Caught In His Shadows

CHAPTER 3: Paint It, Black

Zai's Point of View

The day felt like it was dragging on forever. I couldn’t even escape the house, not with the way things were going. Mom and Dad? They were too busy with their own lives, and my sister... well, she just didn’t get it. We fought again. Small arguments, stupid things, but it felt like my anger was eating me alive. Every word that came out of her mouth just pushed me further, like I was this unwanted burden in the house.

"Why can’t you just stop being so difficult, Zai?" she snapped, throwing her hands up in frustration.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. "You don’t understand anything! Just stay out of my way."

I could hear my parents in the other room, but they didn’t come to stop us. They never did. As always, they sided with my sister, brushing off my frustration like it didn’t matter. Like I didn’t matter.

That was the last straw. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to deal with their dismissive looks, their silence, their fake smiles. It felt like the world was slowly suffocating me. I hated it. I hated them. And most of all, I hated myself. The pain in my chest, the weight on my shoulders—it was unbearable.

I just wanted to leave. I wanted to run away from everything, to escape this life, even if it meant succumbing to the darkness. I felt so alone. But I knew that no one really cared, not really.

Later that night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get out. I needed the freedom, even if just for a few hours. I grabbed my jacket, shoving my phone, iPod, and pack of cigarettes into my pockets. The blade was tucked inside too, hidden beneath the fabric of my jacket. I had no intention of cutting, not tonight. But the thought was there, a tempting release.

I walked through the empty streets, the silence wrapping around me like a blanket. The usual comfort of the night air was gone, replaced by the cold, gnawing feeling that something was off. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t looking for peace anymore.

I found an empty waiting shed, far enough from the houses, the only lights coming from the streetlights and the sky above. It was just me, alone, under the vast expanse of darkness.

I sat down, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. The first hit filled my lungs, the bitter taste comforting in a twisted way. My eyes watered, but I didn’t care. I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand, trying to push the emotions down. The smoke didn’t stop the pain, but it was something. It was a distraction, at least.

I pulled out my phone, cigarette still in hand, and plugged my earphones in. I needed something to drown out the noise in my head. Something that would make me feel like I wasn’t the only one lost in this world.

I tapped the screen, searching for the song I always went to when things felt unbearable. "Paint It, Black" by The Rolling Stones. The opening riff played through the earphones, the deep, throbbing bass vibrating in my chest as the lyrics started to fill the empty air around me.

"I see a red door and I want it painted black

No colors anymore, I want them to turn black"

The words hit me like a punch to the gut. It was like the song was speaking directly to me, the pain in it echoing what I felt inside. I could almost feel the blackness swallowing me whole.

I messaged my bestfriend, Gia, hoping she’d be awake. we're on the same neighborhood. I needed someone to talk to. But as I waited, no reply came. I stared at the screen, watching the bubbles bounce, but nothing appeared.

Then, out of nowhere, a voice spoke from behind me.

“hey”

I jumped, my heart leaping into my throat. I pulled one earphone out quickly, staring into the shadows where the voice had come from.

It was him. Kael.

I couldn’t breathe for a second. My heart was racing again. I didn’t expect to see him here. Not now. Not like this.

He stepped closer, his figure slowly emerging from the shadows, his gaze locking onto mine.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked, his voice softer than I expected.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but the words got stuck in my throat. He just kept looking at me, like he could see straight through me.

"Why are you here?" I finally managed to ask, though my voice cracked. I quickly wiped my tears again, hoping he didn’t notice.

Kael didn’t answer immediately. He just looked at me, his dark eyes unreadable.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he said quietly, his expression serious but not judgmental.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want him here, but I didn’t want to be alone either. And something about his presence felt different, like it wasn’t a coincidence.

I didn’t speak, just stared at the ground, feeling the weight of the cigarette between my fingers.

For a moment, we stood there in silence. I could hear the music playing through my earphones again, the same haunting lyrics filling the air around us.

"I look inside myself and see my heart is black

I see my red door, I must have it painted black"

He sat down beside me, his movements slow and deliberate, like he wasn’t trying to startle me. His eyes never left mine.

“You know,” Kael started, his voice quieter than before, “You don’t have to do this alone.”

I blinked, confused by his words.

“What do you mean?” I asked, though I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know the answer.

He just nodded, as if understanding something I hadn’t said out loud. “We all go through s**t, Zai. You don’t have to carry it by yourself.”

I wasn’t sure if I believed him. But in that moment, it didn’t feel like he was talking at me, but with me.

I took another hit of my cigarette, the smoke swirling around us, mixing with the night air. Maybe I wasn’t so alone after all. Maybe there was something, someone, who could pull me from the darkness—if only for a little while.

The song played on, and the steady rhythm felt like it matched the slow pulse of my heart. Each note seemed to stretch out, filling the silence between Kael and me, the world around us still and quiet.

