Devoted to The Tide

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CHARLIE

“You have to eat something.” If I had a gold piece for every time Caspian told me that I needed to eat or needed to rest or needed to do anything at all, I’d be the richest lass in the motherlands. So I gave my default response, which was nothing at all.

Seven days. A whole week I’ve been hiding in my quarters, trying to look busy when other people are around but wallowing in my guilt and anxiety when I was alone. The map crinkled as I rolled it back up, avoiding looking at Caspian. “Charlie, please. You need your strength.” “I’m fine. You’re the one who should be resting.” He shakes his head, sitting forward a bit in his chair across from my desk. “I’ve rested already. Now it's your turn. Neglecting your health won't make Perseus wake up any faster.” I continued to ignore him as I rummaged through my book shelf for my journal that I’ve been holding onto for several years. The pages were filled with my thoughts and adventures and new information I’ve retained over time. I had yet to write down the encounter with the nest of Ethereals, probably because I’ve been too busy trying to stay distracted that Percy still hasn’t woken up.

“Just go, Cas. I have work to do.” I say coldly, my tone even and calm as I attempt to suppress my emotions. “Is there… Anything I can do to at least help?” “Yes, actually. Go get a report from the healers on Perseus’s health.” He looks at me, hesitating to follow my orders, but he ends up slowly standing to his feet anyway, the chair scraping across the wooden floor. “Alright then.” He mutters before turning to leave. I glance at him as he closes the door behind him, getting lost in thought again. I let out a sigh as I sat back in my chair, closing the journal in front of me once again with a sudden thud. It was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the one getting hit by that fin and flung into the water. It was supposed to be my unconscious body getting dragged out of the water back onto the ship… but it was Perserus. He was the one lying in the other room with several broken ribs. Don’t die Percy. Please don’t die.

…

Finding the courage to leave my quarters and face my men took a lot more courage than I anticipated. But finally joining my crew for supper- well lets just say, I wasn’t really expecting such a warm welcome. The crew cheered, “Hurrah! Give it up for the Captain!” I gave a weak smile and a nod in response as I walked through the dining room to go to my usual seat. “Aye! The fiercest and most fearless lass to ever sail the seas!” I chuckle at their compliments, feeling a sense of pride and yet, I still had guilt in my heart. “Aye. I couldn't have done it without you lads.” I respond in the most respectful way possible.

Sitting ahead of the room, and watching all of the men laugh and rejoice in our recent victory put me in a state of dissociation. The last time I felt like this was when Vlad passed away. Where everyone celebrated the victory while I wallowed in my grief to myself, unsure how to continue on with my life. I didn't blame anyone for their victorious celebrations, they had every right to. It was just a very uneasy feeling.

“Good to see ya out your hole.” Bishop says, approaching my table. “Aye. How are you feeling?” I ask him, but he just chuckles again as he sits beside me. “I’m alright lass, don’t you worry about me.” I fidget with my cup full of wine, suddenly not having the desire to drink any of it. “How’s Percy?” I kept my gaze fixated on the cup. “I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything new from the healers.” “Still out like a light eh?” I looked up at him, uneasy about his comment. “Don't worry, captain. He’s a tough ol’ nut. Lad knows how to hold his own, that’s for damn sure. He will pull through.” “It’s just… I can’t… I can’t let him die knowing the last thing I said to him was telling him to die.” Bishop sets down his own cup, his brow c****d. “You told him to die?” I nodded, rubbing my eyes. “I didn't mean it… I was just angry. I told him to jump overboard.” He lets out a snort. “Aye, and overboard he went. Thought I was seeing a falling star with the way he flew over the edge of the ship.” He laughs. I whack him on the arm at his teasing, can’t help but to smile a bit as well. “I just… hope he’s okay.” “Have you seen him at all?” I slowly nod, a wave of embarrassment wash over me. “Caspian… he had to pull me out of the room because I wasn’t able to leave his side.” I muttered, my voice soft enough to avoid lingering ears. Bishop gives me a look of surprise. “Huh. You must really care for him.” For some reason, I instinctively shook my head. “I care about him as much as I care for every soul on this fleet.” “Is that so? We had seven casualties during the battle against the nest of Ethereals. All new recruits just like Percy. Have you mourned for them too?” My chest tightened as Bishop questioned me, and I knew deep down he had a point. Desperate to escape the conversation, I stand to my feet, stepping aside. “I have work to do.”

Of course, my ‘work’ was just an out, because here I was again, sitting in a wooden chair beside Perseus’s bed, watching the slow and even breaths he took as his chest rose and fell so calmly. I would sit here for hours on end, praying to every god I knew to let him wake up. Even if I didn't deserve him here. I wanted him here. I needed him here. Gods be good, don’t take his life just yet. Not like this. I silently prayed every hour of the day as I rested my head on his hand, listening closely to his breath. The creaking of the floors and walls while the ship swayed filled the room, but I could still hear my own heartbeat race as I sat here and waited… and waited… and waited. Every day I did this. And it’s been a week now. And now, Bishop’s words rang in my ear. I must really care about him. Because why did Perseus' health become more important than the others? Perhaps because I would drown in guilt if he died the same way I told him out of anger… or perhaps because I actually did care… or both. Either way, I wasn’t letting his damn life end this way.

Caspian waltzed in the room, gently closing the door behind him. “I just spoke with the healers. There's nothing really new to share. All we can do now is wait.” I remained still, my head still resting on the back of Perseus’s hand, now feeling dread for the patience we had to have. “That should be me on that bed.” I mutter, my voice hoarse. “I should be the one in this room, my bones shattered. Not him. Why in the holy land of Kurnos did he do it?” Caspian kneels down beside me, resting his hand on my back. “Just be grateful it wasn’t you though. You’re the captain. Your safety is more important.” The numbness in my face spread to my fingertips as I laid so still. “I told him to die, Cas. Now if he-“ I shook my head, unable to finish my sentence for I felt my eyes threatening to swell with tears. “Charlie… he is not going to die. My cousin is an i***t of a bastard but if I know anything… he happens to be one of toughest people I know.” Hearing Caspian compliment his cousin like that after knowing how much he thinks of him, gave me relief in a way. Perhaps I was being dramatic, but I just can’t handle it as well as I used to… and I think losing Vlad had hit me hard enough to be the reason for my lack of emotional strength. “Come on… you need rest.” My numb and weak body had easily submitted to Caspian’s physical support as he helped pick me up off of the chair by the arm. I stood slowly, my gaze still fixated on Perseus, leaving the room for another night.