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Chapter 2-3

The next morning Samantha and I were sitting in the kitchen eating some cereal. It was so quiet that you could hear the sound of us chewing. It sounded like a bunch of rabbits eating carrots. Crunch, crunch, crunch was all you could hear. I reached for my orange juice and looked over at Sammie. I was puzzled why mom hadn't gotten up to make us breakfast. I asked her if she had seen mom this morning as I gulped down a large swig of juice. She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders. Apparently, she hadn't seen mom at all this morning either. ̈That's weird, I thought to myself as I wonder where she could be? It isn't like her to not be up making her coffee. It's actually become a morning ritual. Ever since dad left every morning she goes into the kitchen usually wearing one of dad's old t-shirts he left behind. Her long black locks are always messy now and she usually has some old black eyeliner on from the night before. Oh and lets not forget the crazy rock music she always has on while she is dancing around and making her coffee. She always say, ̈two scoops of sugar and lots of creamer is the only way to drink coffee ̈. One time she had asked me to make it for her so I agreed. I didn't know, but I had forgotten to add enough creamer so she got angry! She began yelling and then she actually threw it at me! It splashed all over my clothes and face. I could feel the heat from the coffee. It stung everywhere it touched. One thing I knew for sure was to never make that mistake again!

Just as we began to finish up Samantha asked me if I wanted to head outside? I told her we needed to clean up first. She pushed herself away from the table as she headed over to the sink. The dishes clunked against the sides. I told her, ¨you wash and I'll dry ̈. Samantha hated doing the dishes, but she knew the faster we did it the quicker we could leave. After cleaning up we went into our rooms to change out of our pjs. I helped her get her hair into a braid like the one mom usually does for us. She was lucky. Her hair was dark like mom's and she had dark eyes like dad. Her skin was so brown! Samantha never had to worry about getting a sunburn like I do. She is just the perfect mixture of both of them. I envied her because I always wanted to look like my mom.

As we started to head out, I shouted to Samantha to wait for me while I let mom know we were leaving. I ran down the hallway to get to her room. It was the last door to the left. I knocked, but she didn't answer so I twisted the knob to let myself in.

¨̈Who's that ?¨ I was kind of scared by the voice. It was one I never heard before. Just then a man picked his head up off mom's satin pillows and glared at me.

̈Oh that's just my nosy little b***h daughter!¨ she snapped.

I quickly tried to get the words out before she would start yelling. ̈Mom, I just wanted to let you know we are going to go outside and we will be back later. ̈ I said nervously. I looked around her room trying not to make eye contact. I didn't know if she was mad and I didn't know who that strange man was. As I looked around, I noticed the dresser was littered with empty beer bottles. There was also some kind of white powder that was smeared on her handheld mirror.

̈ ̈Well, go on, whatcha waiting for? ̈ she snarled.

I turned around and headed out the door. Boy was I happy to be out of there. Samantha and I were happy to just get away and go hang with April and the guys. When we got to the swimming hole everyone was still on their floats in the water.

̈ ̈Great ̈ I said to Samantha. Looks like we will be stuck here for awhile. She didn't mind it though.

̈ ̈Jade lets go skip rocks on the other side! ̈ she said excitedly.

̈Ok, lets go. ̈ I replied.

We parked our bikes then started looking for rocks. We found a few big beautiful ones. I tried to find the flatter rocks because I could make them go further. The first one I skipped went so far.

̈ ̈Oh cool, my turn! ̈ Samantha rushed over and pushed me to the side.

Hers went even further.

̈ ̈Getting beat by your sister I see ̈.

I didn't even have to turn around to know that could only be Robbie. Why did he always have to bother me? Like does he not have anything else to do? My body became a little tense as I stood there with my arms now folded across my chest.

̈Oh come on, you can't give up now. ̈ He says as if I ever was going to.

̈ ̈Go away Robbie!¨ Ugh, he makes me so annoyed.

̈What and miss all the fun...never ̈ he responded with this smug look on his face. There was no way I was going to walk away and let him think he got to me. This was our spot and I wasn't going to let him ruin it. I told Samantha I needed to find some more rocks and I began shifting around in the bushes right next to us. Skip had come up just then and told me to be careful because there may be a snake living in the shrubs. I let out a loud huff.

