Just a ghost girl

Gathering thoughts

They had kept me shut down for a couple of days. I could tell by the automatic calendar I had in my room, where I had awakened.  I felt very disoriented like I had awaked.. well from a coma. It took me a while to remember what had happened before the shutdown. The pain in my chest was gone or rather it had shrined its original size. That was good news.

It was very refreshing not to feel the pain and misery anymore. And I tried not to think about it because just the thought of it gave me shivers. What was the use to be a hologram if you couldn't do most of the things like pick up objects but still were as vulnerable as you had been before? It had really been a very stupid idea to leave the room in the first place.

The main question was how much trouble I was in. Would they think I had helped the rebels or would they think I had just helped Rebecca and after that been used by the rebels? I would definitely be punished in some other way than just two days of being shut down. Nicolas was definitely mad at me and he would probably prefer the worst possible punishment.

"Shut her down!" Echoed in my head. Oh, I remembered. Matteo had been there ordering me to be shut down. He might be angry at me also which made me feel very sad. He had asked me to behave for him and I did the opposite. I did more than the opposite I went extreme on misbehaving. 

Since it was about the rebels Matteo or even Nicolas wouldn't be determining my punishment. My life was in the hands of Matte's father, the leader, or the board of chairmen. If they thought I had anything to do with the rebels than meeting them the first time today they would send me to the working camp as soon as I woke. Or there was the possibility they would stop my treatments. I didn't know what that would mean since I hadn't seen my body and which shape it currently was.

Body. Again I remembered something. My body hadn't been in the room where I had been told it was. Had they moved it and no one had remembered to tell me that.  Actually, the room had looked more like a break room for the medical than a treatment room. Did it mean that my body had never been there? What did that mean that I didn't have a body or they didn't want me to know for some reason where it was? 

Do  I have a body, I wondered.  Am I a human, was it a question I wanted someone to answer, or was I machine-made? It would be quite a shock to hear that I was a computer that thought it was a human. But what would be my function? I seemed quite a useless computer since I wasn't that smart at all and couldn't do much. 

Could I be a real ghost, was that possible? But if I was a ghost how were they able to shut me down when needed? Did they do some kind of exorcism that made me disappear for while? That would explain why they hadn't kept me shut down longer. Maybe it would be safe to assume I wasn't a real ghost. But was I a robot or a human was still a mystery. At least I wasn't dead.

Dead. I then remembered the shooting. Had Dylan been hit or worse was he dead?  And more importantly, why did I care? He was a rebel who I had just met. And it was now quite clear in my mind that he had been the one making me feel pain and sadness and all those worse feelings ever. Although, he had looked very sorry when seeing me in pain. 

Matteo had been the one yelling at them to shoot Dylan. Since when had he had such authority. It would be over a month before he was even of legal age. And I would be sixteen. If I was a human and still alive. If it would have been possible I probably would have had a major headache by then. All these questions and wondering made me feel dizzy and I decided to lie on the floor. 

What should I do? I remembered one of the rebels mentioning that Base had the technology to alternate one's memories. Had it happened to me or was I just suffering from memory loss? I felt really uneasy. The idea of someone messing with my memories felt wrong, more than wrong. If they had changed my memories wouldn't that change the person I was? Aren't we who we are because of the experiences we had in our past? 

Who was I, it was the million bucks question? Was I really soon to be 16 years old teenager who had seemed attention and escaped otherwise known as Anna. Or was I someone or something else? I could remember my childhood and how I grew up in a happy family. It all felt real so it was hard to believe that it wouldn't be true. 

I could go visit my parents but I felt that the answers wouldn't be there. My childhood wasn't the problem. What was the problem was the past year that I hardly could remember. What had happened that I well-behaving girl had wanted to escape? It just didn't feel like me trying to escape just for fun or attention. And I had been scared, that much I could remember. I had never felt so much fear than during the escape, so if it was just for fun or attention why I had been scared?

My mind was just foggy as it always was when I tried to remember the accident or the past year. It didn't seem to get any better. Because I didn't want to think about the pain that had almost paralyzed me, I just couldn't, there was only one choice left. I needed to make Matteo talk with me, really to talk. Not some chit-chat, small-talk, or quick questions. He needed to have some time for me to explain all of this that was bothering me. At the same time, he could explain what was bothering him.

There was an announcement:

"Anna you are expected to be in Mr. Swedeson office in half an hour."

Normally they could have just called my room and I  would answer the tablet that was in the door. But since I couldn't touch in anything public announcements were the way to contact me. It was very nice that everyone always knew my business. I didn't want to talk with Nicolas it would just waste both of our time. But maybe he could send a message to Matteo that I wanted to talk with him.