Her Light - His Darkness

Chapter 8

I spend hours at the hospital for my clinical rotations and the main question that continuously comes to the forefront of my mind is, is this worth it? I could have studied to become a make-up artist, or a nail technician, but no, I had to choose a medical degree.

I wanted to drop out on so many occasions or change my course, I already know how to do nails, I mean Michelle taught me everything she knows and she owns her very own successful nail studio, it might be small, but she makes a lot.

Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? This last year has been the toughest, my professors, my mentors, they all warned me, but the more I go the more I get the hang of it.

My finals are around the corner, I haven't studied for it, I haven't applied at any hospitals for an internship yet, my head is thoroughly shoved deep up my ass and its time I get it out.

I started working for Michelle a few years back, the bills were piling up and someone had to pay them, I'm trying so hard not to spend the money our parents left behind, Gabby will need it in the future.

Somewhere between clinical rotations and the job with Michelle, I'll have to find time to study, time to spend with Gabs and still try to function like a normal living being.

"I believe your time is up." A stern voice says from behind me, I turn around fast, placing my hand on my chest.

"Dr Thompson, you startled me." There is something familiar about this woman in front of me, I can't quite put my finger on it.

"You will make an exc- "

"I'm leaving now, I'll see you and dad at home." I am gobsmacked, how could I have missed it?

"Hey, Logan, didn't see you there." The eyes, it's so unique, rarely seen and here I've seen them on two different people in the same town, same hospital.

"Christian." I finally find my voice again. "See you in a few weeks Dr Thompson, good to see you again, Christian."

I hastily walk towards the elevators, my eyes cast downwards to the light grey vinyl flooring.

"Wait up." I hear his voice getting closer, "Logan!" And closer, "Didn't you hear me?" And he falls into step with me. I stop walking and I turn to face him, his beaming smile lighting up his face.

"Can you please just leave me alone." His smile falters, I continue walking without waiting for a response, I can hear the shuffling of his sneakers against the floor a few feet behind me, I don't look back.

I press the downward arrow and wait as patiently as I can for the ding to sound out, once it finally does, I step in and select ground floor, Christian steps in and I try not to notice the small frown on his face and how it really doesn't suit him all that well, but I fail.

The elevator gives a slight jerk as it begins to move, the motion causing slight dizziness, I press my eyes closed and my face scrunches up, involuntarily I might add.

"Closing your eyes will only make it worse when you step off." Christian's soft, gentle voice reaches my ears and I find myself wanting to open my eyes and look at him, admire his eyes, admire his smile and really look at him, but then I remember the promise I made to myself, to Landon, four years ago.

*** FLASHBACK ***

Four years ago

23rd June 2015.

I slowly make my way down the street, no one in sight, gloomy clouds overhead causing the sky to darken, making it appear later than it originally is, the wind whips my hair, causing a stinging sensation whenever it hits my face, but that is nothing compared to what I'm feeling on the inside.

The first drop of rain falls, landing directly on my nose, a small smile begins to form on my lips as more drops follow. I walk even slower as the rain begins to pour down harder, the smile disappears, replaced by a frown.

I loved the rain, I loved falling asleep to it, snuggled up in bed with Lan, watching my favourite show with his arms wrapped firmly around me, but now, I have another reason to love it altogether...

My newfound reason to love the rain...

When I'm walking in the pouring rain, no one can see the difference, no one can see that my eyes are releasing my heart's deepest despair...

Landon is the love of my life, we had it all planned out, he was going to chase his dream, become a professional football player, make it to the top, my dream was to become the next Meredith Grey, in real life of course, come up with groundbreaking research, kick ass in my desired field during the day and be the best damn wife and mom at night. I was ambitious, I used to be driven, motivated, we spent countless hours lying awake at night over weekends and breaks just talking about 'our' plans.

But plans don't always work out as they should, plans change, but there is one thing that will never change, it will remain the same, until the day I take my very last breath.

"I promise I will never stop loving you Lan, I will never have what we had again, you will always be my one and only and my only one, I promise Lan." I stare up at the sky, hoping my whispered promise will somehow reach him. Hoping that he will understand what those words mean.

*** END OF FLASHBACK ***

"Then I was thinking I could drop you off at home?" Christian looks at me with a hopeful expression, but I didn't catch half of what he just said. I don't even know how I made it outside, when I get lost in my thoughts, they seem to consume me.

"I don't do cars, okay?" I grimace at the thought of having to climb in a metal death trap ever again. "Maybe another time? I got to get Gabby." I fake a smile; I have become so accustom to faking them that I don't think my face knows anymore what the real thing is.

"What about tomorrow?" Does he not know how to take no for an answer? Frustration starts making itself known, I roll my eyes.

"How do I say this?" I place my hand on my forehead and close my eyes, trying to find the right words.

"If you don't know how to say it, then don't say it." He starts to laugh, a gleam to his amber eyes. "I'll see you and Gabby tomorrow." He shoves his hands into his dark denim pockets while he starts to whistle as he walks back through the automatic glass doors of the hospital, leaving no room for argument on my side.

***

I spot another envelope placed neatly in front of my door, not again it's too soon for another letter, my hands begin to tremble slightly as I look around for anyone out of the ordinary, across the road from our house is another that looks identical to ours, architectural wise, the colour is a plain beige, two young teenage boys passing a football on the front lawn, they seem to be the only two around, my neighbours on my left are out of town for the week and the neighbours on my right, well they prefer to party most of the time.

"Lo?" I look down at Gabby, her eyes wide, but she's avoiding eye contact, I stick the envelope into the back pocket of my black skinny jeans.

"What's up Gabs?"

"When is Chris coming again?" She asks me softly, sweetly. "Tomorrow." I force a smile. Her face lights up as a grin takes over her features.

"I can't wait!" She exclaimed excitedly as she rushes inside. Damn! Why the f**k did she have to like him.

I close the front door and lock it, I double check that it's locked before making my way to my bedroom, I look at the mess that is my room, my clothes lay strewn across the floor, empty disposable coffee cups litter the floor, bed unkempt and a few pillows scattered around, a deep sigh leaves my mouth as I remove the envelope from my pocket and sit on my untidy bed.

I peel it open, remove the letter and begin reading,

Dear Logan,

It's me again, I couldn't wait six months to send you another.

This is not a fantasy this time round, don't be disappointed though.

I'm working hard on the next one, ha-ha!

I wanted to give you a present, look inside the envelope and enjoy!

From: We might have to meet soon, so you can finally know!

P.S This is just so much more... exhilarating though.

P.P.S For me!

I empty the contents of the envelope and a small transparent Ziplock bag lands in the palm of my hand, my breath catches in my throat and I swear my heart stops beating.

In the Ziplock bag is two off-white capsule pills, I recognize them immediately.

They are study aids, it helped me with the concentration I needed. I used them to study in senior year to help me through my finals.

The only people who knew about that are all... gone, except Anita Smith and Keith Smith, Landon's family knew, but they wouldn't be doing this to me...

Would they?