̈ ̈Ok, ok, we get it ̈! Can you guys just leave us alone? ̈ I asked while shifting part of the bush into my left hand.

̈Nope! ̈ Robbie quickly replied.

OMG what the heck was wrong with this kid?! Like, seriously! Why did he always have to mess with me?! I jumped to my feet.

̈ ̈Robbie, just go away now! ̈ I yelled angrily.

̈Nope¨ he said again with a snarky chuckle.

I was starting to think getting stuck in the house with mom and that weird guy wasn't sounding so bad after all.

̈ ̈Whatever Robbie, you're such a child!¨ I snapped at him.

It really didn't matter if he stayed honestly. At this point, he had already aggravated me so it really didn't make a difference if he stayed or left. I decided he wasn't going to ruin my day anymore with his presence so I just decided to ignore him. I turned to watch Skip toss a few rocks into the water.

̈Go Skip! ̈ I shouted.

Just then I felt something hit me on my back. ̈ ̈What the heck was that?¨ I asked. I looked around to see what it was and just then something hit me again. ¨Ouch ̈ I yelped this time. I grabbed my arm. I looked down to see a small red mark. Just as I go to look up...whack...this time it hits me right in the eye! I fell to my knees while holding my eye. I couldn't hold the tears back! I just started crying so loud. It felt like my eyeball was going to fall right out!

̈ ̈Oh no, I'm so sorry Jade ̈ Robbie said as he also dropped to his knees while placing his hand on my shoulder.

¨I didn't mean to do that I swear!¨ His voice began to tremble. ¨It was an accident!¨ Now his eyes even began to tear up. ¨I was just playing with you, I promise!¨

Robbie was so upset that all he could think about was making sure I was alright. Even though I hated him more than ever right now, I knew he didn't mean to hit me in the eye. He pulled me in for a hug and kept apologising. I honestly believed him. I don't think he really intended to hurt me. We both got up off the ground. Our knees were covered in dirt. Robbie apologized again and offered to walk me back home. I usually would say no, but I knew I couldn't walk my bike back and keep my hand on my eye at the same time. He grabbed my bike as we started to head towards my house. Samantha asked if she could stay behind, but I knew mom would never go for it so I told her to come on. When we got home Robbie said he was sorry again and gave me another hug. I tried not to cry in front of him because I didn't want to look like a baby. I gave him a quick smile and thanked him for walking me home and I went inside. My eye felt like it had swelled up three times its size. I ran into the kitchen to grab some ice and then into the bathroom to look at the damage. Ugh, it was already turning black and blue. ¨Just great!¨ I thought as I realized I will probably have to go to school like this. The thought paralyzed me with anxiety. I layed on my bed and started to cry again. As I sat there we heard a knock on the door so Sammie went to open it. When she came back to the room April was with her and they came over and sat down next to me.

¨It will be ok Jade. ̈ April whispered quietly.

Tears began to stream down my face. I must have cried for hours. April and Samantha both sat there next to me until I finally stopped crying. The room was so quiet now. You could hear the sounds of the house as it creaked. The sun was going down and the room was starting to get dark. Samantha jumped up to turn on the light. She looked at me with this weird look.

̈ ̈What, what is it? ̈

I asked almost afraid to hear what she was about to tell me. All kinds of thoughts begin to run through my head.

̈ ̈OMG I'm disfigured! ̈ I thought to myself.

̈ ̈Promise me you wont get mad? ̈ she says.

̈ ̈Just tell me!" I said hastedly.

She started to get this mischievous look on her face. She brought her left pointer finger to her lips while biting it. She began fidgeting her foot that was crossed behind her other leg as her toe swirled in place.

¨I think Robbie likes you! ̈ she says as if she knows for a fact.

̈ ̈What! ̈ I explained. ̈ ̈What do you mean? ̈ I asked again.

She comes over and plops down at the foot of my bed.

̈ ̈Well I think he really likes you. ̈ she replied.

Now my mind was racing! I turned to April with a puzzled look. ̈Does Robbie actually like me?¨ I thought to myself. Just then Samantha then jumped up and started pointing at me. She yelled,

¨You like him, you like him!¨

¨I know you do!¨

April and I couldn't stop laughing! I am sure it was because she was acting like a crazy person jumping around in front of us. She kept on. Now singing out Robbie and my name as if I would ever kiss Robbie Brown! April joined in and then we all just started laughing. Just then the door to my room flew open. It was my mom.

