Voice of an Angel

Chapter 7- Feeling Too Desperate

"You turn me on, you lift me up

And like the sweetest cup, I'd share with you

You lift me up, don't you ever stop, I'm here with you

Now it's all or nothing

'Cause you said you'll follow through

You follow me, and I,-I-I follow you"

Alive and Kicking, Simple Minds

Jude POV

I cannot describe my panic when I realized she'd ditched me. Then Eliza stepped in and told me she'd made sure she got home safely, and that it wasn't that she didn't like me, I was just going a little too hard at her. I sighed. I could understand that. I'd refused to let go of her hand for an hour after all. Hitch would be so disappointed in me. As I stood to leave the bar, I blew out a breath. I shot off the videos via text and a few messages. I had to at least see if she would respond. Thank God, she did.

There was a part of me that felt guilty. In a way, I was using her. As the only girl that had been able to truly catch my interest besides Violetta, I was hoping I could finally get over my long-standing crush on my best friend's sister. No need to push the bro code if she does not seem to reciprocate my feelings. If she did though, for sure I'd stand firm against Eli for her.

My one girlfriend had been an experiment in trying to move on, and it had failed miserably.

I think my desperation comes from the fact that I instinctively know if this doesn't work, I'm probably screwed. We graduate in less than two years, and my bet is that she is going to disappear. As I think of that, I start to feel a deep anxiety. Eliza grabs my arm, but I can't seem to hear what she's saying as my vision tunnels and grows dark.

When I startled awake on the couch in the break room, I looked around confused at Samuel and Eliza's faces.

"You, my young friend, passed out from a panic attack." Samuel announced, then looked at the clock. "About an hour ago. Poor Eliza has been beside herself." He patted her shoulder and nodded, and she left the room. "Gave us scare there, Jude."

"Sorry, Sam." I said and his eyes narrowed.

"Look, you've told me all about your... situation... with Eli's sister. Don't you think you're grabbing onto this mystery girl exactly because she is anonymous? Be careful. I can tell you from personal experience that you can't substitute anyone for someone that you truly love. I just won't work. I'm all for making her a friend or colleague, maybe joining the band. But the fact that you passed out in my bar because of Violetta? You can't keep hiding it." He intoned, like he was my dad or something. Not that my dad ever offered advice.

"How do you know it was Violetta and not my mystery girl?" I asked him.

"I saw your initial reaction to the mystery girl bailing on you. Also, you get a very specific mournful expression when you are thinking of your situation with Violetta, especially when you consider her leaving." He said. I sighed. s**t, it wasn't good if other people had noticed. "Look, Jude. I really think you need to talk to Violetta. Maybe she will surprise you." He said, patting my shoulder. "I called your buddy Ash to come get you." As he said this, I got a text from Ash saying he was outside. I sighed and got up.

Ash was waiting for me outside the back door for employees. I felt deflated, but pulled open the passenger door and flopped inside his black Jeep Liberty. He looked at me for a moment before turning the radio up and driving off once I'd buckled my safety belt. We lived together in an apartment literally blocks away from Eli and Violetta's house. After Samuel's words, I had to resist the urge to make Ash stop there. When we got home, Ash trailed after me into our apartment. I tried to be glad to be home, but I had all this restless energy because so much was in limbo. I flung myself at the couch. He lifted his brows.

"You wanna talk about it, buddy?" He asked. "Seems pretty heavy on your mind."

"Um... So, I've liked this girl for a really long time, right?" I said. I guess I was going to start from the beginning.

"Right, yeah." He agreed. His expression looked like he actually knew, knew.

"Wait... Did you know I liked Violetta?" I said, shocked. He grinned.

"Good to finally hear you say it, bro." He said cheekily.

"What?" I was shocked. "Was I... that obvious?"

"No, probably not. I just watch everything. I watched you both." He said smugly.

"What does that mean?" I asked, a little irritated.

"Some things are not for me to tell you. But keep going. Maybe I can help you with your shit." He said, settling in for what he seemed to think was going to be a long conversation.

"Ooo-kayyy. Well. So I've liked her pretty much since I met her, but I never got the feeling that she felt the same, so I never did anything. I mean, sure she's Eli's twin so that's kind of an issue, but I'd fight for it if I thought she liked me back." I sighed.

"So what about that dumbass party you and Eli went to?" He gave me a slightly disgusted look. I get it, I'm not proud of that s**t either.

"Stupidity. We weren't going for that reason, it just sort of... happened after we had some drinks." I said sheepishly. He just shook his head. "It's not like you're still a virgin waiting for your first love, either, Ash."

"No, but I am not running around knowing I already love someone and dipping my wick. What about that girlfriend, too?"

"Ugh. I thought, you know, maybe if I tried I could just move on. I mean it had already been like seven years." I said, desperately hoping he could understand my ill-advised decisions.

"Is that what you're trying to do with this mystery girl too?" He asked suspiciously. How this dude saw... well, everything... I had no idea. I nodded and he let out a frustrated breath. "Jude, this is not a good idea. Listen, the more desperate you are to move on, as you call it, the worse it gets. You don't just like Violetta, bro. You love her. It's not a simple crush." He said. I felt tears prick my eyes. f**k. This isn't me. "Jude, if you can't talk to Vi, just give it a rest. Let things be. Maybe try deepening your friendship. Get this Grace to do music with you and just enjoy it, but don't try to date her just because she's got rare talent." I nodded and he eyed me. "Care to tell me what made you black out?" He said insistently. I rolled my eyes.

"I was just thinking about how we have less than two years of school left, and Vi could just disappear." I sighed, trying to ignore the feeling of the walls closing in.

"Bro, did you forget she's got another couple years left for her specialty?" He said, and the sensation of suffocating eased. "Jude, man, this is not good. You really gotta chill out."

"Easier said than done, Ash." I said in frustration. I hated how invested I was in where she was going to be. It wasn't healthy.

"Do me a favor, and take my advice to heart. Trust me. I doubt Violetta even thinks she matters to any of us." He said, his own tone dropping into sadness.

"What?!" I exclaimed. I knew at least I had tried to include her, she just avoided all of us like the plague.

"Eli hasn't been great about making sure she knows he actually cares, and for sure he never told her that most of the time it was your idea to do s**t with her or include her. You might wanna be the one to invite her or whatever going forward. That way she knows exactly how much you try to do for her." He said, running his hands through his longish black hair, honey-colored eyes landing on mine. "She's been an afterthought for far too long, Jude."

That changes now. I'll make sure she sees us as friends, and if I'm lucky, she'll see me as more.