Living in my own fantasy

Chapter 1

     Walking down a road where only the street lights are alive. Cars were all speeding their way out of your sight causing for you to be left alone. Those cars could represent people. They come. They go. Passing by our lives to perform different things that will leave us traces of memories. 

     It upsets us whenever their time has come to go. Its not a choice but the need. Maybe they don’t really want to but they needed to. Don't stop them when you have time, if faith isn’t for the both of you, let it be. Do not force something that isn’t really for you. Be a sad soul. Be that sad soul. Be strong to admit that you are. It is better than having something you just forced to have. Anyone could be lonely... But not everyone has the courage to appear as one.

     Extreme sadness, something you can't stop. No matter how hard you tried to cope. If your heart don't agree with it, it is pointless. The feeling when no one in this freaking world understands you. Up to the point that you'll question your own damn reasons. Overwhelming sadness was enabled to kill you mentally.

     I wish I am as numb as statues, no heart, no tears, no freaking breakdowns. I'm so tired of being a sad soul. Make me happy. Show me my worth.

 'There were silent sobs

 Causing her heart's hurtful throbs

 continuous bleeding as her tears

 will never erase tons of fears' 

     I wrote it in a piece of paper. My tears then again flowed. I let them be. I felt pitiful, luckily I'm just staying at home so no one sees how vulnerable I became.  This is life. Not as beautiful as what you are watching on TV, not as good like those scented papers you used to sniff everytime you're on the vibe of reading.

     Life is when my father banged the door showing me his horrendous aura. The door swung open and I'm still here, staying on the bed-- Isolated. This is the best choice... For now, I think. To put barriers around you so now one could enter your own world. A world where you can filter them out.

     His eyes are raging with so much grief. I clenched my fists as I bit my lip looking at the floor. Maybe looking somewhere or even in the nothing could help. At least I won't feel guilty everytime he's punching me with harsh words. I never liked the way it sounds... Or even the way it feels like. A torture.

     A tall, slim man was standing near my doorstep with his messy hair complementing the way he looked. There were dark circles surrounding his eyes, as if marking him like someone who haven't sleep yet. Tired. Frustrated. Aside from his looks, the smell of liquor and strawberries filled my nose.

     He's drunk... Again and again. If it isn't because of 'that' night maybe he's still well right now. The situation got him insane and now I don't know how to control him. How could a teen like me stop a storm while looking so fragile?

     "Why are you here" he asked. I mean-- no, he didn't.

     Just because of the way he delivered it, the question suddenly sounded like a statement. Emotionless. Fearless. Heartless. I remained silent. A moment of silence crossed the line between us. He punched the door and a loud creak on it was heard. The door was broken. Even if it's dark I know that he's still mad.

 “Poor you. Why don't you just..." he paused for a second and then looks at me again.  

"Bring your mother here and you can go" he continued 

     I then again felt the sharp knives on my chest digging deeper than what I felt earlier. Only if I can... I'll really do it. If only I could turn back time and never let go of it again... I'll do it. God knows how hardly I prayed for that thing to happen so everything will go back to normal.

 “D-Dad" I called him, stuttering. " 

    Don't call me dad. Do I look like someone who needed a child right now? What I only need is her!" voices as louder as my nervous heartbeats.

     I can't understand him. She's gone! No matter what we do, no matter what we say she'll never come back! Is it hard to understand? Why do I have to ask these pathetic questions everyday?

 “Look. I know that you're missing her but—" he cut me off.

     "Shut up! What's your purpose, huh? You think you know everything? Do you think you do better than I can?" he proposed a laugh. An insulting laugh that knock the hell out of my chaotic life. 

     His shoulders were shaking as a sign that he's laughing. I felt my body stiffens when I realized that he's laughing yes, but there's no humor in his eyes. I can't read it anymore. He clapped his hands right after and then planted a stare at me again.

     "That's what you are good at. To freaking cry like a baby. For what lady? To appear as if you're the victim? Fool." he left those words without any hesitations.

     I tried to force a smile hoping that these foolish tears would stop. I'm so tired. I can't handle it anymore. Still not believing that I hate him. That I should leave him here so I'll stop finding my worth here– In a house where I don't feel at home anymore.

     I let him. I just let him step into my life and kick my dignity out. Watching him get another glass of alcoholic drink. 

    “Why do you have to treat me like this?" Word by word I blurted. Father's eyes didn't left mine but he's still sipping from his drink. Kind of tipsy but still looking so manly. My vision is getting blurry and I can't feel anything aside from the painful thing like compressing my head. What the hell was that? I did my best to retain my presence and strength. I have to look fine.

     "Don't ask! Get out of my sight! You're nothing compared to my wife. How I wish... How I wish she didn't vanish that fast. You know what?" he paused a little bit. 

 "I am thinking if it will be better if I only I could offer you to death so I'll be able to bring back her body and soul, should I agree?" smirking, he went out of my bedroom leaving the banged door open. What a tiring day. Now, I can't even see my surroundings fully. I took a deep breath so I can help myself relax. This is me and this is my life. I never thought that life may offer me tragedy and drama knowing that I was once a bright person.  

Twists.

 Plot twists.

 Life twists.

     A room filled with agony and insecurities confronted me again and again. I have a lot of why questions on my mind but no one is eager to answer them all. Am I too demanding? Do I seem so rude? Who am I really? 

    I only need him. Dad. I believe we should become the shoulder to lean on by each other but maybe it isn't the right time yet. I'll let you mourn and curse first so the negativities will be free to roam other places instead of just staying inside of you. Not so healthy. 

     And what do you expect? Of course I'm tired so I took a rest on the bed hoping that it will be the last soft surface that I could rest on. “Still, I love you father" I closed my eyes and left a sad smile on my lips before escaping to reality.