̈ ̈What the hell is this? You have a boyfriend?!¨ she yelled with such anger.

I could tell she had been drinking and I am pretty sure she was drunk.

̈ ̈No mom, we are just joking around, that's it I promise! ̈

I was trying to reassure her, but I knew she was not even hearing me. She reached down and grabbed my arm and pulled me off my bed. I knew I was in big trouble. My laughter that I was just sharing with April and Sammie was now turning into straight fear! I knew she wasn't going to let me off so easily. She began dragging me into the bathroom. I pleaded with her to let me go. I tried telling her we wouldn't do it again. I swore to her. Just then she threw open the medicine cabinet and grabbed down the hair clippers. My eyes grew wide. What could she be possibly planning on doing with those? Why is she taking the hair clippers down? She stumbled a bit while trying to plug in the cord with one hand while still holding onto me with the other. I pleaded some more, but she just wouldn't listen to me. I cried out for Samantha to come help, but I knew she wouldn't come and I couldn't blame her!

As she switched on the buzzers, I could feel this huge lump that began to grow in my throat.

̈ ̈Please...no mom....please don't! ̈ I begged.

My body was starting to shake as I tried to break free from her grip.

̈Hold still you little b***h!¨

¨I am not going to have a w***e for a daughter!¨ she snarled.

I couldn't believe this was happening to me! I couldn't believe this is the same mom that can be so loving and yet still hurt us. As I kept asking myself why, she managed now to pin me between her and the sink. Holding onto the sides of the counter I begged her to stop! That's when I felt her snatch out my hair tie as she fumbled to detangle my braid. Oh my gosh, is she really doing this to me, I kept asking myself? That's when I felt the first cut. She had taken the clippers straight down from the top of my head to the bottom. All of my long beautiful golden hair fell to my feet. Again she makes another shave, this time down the front of my head. Over and over she frantically kept shaving away at my hair. All I could do was cry as I knew my pleads had fallen on deaf ears. When she finished we stood there with lumps of my once long golden hair now covering our legs and feet. She grabbed me just under my chin while pushing my face into the mirror.

̈ ̈Look at yourself, just look! ̈ she slurred her speech as she tried to get the words out.

¨You're not so beautiful anymore are you?¨

She then leaned in really close to my ear and said ̈go show your boyfriend now how pretty you are you little slut! Go!¨ she shouted.

I pulled away now that she had loosened her grip. I ran into my room and flopped down on my bed. I couldn't believe she, my mother, had done this to me. ̈ ̈But why Sammie, why would she take away all my hair? I must have cried until the next morning. When the sun finally came up, I could hear my mother in the kitchen singing and making her signature coffee. It was at that moment that I knew I would hate her forever!

                                                                Chapter 3

Going back to school after my mom chopped all my hair off was a nightmare. The kids in my class all made fun of me. One person asked me if I had head lice, as if! Another student told me that with my new haircut I looked like his little brother. I never really liked school before, but now I absolutely dreaded going. I felt terrible for Samantha because not long after my mom cut my hair, she chopped her hair off too. She said it was the new look and that soon all the girls would be wearing their hair in a cropped pixie cut. I personally think she did it so that she wouldn't get into trouble for what she did to me. She always made sure we didn't tell anyone. Now almost sixteen, I would spend most of my days thinking about leaving home. The only problem was, I didn't want to leave my little sister alone with her. April, Sammie and I would go down by the creek and just lay on the grass while looking at the sky. We would come up with all these different plans for how we could run away with the circus. Sammie would say things like,   

¨We would just blend in as misfits and live out our days eating popcorn and cotton candy ̈. 

I chuckled at the thought. April reached over and took my hand interlocking our fingers together. 

¨It will get better Jade I promise¨ then she sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees. 

I could tell she was thinking about something. ¨ What's wrong April¨ I asked. She then looked at us and with the most eerie voice she whispered, ¨what if we kill her¨ My mouth dropped as I tried to process what she was saying to me.

 ¨What¨?!

¨April we cannot kill my mom¨ I shouted! 

Just then Sammie and April broke out in laughter. 

¨Of course not Jade, I was just joking with you¨, she chuckled mischievously. 

¨Ugh, you guys are so childish sometimes¨ I shouted while falling back down onto the grass. April layed back down next to me now with her chin on my shoulder. 

