His Touch Remains

5. Nosebleed

"No. I told you I'm not going there anymore," my voice hardened when my mother insisted for me to see a psychiatrist.

"And what? Just let you suffer there and wait until you get admitted to a mental hospital?!" she hissed on the other line.

My other fist balled because I couldn't just tolerate her words towards me. It is not as if I am completely out of control. She just doesn't understand what I am going through.

"I am managing just fine. I don't need to see a psychiatrist and if I am already on that point, I am going to make it my way," I said with finality in my voice, not wanting to be controlled again with their suffocating plans.

My grandmother cleared her throat while watching a drama on the TV. I was sitting on the sofa beside her, holding the telephone because my mother interrupted my watching with a call.

"No. I'm going to call a local psychiatrist and schedule a session for you. Don't be stubborn and just do what I say. It's for your good!"

I sighed helplessly. "Whatever you say, Mom. I won't go. Bye." I cut the call and returned the telephone on the side table.

"I'm going to sleep." I kissed my grandmother from the back of the sofa and looked at my grandfather who was lying on the other side.

"Think about it, honey. Okay?" grandma caressed my cheek while saying that.

I exhaled. "Okay, Gran."

But seriously, I won't. I went straight to my room and threw my body on my bed. I exhaled again and stared blankly at my ceiling.

I had been seeing a psychiatrist for two years during my stay in the States. Unfortunately, it didn't do me good. All I did was take medicines that I ended up sick from it.

Although talking to them helped me sometimes, I couldn't be consistent with my attitude because the environment at home wasn't conducive. I ended up seeing myself just surviving and not living. So no, I won't do it.

There must be some other ways out there and I would take control over my decision on what to do with my sanity because this time, I am willing to be healed. I went here, to my grandparents' hometown, to live in peace. Even with the sudden appearance of Apollo, I won't let him ruin me. I won't.

"No! Stop! Please stop!" I heard myself screaming and panting from sleep.

I'm in a dark room lying on the bed while a monster was doing his thing on top of me. I couldn't breathe from his weight that weighs like a thousand rocks. I was crying and begging for help but no words came out as a sound but a whimper.

The feeling was very real and the pain attacked me very raw. It's like a bomb on the verge of exploding and then I woke up, catching my breath.

The light on my ceiling welcomed my sight. I covered my ears from the pain when it continuously whistled a high pitch sound. It's even louder than the beating of my heart and all I could do was cry.

"No," I sobbed. Now, everything felt real and I couldn't hold back from it knowing that the dream was real after all.

"Stop!" I shouted when the scene never stopped recurring in my head. I wanted to burst! I wanted to bang my head just to stop it!

I rushed to the comfort room. Still gasping, I opened the shower and the cold water splashed all over me.

I sat and hugged my knees, just letting my body soaked with the running water and hoping that it would clean and wash away all that I was feeling.

On that morning, I was exhausted. I did not have the chance to do my morning walk anymore because my body clock... everything was ruined.

I wore jeans, a plain t-shirt, and a long cardigan to school. I didn't even bother fixing my hair and just let it hang on my back. I was still preoccupied with the nightmare.

Everything was tiring and I couldn't help but heaved a deep sigh while Alex was talking something about Louisa which was none of my business.

"Her parents have the power so she thinks she can do whatever she wants which is true. Did you know that our classmate in high school dropped out because Louisa blamed her for stealing things on her bag when in fact, she was just hiding them." Alex tightened her grip on her utensils.

"Then later, we found out that Louisa was just doing that to make Apollo despise that girl and to catch his attention!"

My brows raised at the mention of the name. "And did he turn his attention to her?" If so, he has very bad taste in women. I would know better if that's me.

"Well," She looked up to think, "they are friends but there are gossips that Louisa was friend-zoned by him."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Look," I turned my head to the center table where they were seated. "I think she is not yet giving up. Look at her arm on his shoulder."

"Ugh!" We both rolled our eyes and looked away.

"Everyone is saying that they are together but there aren't any proofs. Apollo isn't hanging with them during weekends and that I suppose is a confirmation that they aren't together. But Louisa is just too fed up with the thought of having him as a boyfriend so she isn't letting go even if she is already rejected."

"So, she is just a desperate friend who wants to be his lover, huh?"

I pursed my lips and closed my eyes when my head suddenly pulsated.

"I know right. But who knows, knowing Louisa, she might be controlling Apollo naturally that the other one doesn't notice indifference about it."

"They are both dumb," I drawled, losing interest in the topic now that my head was aching. I leaned on the table and massaged my temples.

"Are you okay?" She put down her utensils.

"Yeah, just migraine," I reasoned.

"It looks like you're sick these past few days." Her hand went to my chin and raised it only to see my cringing face. "Is there something wrong?"

