UNBREAKABLE (walls and love)

Chapter 19

~Emma's~

Jay is expecting visitors later today, friends and a family member.I've met two of them on some occasions but I didn't get too familiar due to my repulsive nature for men.

Jay is much better now,much more better, infact he is looking stronger seeing as he was able to pull the stunt he pulled earlier today.

I've decided after deep thinking to put everything behind me.All that has been happening is completely normal,I mean we've been this close so maybe I am just overthinking it.

I mean the kiss was just a release of attraction,a one time thing, nothing.It happened so I am not going to make a mountain out of am molehill.I spent my child hood realizing how quickly people change and it freaks me out anytime I think of it.With the way my heart is guarded,I doubt I will ever find love.

Haha....Love.

That word I doubt ,no I believe it doesn't exist.No one would ever truly love me and I couldn't bear it if someone I love flips out on me.

I've had way too much heart break from watching my family and everyone around me that it made me become repulsive to care without doubting whether or not there is an ulterior motive behind it.

I'm so broken beyond repair that I doubt if I even deserve love from anyone.I fear I would be emotionally unavailable just like my parents after all I am their child,their first child.

I fear that if I give out my heart to anyone,they would turn out like my mom.Because sure he swooned her before marrying her, I'm sure he made her feel he loved her and she fell for it.But where did it end,now he is cheating on her with different women.

The pain she must be feeling,I never want to feel it,thus the reason for the walls around my heart.

They are unbreakable always and forever.

Sometimes I wish the possibility of another world to be true so my mum would find someone who would cherish her like she deserves and maybe just maybe I would too.But I know it's all just wishful thinking,I don't deserve affection because if I did I wouldn't be like this.

I remember when I was still a teen in school,a boarding school and my mum would call saying she was going on a trip trying to feign happiness but I knew better,they had quarreled and it was because of his affairs.

Naive me wrote letters telling them how I was aware of the affairs they both had and then I would slip it into the case they were to travel with but being the sensitive me,I chickened out and took out the letters because I felt it would hurt them and I didn't want to cause trouble.

I would cry my eyes out,doing what I know how to do best,push everyone who tried to pry or console away.I lost many friendships because of it,I hated myself and I still do.

So I promised myself never to allow myself feel, especially love,all real emotions I have locked behind walls and over the years perfected it and I intend to keep that promise.To prevent my fragile heart from being broken and also to prevent hurting anyone with my broken self.So you see, either ways I would still loose and somehow I feel I deserve it.

So from now henceforth,I would do another thing I'm good at..

Conceal, don't feel.

Convince myself until I believe that nothing ever happened and definitely nothing will.Jayson doesn't love me,all the signs I thought I was reading were not real besides I believe sooner or later he too would get tired of me and leave, everybody does.

Besides I don't deserve him,I don't deserve someone as perfect and understanding as him,I am bad news and he is good news,polar opposites.

I would just kill his light with my darkness.He deserves someone better, someone who isn't broken,who isn't still healing from trauma, someone who would love him unguarded with no walls.

To me he is just a friend who would leave eventually.

He doesn't love me and I sure as hell do not love him.