¨Jade you know you are my best friend and I just want to make you laugh¨ she said now more sincerely. 

Samantha interjected, ¨I´ve got it, we will get you hitchhike to Calafornia and become movie stars¨! 

April and I broke out with laughter. Sammie always has the most outlandish ideas on how we can escape mom. Who were we kidding though? We knew we could never leave my mom's house. Well, at least not yet. I knew if we tried and my mom found her and I, it would be so much worse for us. 

On my birthday this year mom and I got into a huge argument. I told her I was going to run away and she would never find me. I meant every word of it to! She calmed me down and told me she was sorry for being so hard on me. I actually believed her for once. So, she was like, ̈I bought you something special for your birthday ̈. I instantly became excited! 

She did something special for me?

̈Really?!¨ I exclaimed. I couldn ́t believe it. I asked her where it was and she informed me that she had been hiding it in the shed. I ran out there like an i***t not realizing once again I had been duped into thinking she cared. Once inside, mom slammed the door and flipped the lock so I would be locked in there. I shouted angrily for her to let me out, but she said this would teach me to threaten her with running away. 

I was locked in there for a week like a prisoner. Who does something so horrible to their child? I thought people would notice me missing, but I guess not. The school didn't even call because at this point we missed so much school that they just thought I was absent again. My mom also kept moving us from house to house. She couldn't hold down a job for more than six months and she kept bringing around these loser guys. At one point, she would pay the move in deposit and then live there for an additional three months free while they went through the process of evicting her. We must have done this about four or five times already. I told Samantha to stop unpacking because it was just more work for us. I wanted to leave! I wanted so much more for us! I didn't want to be my mom's punching bag anymore. Between the house evictions and the car repos, I never became too attached to anything. I knew we wouldn't have it for long. 

I don't know why, but mom was always so angry all the time now. What we often referred to as the good days were far behind us. My mom was no longer the beautiful person we once knew. Now she had gained about sixty pounds on her small frame. Her hair had a few streaks of silver in it and her teeth were starting to rot out of her mouth. She was always high or drunk and so was her boyfriend. One day, I had April over to hang out with me and she barged into my room. She asked us if we wanted to get high. I was so embarrassed that I told her to get out. My mom then looked at me with this cocky little look on her face and told me it was her house, that I would be the only one leaving that room. Then she grabbed the joint she had in her pocket and lit it up.

̈ ̈Do you want some? ̈ she asked April while reaching out towards her to pass her the joint.

̈ ̈Sure! ̈ April said corkidly. 

Then after she took a few puffs she went to pass it to me.

̈No thank you! ̈  I responded with pure disgust. 

¨Oh come on, it's just a little weed! ̈ April said quickly while giving me a little wink. 

Feeling pressured I regrettably took a hit. I was so mad at myself! I knew April was just trying to keep the peace, but I didn't want to become like my mom.  I had watched her use drugs and drink for most of our lives. I watched her looks deteriorate over the years. I didn't want that for my life. I am not sure why, but I began starving myself. I became convinced if I ate I would be sick. I would go days without eating, while my weight became dangerously low. I am not sure if I did it as a way to get away or if it was because it was the only thing in my crappy life that I could have control over. Either way she couldn't make me eat and I loved having some of my power back. 

After the weed incident, my mom began pushing other stuff off on me. Always insisting I drink a beer or take a shot with her. I began liking the feeling alcohol gave me. It was a means to escape my crazy life and plus my mom was a lot nicer to me when we were hanging out. I liked the fact that I just didn't care when I was drunk. I didn't care that we really never knew if we had a place to live or not. I didn't care that we never had food in the house. Or that roaches often would crawl out of every open box left in the kitchen. I just stopped caring about everything! Why would I care anyways? We were always having people over and parties. The house was always dirty and littered with people that would crash there if they had no place to go.