Kael didn’t say anything else for a while. It felt like he was giving me space, like he understood that I needed time to figure out whatever was going on in my head. Maybe he didn’t have all the answers, but something about him made me feel like I wasn’t as alone as I thought.

I took another puff from my cigarette, watching the orange glow in the dark. The smoke curled up into the air, disappearing into the night sky, just like all my thoughts.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I muttered, staring at the ground. "I don’t know how to get out of this.”

Kael leaned back slightly, his eyes still fixed on me, though his expression remained unreadable. “None of us do. But we figure it out. Somehow.”

I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t see how. Every day felt like a fight, a constant battle between the anger and the sadness, like I was stuck in a loop that would never end. The world felt heavy, like it was pressing down on me from all sides, and I couldn’t breathe.

The music continued in the background,

"...It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue

I could not foresee this thing happening to you."

I wasn’t sure why, but those last lines hit me the hardest. It was like the world was telling me that no matter how hard I tried to escape, everything would stay the same. Maybe I really couldn’t get away from the darkness, no matter what I did.

I exhaled a long stream of smoke, watching it vanish into the cool night air, and I felt a knot in my chest. The weight of everything pressing down on me didn’t feel lighter, but somehow, with Kael here beside me, it didn’t feel so unbearable either.

I glanced at him again. He was staring straight ahead, the faint light from the streetlamp casting a soft glow on his face. There was something about his presence that made me feel... calmer, almost. It was strange, like he understood the battle that raged inside my head.

I wanted to ask him so many things, but I wasn’t sure where to start. How do you explain the chaos in your mind to someone you barely know?

“You really don’t have to be out here alone,” Kael said after a while, his voice quiet but steady. "There’s always something better than giving in to the pain. You don’t have to shut everyone out."

I wanted to say something back, to tell him that it wasn’t that simple, but the words stuck in my throat. It felt easier to sit here in silence, listening to the song that seemed to speak all the things I couldn’t.

I was lost in the music again when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out quickly, my heart leaping as I saw Gia’s name pop up on the screen.

Gia: "Hey, what’s up? Sorry, just saw your message. What’s going on?"

I felt a spark of relief. She was awake. She actually responded. I quickly typed back, hoping she’d be able to make sense of the mess in my head.

Me: "Can I crash at your place? I can’t deal with this right now."

I hit send, then looked back at Kael. For a moment, I considered asking him why he was still here, why he cared. But then I realized I didn’t need to know the answers right now.

He was just here. And for once, it felt like that was enough.

The silence stretched between us, but this time it didn’t feel heavy. The music continued to play, and I focused on it, letting the rhythm wash over me.

"I see a red door and I want it painted black

No colors anymore, I want them to turn black"

Maybe one day, I would figure out how to paint my world a different color. But for now, the darkness felt strangely comforting.

The phone buzzed again, pulling me out of the trance I’d slipped into. Gia’s reply was waiting.

Gia: "Yeah, of course. Come over whenever. I’ll be here."

A small sigh of relief escaped my lips. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. Gia understood, even if she didn’t have all the details. She was the one person who could always make things feel a little more bearable, even if only for a while.

I slipped my phone back into my pocket, staring at the empty street ahead. I took one last drag from my cigarette, the burning tip glowing brightly in the darkness. It was the only thing I could control right now, the only thing that made me feel like I had some say in how things were going.

Kael hadn’t said anything since I got the message, but I could feel his presence beside me, steady, unshaken. I didn’t have to explain myself to him, and for once, I didn’t feel the urge to. There was something almost peaceful in that silence, as if we were both content in just being.

When I finally stood up, Kael followed my movement with a casual glance but didn’t say anything.

“Thanks,” I muttered, barely making eye contact as I flicked the cigarette into the street and stepped away from the bench.

Kael didn’t stop me this time. He just nodded, his eyes meeting mine for a brief moment before he turned away, retreating into the shadows once again. It was as if he knew, somehow, that I wasn’t ready to talk yet. I wasn’t ready to figure out the strange, complicated connection between us.

But for now, I had somewhere to go. I had Gia. And maybe that was enough.

When I reached Gia’s house, I felt the familiar warmth of her presence. Her house always felt like an escape—like a place where the world was a little bit easier to navigate.

She was already standing by the door when I knocked. Her eyes softened when she saw me, her expression a mix of concern and understanding.

“Come in,” she said, stepping aside to let me through.

I stepped into the cozy living room, the smell of instant noodles and cheap air fresheners hitting me. It was a comfort.

We sat in silence for a while, me on the couch and Gia perched on the edge of the coffee table in front of me, her gaze steady but gentle. She didn’t ask what was wrong. She didn’t need to.

“I don’t know what’s going on anymore, Gia,” I whispered, my voice shaking slightly. “Everything just feels... wrong. I don’t know how to fix it.”

Gia nodded, her gaze soft but unwavering. “You don’t have to fix it all at once. You’re not alone in this, okay?”

I nodded, but the weight of the world still felt heavy on my chest. The night felt like it had lasted forever, and yet the morning was still so far away.