Hasrat

Hasrat 5

It’s almost 9 p.m... My stomach is growling from hunger. I’m sitting on the bed, staring at the gap beneath the door. I keep worrying that he might suddenly walk into my room without warning.

Something tells me that he wants me to live with this fear... That he wants me to be afraid of him all the time.

My head turns toward the full-length mirror, and I stare at my pale reflection. I’ve gathered my brown hair on top of my head, just like a little flower bud. My eyes drift downward, landing on the bruise around my neck... The bruise left by Rasha’s hand.

There’s nothing in my mind.

Nothing.

I can’t focus on one problem because I have too many of them!

What am I even supposed to worry about right now?!

The virginity I lost and the uncertain future ahead of me?

Or that cold-eyed, black-eyed man in the room across the hall, whose intentions toward me I still can’t understand?

Or my Grandpa, who threw me away just to protect his reputation?

I don’t know...

I rest my head against my knees.

I don’t know anything.

I don’t want to think about it... because I can’t think of a single way out of this situation!!!

My hunger is becoming unbearable.

Finally, I give in and get up.

I walk slowly toward the door, trying to open it as quietly as possible.

The hallway is dark, and I can’t hear a sound from outside.

Fearfully, I make my way toward the kitchen and turn on the wall lights. Their soft, warm glow fills the kitchen.

I quickly look around me...

Just like a thief!!

Relieved that Rasha isn’t there, I open the refrigerator.

From top to bottom, there’s nothing useful to eat.

It’s filled with cans of water and different drinks.

I frown.

Does he not eat?!

The only thing there is a half-finished pizza box taking up most of the space.

I reach for it, take a slice, and bite into it cold.

I’m so hungry that I devour it with pleasure.

I close the refrigerator door and curiously look around.

His kitchen looks like the kind of kitchen where no one ever cooks homemade food.

Why?

Does he always order food from outside?

The gray atmosphere of the house makes my heart feel heavier and heavier.

Why is everything so lifeless?

So colorless?!

It’s as if life doesn’t exist here at all!!!

My eyes land on the terrace.

A small smile appears on my lips.

Not bad...

One positive point!

I walk toward the terrace and slowly open the door.

There’s a small black table with several black chairs arranged around it.

Black again!!!

Not a single flower or plant.

Tall black railings surround the terrace.

It’s fairly large... The kind of terrace where you could actually have a barbecue.

I smile.

I lean over the railing and look at the glowing streets and houses below.

I take a deep breath and smile.

I’ve always been like this.

I never had many reasons to be happy, so I learned to find happiness in little things.

I smiled because of little things.

When you live inside a cage...

being able to breathe is already a blessing from God.

Still smiling, I turn toward the door—

And suddenly see Rasha standing behind me.

I scream in fear and stumble backward.

My balance gives out, and I lean toward the edge—

One of his hands instantly wraps around my waist and pulls me back up.

My hands land against his broad chest, and I stare into his black eyes in terror.

I can feel the calm rhythm of his heartbeat beneath my hands.

I come back to my senses and quickly pull my hands away, holding them awkwardly in the air.

But his arm doesn’t leave my waist.

My eyes lock with his.

—I just...

I swallow.

—I just came out for some air!

He completely ignores my words and leans forward.

I step backward.

He moves closer.

My body bends backward over the edge like a crescent.

My breath catches from how close his body is to mine.

I turn my gaze away and try to estimate the height from the corner of my eye.

If he lets go of my waist...

from this height...

if I fall...

I’ll definitely die!

A shiver runs through me.

Out of instinct and fear, my hands grab his T-shirt again, pulling myself closer to him while I force myself to look away from the edge.

I whisper fearfully,

—Are you trying to kill me?

He brings his lips close to my ear.

His voice drops to a whisper.

—Maybe.

I swallow hard in terror.

He smirks.

As if he enjoys seeing me afraid.

He suddenly pulls me upward, bringing me back to my feet.

I let out the breath I’d been holding, relieved to still be alive.

His hand leaves my waist.

He looks at me calmly.

Completely indifferent, he murmurs,

—But not today.

I exhale the breath trapped in my lungs and stare into his icy eyes with hatred.

As if I’m nothing more than a toy for him to play with.

He tilts his head and looks me over with amusement.

I quickly walk past him and head back toward my room.

*********

I straighten the papers in my hands.

I’m in the Orphanage with Alireza, organizing some documents.