One night we began drinking pretty late and it was well into the early morning hours. My mom had a house full of her friends over because she had just broken up with her flavor of the month. I was so used to seeing a different guy in her bed that I stopped asking who they were. She had so many lovers that I lost count. The one thing she did well was throw a party! That night, the music was blaring some old rock music from these huge speakers she picked up on the side of the road. She had them in the living room next to the television. On this particular night, people were laying all over the floors and couches. There were beer cans and trash that littered the tables and carpet. The strong scent of cigarettes filled the air and stuck to your hair and clothes. She had just installed a black light in the living room so it wasn't well lit, but you could still see all the drugs laying all over the tables. It was like a pill mill, you name it, she had it there. A few of her friends were doing heroin and they had left some of their needles in the bathroom. In my drunken stupor I actually stuck myself with one trying to throw it out. ̈ ̈Just great ̈ I thought to myself while thinking about all the diseases I could catch from that one needle stick. 

I had pushed the bathroom door closed and wrestled with the top button on my jeans. It was stuck and I really needed to pee badly. Just then someone started tugging at the door and banging on it.

̈̈Jade, Jade you have to come out! ̈ The voice from outside the door begged. I was so drunk I didn't even realize it was my little sister.

̈ ̈What is wrong?¨ I mumbled. 

She was so distraught and out of breath. I knew something was wrong and I tried to get my senses. I asked her again, ̈what is it Sammie ̈? 

She started to tell me but she was talking so fast.

̈ ̈It ́s mom, just come look! ̈ 

She grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me towards the front of the house. By now the house had cleared out and everyone was standing in the yard. I looked around and that's when I saw her. My mom was standing in the road way with her shotgun yelling ̈I'm going to kill him¨. I don't know why, but she was crazed. With all the adrenaline now pumping through my veins, I began to sober up. I knew if we didnt get out of there social services would take us away. It's crazy to think that the one thing Í had wanted for so long, I was now trying to avoid. I just didn't want to be separated from my little sister. She needed me and we are all each other has. I told her to lets go Sammie and I tugged on her shirt sleeve as I headed towards the back of the house.

̈ ̈Over there! ̈I said quickly as I pointed to the neighbor's house. We ran into their backyard and hid in our neighbor's tree house. I knew no one would think to look for us up there. My neighbor's son Timmy kept blankets up there for nights he had friends over. We both climbed onto the little mattress off in the corner. I told her it would be alright and I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

Back at the house, when the cops got there they called an ambulance and took my mom to be admitted. She was refusing to be treated so they had to Baker Act her. They sent a social worker over to the house that they assigned to us and explained our mom was really sick. The woman was such a nice lady. She was a small woman and spoke very quietly. She told us that we had to go live with our grandma for a while. I was honestly okay with that because my grandmother was an amazing woman. She would of kept us forever, but my mom would never allow it. We were only at her house for about six months before my mom was able to get us back. My sister and I both cried that night because we didn't want to go home with her. We knew six months wasn't long enough. Things were finally normal after so long. 

¨How could they put us back there? ̈ I asked myself. When we got back home she seemed normal, but it wasn't long before she had started acting insane again. I just couldn't take it anymore! I began fighting back. I didn't care what she would do to me. I didn't want to be abused anymore. I was almost eighteen now and I knew I could hold my own if I really needed too.  One day while riding along the highway she began yelling at me. I was so tired of the yelling. I was tired of her controlling me and beating on me. I wanted to grow my hair back out like it was so long ago. I wanted to date and find love. As she continued screaming, I told her to stop, but of course she didn't. She threatened to stop the car if I didn't shut my mouth so I decided I would keep on. She wasn't getting her way this time and I knew this was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for all my life. We were on a highway and I knew if I ran the opposite way she wouldn't be able to follow me. The minute she pulled over I jumped out. I just started running. 

I have never ran so fast in my life. I could hear my sneakers pounding against the hot pavement. I felt bad leaving Samantha, but I knew that if I was ever getting out of there now was the time. I ran for what felt like an eternity. I made sure she wasn ́t following me and started looking for a place to catch my breath. After finding a pay phone, I called April to come get me. I was so relieved when she got there. I was so scared that my mom would see us even though I knew she was nowhere around. I looked at her and I asked her to open the trunk. 

̈ ̈The trunk?! ̈ she asked. Then I replied ¨yes the trunk ̈. I knew I would be in so much trouble if she found me so climbed in. I pushed the old clothes her aunt gave her to donate to the side and I just fit. It was dark and hot, but I didn't care. I knew this was the only way. I rode in the trunk the entire way to her house. I didn't care if it was hot and I didn't care that it was smelly. I was so close and there was no turning back now! That was the last day I ever lived with my mom. I was finally free!