made up lie."
"Why, am I not the same?"
Where did I found the courage to argue back? He looked at me but he didn’t seem mad, so I went on.
"I am not the same? Elisabeth or Nadine, am I not your princess?"
"Yes, you are. But I want to move freely with my wife around, not to be afraid of shadows or that the past would jump from behind a stone to catch us. I want my wife to bear my name, and not a made up. I want to held my head up high."
"Because with Elisabeth you can’t?"
"Elisabeth doesn’t exist. You do. And it’s you I want. Not a shadow of a person."
"With Thomas, that's all I ever was. That's all he ever allowed me to be. If he found out I'm still alive, he would want me to be with him! He would never set me free!"
"You wouldn't be alone! I'm here! Herb's here, the f*****g town is here!"
"A great deal of good people ever did even when surrounded me... even when the house was full of people and they all swear through all their teeth I had fallen down the stairs while being drunk..."
My eyes were tearing. He was breaking my heart. Elisabeth was the best part of Nadine… the most brave… and he was ruining it. I couldn’t face Thomas… I wasn’t that strong…
"I don’t think I can. I’m sorry."
Shock, anguish. And then… stone. His face seemed to be carved up from the mountains themselves.
"So do I. More than you would ever understand."
And then he left, leaving me to pick up my own pieces through watery eyes.
- Writer