Alireza looks up.

—Aren’t you going to work?

I give a bitter smile.

—They can manage just fine without me. Aghajoon will probably sleep better if he doesn’t have to see me... I’m sure he won’t even get sick anymore.

He sits beside me.

He looks worried.

—Nafas?

—Hmm?

—What kind of person is this Rasha?

I pause.

—I don’t know.

He frowns.

—Does he hurt you?

I smile.

—Depends on what you call hurting.

He lets out a sigh, as if he has no idea how to help me anymore.

—I wish you had married Zand.

I laugh.

A loud, genuine laugh.

Mrs. Borji walks toward us.

—Are you two finished?

I smile.

—Yes, Mrs. Borji. Arin is back from the hospital!

—Yes, dear. He’s on his way. He’s doing really well. You should go visit him sometime. He keeps asking about you.

—Of course.

I stand up.

I say goodbye to Ali and leave.

I get on the bus and put my earphones in.

I rest my head against the window.

Several stops pass, and I watch the streets through half-closed eyes.

I get off at the final stop and start walking toward Rasha’s house.

At the corner of the street, I spot a supermarket.

I hesitate.

I think for a moment.

A person needs food to survive.

I nod.

Yeah.

I walk inside.

I grab a large shopping cart and buy everything necessary for daily life.

Food...

Toiletries like a toothbrush...

A towel...

And other things.

I leave the supermarket carrying several huge bags, practically dragging myself along the ground from their weight.

Eventually, I reach Rasha’s street.

Tall green trees with thick trunks line both sides of the alley.

Beside them, a large stream of running water makes the street even more beautiful.

I like this alley.

It gives me a strange sense of peace.

With great effort and exhaustion, I finally reach the house.

I stop in front of the door.

I put the shopping bags down.

For a few seconds, I stare blankly at the door.

Then I smack my forehead.

—Ow!

I forgot...

I don’t have a key!

I pull my phone out of my pocket.

My face twists into a giant question mark.

I don’t even have Rasha’s number!!!

I angrily stomp my foot.

What am I supposed to do now?

I look at my watch.

Seven.

Evening.

When is he coming home?

Does he even come home?

What does he do for a living?!

Where does he work?!

I have no answers to any of my questions.

So I pace back and forth in front of the door, hoping that maybe he’ll come home early...

At least so he can annoy me.

I frown.

Why am I even thinking about that?!

It’s like I’m used to being tormented!!!

I close my eyes in frustration at my own stupidity and lean against one of the trees.

My hands slip into my pockets.

Every few minutes, I check my watch.

I wait so long that my legs start tingling from the pain.

Eventually, I move closer to the house and sit down on the ground beside the shopping bags.

I pull my knees to my chest and look at my watch.

9 p.m.

I’ve been waiting here for two hours!!!

The sky has grown dark, and the streetlights have turned on.

I stare at the flickering streetlight above me.

Am I really going to live like this?

Aimlessly?

Just like always?

The screech of car tires pulls me out of my thoughts.

I look up at the man stepping out of a large black car.

I don’t even know what model it is.

But it suits him.

Just like him...

Big.

Intimidating.

Terrifying.

He spins the car keys around his finger before catching them in his hand.

I look at his height and build.

His clothes.

His whole appearance.

I’m sure plenty of girls would go crazy over a man like him.

With that kind of presence...

Why did he end up with me...?

His shadow falls over my body, and I stop my thoughts from going any further.

I quickly stand up.

In the darkness, he looks even more frightening.

First, he looks me up and down.

Then his eyes move to the shopping bags scattered across the ground.

He pauses for a few seconds.

Then he reaches out and takes the phone from my hand.

I stare at him in surprise.

But I don’t say anything.

He fiddles with my phone for a moment, then casually tosses it back into my arms.

I catch it in midair!!!

He opens the front door and walks inside without paying the slightest attention to me.

I stare at the shopping bags on the ground, mouth hanging open.

Okay, what did you expect?

That he would help you?!

Of course not!!

Are you crazy?!

I shrug and twist my lips.

I almost laugh at the expression on my own face.

With great effort, I pick up the bags and push the door open with my foot.

I stumble into the walls a few times as I struggle to keep my balance.

Then I reach the stairs.

I look from the bottom all the way to the top.

A tired groan escapes me.

Come on, girl...

You can do this.

It’s nothing.

Just a few stairs!