I shoved her hand away and straightened my posture "No. Are you done eating? Didn't you say you have a meeting?"

She looked at me intently because I suddenly diverted the topic. She sighed. "Yes. Do you want to come? Our meeting will be in the music room."

I immediately shook my head. "No. I'll just wait for you outside." Meetings, seminars, and the like are dreadful to me. My headache might end up getting worse if I will attend.

Alex was part of the music club. I didn't engage myself in things like that merely because I lost my interest in many things.

"I'll just wait for you there." I pointed at the tables in front of our field. The gymnasium where the music room was located just far behind.

I sat on the farthest shade because there weren't a lot of students occupying near the area. I plugged in my earphones, wanting to have a rest just for a few minutes when I noticed blood coming out on my nose.

"What the hell." I pinched my nose and rummaged my bag to get my tissue. I was breathing with my mouth when I got up and ran to the faucet beside the gymnasium.

I immediately ran water on my nose but the blood kept on coming out. This is irritating! I am bleeding yet again. It was already months since the last time.

"Look at her." Some students passing by were looking at me.

I put my hand on my hips while the other was still pinching my nose. I just looked at the people passing by. What? Is this their first time to see someone nosebleeding?

My brows furrowed when I recognized a very familiar face walking towards the faucet. He was wearing a plain v-neck shirt, fitted jeans, and sneakers.

He hadn't seen me so I ducked my head to avoid eye contact. No, I don't want to face him. He caused me a great deal last night!

I grabbed my tissue and covered my nose with it. I was ready to run but he's already in front of me. Nervous, I took a step back but he caught my wrist to stop me from going anywhere.

"I told you not to come near me! Let me go!"

I pulled my arm against his grip but he only pulled my arm closer to him just like yesterday. It was irritating how he could comfortably do this thing when in fact, we didn't even know each other. He looked down at me and I couldn't do the same so I stared at his chest instead.

"You are bleeding," he said huskily.

"I know!" I shouted with my trembling voice.

He managed to get my hand off my nose. And I almost lost my sanity when I felt his rough thumb wiping the blood under my nose. I felt like convulsing with what he did!

"Stop!" I wanted to brawl and punch him for what he did but now, I was too stunned by what he was doing. His hand went to the curve of my back and leaned me forward to the faucet.

"Stop whatever you are planning to do!"

"You need to lean forward to stop the bleeding. You don't lookup. You are doing it the wrong way," he casually said.

"I know what I am doing!"

He turned on the faucet but I just stared at it. Why would I follow him?

"Wash your nose. Don't wait for me to do that."

I glared at him sideways, wanting to show how annoyed I was with what he was doing.

"Let go of my wrist so I can do it properly!" Huh! I won't do it!

"No. Just get it done."

Ah! I hate him! How can he be so comfortable at telling me what to do? We don't know each other. I even slapped him and told him the worst! Is this how he's getting back at what I did, to annoy me?

"Friends do think alike. You and your friends really know how to annoy people."

He didn't respond. I looked down at my bloody nose and pouted to see how much blood was coming out there. I ran my hand on the water, just feeling how warm it was.

He shook my wrist he was holding. "The nose. Clean your nose and not your hand."

"If you can't wait, you can go! I am not obliging you to help me. I don't even need your help. You're annoying!"

"You talk too much, huh?"

"What? That's because you keep on popping out like a mushroom! Very unnecessary! You know?"

When did I ever become loud? I was just annoyed!

He roughly sighed, sounding annoyed to me. "Why don't you just do what I tell you and we're done? I just want to help. If it bothers you then, sorry," he shrugged. He didn't look serious with that.

As much as I didn't want to do what he told me, I also didn't want to prolong my wasted time with this guy. So, I did.

I couldn't even do it right because my hair's just getting in the way. I shoved it using the back of my hand but it kept on coming back. If only he wasn't holding my other hand!

"Ugh," I groaned.

I moved my head when I felt his hand scooping my hair when he noticed I was struggling. I almost kicked him from startling me. I was glaring the whole time I was cleaning my bloody nose!

"You need to sleep early and eat a lot. You're too skinny, that's why you are bleeding," he seriously said.

Wow! Did he just lecture me? I couldn't help myself but sneer at him. What does he know about me?

"Don't try too hard. You know nothing."

Since then, I hated it when someone would comment about my body. I just feel uncomfortable about it even if it's good or bad. They don't have the right to tell how my body should be and honestly, I don't even know my body sometimes so they should shut up because they know lesser than me.

"Done." I straightened my posture and looked at him. He put my hair on my back and handed me my clean tissue. I wiped my face with it. The collar of my shirt even got wet.

