My Perfect Love Story

Chapter 3: Fear

fear/ˈfir/ noun an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.  

July 24, 2021

5:48 pm

Houston, TX

"Ladies first!" The handsome, caramel man said as he opened the car door for me. Preparing for my second date was very hectic and nerve-wracking. The first date is always supposed to be the most-feared but the reassurance I was given from my friends gave me confidence.

The car ride was quiet, yet amusing. "So Terrance, where are we going?" I asked curiously. "We are going to the greatest place on Earth!" Terrance said with a cheeky smile. His pearly, white teeth and his beautiful, rare green eyes brought a slight blush to my face. 

"Are you taking me to Disneyworld?" I said, giggling softly as I couldn't help but feel butterflies in my stomach. "Close! I'm taking you to the best amusement park in town." I was slightly disappointed but very excited. I was expecting a nice dinner as a way to connect on an emotionally intimate level but it will be fun to release tension and negative energy.

We finally reached the amusement park and we were in the middle of receiving our tickets when I felt an arm slither around my waist. I looked up to see Terrance staring down at me with a gentle smile on his face. 

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Based on what I've seen, Terrance has such a great heart but the vibes I'm receiving from him are friendly. The romantic connection wasn't strong and intense as I would've expected it to be. We are now seated on a heightened rollercoaster waiting for it to start. I began to gain feelings that I haven't felt in years, feelings that I despise.  

The rollercoaster began to move and I heard many cheers of excitement and screams from fear. I looked up at Terrance and he was staring at me in concern. "Is everything okay? You kind of zoned out on me." He looked worried. How long did I zone out? "I'm perfect," I said with a bright smile. As I looked ahead, I realized that we made it to the top of the rails. 

It reminds me of my first time on a rollercoaster. I was 10 years old, I remember crying for my dad to remove me from the ride. I was crying deeply, my father would always comfort me when I was sad. He would sing songs to keep me calm, which gathered a lot of attention and stares but hearing his voice made me want to sing along. We sang the whole ride and my nerves calmed down, it was therapeutic. I hummed a soft song in my head as I looked below at the beautiful green trees and joyful people, enjoying their time at the entertaining carnival.

Then, the rollercoaster started moving. The familiar, unwanted feeling arose at the bottom of my stomach. Reminiscing of my father and I's beautiful moments left my mind and thoughts of this horrid feeling came to mind. The horrid feeling when my father came home belligerent and bothered. The horrid feeling when my mother was defenseless. The horrid feeling when I didn't do anything to help my mom or distract my dad from being harmful towards my mother.

The rollercoaster is an analogy of my childhood. It starts amazing as we are building a beautiful relationship with everyone in our family. Then, as we rise to the top of the rollercoaster, we don't know where the unexpected tension or anger has come from. We don't know what to expect as we are at a standstill. As the rollercoaster rides down the hill with great speed, it brings an adrenaline rush in our bodies. Many may be cheering and excited on their rollercoaster, but my rollercoaster was filled with pain and anguish,

Leaving that home with my mom was a great relief. I grew up in Georgia and it shaped me into the person I a today. I learned a lot there but I would never go back. "Are you good? You've been zoning out all night. If you're not feelin' me, it's fine, just let me know what's up." Terrance's face was held a disappointed look as he confessed his concern about my interest in him. I felt bad because I spent most of our date thinking about my problems and traumas, rather than getting to know him. "I'm sorry Terrance, I had a great time but I was just thinking a lot. You're a great guy but I don't think now is the right time for me to be in a relationship," I was ready to be in a relationship and I didn't have a great time but I wanted to be passive.

He nodded slowly but still kept a smile on his face. "If you need anyone to talk to at any time, you have my number. We can always talk," He was such a sweet guy, I will most definitely keep him around. I haven't made many friends in Texas so, it'll be good to socialize with more people. 

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The car ride home was very awkward. I love silence because it allows me to think but this silence made me feel uncomfortable. It made me question my choices of words or actions on our date. I genuinely want a friendship with Terrance mainly because he is a great person to have around but I don't want him to perceive it as a sympathetic friendship.

We finally made it to my condo and I have no idea what to say to Terrance. I can feel him staring at me which makes me look down in embarrassment. "Look, you don't have to feel bad about today. We'll talk when you're ready, don't worry about it," He tried reassuring me but nothing will make me feel better about how I treated him during our date. I ignored him, and I feel awful.

"Okay, thank you for taking me out tonight. I'm sorry for not being completely engaged, I'll text you though," I said with a fake smile. After saying our goodbyes, I walked into my condo feeling like a complete dumbass. 

"So, How'd it go?!" I jumped and screamed in fright. I forgot Myra and Amira were staying the night at my house. I loved them dearly, but I just need time to myself. "It went fine," I said enthusiastically. My voice was bland as I passed them and walked upstairs to my room. I didn't have to look at them to know they were confused at concerned. The silence says it all.

"Are you sure? Did anything bad happen?" Myra said sounding concerned as I looked gloomy. "I said it went fine!" I shouted from upstairs. I locked my door since I wanted to be on my own and I could hear their loud whispers from upstairs.

"Should we go check on her?" Amira asked, sounding confused. "No, let's give her some space. She seems stressed." Myra said, hesitantly. After I heard the front door close, I broke down in tears. I could never do anything right, even for the people that support me. I always seem to disappoint them and they are slowly becoming frustrated with me.

I left my room and walked down the stairs slowly. My home is now empty and I am by myself. Is it even home, I haven't spoken to my mom in days. Maybe calling her would brighten my moon, I dial her number in hopes to hear her voice. To no surprise, the phone went straight to voicemail. It has been like this ever since I opened my boutique. I don't understand, why isn't she answering her phone? I know my mom is dodging my calls and avoiding me, but I just want to know why.

But I don't cry. I'm tired of crying, I've dealt with avoidance from her and my father for almost a decade, this is nothing. Whenever she does answer the phone, it's usually a 2-minute conversation and she would end the call immediately. All I want is to feel like I matter in somebody's world, I would do whatever to know that someone loves about me.

I just want hugs, kisses, encouraging words, and happiness from someone special. My friends bring happiness to my life, but I want someone to love unconditionally. My fears get in the way of finding true love. The fears of saying the wrong things, neglect, pain. There's always time to face your fears and third times a charm.

Two down, One more to go.

                                                              ~My Perfect Love Story~