Vindicated

Beauty Sleep

After Derek left, I  took some to admire the room. I  looked out the window and could see the garden and pool. The sight is just breathtaking. I can see the beautiful carnations, roses, and palms.  This was the life I always wished I’d  have. It was elegant but simple at the same time. It can’t last. I will only stay until it’s safe for me to leave. I cannot burden Derek with my life, with my past. 

I lay down on my bed. It feels like I’m laying on clouds. It’s so comfortable. A little too comfortable. The past few days have been exhausting. Hell, the past few years have been exhausted. I close my eyes and before I know it I’m asleep. 

**************************************************************************

I am in the garden running. I look behind me. My heart is racing. I can see Mitch running steadily behind me. His eyes are filled with furry. He’s coming after me. He’s gonna kill me. He found me. He was right, he always does. I keep running but every exit leads me right back to the beginning. I eventually crawl into the hedges hoping he won’t see me or hear me. 

“Where’d you go b***h?!” 

I say nothing. I cannot. I am frozen with fear.

“You know I will find you.I always do.”

Still frozen in fear I keep quiet. I move my hand and feel something hard and cold beside me. I look over and see Stella laying there lifelessly. Blood is pouring out of her mouth. I cover my mouth.Tears fill my eyes. She’s gone because of me. He’s gonna kill me too. I cannot believe this is happening. I thought we were safe here. 

“Well since you don’t want to come out, how about I pay your little boy toy Derek a visit. Finish this once and for all before I deal with you.”

No, he cannot touch Derek. I love Derek. He cannot kill the man I love. I hear his footsteps fade. 

"Last chance. Either come out or your precious boy toy is dead."

I know he's being serious. I need to save Derek. I cannot let  him be killed because of me. 

I push through the other side or the hedge and start running. 

I lose balance and everything goes dark until I feel water hitting my face.  Opening my eyes,  I see the bottom of the pool. I quickly swim to the surface. 

I start to swim to the edge when I feel something pull at my feet. Before I can look back, I'm under water. Trying to kick away, trying to scream underwater, I feel someone pulling me into them.  It's getting harder to breathe. I’m pulled to the surface coming face to face with the demon himself. 

He puts his hands on my neck squeezing as tight as he can. 

“You’re dead now b***h”

**************************************************************************

I gasp myself awake. What a horrible f*****g dream. It was so surreal. I look around and it’s rather dim in here due to the fact that it’s getting dark out. My eyes fixate on the darkest corner of the room where I swear I see a shadow moving. My breathing becomes heavy. Deciding that I’m not gonna sit here and wait for my death, I jump up out of bed only to realize the dark shadow is that of a Palm tree in the backyard casting out a shadow. 

Well I feel like a dumb ass now. I need to shake this thought. A nice bath will definitely refresh me.  

After drawing my bath, I take a good look at myself in the mirror.  Damn, it’s like I’ve been in one hell of a battle. And I have. The battle of life, heartbreak, and love. Maybe Derek is right. I am a warrior. I’ve been in a war against a man who claimed her loved me for years now. But this is a war that I won even though I never thought I would.

My eyes are so bloodshot it looks like I’ve been smoking the reefer non stop. I remember the doctor telling me it might take awhile for my eyes to heal completely. The mark on my neck is now a dark purple. 

I don’t even know who I am anymore or even who I was. I don’t look like me. Truth be told, I haven’t looked like me in years. 

Taking the wrap off my ribs, all I see are dark bruises. How the f**k am I alive? I look disgusting. How could I ever let myself go through all of this? What was it for? What was the point?

Dipping myself into the bathtub, it feels so soothing. The water is the perfect temperature. All the pain that I’ve been feeling feels so much better. It feels so good that I don’t think I ever want to leave this tub.  

Closing my eyes, the past few days start replaying in my mind. All the thoughts, feelings, and emotions come running back.  Flashbacks of all the fists I have seen, all the blood, the bruises, the pain. Mitch’s face wouldn’t leave my brain. The anger on his face. The way he looked at me as if I was I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Seeing him violate and torture Stella. Tears rush down my face. I deserve more. We both deserve more. Not even realizing through these thoughts that I was vigorously scrubbing every inch of Mitch’s dirty scent off my body. I had to get him off me. Every crevice on my body scrubbed.  The more the flashbacks I saw, the harder I scrubbed.

Scrubbing my ribs immediately snapped me out of this. Opening my eyes instantly to the shrill of pain I felt. I know it’s real. I know it’s over. But this hurts so much more than the physical pain. I don’t hurt for Mitch. I hurt for me. I should have loved myself more. I should have put myself first . I should have gone to college. I should have done things so much differently than I did. 

Taking a deep breath, I step out of the tub.  Looking at myself in the mirror I immediately see the damage I have just done. My whole body is bright red. I’ll never be able to hide this. Embarrassing as it is, this is part of the damaged me. The part that I try to hide. So ashamed by my past, having a hard time succumbing to my future, to my now. 

After wrapping myself in a towel, I slowly make my way into my bedroom into my walk in closet. It feels so weird saying that. My room. My walk-in closet. I still cannot believe this is my new life.  Finding a pair of  comfy yoga pants, a pink tank top, and a black hoodie with pockets, I head back out of the closet and into my room. Being the clumsy ass that I am, I slip on the one f*****g puddle I left on the floor and fall, causing me to shriek like I was being murdered.

 If I wasn’t in pain before, I f*****g am now. f**k, I am such a freaking i***t. Cannot even watch where the hell I’m walking. No wonder Mitch beat my dumb ass.

Wait, why am I moving. Who’s touching me?

Tilting my head up I see Derek. His eyes fixated on mine.He’s so damn beautiful.

Wait, I’m f*****g naked. And he’s carrying me. This is embarrassing as hell. My body is  damaged, far from beautiful.  This is the firmest and gentlest I’ve ever been in, in a man's arms. He wasn’t looking anywhere but my eyes. This feels like he is looking into my soul Like two lost souls connected, magnetized to one another.  

Derek softly laid me on the bed never taking his eyes off me. It was like the most sensual feeling. If I wasn’t so f****d up, I would jump his bones right now. Mere thought of that turns me on even though I know I cannot do this. I cannot love him. He cannot love me. I am not capable of being loved. 

Helping me wrap my ribs and dress, Derek kisses every wound. Almost like he’s healing every inch of my body. He wants to save me but I don’t know why. I don’t deserve to be saved. I don’t deserve someone like him. 

Helping me on my feet, Derek pulls me close to him. His scent just draws me in. I never wanna leave his arms. Why am I fighting this so hard? Why am I so in between loving and leaving this man that I barely know.?

Kissing my forehead makes my knees week. Noticing, Derek holds me up.

“It’s time for dinner. I’ll walk with you. Wouldn’t want you to have another accident.”

“Hah, yeah. Sorry. Bet you didn’t know you signed up for  being around a walking accident.”

“A perfect walking accident,” he says kissing my hand. 

It’s crazy how he makes me feel vindicated.He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel love.  He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of in a man but I’ll never be enough. Why can’t I be enough. Maybe I can just let it be what it is even if it’s just temporarily. I’m not sure how much longer I can stay away from him.  Or even if I want to.