"Do you have a plan on letting me go?" I asked when I noticed that he was just staring at me. He exhaled deeply as he let go of me, finally.

"Why are you bleeding?" he asked and I was suddenly confused with that question.

Who cares if I am bleeding? It's normal for me. I didn't answer him because I thought I am not entitled to give him answers.

"You're sick yesterday because you fell on the..."

I smirked, "What? Are you guilty that you let me fall?" He gritted his teeth. "Thanks," I said coldly, wanting to end the conversation.

"The next time it will happen, don't look up," he reminded me again. I just nodded lazily but his jaw tightened more with my cold demeanor. I seriously need to getaway.

"I'm going." I immediately walked away from him, leaving him with a frowned face I do not understand.

I went back on the bench and arranged my things inside my bag before I rested my head on my arms on the table. I don't feel right. It seemed like everything around me was turning and I was dizzy because of it.

"Leil, wake up! Our meeting is done." I heard Alex and felt her tap my shoulder. I opened my eyes heavily, still wanting to get more rest.

"You look so pale. Are you sick again?" Her hands made to my forehead.

"No, I am just really tired today. I want more sleep." I stretched my arms and tried to give her a small smile just to assure her I am alright.

"Why can't I seem to believe that?"

"I am really alright. Let's go?"

"We have a practice after class starting on Monday for our foundation day next month." Alex was just giving me a bit of what happened at their meeting.

I lazily walk behind her because I suddenly felt nauseous. I covered my mouth to stop it but I ended up getting tears on the sides of my eyes. I wiped it and that's when my eyes caught that person again.

They were seated at the patio where we were about to pass. I turned my gaze in another direction but I think it was too late. He caught me but I didn't look back.

"Look. There's Apollo." Alex went to my side.

"Who cares?"

"You really don't like him, do you?"

Yes, I don't like him. I don't like him but I can't fight the urge to look in his direction when he was looking at me! He was just meters away from us and I could see them especially so that we were walking in their direction.

I raised an eyebrow at him even if I feel weak. He just stared at me blankly. I hate to think that his stare has some badly hidden agenda towards me.

I tightened my grip on my bag and looked away. Why am I suddenly seeing him everywhere on the campus the past few days?

"Alex I need to go to the restroom. Let's walk faster." I held Alex's wrist and walked faster because I already felt like throwing up.

My peripheral vision caught Apollo still looking when we passed by their table but I didn't look back.

"You are so cold. You are sick Leil. Let's get you to the clinic!" Alex's voice trembled. Instead of me grabbing her, it turned the other way around but I stopped her when she's about to go in the other direction.

"I need to throw up!"

I ran to the nearest restroom and went inside a cubicle. I sat on the floor and immediately, everything inside made its way out. I was holding my stomach and leaning my head on the bowl for few minutes. I didn't even mind how many butts had seated on it.

"Leil, are you okay there?" she knocked on my door.

My legs trembled when I stood. I held on to the wall to gain my balance and flashed the bowl before going out.

Alex looked worried, she immediately grabbed my hand and looked at me intently.

"I'm okay," I smiled at her and walked to the sink to wash and gurgle.

"Sometimes, when we say we're okay, that's when we are not. Tell me about it." she stood beside me.

I looked up and saw my reflection on the small mirror above the sink. My eyes were deep and the dark circles around them were darker than usual. My fair skin looked even paler. I sighed. That fast? I didn't look like this on Monday. It was wearing me off.

"I'll tell you when the right time comes," I said because right now, I am not ready to open things up.

I need to fight. I don't want to fall into the pit of this nightmare. I should do something. I promised myself to decide on my own so I must do something about it.

"Okay. I'll wait if that's the case." Alex caressed my hair gently and smiled at me through the mirror.

"Let's go?"

I deeply exhaled when we saw Apollo leaning on the side of the CR. He didn't notice us because he was looking at the floor. And I didn't have any intention to get his attention but Alex greeted her shyly.

"Hi!" she greeted him. What the hell? I thought she would never have the chance to talk to him but what was she doing.

My face immediately went into a bad mood when he turned his gaze towards us.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Uhh. About what?" Alex asked, confused about what he was talking about.

"To her," he said seriously.

I automatically set my eyes on him when he said that. He was referring to me.

"Nothing happened to me. Don't get so nosy about people who is a stranger to you. Mind your own business," I spat at him.

His jaw clenched and his eyes turned a shade darker, I almost lost my strong facade. I was the first one to look away again because he wasn't giving up like he wanted to excavate something from my eyes but he didn't say a word.

"Let's go." I grabbed her arm and passed by him.

That's when I noticed a few people gathering in front and murmuring about what they saw. Even Louisa and Venice were there, glaring at me as I did her something grave.